Friday, September 4, 2009

Snuggling

Last night I was curled up in bed, sweater on, hood pulled over my head, Hugger in hand, tired and sad and wanting to sleep, wanting to forget.

I hear the pitter-patter of little feet on carpet, I look up, and see Cade’s big blue eyes peering at me.

Mama, can I snuggle with you? I promise I’ll be quiet I won’t make any noise pwease?”

This breaks my heart. My child could fart the national anthem for all I care. I’ll always want to snuggle with him.

“C’mere Honey. Momma loves snuggling with her Tade.”

And he is relieved and happily jumps in the bed, turns around, and presses his little diaper-clad bottom snug against my stomach. I have my arms around him, and I am smoothing his tangled hair, and I am thinking how much I love him, and how much I already love the perfect little being growing inside me. The love is almost too much. It is such a good feeling.

His breathing begins to slow, and his body starts to twitch like it does when you are on the verge of blissful sleep. This makes me smile. I am awed at how quickly he can fall asleep. A clear mind with nothing on his conscience, or nothing troubling him; that’s the kind of mind that can quickly fall asleep. I envy that.

It’s at times like these that I wish (and can almost convince myself) that my life wasn’t more than this. More than cuddling with my baby and feeling love and joy so tangible and real.

But yes, it’s more than that. It’s more trouble and denial and fear fear fear but it’s during moments like these that I am reminded life is Good and I praise God for giving me them; giving me brief glimpses that love and yes even something as small as snuggling is bigger than any fear or problem I could ever have.

I think of this, and then I fall asleep. Quickly.

16 comments:

Krystle said...

This is beautiful, Brie. I can relate to much of this. I hope one day I will have a wonderful child of my own to snuggle away the fear, as you so often do for your Cade. You're a wonderful mom, and the little bean in your belly is lucky to be where he/she is: safe, warm, and oh so loved.

*hugs and well-wishes*

bananas said...

This is bring tears to my eyes.

bananas said...

What is with my grammar lately? Of course I meant it is BRINGING tears to my eyes!

Penny said...

I love how you can explain a mom's love and what it does for her. Many times we think that we are doing all of the sacrificing for our kids, but it is sweet to remember that they do bring such joy and solace to our souls. Love your post,
Mom
ps.....YOU just brought happiness toi my Mom soul!

Telstaar said...

I am so glad for Cade in your life and you in his :) The beauty and sweetness of this post is amazing.

Love you Miss B! xo

Alexandra Rising said...

That was quite lovely to read :)
[I know that sounds corny, but it's true!]

licketysplit said...

This post seriously gave me a lump in my throat. (I don't know if it happens to everyone, but that's what happens to me before I cry). An awesome dose of perspective. You guys are so blessed to have eachother. I super duper hope I have a little person of my own some day.

justrealize said...

this is so sweet... its ALL about the small moments that make everything worth it....

Amber said...

He is so cute. When I had him the other day, I asked him what he was going to do when his mom came to pick him up. He just kind of shrugged and said, "Just have some fun". I thought that was too cute, he love you so much!!

Amber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brooke said...

I lLOVE that post. Tears. I know that feeling. I wish life could always feel that safe and warm. Why can't is be just that easy?

I'm jeaous you're pregnant. I love that feeling of knowing you are raising a child. Oh the joy.

Whit said...

I miss you and Cade so much! That post brought tears to my eyes! It made me so happy to know that you have a little man child to keep you company and make you feel loved and valuable on the hard days! Know that I love you and think about you all the time!

lisalisa said...

I love these sweet little moments! The love i have for my children has really helped me understand the Savior's love for me.

zubeldia said...

(((Brie)))

...evolve... said...

oh how i can relate, love this

Sheryl said...

that's beautiful - how cute!