Tears

Well, the allergist left me a voicemail yesterday. I was unable to answer it because my phone was on silent while I was in the T’s office. It was quite brief, but he basically said what it came down to was that I am a liability. To him, I’m too much of a risk to be seen.

I don’t know why I’ve cried so much over this stupid doc I only saw for a few months. I guess I just feel like a major ass. I’m entirely humiliated that he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and maybe I’m taking it more personally than I should, I dunno.

I’ve been crying a lot today, which would actually be nice – I like crying because it feels gooooood and because I rarely do anymore. But crying does not feel goooooood when I am at work, not gonna lie here. Three times (yes THREE) I’ve had to leave my desk and bounce to the little girl’s room to wipe my tears (and I’ve only been here an hour and a half). I hate feeling out of control like this, and I hate even more that I’m feeling this way mainly due to an old guy that looks more like a mad scientist than doctor who tells me I have fat arms. Only, when I get mad at myself and tell myself to stop crying, I only cry more. I’ve always been quite the defiant little bugger, I guess.

I found a new allergist to go see, though; I have an appointment in a week or so. I will probably tell him nothing about my PEG tube or low body weight because that seems to be what freaked my other doc out. All he needs to know is my asthma is bad, my lungs are bad – and that’s it. I just need them fixed. I’ll leave all the old anorexia shit to my T and D. This MD definitely doesn’t need to know about it; most don’t really know what to do about that stuff anyway.

I think tonight I’m going to go to an eating disorder 12 step group sponsored by my church. I need something more than I’m getting, maybe spiritual edification can give me the relief I feel I need. I like 12 step because its focus is positive, there is no dwelling on the negative or the past, but on what one can do to move forward and what one can do to stay “sober.” I think I need a little more support than I’m getting now, so I’m going to try it.

Better stop typing. Can’t afford any more tears.

Oh, and PS: Feliz Cinco de Mayo! I've always loved this holiday, I think the six years I took of Spanish in jr. high and high school instilled a love and respect and loyalty to this Mexican holiday. Way to gain that hard-earned independence, Mexico. Love it!

I celebrated by eating a tostada at our Cinco de Mayo Fiesta at work. I also had a mint brownie, but I guess that doesn't count because it's not Mexican? Whatever it was good!