Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust?

When I was six, I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. I quit shortly thereafter when I realized I was a head or two taller than all the girls around me. I knew I could never make it.

When I was ten, I took private tennis lessons. That lasted a summer.

When I was twelve, I played soccer. For two years.

When I was thirteen, I tried my hand at drawing. Totally stopped that when I realized how much I sucked.

When I was fourteen, I played volleyball. Quit at sixteen when I was humiliated and degraded by my coach.

When I was sixteen, I began modeling. Had to quit because it nearly killed me.

When I was twenty, I tried to learn how to play the guitar. That lasted for literally two days when I didn’t like the calluses on my fingers.

I also discovered myspace. LOVED it. But then I found blogging and tossed the myspace.

When I was twenty-one I began training for a marathon. I was able to run fifteen consecutive miles before I injured my knee. And then I got prego, wasn’t allowed to run like that anymore. And I never started training again.

I was twenty-three when I gave in and decided to start a blog. It saved me in more ways that I can say.

I’m twenty-four.

I’m teaching myself to sew, am throwing myself into it as passionately as I did tennis and gymnastics and blogging.

Will I quit this, too? Blogging, I mean.

I’ve been blogging for almost exactly a year. It was my passion. But I don’t know if it still is.

Is blogging, like all the other attempted-hobbies-but-realized-I-kinda-suck-at-‘ems above, something I’ll just toss out when I get disinterested or feel like no one else is interested?

I don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m bored, I feel like my readers are bored. Who wants to read over and over that I have the tube, or that Cade’s adorable (okay, I can concede that nobody would be bored by that…:) or all other random and stupid things I toss out here? Seriously. See, my problem is that if I’m doing something, I have to either do it all, unequivocally completely, or not at all.

I don’t have very much time to blog anymore. Writing, unlike all the other passions or attempted-grandeurs above, has ALWAYS ALWAYS YES OH MY ALWAYS been my passion, my oxygen. But maybe not in the form of blogging anymore. I just don’t know. It doesn’t bring me the same joy anymore, I don’t look forward to or receive comments like I used to…now, instead of thinking, “Okay! Schwing batta batta I get to blog today!” I think, “Holy oh my moly. I live in a dusty gutted house of despair. I need to clean or organize. I need to rest. I need to EAT. I need every spare second to freaking finish my manuscript. I need to go to work. I need to spend more time with my family. I need to finish sewing the insanely difficult-but-oh-so-cool sewing project I’m working on for the house.” And, I do think, “I should blog today. But I can’t, or I won’t, because I’ve too much on my plate.”

But I have so much to do, so much others want me to do and expect of me. I feel like I need eighteen hands to do everything that everybody expects. I want to make everybody happy. And I can’t. I’m too tired.

But it scares me.

What if this, too, becomes another past entry on my long list of meager accomplishments?

What if another one bites the dust?


Kyla said...

Oh Brie. So much is here in this post. I see insecurity and passion, pain and memories.

I can personally attest, probably for all of us, that we LOVE your blog. Your writing is wonderful. Just look at how many people link to you. I admit to being a little jealous because there are so many blogs that link to yours, but anytime one does link to me, it almost always links to you as well. People love you. And your blog. And your writing.

BUT. Please don't think you have to keep blogging for us. It shouldn't be something you do for others, but for yourself. If you are done blogging, please don't use it as another avenue for people-pleasing.

Maybe you don't have to do all-or-nothing. Maybe you could update once a week. Maybe you don't have to try to entertain us, but just give us updates so we know how you're doing when you're too busy to keep up with emails. Make it whatever you want. Quit if you want. But please don't make it into something that you must do for someone else.

I'm afraid part of your busyness is my fault. But I think it's AWESOME that you decided to finish your MS. You are so, so talented, Brie. You really are. And beautiful, and smart, and funny...buy also I think you are scared and overwhelmed, and I want to acknowledge that. Forgive me if I'm way off base.

Take care of yourself, hon, whatever that looks like.



Kyla said...

PS sticking with something your whole life ain't all it's cracked up to be either. Then you have to worry if you're the best, then you have a million things on your plate (and I know you already do), then you tend to base your identity on what you do rather than who you are. I know it's appealing to think "I could be an olympic gymnist or the next Michelangelo," but who can live up to that?

Kyla said...

oy, you're also a lifelong reader and great friend.

Marissa said...

