Saturday, November 15, 2008

I Want to Leave a Flaming Bag of Poop on a Doorstep

I'm a sicky. Boo. Double boo! I've been sick for like a week, and Lil C is sick, and I have to actually be selfless and take care of him because I'm an adult and he shares half my genes so I'm obligated to and it was the Good Samaritan like thing to do. My face feels like it be on fire. Fever's blow.

So I totally went to Joanne's today to comprar another half yard of fabric for my curtains. The line was like a gazillion long and I had to fight with old ladies in creepy mom pants to get my fabric cut. Also, when I got home, I saw that I didn't even buy the right fabric, and I realized that I was, in fact, losing my mind. It was fun.

So, remember Princess, the aforementioned neighbor who was abandoned on her uncle's farm or whateva? Well the little banshee is NOT shy. She keeps wandering into the house because the doors are often open while it's being worked on to help dissipate the dust and such. So, in she saunters, and out we chase her. In again, out again oh how fun (that's what she said). Well, this afternoon she snuck in AGAIN, and booked it down in the basement. I ran after her because my kitties were down there and I knew that there was going to be a major bitch fest if they met. And they did. And it was BAD. I grabbed Princess just as Bobbi lumbered onto the scene. They both started like doing this hiss/growl thing that almost made me wet my pants. Princess started writhing in my hands and I got all busted up. Bobbi ran at her and leaped in the air, grabbed onto her, and dragged her out of my hands. Bobbi's a big girl, I had no idea she had the athletic prowess in her to do such a kung fu-esque thing. (GOOD JOB!) I started screaming I NEED HELP DOWN HERE while trying to not get killed while breaking the two girls up. Nobody heard me due to Paul McCartney blaring upstairs, lame lame lame town. Eventually Princess ran up the stairs with Bobbi chasing her. She eventually ran out the door and I followed her, muttering, trying to find her so that I could take her back to her family next door and tell them to KEEP THEIR DAMN CAT IN THE HOUSE, SHE'S UPSETTING THE DELICATE TEMPERAMENTS OF MY KITTY LOVERS.

I didn't find her, but when I do, oh I will go there and I will tell the neighbors what is going down. And if they don't listen and keep their cat on their own property, then I will poop in a brown bag and light it on fire and put it on their porch. And I will laugh and be gleeful.

I just want life to be easy. I want life to be devoid of old ladies in creepy mom pants and possessed cats who want to hurt my kitty lovers.

I want to be better. I want my child to be better. I want a kitchen.

I want to leaving a flaming bag of poop on a doorstep.


Jackie said...

Oh honey, I wish I could deliver a brand new house, neighbor-pet free, dust free, with a beautiful kitchen in it. Hang in there - I am here anytime you want to get away for dinner. xoxoxoxo

racher said...

your own poop?... or cat poop.... you could have some shep poop.

tawny said...

Brie- you seriously make me laugh so dang hard! If I ever need a pick-me-up I go to your blog b/c your descriptions and words are hilarious. Thanks for the smile and by the way, I dropped by your house and it is so beautiful..besides the sawdust and framed wood, the house is going to be perfect. Open rooms and lovely big master suites! I am excited for you. Let's play this week.. perhaps maybe the mall again?? WE can buy your neighbor some not so creepy mom pants. gross

jana bananas said...

OK, honestly...I just felt jealous that you could poop...

kristin said...

I hope that you feel better, Brie.

Take care.

love, kristin

PS: This is totally unrelated, but you were in my dream last night.

satisfiction said...

Brie, I am totally in love with your blog, and this post just gave me another reason to be. To be a sap for a second, you're very inspirational and I respect you a great deal - you also give me hope. Back to your blog, it's funny, real and I love it. And I love cats. And cheese, and your name is also that of a cheese. What an excellent coincidence.


Lisa said...

My grandfather, in his wilder years, did the flaming bag o'poop thing. His advice? Make sure you can run faster than the owner of the doorstep.

Brooke said...

Ding Dong

Man: It's one of those flamin' bags again. It's poop. Those damn kids!"

Woman: "Don't put it out with your boots Ted."

Boys: "He just called the shit, poop?" he he he he he he

Guess the movie. Anyone??

(don't use my words as actual quotes, but those are the words as I remember them)

By the way...on of the main reasons I can't sew is because I hate going to fabric stores. The lines are gigantic and the smell is atrocious of old lady perfume. I'm so angry by time I get to the front I literally imagine picking up the old woman and bashing her head on to the counter. (Don't worry I have no problems with anger of anything).

brie said...

Brooke! YES! It's Billy Madison, but of course! haha I love that quote!

"Shampoo is better! It goes on first and cleans the hair. --Conditioner is better. It makes the hair soft and smooth. --Stop lookin' at me, swan!"

Man I need to watch that again!