Resolutions: Rah, Rah, Rah!

Well kids, it’s New Years Eve, so we know what that means. Yes! It means it’s time to make resolutions for the new year, set the bar way too high, NOT achieve them, and forget about them by March – April if you’re a real go-getter. (Go you, by the way!) I’ve been thinking about this long and hard (that’s what she said) for the past five minutes and here are my resolutions:

1. Don’t shop for clothing that I do not need. Last year I made it until February 1st. I’m hoping that this year I can make it to March 3rd. I’ll keep you in the know.
2. Yoink the tube for good before I turn 89. This is actually a resolution that should last oh, about 65 years. Slow and steady wins the race though, don’t ya know?
3. By next week I want ya’ll to be able to say CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RECOVERY. I’ll stamp a giant cured in my file and call it a day. I’m almost there!
4. Narrow down the amount of Black Bag days from 350 to 250.
5. Figure out what the hell an affirmation is and how it’s actually supposed to help me progress to the day next week when everybody will throw me a CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RECOVERY party.
6. Be happy about my calling at church. Big B and I were just called to teach the 3 year olds. How is that possible, exactly? Pretty sure they don’t want to sit for 30 minutes and hear all about Jesus and The Plan ‘n stuff. Also, truthfully, small people make me nervous. I feel wary around them as I would around one of those inbred $1000 dogs that yip and could strike at any moment. What if I step on one of them? This is a valid question. I mean, I like kids, but mostly just the ones I’m related to because I’m obligated, haha.
7. Maybe take less Mental Meds? I’d like to wean myself off of some of them, but it makes me sceeeeeared because one time when I tried my cat lost an arm. Scariest thing that’s ever happened to me.
8. Acquire a houseplant and do not murder it. Try to remember that it is not plotting my demise. I’m wondering if this is possible. I’ve kept my kid alive for more than 2 years, but not sure I can do the same thing with a plant. They can be conniving and evil.
9. Talk in therapy about why I’m afraid of houseplants.
10. Eat more, exercise never.
11. Blog all year, bitches!

What are your resolutions? Tellemetellmetellme!
(And I hope you have a fantastic time tonight. Get crazier than a paranoid schizophrenic off his meds!) LOVE YOU!!

BEST (and worst) OF 2008

Jax tagged me to do a list of my favorite products, only I expanded it to include some of my favorites (and me no likeys) of 2008. It was mostly a crappy year, folks, but there were definitely some good things thrown in there:

Favorite shampoo/conditioner: I’ll admit that I don’t have a favorite, and usually when I finish a bottle I buy a different brand. This is because I get all paranoid thinking my hair is to “used” to the product and doesn’t respond to the amazingness that I know the product’s marketing is trying to sell me.
Least favorite shampoo/conditioner, though, would have to be Pantene Pro-V. Sorry you Pro-Vers. I hear it’s bad for your hair.

Favorite hair product: Aveda’s Style-Prep Smoother. Works like a dream, a smooth, delicious dream. Least favorite? I dunno. Probably that totally nast cheap gel where you can buy like 32 oz for a buck or something.

Favorite makeup: Why, concealer of course! I have the darkest, creepiest under-eye circles known to (wo)man. Personally I’m totally having a passionate love affair with Maybelline’s Dream Matte Mousse. Lame name, because I feel like I’m supposed to eat it, but it works great and is only like 10 bucks.

Favorite perfume: I’m personally a fan of Ginger Essence from Origins. It’s really light but doesn’t smell like all those other generic ones out there that the celebrities are making. And least favorite? Well, like I said: all those ones out there that the celebrities are concocting when you know that they don’t do a d-a-m-n thing to create them. Also, really strong smells give me a headache. Can't even walk into Bath and Body Works without getting dizzy, having a headache, and wanting to ralph. I have a very sensitive nasal cavity. Also, even I could mix some Diet Coke and spices and flowers or whatever and call it something overly dramatic like DROP DEAD SENSUAL. Would people buy it?