Hey, B. I know what you mean about having passion and then realizing that it was fun while it lasted but you've gotta move on. And I think that's okay. There are very few people who actually pick ONE thing and stick to it their whole lives. And frankly, I think they're a bit obsessive and a little creepy. Instead of thinking of all those things of failures, I'd try thinking about them as things that were fun, that you were pretty good at, and then you moved on from. And that's okay.

And even though I adore your blog, I also understand about being busy. So if you need to quit or take an extended vaca, I'll miss you, but I won't be disappointed in you. Like most things, you were really good at blogging, it was fun, but the novelty has worn off. It's not as fun anymore. And in my opinion, that's totally okay.

Good luck with sewing, btw!

Tiptoe said...

I don't have much to add. Kyla said lots of good stuff in her comments. In the end, blogging is for you. Sure, people would miss you, but at the same time, we would still enjoy hearing from you and getting updates as well. It would kine of be like the long-lost friend where you can always start a conversation from where you left off.

I think a lot of us go through the initial phase of novelty with whatever activity we do. I remember when I first got a computer, signed up to aol, and then was constantly e-mailing, going into chatrooms, imming, etc. That novelty has worn off, but I still enjoy those things every once in awhile.

In a whole lifetime, the majority of people are doing many things with their lives, because life evolves. Your needs, wants, priorities, and desires all change as you learn, grow, try on different hats. None of these things are failures or make you less worthy of a person. Just that you are LIVING, breathing, and finding out who you are and what you want.

jana bananas said...

This makes me want to cry of course, but don't worry -- I was already ripe with tears from god knows what. Being female? Burning my tongue on hot cocoa? People being jerks to me lately? Oh le sigh -- so many possibilities for my possible weepage today.

Brie, I found a wonderful, superfantastico friend (duh, YOU) because of THIS BLOG. I hate the thought of you abandoning it, or even worse, taking it down. Oh my god. I still need my Brie supplied blogxygen. I check your blog for updates a ridiculous amount of times per DAY.

You're not getting the comments you were before just because you're not blogging as much. You're busy. And that's OK. But that doesn't mean that people have lost interest. Don't take it to mean that.

My advice would be to go outside and take 3 deep breaths when you have some sort of break. (My therapist always says that, like 3 is a magic number or something??) Take a step back. What is it that's bothering you? Is it because it's become some sort of additional obligation when you have so many already? I just think you have so much going on, it's not surprising that you're not going to have the time or even desire to write that much. But I think that once your house gets more settled and life becomes a little more mundane, your interest might pick up again.

I'm going to be totally selfish here and say that I hope it does, because I am totally, 100% in love with your blog. And again, without it, I never would have found YOU, this amazing girl that has become such a wonderful friend. I know that we would stay in touch (like, durrrrr!) even if you quit blogging but I have to admit I'd feel a hole! See, totally selfish.

I mean, ultimately, you have to do what you have to do. Maybe take a little breaky. Maybe try my 3- breaths-think-of-the-big picture-thing. You usually had good reasons to give up on the things you gave up. But also remember that you tried those things when you were younger, too. Shit, when I was 15, I thought I was going to be a movie/tv director. When I was 17 I thought I was going to be a gymnastics coach...there are a ton of things in there that were tried and didn't stick.

Sometimes things stop feeling right. Sometimes it's temporary, sometimes it's not.

Anyway, I have taken up WAY too much space here in your comments section.

I love you Brie Bee, and can't wait to see you later this month!

Nichole said...

When a hobby becomes a job, it looses the appeal. I think you should only blog when you want to, when you feel like there is something you need to say. Otherwise, it's just another chore.

I love reading your blog though. I don't think it is boring one bit!

Kara said...

I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE your blog.

Amanda said...

I know you haven't heard from me before, and frankly probably don't care - but I just want to tell you what an impact you have!

I struggle with many of the same issues and my therapist and I are working on the all-or-nothing problem. With me it's either black or white. I need some gray and I acknowledge that, I just don't know how to blur the lines between the black and white to make the gray.

I think you're an incredible inspiration - but I agree with everyone else, you need to do what's best for YOU. You need to decide and yes, while we will all miss reading about you and wonder how you are doing, you will have decided what is best for YOU at that moment and that's what we care about!

Krystle said...

I adore your blog, but mostly because YOU seem to adore the act of blogging so much. You are such a genuine and witty person, and blogging should be something you want to do for BRIE, not for everyone else. Do what you need to do, and blog only when you want to. I think it will take some of the pressure off. Besides, your blog will be there when you need it, as will those who have come to know at least a part of you through your writing. *hugs*

Alissa said...

