Friday, September 11, 2009

Free Fallin'

I know that I’m supposed to say I’m underweight and that I need to gain. And I can say that. Very eloquently, actually. I know I’m supposed to say that eating is suuuuupper easy and suuuuuupppper fun while being pregnant. And we know I’m quite loquacious. I can say that I don’t mind feeling sick all the time, and put a smile on my face. I’m good at that.

But the chasm between saying and doing can be…vast. And deep. Like, thanks for the Grand Canyon of my Life, God! It’s SUPER big and WOW THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME CROSS IT! I hope I don’t fall and plunge to a miserable death or worse break my face because then I’d effectively, be, you know, dead, and then that would be lame. And no one wants to fail. Or something.

It’s time to walk the walk, put my money where my mouth is, and any other sort of figure of speech you can think of that applies.

Support is needed.

34 comments:

HAFC said...

Ah, Brie. I hear you, and agree with you. Sorry you're feeling so much pressure. You're in my thoughts.

Devon said...

You, my lovely, shall be fabulous. For one reason, you don't really have a choice. This Penny/Cade-look-alike needs you to be on your game and, obviously, you do too.

You've done it before and you've succeeded before. Bite the bullet, lay on the syrup, and hang in there.

You kinda have people that care about you and stuff ;)

Kara said...

Thanks for being vulnerable in this post. You can do it!

inthemainstream said...

Support offered: you are strong and amazing and if you keep acting that way, maybe one day you'll believe it. [hugs]

Alexandra Rising said...

Support Support Support Support. Always speak your mind, do not fear your feelings, talk talk talk, write write write, cry if you need to, smile if you feel it, laugh if something is funny, seek help and support and it will come:

Support is all around you, but always allow yourself to feel how you feel :)

Lisa said...

Bolstering like a pillow. You CAN do this.

jCroft(y) said...

Hey, Brie. I've been reading this blog for a while, but this is my first comment. Your blog has really helped ME out, and I'm sure it's helped many others as well. As a small token of thanks, I hereby give you a plank of wood for the bridge that you're building across the Grand Canyon of Your Life. Here it is!

[plank o' wood]

You can do this!

Jamie said...

Your in my thoughts and prayers, brie. Stay strong girl, you have all my support. You can do it, and I honestly believe that. You're so very strong. xx

kristin said...

You can do it Brie! You're strong and awesome! I believe in you! :)

love always, kristin

licketysplit said...

I wish I had some excellent words of wisdom for you. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to battle an ed while being pregnant. But I KNOW you can do it as evidenced by the fact you've done it before AND you're so much stronger, wiser and more determined than you were then. If anyone can hop that canyon,it's YOU. And you have so many people ready and willing to help you out and cheer you on.

Tanya said...

Hugs. Support is here B. You have more support than anyone I know. But add one more :)

Penny said...

The wa y I see it you are ready! You chose to get prego knowing that it meant enormous sacrifices on your part. I bet that you needed and even wanted this so that in eating for another life, you could find the way to eat for your own. I know that you not only can do this, you will and it will be worth it! You have never been a quitter. You are lovely and loved, needed and wanted. Now, go to and eat the grains or protein or whatever!!

Becca said...

You are FAB and soooo INSPIRATIONAL! Keep up the amazing strength! You deserve only the best!

Telstaar said...

Here and with you all the way because I believe in you!

xoxo

now.is.now said...

Oh, the canyon between the talk and the walk... I know thy well! Something that helps me is to realize that really, there's no other choice. If I think about what my goal is (to be an adult who isn't defined by an eating disorder) then that means the only way to get there is to eat the meal It sucks b/c to do the healthy thing, you lose feeling in control of your body. You lose feeling good. You lose feeling hungry. You lose feeling whatever it is the e.d. gives you. But, if you think about it - you can want want want want want to be an adult without and eating disorder - but the only way to get there is to DO it. Quite simply, if you dont' do it, you are not getting towards your goal.