Favorite Vitamin: this one made me laugh, because as a general rule I hateohIpassionatlyHATE taking vitamins. Something about taking care of myself. I dunno. HOWEVER, I will eat Gummy Vites. Cade and I each eat 2 a day! And don't therapize me. I know I'm a grown woman lalala, and I know I should take real pills, but THESE ARE GOOD. And it's nice to not have to swallow ANOTHER pill after the 37463728 other ones I take. Okay? (Shutup.)(I'm not being defensive.)(I'm just saying.)

Diet Supplement: Hmmm. While I was tempted to put Ephedra on here just so I could see how many shat their pants and tried to arrange an intervention, I’ll refrain and be a good girl: BOOST BABY!! Seriously, cannot count the amount of cans I’ve gagged down or had dripdripdripping into me.

Favorite must have of all time: this was a toughie. And while I think concealer is pretty high up on the list, I also need to mention C.O. Bigelow Mentha Lip Tint. It’s so cheap and is full of fun and amazingess. Least favorite product of all time: FEEDING TUBE.

Now on to more of my faveys:
Favorite store: Why, The Buckle, of course!

Favorite Jeans: MEK Denim stole my heart away this year. I luuuurve them. Look at these. Oh, and these too! I wear both of these ALL.THE.TIME.


Favorite shoes: These Pumas have made my year. I’ve got them in two colors! They’re so comfy and fun and make me feel so freaking cool.

Favorite movie(s): The Dark Knight. Oh, and Twilight. Shutup.


Favorite Restaurant: Red Robin, of course. I don’t think this’ll ever change. Have you ever had their fries and their chocolate malts? Totally get an O without the foreplay!


Favorite TV show(s): Wow. This was extrememly hard to narrow down because truthfully, I really like watching TV. However, I’d have to say that this year my faveys are Biggest Loser and Gossip Girls. Alana got me into GG and I’ve been hooked ever since. For realsies, you should try it!


Favorite books: This was really hard because I probably read hundreds of books this year. However, the three that come to mind are I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak, A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, and The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, which won the Pulitzer this year or last year or something. All worthwhile reads, for sure.

Okay, well that’s it for now. Let me know what you (un)enjoyed this year, too.

You Asked, I Delivered

Behold, Shave with me Barbie as mentioned in my white elephant post:

I swear, if those aren't pubes, then I'm not the cool and stylish person I know I am. Seriously. Not to BRAG OR ANYTHING. Just saying.

Now if you'll excuse me. I need to go wash myself after looking at this picture. I theeeeeenk it has Gonnorrhea.

Too Cool for School & Bad Hair

My child needs a new haricut. It's uneven. And disgusting. And really sad. So a couple weeks ago, I wanted to trim the back, because it was starting to look borderline mulletish, so took a bit off, no prob I thought, but then shazam...NOW HE LOOKS LIKE ELLEN DEGENERES.


So this morning I left my mom's early to go see the T, while she was going to meet me with the man child after my sesh. When I saw him, my heart did sad, freaked out little flutters. My mom had no doubt thought that Ellen's look wasn't quite appropriate for a 2 1/2 year old, so she decided instead to make him look like a 75 year old and give him a comb-over. Seriously, it was all goopy and depressing and I swear to you on my life the creepy comb-over made my 'lil guy look like a mini sociopath. So I laughed and said as much, and I made C cry, and I felt so bad I bought him a lollipop to clear the air.

As you can imagine, after this debacle I've decided that I've had enough of my child looking like Ellen or a sociopath. He's currently sitting next to me and fortunately only looks like an inbred freak. I can deal with this.

So kids, what are we doing tonight?

That's right! TAKING CADE TO GET A HAIRCUT!!!

