Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Give Up Already!

Okay, my fine people, I have a lot to say today:
First off, my weekend was really pretty fantabulous. I spent the weekend at my mama’s, as there was major demolition going on in the new pad and my lungs no likey the dust. I carted Lil C and my sewing machine and had a grand time. My mom and I both made some jammy/yoga pants that are really pretty excellent, and trust me, dare I say they look even better than my pin cushion? I don’t have any pics because I’m lame, but I’m sure I’ll show them off another time. My next project is curtains for the bedroom; only I have NO IDEA what to do, because I want a new bedspread to match them but don’t know what direction to take– I’m a decorating monster. Seriously. Interior decorating eludes me…dilemma dilemma dilemma! Any ideas?

Eeewy. The-rape-y was kind of lame lame lamazoid yesterday. In fact, I’m not even sure that to do. See, my T is a leetle stressed – she doesn’t think I’m taking my low body weight seriously. She says that I recently got out of the hospital, but I act as if I’m just fine. The problem is, I don’t feel like I’m acting – I actually feel and think that I’m fine. No pretending, here.


I guess I’m in denial, and I really won’t go into that because I’ve written gazillions and billions about it, and I know it’s starting to get old. So I’ll skip the foreplay and get straight to the penetraysh: yesterday our convo went something along the lines of this:

T: Well, I really don’t want to give you an ultimatum. But. – There’s no point in therapy if you don’t gain weight.
Me: ----
T: I know you’re working hard to eat and use the tube and gain weight, but I’m just not sure where you’re commitment level is. Me: ----
T: Last time you used the tube, you almost got to your goal weight, but then it’s like you got terrified and quit when you had almost reached the finish line. What can we do to change that this time around?
Me: ----
T: Well, you see your dietician on Wednesday, right?
Me: yeah
T: Okay, well talk with her about all of this, and then come up with a plan. What do you think of that?
Me: okay
T: And then can you come in Thursday and let me know what your decision is?
Me: ????
T: …Well, your decision on whether or not you want to commit to recovery and therapy?
Me: yeah
T: Okay. Is there anything else you want to say?
Me: ----

So there it is. I have until Thursday to figure out why I can’t/won’t maintain a healthy weight. And if I don’t do it, I’m fired.


Back to the treatment strategy that never works for me. Get rid of me because you’re frustrated with me. I know that’s not what she’s thinking, but dammit it feels that way. Does she think I’m just treating this all as a walk in the park? Does she think I don’t care and that I’m not trying? Because I am.

And I’m really, really tempted to tell her on Thursday that I quit for awhile, maybe a month or two to just clear my head. Maybe I should fire her before she fires me?

(Oh, and I don’t mean give up – like give up and stop eating and die. I just mean give up on trying to do what my treatment team says to do in exactly the amount of time allotted they give me in the exact manner they tell me to.)


Kara said...

I'm sorry that your T gave you an ultimatum. I think ultimatums usually backfire. I mean, what does she want you to do differently that you aren't already doing? I know she wants you to gain weight, but you are trying. I think the decision she wants you to make is whether you want to totally let go of ED - and that is a hard decision to make (requiring a little more than 2 days, haha). Hang in there Brie, I know you will figure this out.

alana.rachelle said...

Oh geez briezy. I'm sorry this is so tough and redundant. I obviously don't have the answers for you, but I am good for some red robin and retail therapy! Call me so we can play. I miss you too too much! You know you love me, xoxo.

Kyla said...

oh brie, I'm sorry about the ultimatum. I don't think they work. Please don't quit therapy tho - can you find a new therapist, if anything? I'm behind you, k?

Jackie said...

I am sorry that therapy was so bad B. BUT, have you had the tube put back in? Because I truly believe that you are trying as hard as you possibly can but that your body is not responding. But it was responding with the tube...so...any thoughts on that? Despite how horrible it is, it did help you know?

Call or text, we need to plan a din din.


Kara said...

PS - Brie, thanks for checking out my blog. I hope you continue to read it, I need all the support I can get! Haha.

kathy with a k said...

I don't think she's kicking you out or firing you. Ask yourself why you're in therapy. What do you want to be working on?
It's YOUR therapy. YOUR stuff to work on. Really, the whole thing is yours. You employ her to help you. Use it.

Krista said...

That's right you employ her. You are the one paying her so do it for YOU! Keep working Brie. We all believe in you.

I am impressed that you sewed pants. I am still working on sewing two pieces of material together without jamming the machine.

kristin said...

Brie, sorry about the ultimatum. Yuck! Keep on trying and working on yourself. I believe in you!

Take care.

love, kristin

brie said...

gross, i'm in a pissy mood you guys. sorry for the lame post.

jana bananas said...

Arrrrrrr matey! You're a hot pirate chick.

Go eat some RR fries for me with your Utahian secret sauce!

jana bananas said...

And I too agree (as I stated in email) that ultimatums are lame and I think they tend to backfire. It just feels like something you would do to a little kid, not an adult.

Penny said...

Well, you are going to take what you say on your comment space---"hit me with it!" You have been hit and now you are going to do what you always do--figure out a way to keep going and never give up. Your T is concerned about you. You are easy to care about and she wants you to just keep at it and never give up. Neither do I.

tawny said...

Hey sis, don't give up..there's a lot of fight left in you, I know you and you are STRONG. Just have to dig down deeper sometimes and today is one of those days.Believe it. luv ya

T* =] said...

Recovery shouldn't be about dealing with our resourses [aka: help] but with solving our issues.. hmm.. [HI!!] t here!.. im about to got into recovery.. i think, if i happen to have a problem that is.. - scary thought -.. dont have much time in this scary place such as blogspot.. but im loving it. =] - i've been readin ur blogs.. guilty as charged.. ~ hey take care k?..
About the sewing thingie.. I think is amazing you're enjoying something u like.. i took a year of sewing course.. and im a potatoe still.. =/

take care.. cheers!! =]

Stacy said...

sorry about the no funness of therapy. hmmm. I think maybe we all hold back and don't wanna deal (therapy sux) but you are doing great. One little suggesteroo... tell her what you told us. (or just link her to your post) It may be a way on working on your confrontation avoidance.
No matter what you do, you rock and you will continue to be and do great. One thing I have learned lately is trying to take it all day by day. REALLY HARD to do, but it is always worth a try...
mucho lovo for you.

Brooke said...

Hey, keep going! I know your head must be in a major state of confusion,panic,stress,dis-belief,overwhelming craziness,but remember,there is nothing to do but move forward.But be careful as you do so,to make sure you are in your "right" mind as you make big decisions.Check with those who love you most.Sisters,close friends,mom,brandon.They know you best and will know your "right mind from your "irrational" side.Take it of leave it. Love ya sis.