I am writing this, sounding like I'm some perfectly recovered person. Oh that is so far from the truth. But I do know that something has changed a bit for me recently and that is realizing that I don't have any other choice. If I want to get a life without an eating disorder, then that means I can't have an eating disorder (obvi)... that means I can't eat disorderedly.... that means... oh... that means I have to eat this meal right now... but I don't want to I don't want to.... but if I want to not ahve an eating disorder it's my only option.... oh. oh. sink. sigh. deflate. eat. oh. (does this make sense?)It so sucks its the only option but it is the only option. The only way to not have an eating disorder is to not have an eating disorder.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's sooooo hard. It's a lose-lose situation it feels like. Either you choose to eat healthfully and you LOSE the eating disorder (and, with it, the good feelings that come from the e.d.) or you choose to restrict and LOSE being the mom and person you really want to be. Does that make sense? And, ultimately, you know you want to choose to LOSE the eating disorder - b/c you're better than an eating disorder. Oh, but the disorder is SOOOOOO compelling. It's so compelling that when you go against it, you feel like crap! So, this is why it's lose-lose. Because in order to be the mom you want to be, the person you want to be, you have to feel like crap in the short term. And that's so hard. And it's why you need SO SO SO much support. People to remind you of what it is you really want. People to remind you of your true voice. Because when you really remember that, really remember your true voice, you have a little bit bigger of a chance at being able to follow through and ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR BELIEFS, GOALS, VALUES.

You know what you want. You want to be a wonderful home for your unborn child. You want to be an amazing mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister. You want to be able to describe yourself and NOT use the words "eating disorder" while doing it. These are your goals. These are your wants. (I mean, I'm assuming here) And you know your values and your beliefs. Now the struggle is to act IN ACCORDANCE with those goals, wants, beliefs. Not eating enough is acting OUT OF ACCORDANCE with those goals, wants, beliefs. We e are all behind you. We are all behind you feeling like crap in the short term so that you are able to ditch the eating disorder and act totally in accordance with your personal wants, beliefs, and goals.

You are a strong person, Brie. You are capable of doing this. You have nothing but support and encouragement and a whole bunch of people who understand how hard it is. I believe in you so much. You will do this. You will be the REAL Brie - 0% eating disordered.

Keep asking for support. Keep writing about it. Keep talking about it. You will get nothing but support, encouragement, and understanding.

Sorry for the insanely long comment. I just really connect with your dilemma and feel strongly about it.

xoxoxo!
~Laura

rachel ramsay said...

This made me think of an Indiana Jones Movie (rent it and watch it if you haven't seen it) when he was looking for the holy grail. He came to this giant chasm with no way across. The book of clues said he needed to take a leap of faith.... so he looked forward to the goal and took a definitive step forward and there was a bridge to support him that he couldn't see. All these people that love and care about you are that bridge. Take the step.

I know I'm not so cheesy usually but I've been rooting for you a lot in my thoughts lately. You're a super friend and I love you tons.

satisfiction said...

Hey Brie,

Support! You're an amazing person and I love reading your blog, hearing about you and your life and progress. Keep going!

-Lindsay

zubeldia said...

Hi sweet Brie (I know I still haven't sent email), I'm thinking of you a lot and of course have so much empathy. Pregnancy tends to be hard on body image even without an ed, and eating for a little growing bean is so much harder than it sounds... as you know.

I'm nine weeks postpartum and while I loved being pregnant it was hard. I was sick every single day, even with zofran, and often felt that my dr doubted the etiology (she wondered if it was ed related nausea and aversions). It was really frustrating...

But having a team of people around me was so helpful. Support is what got me through. So surround yourself, brie. Do what you need to do. Yes, you are so much better that you were, but, my friend, pregnancy brings with it so many challenges. Wonderful challenges, for sure, but with hormones raging, periods of rapid weight gain, nausea, the stress of wondering whether all is well... Oh, it's so much. So I hope you can take the step of rallying the troops, even if it means going into a program.. You deserve the support.

And, aw, Brie, this is such an amazing time. I want another one already! You know the love you feel for Cade, and before this little guy I had no idea what unconditional love really was. NO. IDEA.

Not sure what your birthing plans are, but one thing that really helped me was Hypnobabies. It may be a bit hokey, and you may want top shelf medication, but I think it might help connect you with your body in a really helpful way however you decide to birth. I also saw CS a lot (the MD I did guided imagery with for the ed) and he helped with positive imagery around the baby, my body, the birth, the postpartum period. It really really helped. Pretty hokey, though :)

Im so proud of you. I am here, and I can't wait to meet this chica (yes, it's a girl, right!?) My little boy is lying across me and I could eat him, he's so cute!

