Give Up Already!

Okay, my fine people, I have a lot to say today:
First off, my weekend was really pretty fantabulous. I spent the weekend at my mama’s, as there was major demolition going on in the new pad and my lungs no likey the dust. I carted Lil C and my sewing machine and had a grand time. My mom and I both made some jammy/yoga pants that are really pretty excellent, and trust me, dare I say they look even better than my pin cushion? I don’t have any pics because I’m lame, but I’m sure I’ll show them off another time. My next project is curtains for the bedroom; only I have NO IDEA what to do, because I want a new bedspread to match them but don’t know what direction to take– I’m a decorating monster. Seriously. Interior decorating eludes me…dilemma dilemma dilemma! Any ideas?

Eeewy. The-rape-y was kind of lame lame lamazoid yesterday. In fact, I’m not even sure that to do. See, my T is a leetle stressed – she doesn’t think I’m taking my low body weight seriously. She says that I recently got out of the hospital, but I act as if I’m just fine. The problem is, I don’t feel like I’m acting – I actually feel and think that I’m fine. No pretending, here.

Sigh.

I guess I’m in denial, and I really won’t go into that because I’ve written gazillions and billions about it, and I know it’s starting to get old. So I’ll skip the foreplay and get straight to the penetraysh: yesterday our convo went something along the lines of this:

T: Well, I really don’t want to give you an ultimatum. But. – There’s no point in therapy if you don’t gain weight.
Me: ----
T: I know you’re working hard to eat and use the tube and gain weight, but I’m just not sure where you’re commitment level is. Me: ----
T: Last time you used the tube, you almost got to your goal weight, but then it’s like you got terrified and quit when you had almost reached the finish line. What can we do to change that this time around?
Me: ----
T: Well, you see your dietician on Wednesday, right?
Me: yeah
T: Okay, well talk with her about all of this, and then come up with a plan. What do you think of that?
Me: okay
T: And then can you come in Thursday and let me know what your decision is?
Me: ????
T: …Well, your decision on whether or not you want to commit to recovery and therapy?
Me: yeah
T: Okay. Is there anything else you want to say?
Me: ----

So there it is. I have until Thursday to figure out why I can’t/won’t maintain a healthy weight. And if I don’t do it, I’m fired.

Great.

Back to the treatment strategy that never works for me. Get rid of me because you’re frustrated with me. I know that’s not what she’s thinking, but dammit it feels that way. Does she think I’m just treating this all as a walk in the park? Does she think I don’t care and that I’m not trying? Because I am.

And I’m really, really tempted to tell her on Thursday that I quit for awhile, maybe a month or two to just clear my head. Maybe I should fire her before she fires me?

(Oh, and I don’t mean give up – like give up and stop eating and die. I just mean give up on trying to do what my treatment team says to do in exactly the amount of time allotted they give me in the exact manner they tell me to.)