Count me as one of your fans (who rarely comments, but I am reading!) You don't need to post every day. You don't need to post every few days, its YOUR blog, post when you want, when you have the time and when you have something you really want to share. If you want to wait a few weeks to post, or a month or more, thats fine, its your blog. I don't think you will run out of things to blog about. Just a few posts ago I recall you said you had so many things you wanted to blog about! I don't think you will ever run out of material. There are so many things (funny things!) in life worth blogging about and you make them so much funnier when you tell us.

And lastly, don't you dare think that fully recovering is going to be the end of your blog material. We read because we love your style, your spunk and your humor. We are cheering you on as you recover but that's not the only reason we're reading!

Anonymous said...

It's o.k. to try things and then realize they are not for you.
That's how you find things you like and how you get to appreciate what other people can do.

You don't regret loving Mulder and Scully even though they are not such a big part of your life anymore. Right? That was just Brie in her X-Files phase. Remember the shrine at the 3rd ward house? That was awesome.

What I'm saying is, do whatever you want to. If you don't want to blog every day or not at all, you will still be Brie.

Shannon said...

I LOVE reading your blog. I think I laugh almost every post. It really brings me perspective. That said, if you don't love it and it feels like a burden, then don't do it. Even if others enjoy it, you have to do what is best for YOU! If you still want to keep the world posted then leave up the blog and post once a week. More doable? Anyway, good luck handling all you have going on right now. You're superwoman!

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog, but you have to love writing it. What if you took a short break? Maybe your passion for writing will come back, maybe it won't. But maybe you should try and see what happens. If you find a new calling, there is nothing wrong with that. As many others have already said, who does one thing forever?

Penny said...

Blogging has saved you. But being so breathtakingly honest is so emotionally wearing. I wish there were blogs that one could subscribe to and pay a fee to read.( well a small fee). Then you would become quite rich. You are so creative that at times it is a burden and a little cash would ease the burden!!You will figure a way to do what you want and need to do but as for writing, I'm glad that you have come back to it and realized the gift you have. You will never be the same again because of this blogging experience. You have a Gift. How you continue to use it is up to you and I hope that we all can persuade you to at least write once in a while for the sheer joy or for the lessons that you have to teach us.

Anonymous said...

Add me to the list of "do what's best for YOU." Whether that's leaving altogether, posting less frequently, or whatever.

And be aware that sometimes things bite the dust because they have run their course. I'm not saying that's the case here (because God knows I love this blog), but it isn't something to beat yourself up for.


Krista said...

I agree with Mom, and others. Do it for Brie and we will be here no matter what. Don't make this a chore or a job. I'm glad I have gotten to know you through your blog and I appreciate your wit and humor and honesty. I care about you and want you to do what is best for you. We all try things and then let them fade. It's not a bad thing. It's part of experiencing life and finding out what you do and don't like and what brings you joy. Love ya!

tawny said...

Oh Breezy...you can't leave me, I just started...you are my blogging INSPIRATION,..you are hilarious, smart, and always have something to say that someone ALWAYS needs to hear. Your helping others in this blogging world and probably don't realize the audience you have acquired. So don't you dare quit!! We all love your words and we need them...so do you!

love your sis xoxo

Laura said...

I'd give you some advice, only, I am in the same sinking boat! I sat at the computer last night, and well...just sat...then went to bed. I had nothing to share. And um...gymnast, atrist, actress, dancer, singer, sewer, designer, and...baker??? wtf?

I think we leap from one passion to another...hoping to be perfect at it...hoping that IT will be the IT we have been searching for to fill IT inside of us....

I tell myself daily that I am a MOTHER...THAT is most important...and the other "stuff"..cakes, blogs,ect are just some fun things to bring me little joy. Somedays that works...but most days, I am left thinking that MOTHER is just not enough. Like I can't shake this nagging feeling that I was honestly meant to do more with my life.

Hmmm...maybe I should have saved this comment for my next post..because honestly, I think tonight, yet again, I have got nothing!

Now...what are you sewing?????????

kristin said...

I would be really sad if you stopped blogging, Brie. I really love reading your blog. You're such an inspiration for me. You're working really hard at getting better and being positive and it inspires me to do and continue the same.

I will understand and respect your decision if you decide to leave. I really, really, really, really hope, however, that you stay.

Take care, Brie. Love ya!

love, kristin

zubeldia said...

Hi Sweety, as you know, I've stopped blogging for the time being. I don't think it means that I'll never blog again.. I mean, I may even reopen my old blog one of these days, but the truth is, my little friend, we do move on, our identities shift, and we wander down new paths.

