The Pilgrims and Indians Are Trying To Kill Us!

So I've been thinking.
Do you really think the indians and the pilgrims knew what they were doing when they decided to get together for a fun-filled meal oh-so-many hundreds of years ago? Did the indians know that by simply telling them how to plant corn they would trigger the founding of the most ridiculous holiday in history? Thanksgiving. Meh.
Look.
I'm not saying that it's not wonderful to be grateful for how freaking blessed I am. I am fully aware (at least most of the time) that even though I have a high-maintenance child, live in a scary, dirty basement apartment, have seriously complicated family issues, and am financially just barely above the poverty line, that my life is still waaaaaay better than those starving people in Africa. But did the indians know that by sharing some damn corn seeds they would be contributing to the obesity rates in America?

Today my brother was regaling me with tales of how last year he successfully managed to eat 5.37 pounds of turkey and an entire pumpkin pie on his own. He looked at me as if I was supposed to be impressed with this nauseating feat. I wanted to say,
"Oh I'm really sorry for you. When (not if) you develop some sort of heart disease from the fat and sodium content of your meal, (should I be saying meal? I really mean binge) I won't say I told you so, but I will say, well...I told you so."

So that's what I'm doing. Telling everyone I TOLD YOU SO!!! Having a 4845732036 pound turkey in front of you and enough pies for everyone in your family to consume an entire pie on their own does not mean that you should actually, in fact, consume the entire pie on your own. Eat, drink, and be merry, but please, please, try to keep the food consumption to something that is equal or less to what a small third world country would eat in a day.

I'm a fan of eating. And I'll enjoy my turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and rolls and coconut cream pie and the myriad of other salads and casseroles, but I will not consume more than .99 pounds of turkey and will enjoy only one or two (instead or twelve) pieces of pie. I'm not going to let those damn indians give me a heart attack, thank you very much!