Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Tears

Well, the allergist left me a voicemail yesterday. I was unable to answer it because my phone was on silent while I was in the T’s office. It was quite brief, but he basically said what it came down to was that I am a liability. To him, I’m too much of a risk to be seen.

I don’t know why I’ve cried so much over this stupid doc I only saw for a few months. I guess I just feel like a major ass. I’m entirely humiliated that he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and maybe I’m taking it more personally than I should, I dunno.

I’ve been crying a lot today, which would actually be nice – I like crying because it feels gooooood and because I rarely do anymore. But crying does not feel goooooood when I am at work, not gonna lie here. Three times (yes THREE) I’ve had to leave my desk and bounce to the little girl’s room to wipe my tears (and I’ve only been here an hour and a half). I hate feeling out of control like this, and I hate even more that I’m feeling this way mainly due to an old guy that looks more like a mad scientist than doctor who tells me I have fat arms. Only, when I get mad at myself and tell myself to stop crying, I only cry more. I’ve always been quite the defiant little bugger, I guess.

I found a new allergist to go see, though; I have an appointment in a week or so. I will probably tell him nothing about my PEG tube or low body weight because that seems to be what freaked my other doc out. All he needs to know is my asthma is bad, my lungs are bad – and that’s it. I just need them fixed. I’ll leave all the old anorexia shit to my T and D. This MD definitely doesn’t need to know about it; most don’t really know what to do about that stuff anyway.

I think tonight I’m going to go to an eating disorder 12 step group sponsored by my church. I need something more than I’m getting, maybe spiritual edification can give me the relief I feel I need. I like 12 step because its focus is positive, there is no dwelling on the negative or the past, but on what one can do to move forward and what one can do to stay “sober.” I think I need a little more support than I’m getting now, so I’m going to try it.

Better stop typing. Can’t afford any more tears.

Oh, and PS: Feliz Cinco de Mayo! I've always loved this holiday, I think the six years I took of Spanish in jr. high and high school instilled a love and respect and loyalty to this Mexican holiday. Way to gain that hard-earned independence, Mexico. Love it!

I celebrated by eating a tostada at our Cinco de Mayo Fiesta at work. I also had a mint brownie, but I guess that doesn't count because it's not Mexican? Whatever it was good!

18 comments:

Laura said...

I have never been in your situation, nor have I ever known anybody else to go through all of this with doctors, and liability. So I can't say I know how you feel.
BUT.
I know that awful feeling of helplessness, and rejection and the "Oh Dear God, when does this freakin crap EVER END??????" (FYI..still waitin'...anyday now, any day...)

Go to the group tonight. A positive step. And pray.
And I will pray for you, too.

This will be in the past one day, B, I promise. God has bigger, greater plans for you. I know it.

brie said...

LAURA! Your comment made me start crying *again.* Fourth time today. Sweet, thanks, chickie. :)

But really. Thank you, I mean it. I need the prayers.

xo

jana bananas said...

Man, F this prick! What an asshole. I understand you're feeling a lot of rejection right now, and that is natural (and sucky). I really feel for you. I'm almost in tears myself.

Try to let this guy out of your mind because he doesn't deserve any space in it.

Krystle said...

I just don't understand how a doctor can refuse to treat a person who's "too sick." wtf man. :( You're amazing, Brie. I am rooting for you.

Lisa said...

FTS. You are a fighter, Brie, and it's okay for a fighter to cry once in a while.

Kara said...

I'm so sorry, Brie. I'm sure it feels awful - but Laura is right, God has a plan for you and if it includes having an allergist, then God will make sure you have one. Whoever it might be. :)

Mickey said...

Brie

Hang on in there and remember how far you've come. Would you have trusted this doctor anyway - it sounds like he has little confidence in his own abilities!

Take strength in the fact that instead of turning to ED behaviours to cope, you're actually doing something positive by going to the meeting, and also the fact that you've picked up the pieces and moved on with a fresh doctor.

Look after yourself.

taniia said...

Wow! the 12 step program will make you feel better! way to go! and ya no worries you'll do great with ur new allergist! best of luck! animo!

cinco de mayo!! yiiihaa! haha.. we're celebrating with blue masks on ;) the best! haha

xoxoxoXX

Shannon said...

EW! The only thing that comes to my mind when I head a Dr use the term "liability" is Money. Seriously, isnt that why people become Dr's?! To save lives?! Who the H cares how much its going to cost?! Its easier said than done to not take it personally, but he is just a lazy Dillhole who needs to get his priorities strait. It took my Dad a few Dr's to finally find someone who would accept him without insurance, and thankfully, they saved his life. You will find one willing to help! Promise!

Krista said...

Where did you find an EDA group with the church? I am interested! The closest one I have ever found is at CFC. I think it's an awesome idea. I hope your new allergist is much better and hopefully will help you get better with your lungs. Love ya!

Penny said...

Aawesome step to do the positive. i love your blogland buddies because they love and support you. I know that you can do this my dear! Good luck tonight and God will bless....

Misty said...

What kind of a fatass retard gets away with not seeing you anymore? I say we fight. I'll go meet him in a back alley and beat him with a baseball bat to a bloody pulp.

Kyla said...

glad you found a new allergist. FYI, Cinco de Mayo is not Mexico's independence day. That's actually Sept 16th.

Jackie said...

I am so sorry about your lame ass doctor. What an ass hat. I am glad you found a new one - hopefully one that has the balls to handle a "tough" case. Crying is good - even at work. I love you and can't wait until this nightmare is over for you.

xoxo

tawny said...

sorry for all your stress!!

hope you get a better doc....

douche bag just cared more about his dinero more than his patients...

hope your migraine of fury is gone.

xo

Telstaar said...

Three words (after those ones)... I love you.

brie said...

Guys, thanks for your love and support. If I have the guts I will blog tomorrow about the monumentally HORRIBLE HORRIBLE day I've had today. Time to succumb to the xanax now...nighty night...

Brooke said...

I know I'm a day late, so I thought I'd give you a pointer for today.

Think of the 500 lb. woman **in your office** jumping Brett's bones :) he he he.... what a tuna fish douche bag!! She is quite the story ( I just heard about all that yesterday)! Ewww gross....Mom said you could hear her coming down the hallway. Step...blubbbbeerrrr. Step...blluuubbberrrr.....

Focus on the laughter. Even if
(only for today) it is at someone else's expense :)

Love you - Hang in there