In happier news, I'd like you to meet Too Cool for School. She's essentially the new and improved Not Fanny Pack. She's glorious, she really is. She not only holds medical equipment but secrets and amazingness as well. Many of you may be concerned that I'm not treating Not Fanny Pack with the respect she deserves after all she's done for me, and you may be right. But the relastionship is SO.OVER. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her. Usually my discarded purses end up in a linen closet, and eventually they end up getting wizzed on by my cats - they luuuurve marking their territory on handbags and luggage! I dunno. Maybe I can find someone who will love her like Too Cool for School and I love each other. This love is deep and abiding and isn't something that is easy to come by. I may have to do some matchmaking for her.

TCFS + BRIE = TRUE LOVE

Okay, kids. I'm off to save my child from Disgusting Hairstyle. Wish me luck!

A Post-Christmas Update

Hello lovers! I missed you!

I've been totally sad because my internet has been down...it was a Christmas UN-miracle, for sure. I'm currently at the parentals, so I thought I'd mooch their internet connection off them.

I'm totally lame but this isn't really going to be a post-Christmas post. I have no pictures because I'm STILL always and forever lame, and I'm not really in the mood. But I do want to talk about it, just not feeling it tonight.

Well I survived surgery. Anesthesia is a beautiful thing, but coming off it and hurting
is not. Also, when I'm under anesthesia, I have a tendency to say embarrassing things that I don't remember like MERRY BOOBMAS and THIS IS FANTASTIC, JUST FANTASTIC and BOOOOOOBS and HOLD MY BOOB (when I really mean my hand). Apprently I have a thang for, well, boobs.

I kind of had a rough time with the painkillers. I was taking them as prescribed by my doc, but the dose was too strong for me or something, and it numbed up my muscles, especially my pee or whatever muscles, and I couldn't pee. Or number two, or even fart. I couldn't even feel when I needed to pee, and only realized this when I looked like I had a buddha belly and my tummy was hard as a rock and it was cramping and I realized holy suck it's been FOREVER since I last peed. And then I'd try to go, and I'd have to puuuush real hard like I was constipated or something, and this was just to pee. Seriously, strangest thing. Stupid low body weight. You do weird, weird things to me.

We're for suresies moving into the new pad on TUESDAY. Holy oh my moly I be so grateful!! The floorboards and celings are getting painted or something today, then tomorrow finishing touchups, then Tuesday the carpet. The kitchen won't be finished yet, we'll still in fact have no tile or appliances or cupboards or anything, but in the next week or so that should change. Kitchens are overrated anyway.

You wanna know what the most depressing thought around this time of year is? Well, most people are cool with snow before Christmas because it puts you in the holiday mood 'n stuff (personally I don't understand this offensive thinking, but whateva) but after the holidays, most are ready for the snow to suck it and the sun to come back out...but what some of us fail to realize that on the day after Christmas, it has in fact technically only been winter for 5 DAYS. Doesn't that just devastate you? On days when I'm feeling particularly tender and vulnerable, this makes me want to get a giant black garbage bag, find a nice comfy corner, climb in it, and hide for the rest of winter or FOREVER, depending on the intensity of vulnerability I'm feeling. Today is a black bag day.

Okay, well I'm off. I need to sew my kitchen curtains and do the finising touches on the aforementioned bedroom curtains that are passionately trying to break me of my desire to be a bad-A seamstress. They're such a burden!

Bye! Love you!

White Elephant Excellence

Last night was the annual Brown Family Christmas Party. This party alone may be one of the prevailing reasons I'm glad I was born into my family, for realsies! We have an excellent dinner over candle light with NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. We have a white elephant party where things get dirty and desperate, and then we close with us each talking about the love or gratitude we have for each other and for the many things we've been blessed with.




Now, I wasn't feeling all healthy n stuff, but I wasn't going to let a bad bug keep me away. I desperately tried to ignore the symptoms of The Flu or Whatever as the party went along, but by the time we were ready to leave my voice was quickly fading. So, today. LITERALLY no voice. Nothing. Only high squeaks that everybody finds highly annoying. But at least it came today and not yesterday. And at least I'm getting surgery tomorrow and at least I'll be blissfully anesthestitized to my lack of voice. I'm hoping I'll wake up and not only have a vital body part back but also my vocal chords. We'll see how things develop. Ooh, ooh, pictured above is me (SANS TUBE!) with the Big B-ster and my twin Brett and his beautiful wife Angela.

