Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Been Busy

Life’s been crazy. Yesterday for Labor Day we went to the zoo. I feel bad for the caged up animals because they’re all kind of a bunch of dead-beats. The tigers are ALWAYS hiding; it’s as if they almost love to mock the crowd of people who pay $9.50 to see them – because nobody, in fact, actually sees them. The polar bear died, and they hadn’t yet put out the baby elephant that was born this summer. And why is that EVERY monkey I see has GIANT GENITALIA hanging, like there? Are there any female monkeys? Where are they hiding? Seriously. Cade had fun, but really, not that much fun. And it kind of made me sad because I thought, “Since when is it okay for a three year old to be underwhelmed with the zoo?” They’re supposed to eat that shiz up, you know?

I think the morning sickness is starting to get better. It seems to have peaked around 8 ½ weeks, so now at 10 weeks, the sickies are still here, but I’ve noticed they’re getting better. Like I’m not ralphing at my regularly scheduled 10:30 anymore, but also please don’t mention blueberry poptarts. My tummy is starting to show a bit, seriously. You wouldn’t notice if you didn’t know me or know I was pregnant, but there is a definite baby bump. I alternate between thinking it’s kind of intriguing to being really freaked out. On Sunday while at church, I was wearing this awful dress that I THOUGHT was cute but really WASN’T and I leaned over to Husband and said, “I’m never wearing this dress again it makes me LOOK PREGNANT!” And he sweetly amended, “Honey, I’m pretty sure that actually being pregnant makes you look pregnant.” Smart aleck.

But yes I’m kind of having a freak out about the body image thing. I still haven’t yet gained any weight, but I also haven’t lost weight which is a big improvement over my last pregnancy – by this time with Cade, I had lost about 10 lbs. So definitely making improvements, which is GREAT because at my already low body-weight I know that I cannot afford to lose even an ounce. I feel like I’m way too early to be showing, and I know that since I’ve already been pregnant before my skin is all gooey and stretchy and stuff, but it’s still weird and disconcerting. It’s definitely going to take some getting used to.

I’m not entirely sure my kid understands the fundamentals of underwear. We’re working on it. I’m hoping to have him peeing in the toilet before he’s 7.

Having a whole new treatment team has been interesting, too. My new dietician, E, is really good, but really different – I’ve never had a dietician before like her. I’m actually on a meal-plan that consists of doing exchanges, which is very weird for me, because I’ve never used them before. I have to fill in boxes for proteins and grains and fruits, etc, when I eat them, and there’s like a gazillion boxes I’m supposed to fill in each day, (she patiently reminds me that even if I wasn’t pregnant I’d need to gain a bunch of weight) and it stresses me out because I’m supposed to be eating enough to sustain a third world country for a day, or maybe a really hungry but kinda small army. I’m not filling in A L L the boxes every day, but man, c’mon. I’m working my way up; this is rough.

My new therapist W is pretty cool, though I’m not even joking when I say I’m terrified of the woman. She like looks at you with these piercing green eyes and my blood starts to curdle and I do whatever she says so she won’t, like, eat me or something crap I don’t know. She’s really good though, and I’ll admit I’m learning things and trying to come to terms with stuff I’ve never before allowed myself to do. Like maybe the fact I’m in denial – and not just about my ED. I think I live in denial in a lot of areas of my life, because it’s much more comfortable, you know? She also runs a group that I go to every Thursday afternoon, which has just been a real treat really interesting. I haven’t done the group thing in ages, and I normally shy away from groups because I feel like it can turn into a giant I’M SICKER THAN YOU competition, but so far the dynamics of the group are pretty healthy. I’m surprised it seems to be helping a bit.

I’m also seeing a new ED doc because my old one was psychotic. Seriously. Like, she should be slurping mush through a straw while wearing a straight-jacket psychotic. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.

I’ve also been thinking about how much we’ve all sacrificed for our eating disorders. Our health, our education, but most of all, our friends. It makes me sad. It’s kind of hitting home on a really personal level right now.