As I read your list of the things you've done I didn't think - 'oh, Brie has not kept up with anything', I thought, rather, 'wow, cool, Brie has tried out a lot of fun stuff and she's quit when it no longer is fun, enjoyable, or helpful.

I think we cling to things, as human beings. I think that mostly when something feels permanent we feel more stable, more together - but I don't know about that. I think there is something very freeing about impermanence, about being able to say 'okay, I am done with this, I need to get that sewing project done'. And, you know, I'm not even suggesting that you shut this blog up - for I would surely miss your updates here - but I want you to know that I don't think reflects poorly on your character, dear Brie. On the contrary.

Anyway, it's 7pm and I can barely keep my eyes open, but wanted to say hi, that I love you, and even if you stop blogging I know we'll be in touch.

Love Z

Laura said...

hey,here is a thought....maybe you don't NEED your blog anymore? Maybe not wanting it is a GOOD thing? So many readers probably hate me right now for saying this, BUT...we blog with a purpose. There is a NEED. ANd maybe your needs have been met? OR...perhaps you need to do something else...just follow your gut...

Jackie said...

I love you, with or without your blog. You need to do what is best for you and only you know what that is my love.


H said...

You've been a writer even way before I knew you back in 2002. It's an outlet that you need, and it works for you. But perhaps not in such a public forum. I enjoy your blogs and of course, selfishly, don't want you to stop, but maybe if you take the pressure off of having to be the "most perfect blogger/writer", than you might just want to continue doing it. Just occassional updates. You give a lot of support through your posts, but I worry that if you quit altogether, you will lose a part of the support network that you've gained this past year or so. Not that we'll leave you, but a lot of us, like me, don't talk on the phone with you anymore or e-mail and this is kind of a fun/nice way of supporting one another. Ya know? You too have received a lot of support from your posts, you've said so yourself. I know you can find support elsewhere, and that you do have support where you are, but this cyber-world we now live in, really does allow some freedoms of words and thoughts that face to face contact doesn't. And I don't want you to lose that.

Laur said...

I think you should just stop looking at blogging as a daily chore. Look at as something to do when something interesting happens or when you are feeling especially insightful or have some great pictures to show off. If you look at it like something you have to do every single day OF COURSE you will end up being overwhelmed by it. If I look at it like that then I become overwhelmed by it and dislike it and neglect the things I should be doing like playing with conner. So instead, I just find a time when I feel in the mood and I spend some time making a post or two and catching up. Does that sound less exhausting? I hope so because to stop altogether would be a shame. So doooood I haven't seen you for like ten years. You need to call or something for heaven sake. If we don't see each other soon Cade will forget me and Conner!!!

Emily said...

I'd miss you if you stopped blogging. But if you want/need to stop, then stop. Don't stay in this for us.

ania said...

Dear Brie,

Wow, these responses are overwhelming to me and I'm just stopping in to add my 2¢.

I just want you to be well. If doing something or not doing something lessens anxiety pressure or stress in a healthy way, go for it. It's not un-doable, and you're right - you have life to live first of all.

I do think you're lovely, and neat-o, and you seem so large-hearted, Brie.

I'll be so proud to read your writings....whenever that happens.

With support and care....

Starr said...

You are so like me! I seem to quit/giveup everything I start. but later I regret it. So I think you should jsut keep the blog and blog when you want & not worry about what people want to hear/read. It's your blog. I so need to get back into some of the things I started doing. I got side tracked once again with my baby!

That said, would you mind showing me a few things with sewing? And maybe have a sewing group?! That would be awesome!

Keely said...

Aside from the 28 comments that say they love your blog, why don't you create a visitors map to see just how many people browse bloxygen every day. These comments don't even include the people that read but don't respond. It will surprise you. (go to my blog and click on "create your own visitors map" and then copy and paste the code into "add a gadget".) I highly doubt you will be dissapointed.

brie said...

Everyone, wow. I got so much feedback and encouragement and I appreciate it more than I can even say right now. You're all right, of course. I don't think I could ever abandon this blog completely, but I do think, that at least for now, I may not be able to update daily. I think that, like JB said, when my life calms down a bit, I may be able to settle into a more regular routine of blogging again, but for now, a few tmes a week I think'll suffice. I'm off to do another blog though, cuz I can't get this idea out of my brain...

Again, you're all fantasabulous!


jana bananas said...

1. I was so happy to see this comment.

2. I was so happy to see a new post.

1 & 2 made me nearly wet my pants out of joy. Luckily I held it in, as I was still at work.

3. I feel the need to mention that I think I am in love with your handwriting.

I've said too much!