Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Pilgrims and Indians Are Trying To Kill Us!

So I've been thinking.
Do you really think the indians and the pilgrims knew what they were doing when they decided to get together for a fun-filled meal oh-so-many hundreds of years ago? Did the indians know that by simply telling them how to plant corn they would trigger the founding of the most ridiculous holiday in history? Thanksgiving. Meh.
I'm not saying that it's not wonderful to be grateful for how freaking blessed I am. I am fully aware (at least most of the time) that even though I have a high-maintenance child, live in a scary, dirty basement apartment, have seriously complicated family issues, and am financially just barely above the poverty line, that my life is still waaaaaay better than those starving people in Africa. But did the indians know that by sharing some damn corn seeds they would be contributing to the obesity rates in America?

Today my brother was regaling me with tales of how last year he successfully managed to eat 5.37 pounds of turkey and an entire pumpkin pie on his own. He looked at me as if I was supposed to be impressed with this nauseating feat. I wanted to say,
"Oh I'm really sorry for you. When (not if) you develop some sort of heart disease from the fat and sodium content of your meal, (should I be saying meal? I really mean binge) I won't say I told you so, but I will say, well...I told you so."

So that's what I'm doing. Telling everyone I TOLD YOU SO!!! Having a 4845732036 pound turkey in front of you and enough pies for everyone in your family to consume an entire pie on their own does not mean that you should actually, in fact, consume the entire pie on your own. Eat, drink, and be merry, but please, please, try to keep the food consumption to something that is equal or less to what a small third world country would eat in a day.

I'm a fan of eating. And I'll enjoy my turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and rolls and coconut cream pie and the myriad of other salads and casseroles, but I will not consume more than .99 pounds of turkey and will enjoy only one or two (instead or twelve) pieces of pie. I'm not going to let those damn indians give me a heart attack, thank you very much!


alana said...

i concur, but am not gonna lie, i will have an extra piece of pumpkin pie instead of turkey if i had to choose between the two. and part of me feels kinda of deserving and entitled to that additional piece to make up for all the years i completely abstained! haha here's to soaring obesity rates and early heart attacks- happy thanksgiving!!

Kate said...

That's a great blog, Brie. Damn them indians!

Whit said...

You are freaking hilarious dude! I'm with you though, what a ridiculous holiday...Not the thankfulness part, just the whole food situation.

If people gain 10+ pounds during the holidays, Brie go for it. Beat your brother this year! Can you imagine how absolutely shocked Rachel would be if you had out eaten your brother, and you explained just how much that took. Please just avoid having any sort of fatty food related heart attacks though k?

Well, to second what Alana said, here's to soaring obesity rates and early heart attacks!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Paige said...

You're a great writer, Brie! If you don't mind, I'm going to add you to my blog roll...

Brooke Wilson said...

Brie, you are so damn funny! I love you to pieces...