I may have just written almost everything I wanted to write in an email in this post. I'll stop for now by saying, yes, you can do this, but you deserve the support, you really and truly do.

belinda said...

Brie,
I feel like so many others have said the words I was going to say.. and I'm not a parent, so I don't know what it's like to fight the ed while pregnant but I can only imagine that the leaps of faith are magnified greatly.

Do what you feel you need to do hon. Keep talking, always talking. Rally all your supports around you and ask for help when you need it. I think you are stronger than you probably realise ;)

x

CG said...

You can do it, Brie. You will be an inspiration to your daughter.

Brooke said...

Hey Brie. I may have a different point of view. No offense to anyone, please. But, I do believe you always do have a decision. Everything regarding you---is ALWAYS up to you, and no one else. But what you do, affects you and everyone around and (inside) of you. I can't imagine the tug-of-war you are in right now. It must be excruciating. You are probably one of the strongest people I know. You have been through so much misery in your life.

But you now have "joy" inside of you. IT needs you. This is the time to embrace that and do what you need to keep that sweet ball of love safe. This is all out of love and support but you've got to eat like you did with little Cade.
Whenever you're having a hard time, I want you to go and look at Cade when he is asleep (not awake). Just look at him for a few minutes, really, just stay there, and I promise you will draw strength from him. Kids give us that. Sometimes, just the strength to keep going, keep movin' on day to day. Keep us motivated.

You will make it and you will do it well. I love you!!

sona said...

Support!!!: GOOOOOOOO BRIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU CAN DO IT : ) : ) : )!!!

Taylor said...

You can do it. A little inspiration from youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fULtU2NfPQA

Amber said...

You are dong great and you look great too! I am so excited for you, I kind of wish it was me. In a few months you are going to have the cutest baby ever! (girl) Just one more person to love you and call you mom, that is the best! Try to enjoy it and go with it, it's worth it. PS say hi to Cade for me.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I'm not exactly sure what kind of support you seek from anonymous blog readers... but let me just type something in brackets and see if it helps.

[inappropriately long embrace complete with drifting hands and heavy breathing in your ear]

Hope it worked.

-C

Krystle said...

I love you, and your eloquent-ness. (We'll pretend that's a word lol.) You are doing great, and I am proud of you for seeking support. xoxo

ghost girl said...

YOU. CAN do this!

My Life Transformation said...

it'll be hard. you know that. but you can do it. i think you know that too.

good luck!

Laura said...

what Brooke said.

alriggells said...

Brie, I hope by now you know how much so many people love and care about you. I hope at this point you realize how much you mean to others for who you are. I hope you know how much I care, and would like to support you all the way. I haven't had the chance to read all the comments posted, but I did read a few, some I agree with, others I tend to not agree with as strongly. Brie I love you and adore you. I know how strong you are and I know the potential you have. I know the great person you are from the inside out.

This is your chance Brie, you have support that is in great supply, take it. I think right now is your time, you have like Brooke said, "joy" inside of you. This is so true. Brie, I know the road isn't going to be easy or smooth, but it will be so so worth it. There is so much more to life. Every time Cappa Tade does something that warms your heart just remember that, remember the joys that he brings, that this new little one will bring. Brie they need you, Brandon needs you, your family needs you, I need you, you need you. Most of all I want you to know I love YOU, I love you for YOU and want to be here for you.

alriggells said...

Brie, I hope by now you know how much so many people love and care about you. I hope at this point you realize how much you mean to others for who you are. I hope you know how much I care, and would like to support you all the way. I haven't had the chance to read all the comments posted, but I did read a few, some I agree with, others I tend to not agree with as strongly. Brie I love you and adore you. I know how strong you are and I know the potential you have. I know the great person you are from the inside out.

This is your chance Brie, you have support that is in great supply, take it. I think right now is your time, you have like Brooke said, "joy" inside of you. This is so true. Brie, I know the road isn't going to be easy or smooth, but it will be so so worth it. There is so much more to life. Every time Cappa Tade does something that warms your heart just remember that, remember the joys that he brings, that this new little one will bring. Brie they need you, Brandon needs you, your family needs you, I need you, you need you. Most of all I want you to know I love YOU, I love you for YOU and want to be here for you.

alriggells said...

oops posted twice sorry. Guess I want you to know you can do this

Sheryl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheryl said...

Hey hey - then you can say you climbed and weathered the grand canyon!!! Woot woot!You can do it girl!