At any rate.

The white elephant was so so so excellent this year. Of course, you can always count on me and my sense of humor and lover of All Things Dirty to bring some interesting gifts. My favorite hall of famers in the past that I've thought up include

*bringing a Playboy, but not before I glued every page shut -- and not before flipping through every page, either. :)

*buying a GIANT package of Depends (which are expensive, btw) and attaching a very neatly written poem about my sister and insinuating she had some serious icontinence problems.

*this year I had taken a DISGUSTING pic of my sister M at the aforementioned Sister Pie Night. (although really, she's gorgeous and could never look disgusting. It was more, like, the angle she was in...? spread legs et al :) I blew up a 12x12 poster of it and rolled up that beauty as a gift. Unfortunately the person who opened it happened to be sitting right next to her so she started screaming and whimpering and very nearly ripped it up before it could get gloriously passed around the entire circle of the fam. She then pointed at me and said, "BRIE! YOU'RE ON MY RADAR."
Bring it on Sista. I will win. I always do. I will rip you apart with my vicious rhetoric. It'll sting.

Other gems this year included a glowing plaid bust in pastels

and a homemade pillow case that on one side said YES, TONIGHT
or
NOT TONIGHT
haha you can DEFINITELY tell that if a man had made that pillowcase, one side would have said YES TONIGHT and, on the flip side, TWICE TONIGHT. Love it!

One of my faveys also ended up being a TOTALLY NAST Barbie doll that my flippin sister MADE. She called it Shave with me Barbie and Tawn cut up hair and glued it all over this poor doll's arms, legs and pits. My bet is that it was pubes, but she swears we'll never know. I seriously threw up a little in my mouth when I saw it, but mostly I was jealous that I didn't think of it, haha. Pictured here is my sissy Brooke (left) and my sissy Tawny (right) and their hubby's. Tawn was the one who brought her pubes glued to a Barbie doll. I think. (Quick! Someone email me a pic of the hairy barbie so I can post it!)

I also ended up bringing Vinnie's Tamp Case which is, like, amazing. In fact, I loved it so much after I bought it that I opened it up during the party and preteneded I didn't bring it so that I could take it back home with me. Yay for knowing your flow. And making it cool again. (You may comprar this at shopgrun.com and be cool like me. If you dare.)

And then, because we have at least a small amount of class left in our blood lines, we ended the night with a serious moment or two. It was amazingness. This is why I remember that I actually love Christmas. In the end, it really is all about family and those you love.

Wish me luck with the whole going under the knife thingy tomorrow.

PS I am also ashamed to report that I'd actually like to have a period again so that I can use my tamp case. I'm thinking my T would say this is a very positive step in the right direction. Cycling is cool!
PPS Thanks Tawn for letting me yoink all these pics from your blog!

Do Not Be Fooled

Do not be fooled by this

Do not be fooled by his sweet little smile

or those blue blue eyes with those long blonde lashes

or that adorable left dimple

because this little boy can be evil

He can freak out when I want to change his diaper, a simple thing I've been doing oh, about SEVENTEEN times a day for the entire 2 1/2 years of his life. So what does he do when I'm trying to lay him down to get rid of the soiled thing?

HE SCREAMS AT ME AND YOINKS OUT MY TUBE COMPLETELY. ALL THE WAY. ALL GAZILLION INCHES OF IT.

SCREAMPISSEDTHATWASBADYOU'REINTIMEOUT!!!

And I was supposed to use it 24/7 all weekend in preparation for the surgery on Monday.

Suck face balls.

So, do not be fooled by him. I was, and I paid the price.

But damn I still love him. How could I not??!!