Thursday, November 6, 2008

My Life Sucks but Floyd’s Knobs Make Me Happy

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I’m surviving on little sleep…I’m just so crazybusydon’tevenhavetimetobreathe right now; the busiest I’ve been in a hella loooooong time. I see others who thrive on this kind of hectic lifestyle with no pauses for breath or thinking and are like yeah, baby, bring it on! -- BUT…it’s just not for me. Living in a home with plaster and dust and insulation and wood and creepy power tools everywhere…having few belongings to work with because most are packed away…working for The Man…trying to finish a manuscript and needing every spare second (which I don’t have many of - to edit and write and write write write) I think I be goin’ a wee bit crazy…what with trying to eat enough…wowsas. I’m just not a happy camper. I’m totally shrieking out, but not in a good way.

Yesterday I was a sicky. I’d gotten little sleep the night before, and by 6 pm I had major stress runs and even threw up. The symptoms I’m dealing with are very similar to the ones I dealt with before I was hospitalized. Yuck yuck yucky town. I’m sure it’ll all ease up. It has to!

So I have some tubular news! It as seemed that my tubage would last until I was approximately 87 years old, but I saw my D yesterday and told her that I need to learn to eat without the tube, that I can’t keep relying on it. So, for two weeks I need to use the tube hard-core to give me a jumpstart, but she’s willing to put me on a 2000 cal a day diet, plus 3 cans of Boost which brings me up to nearly 3000 cals a day to try to gain some weightage on my ownsies. She says if I can follow through with this, then no tube for the Briester! So I only have two weeks of nose rape, provided I can get all my falling apart-ness together and just do it. (And by it I mean food, and by do, I mean eat.)

So I’m gonna do it.

I just hope this nasty weirdness I’m feeling goes away. It’s not easy to eat or tube it up when my tummy no likey the intruder and wants to get rid of it. Lame lame lamazoing, I’m so sick of my body!

I’m such a dead beat lately. Sorry my posts are so lame. I’m just going through a weird time. This is a toughie, and it hasn’t been this way in awhile. So unfortunately for you, my dear readers, you get stuck in this mess with me. Sorry I’m such a downer. Boo, I’m a whore!

But. Alas, I shall leave you with a bit of humor:
So on Sunday, I was having dinner with my parental units and niece and some other…guests. It was a formal dinner, one where I was sure Lil C was being too loud and obnoxious. I was quiet, just waiting for the whole shebang to be over. So out of the blue, my dad asks one of the guests where he’s from. He replied that he’s from a town (I think it’s in Indiana – note to self: google this) called FLOYD’S KNOBS. Floyd’s Knobs!!! It took every ounce of decorum in every cell of every fiber in my being to restrain myself and not crack a dirty joke. (Floyd’s Knobs, eh? Your wife must not think much of your, you know…down there-ness. Floyd’s Knobs? Floyd! Get a man-bra!) So, needless to say, I was respectful and not dirty. But it was a roughie trying to get through it, I’ll tell ya what. I just don’t understand. Floyd’s Knobs?! Why? I mean. Really?

So, now I can remember that when life gets me down, when I’m so busy I don’t have time to think or do everything I need to do…I can remember that it could be worse. Alas, much worse. I could live in Floyd’s Knobs, Indiana. But I would buy him a man-bra, I can assure you of that my dear readers. Oh, I would buy him a man-bra.

And then maybe we could change the name to Floyd's Perky Knobs. It has a nice ring to it, methinks!

13 comments:

Jenn said...

Ha! So Brie...will you tell me more about your guest? Does he find life difficult, or does he really have a handle on things? Is he clear in mind, or are there some things weighing him down? It must have really been good having him hanging around. Does he plan to stay in Floyd's Knobs, or is he planning to bust (har!) out? Don't worry, I'm sure he'll keep you abreast of any changes in his location. :) *snicker*

Lisa said...

Your determination is admirable. I hope your food plan works and you can say sayonara to the tube!

Kyla said...

glad you're getting things worked out. you have hot knobs.

Emily said...

I think you're right, Brie, you need to learn to eat without a tube in your nose. I believe that you can survive another two weeks with the tube and then kick major ass without it! Do you know that they have Boost pudding now? I haven't tried it but I hear it's pretty decent. One 4-oz Boost pudding has 240 calories, so you get a lot of calories per ounce. They might be tastier than tons of liquid Boost all the time, too, you could exchange one can of Boost for one and a half puddings or something. I don't know. Just an idea. :)

Floyd's Knobs? Too funny!

tawny said...

I can just IMAGINE you trying to hold in a laugh or not crack a joke. Never a dull moment especially when D starts asking all the questions!

Had fun at the mall today...bought a cute hat at the Charlotte..wish you could of come and got a big ole' diet coke and nasty pretzel!

Kara said...

Congratulations on only two more weeks of tubage!! You are so brave, Brie.

emily said...

brave choice. :)

i am sorry about the recent suckage. :(

i will be doing the tag asap.

kristin said...

Sorry about all of the suckage, Brie! :(

Take care! Hang in there! Don't forget how strong and brave you are!

love, kristin

Sarah said...

Brie, you can definitely do this. I ate that much to gain my weight back, and my strategy was a HUGE (1000 calorie) bedtime snack: a parfait with full fat vanilla yogurt, granola, berries, and pecans or almonds. You could cal it up more by using ice cream but at the time I was too scared to do that. Now I'm like "wtf, I dehumanized myself by eating 2 frigging cups of yogurt each night from a small mixing bowl when I could have just had a piece of cheesecake or a gotta-have-it coldstone and eaten an extra snack that day." At the time, though, that was unthinkable to me. Anyway, the strategy was pretty good; it left me the rest of the day to eat like a normal person, so I would just eat my snack with reading material, head to bed, and try not to process what I had just done. Disassociate away! It's necessary for your health.

Penny said...

Hey, you remeinded me all over how funny that dinner and his comment was. Good laugh for me just now but you made it so much better. Love your map!!I think your plan will work. Now don't worry just one day at a time and I think that Cold Stone at night is a great idea too. Love you my dear,

brie said...

Hey everyone, thanks for all your support and replies. And, like Jenn said, I will keep you "abreast" of the latest news! :)

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

*snorts morning coffee onto keyboard* FLOYD'S KNOBS?? Dude, that's hilarious. LOVE IT.

And yay! for only 2 more weeks of the tube! You can do it, Brie. There are a lot of people cheering you on. ;)

Marste

DaftDragon said...

Manboobs... niiice :P

Good luck fooding... sucks to eat when the tume no le gusta, but I have faith in ur ability to banish the tubeface. Not that it doesn't add character :)

Good luck getting the new house all set up and removing yourself from construction land!!!