I miss you guys. I need to get better at updating a bit more regularly. Hope you all had a fabulous long weekend, and wish me luck tomorrow with some medical tests that I’m
D R E A D I N G!
(Though no pelvic exam is required so that helps.)

LOVE YOU.

11 comments:

McIntyre Family said...

Hi Brie,
Nice to see you smiling. You look happy! :) Sorry the zoo quasi-sucked. At least the tiger didn't pee on you like he did my husband one time we went.
I don't think you're in denial at all. You're facing your problems and actively working on them and that is very admiral because anyone can deny and hide behind problems but it takes character to face them.

tawny said...

You look so B E A U T I F U L today!

well, okay, like every day but today especially!

zoo is lame-o! Missed you at Secret. I cried cuz it was over. I am a baby-o!

glad your sickies are a little better too! no more barfing blueberry poptarts... yay.

onward we go...loves! xoxo

hcbrown65 said...

What a great update this post is. I really enjoyed it. I think that you are a great communicator when you write. i can hear your voice talking. Love it. And I think that "denial" is in everyones's life but its great to face what it could be doing to hold you back. Lots of luck and love. This is really P. Not H.

Telstaar said...

NINE DOLLARS FIFTY!!!! That is all you pay for the zoo?!?!? Seriously? I'm going to go look up what we pay... brb... $24.40AU!!! I'm jealous! :D (In a good way of course)

YAY for slowly improving morning sickness, this is good! Baby bumps are good... although given your stress over body image you mention... humm, maybe your special power is super vision! :D But more seriously, I actually do believe you when you say you can see the bump, I think knowing where to look is a start.

I'm absolutely stoked that you haven't lose any weight Miss B! Yep, I want you to keep filling out those forms from E and keep working towards increasing (because I'm bossy and all)...but having an ed and being pregnant is no easy feat and I'm really proud of how hard you must be working to not be losing weight right now.

YAY for call treatment teams (I really really need to find a new word other than "yay" humm...)... I'm really glad that this one is working for you and even though a bit scary will hopefully help you move forward in recovery AND life cause you're worth it miss B!

*hugs* re considering what has fallen by the wayside for eds. I hope that it continues to motivate you forwards amongst the sadness.

Goodluck with the tests!!!

LOVE YOU TOO!!!

(gee, I am chatty today :)) xoxo

Krista said...

I didn't know you got a new T, that's cool... I mean cool of you think it is. Is it one from CFC? Like the W.H. there? If so that's cool I like her.

I always hated doing exchanges cause it felt like just another way to count what you are eating, but to each his own.

Glad your pukies are getting better!

Kara said...

Exchanges can be really good for some people. I hope it works for you. I'm glad you aren't getting morning sickness as much anymore - I imagine that being Aw to the Ful.

Thanks for updating! Always love reading your blog!

Alexandra Rising said...

"I normally shy away from groups because I feel like it can turn into a giant I’M SICKER THAN YOU competition"

I feel like this to a T [tee? ah, heck] which is why Ive denied treatment so often. I'm glad this group seems to not give you that feeling.

Also, my very first thought was, 'She is so, so pretty!' when I saw that picture. You are beautiful!

rachel ramsay said...

sorry i missed seeing you this weekend. it was crazy and lots of crazy stuff that i definitely need to conference with you about happened. i love your baby bump and i hope all goes well with your tests. i need me some brie, bad.

huginnmuninnandme said...

Stopped by for the first time, I like the way you write! Good luck with. . .everything!

MoDLin said...

Funny thing how actually being pregnant can make you look pregnant. Your husband is a smart man. I found that once I got over the "Is she plump or preggers?" stage, I really liked showing. Of course once I had delivered the baby, I wouldn't go near a gathered blouse to save my life!

Eat well, grow strong.

Sheryl said...

Brie, thanks so much for your blogs. I really love em... can I say that -haha. Yeah, I can't put my finger on it really, but the realness, and vulnerability, and truth, and humor, and, and, and... I just feel introspective and better when I get the time to read up on Brie and your lil family. It helps. Keep up the awesome work and thanks again.