Been Busy

Life’s been crazy. Yesterday for Labor Day we went to the zoo. I feel bad for the caged up animals because they’re all kind of a bunch of dead-beats. The tigers are ALWAYS hiding; it’s as if they almost love to mock the crowd of people who pay $9.50 to see them – because nobody, in fact, actually sees them. The polar bear died, and they hadn’t yet put out the baby elephant that was born this summer. And why is that EVERY monkey I see has GIANT GENITALIA hanging, like there? Are there any female monkeys? Where are they hiding? Seriously. Cade had fun, but really, not that much fun. And it kind of made me sad because I thought, “Since when is it okay for a three year old to be underwhelmed with the zoo?” They’re supposed to eat that shiz up, you know?

I think the morning sickness is starting to get better. It seems to have peaked around 8 ½ weeks, so now at 10 weeks, the sickies are still here, but I’ve noticed they’re getting better. Like I’m not ralphing at my regularly scheduled 10:30 anymore, but also please don’t mention blueberry poptarts. My tummy is starting to show a bit, seriously. You wouldn’t notice if you didn’t know me or know I was pregnant, but there is a definite baby bump. I alternate between thinking it’s kind of intriguing to being really freaked out. On Sunday while at church, I was wearing this awful dress that I THOUGHT was cute but really WASN’T and I leaned over to Husband and said, “I’m never wearing this dress again it makes me LOOK PREGNANT!” And he sweetly amended, “Honey, I’m pretty sure that actually being pregnant makes you look pregnant.” Smart aleck.

But yes I’m kind of having a freak out about the body image thing. I still haven’t yet gained any weight, but I also haven’t lost weight which is a big improvement over my last pregnancy – by this time with Cade, I had lost about 10 lbs. So definitely making improvements, which is GREAT because at my already low body-weight I know that I cannot afford to lose even an ounce. I feel like I’m way too early to be showing, and I know that since I’ve already been pregnant before my skin is all gooey and stretchy and stuff, but it’s still weird and disconcerting. It’s definitely going to take some getting used to.

I’m not entirely sure my kid understands the fundamentals of underwear. We’re working on it. I’m hoping to have him peeing in the toilet before he’s 7.

Having a whole new treatment team has been interesting, too. My new dietician, E, is really good, but really different – I’ve never had a dietician before like her. I’m actually on a meal-plan that consists of doing exchanges, which is very weird for me, because I’ve never used them before. I have to fill in boxes for proteins and grains and fruits, etc, when I eat them, and there’s like a gazillion boxes I’m supposed to fill in each day, (she patiently reminds me that even if I wasn’t pregnant I’d need to gain a bunch of weight) and it stresses me out because I’m supposed to be eating enough to sustain a third world country for a day, or maybe a really hungry but kinda small army. I’m not filling in A L L the boxes every day, but man, c’mon. I’m working my way up; this is rough.

My new therapist W is pretty cool, though I’m not even joking when I say I’m terrified of the woman. She like looks at you with these piercing green eyes and my blood starts to curdle and I do whatever she says so she won’t, like, eat me or something crap I don’t know. She’s really good though, and I’ll admit I’m learning things and trying to come to terms with stuff I’ve never before allowed myself to do. Like maybe the fact I’m in denial – and not just about my ED. I think I live in denial in a lot of areas of my life, because it’s much more comfortable, you know? She also runs a group that I go to every Thursday afternoon, which has just been a real treat really interesting. I haven’t done the group thing in ages, and I normally shy away from groups because I feel like it can turn into a giant I’M SICKER THAN YOU competition, but so far the dynamics of the group are pretty healthy. I’m surprised it seems to be helping a bit.

I’m also seeing a new ED doc because my old one was psychotic. Seriously. Like, she should be slurping mush through a straw while wearing a straight-jacket psychotic. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.

I’ve also been thinking about how much we’ve all sacrificed for our eating disorders. Our health, our education, but most of all, our friends. It makes me sad. It’s kind of hitting home on a really personal level right now.

I miss you guys. I need to get better at updating a bit more regularly. Hope you all had a fabulous long weekend, and wish me luck tomorrow with some medical tests that I’m
D R E A D I N G!
(Though no pelvic exam is required so that helps.)

LOVE YOU.