Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Sacrifice


His little hand is clutched around my finger. I can feel the heat radiating from his palms, and as he shifts on my chest, his feverish eyes lift to mine. He sees me and is reassured, remembering: Yes. I have a mama. And she loves me.

I’m hot. This personal space heater lying on top of me has caused sweat to trickle off my forehead and down into my ears. His fever has nearly reached 104 degrees, and I am waiting, willing his fever to break. It’s late, almost 3:00 am, and I’ve been singing lullabies and tickling his back for hours. I have not slept, but been in the in between place of consciousness and unconsciousness that does not sate my need for rest. I immediately panic, thinking of my busy day only hours ahead of me. How can I function on three hours sleep? And I get angry then, listening to my husband snoring placidly next to me. I want to give the baby to him, tell him to take a turn, tell him that I need my sleep, because it’s my turn. My turn!

But then I think, no.
No.
I am a mother.
And motherhood is about sacrifice.
I am somehow calmed by this thought.

I settle in for a long night. The strength of my voice renews as I begin to sing to him “You Are My Sunshine."
Because he is.
This small human being is my light, my life.
My everything.
I clutch him tighter, and give him soft little kisses on his head and shoulders, somehow suddenly grateful I am up with him, that I can hold him and love him and kiss him and calm him.
How did I get so lucky?
He is sick, hurting. And I am his mother. And I will do anything for him.

6 comments:

Whit said...

Will you be my mom? You have the biggest heart in the world. Way to turn a frustrating situation into something special. That is amazing....definately something that I can learn from!

Love Always,

Whit

alana said...

brie,
you totally just made me start to cry and i can't remember the last time i cried! i'm glad you want to go back and finish your english degree because you truly have a gift with words. i had no idea! thank you for inviting me to read your blog and be inspired by your love for those around you. you don't realize what a wonderful impact you have already made in this world, and i can only imagine all that you will do in the future! i love you from the bottom of my heart!

Emily said...

Hey Brie... thanks for inviting me to read your blog! It really does mean a lot to me. I think you're an awesome mom and I am so glad that Cade has made your life a million times better than it was just a few years ago.

Brandon said...

Sweet Heart! You read this to me once already, but when I reread it today I just fell in the deepest love pit for you, and I am afraid I will only fall further. What a woman you are! Cade will always be loved by you and you will always be his biggest comfort. I appreciate what a spectacular mother you are to my son, and what a wonderful wife you are to a simple husband.

Kyla said...

Cade's so lucky to have a Mama who loves him so much.

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

don't tell corey but I know exactly how you feel watching brandon sleep while you are caring for all your baby's needs....
but you are right, we are the moms, and thats what we are here to do.