Wednesday, May 13, 2009

On Introspection

I’m not a very introspective person. I used to be, until that got a little too Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul for me, and I quit; refused to let myself think about anything other than being funny or just breathing and surviving throughout the day; I didn’t have the time or energy to look within.

But lying down all day, with not much to do, it’s hard to keep my mind from thinking, scratching more than the surface, searching…

I think I always shied from introspection because I was afraid I’d discover something dark, or really bad about my soul, my very being that was lurking in the shadows. But I’m beginning to think I’m more afraid that I’ll encounter something really, really good, really beautiful. Something worth saving. Something indeed worth introspection.

Because then everything I’ve ever known about myself will be wrong.

And what will I do then?

24 comments:

Cammy said...

Then, my dear, you will get a peek into how the rest of us see you.
<3
I'm sorry things difficult right now, but this recovery time is an EXCELLENT opportunity for some introspecting . . . take care and take it one day at a time, you know you have unflagging support from many corners.
love,
C.

licketysplit said...

That's pretty profound and insightful, and probably dead-on. That is kind of a frightening thought though, isn't it? But realizing that is the first step to allowing that good, beautiful person grow and work towards reaching your potential. Introspection IS scary, but it's the only real road to progress. And I just read my comment and feel like a huge hypocrite, but I DO believe it. ;)

Kara said...

I TOTALLY relate to this!! I think for me that's one reason I hold onto the eating disorder - I don't want to know what I am without it.

Laura said...

AND WHAT WILL I DO THEN?????

what happens when I no longer obsess about food and weight?
what happens when I am no longer the girl with the ED?
what happens when I am normal?
what happnes when I am no longer sick?
what happens when people stop worrying about me?
what happens when I have no doctors to see?

AND WHAT WILL I DO THEN?

the smartest, truest words you have ever written.

kristin said...

That's one hell of a revelation, Brie. It is definitely scary to look inward--to find good or to find bad. I feel the same way.

Take care. Enjoy your time off as much as you can.

love, kristin

eden said...

you don't know me, but i've been reading your whole blog over the last few weeks.

you are amazing.

you've probably heard this, but your latest post reminded me of this quote -

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I've heard it credited to a number of people, so I'm not for sure on who said it (Mother Theresa? Maybe?).

Anyway, sorry my first comment to your blog is so long, but I also wanted to say that Monday when driving to Provo from Draper I was approaching a slow down and while I didn't have any cars directly in front of me (carpool lane) I slowed down and realized that just as I did, there was a duck in my lane going to the middle. It walked across four lanes of freeway traffic. I couldn't help but think of you and how "the ducks made it."

Dena said...

Realize you are special and worthy of the care and attention you lavish on those around you.

I don't know you personally, but it is very apparent from all the wonderful comments you receive that you a very caring and kind-hearted person. I hope you see that within yourself.

Dena

Dena said...

Realize you are special and worthy of the care and attention you lavish on those around you.

I don't know you personally, but it is very apparent from all the wonderful comments you receive that you a very caring and kind-hearted person. I hope you see that within yourself.

Dena

Kyla said...

I encourage you to look inside. If you see what I see, I think you'll like what you find.

Afterglow05 said...

Brie, that thought is scary as hell. You're totally right, I think that has hit the target for a lot of us.

Now the question is what to do next...

LIFE LESSONS, ACCORDING TO ME said...

Keep hanging in there. You're a beautiful gal!

Telstaar said...

You will laugh, you will inspire, you will cry, you will love, you will help, you will be grumpy, you will wake with crazy styled hair, you will hang out with family and friends, you will be loved, you will be treasured, you will be valued, you will not be left and abandoned, you will be OUR friend (we will be YOUR friend), you will be wonderbubble, amazing, wonderful gorgeous, intelligent, compassionate Princess of God that you already are :)

Randomly... you'll be suprised how little and how much will change. xox

HAFC said...

I read Laura's comment, and it really touched me. Those questions she asked are something I too have been working on, and even though it's crappy to re-think/re-live all those past and current moments.....BUT what I've learned, is we judge ourselves so much harder than others do. Seek out the answers to your questions through introspection, and dwell on the incredible person you've become, and will continue to become. Introspection takes a lot of energy, so treat yourself kindly and have some fun too. Soon, you'll probably see parts of your incredible characteristics in your son and those wonderful characteristics live within you as well. Children model parents, and it seems Cade is a really great little guy, so remind yourself that you and Brandon created this beautiful son, who carries you and Brandon's traits. I used to do too much introspection, I think, and it engulfed me, but I learned so much more about who I was and who I've become. The fact you're still alive from years of Anorexia, you are STILL here....and that alone says a lot about who you are. A fighter, a "never-giver-upper". A compassionate wife, mother, daughter, and friend. A person who has lived through so many years of sickness, and can still look on the funny side. A person who learnes from her mistakes and moves on. You are all these things and so much more. I hope you start feeling better soon....bed rest sucks, but it can also open your mind to so many different possibilities and truths.

HAFC said...

Woah....sorry that post was so dang long! I didn't even realize it until I scrolled back up! If you read it and got through it all, you're a rock star in my book.

zubeldia said...

I think that's your way out, sweet Brie.

Love, love, love, Z

Penny said...

Beautifully written and thought out. There never is any progress when someone else is telling you what to do or think. Real living progress comes first and only from asking the "right" questions and then searching diligently and faithfully for the answers. Too many get stuck on the less important questions or troubles or worries that have very little to do with anything that is truly amazing or important! Then their life just spins around, Lacking focus or happiness. I believe happiness is the purpose of why we are here. BTW the quote that the earlier writer used is from Nelson Mandela, (I think.)

licketysplit said...

I absolutely love that quote and think that it is SO powerful. It is often falsely attributed to Nelson Mandela, but is actually by Marianne Williamson. :)

Moondrop said...

Telstaar told me about your blog and I'm glad to have come and read what I have. I pray you get better soon and get to have time out of bed. How dull for you. Your family photo is gorgeous. I hope the new allergist is good and not scared of you, it is not nice when people are scared like that. Re having a 'winter ill' in May, pretend you are Down Under and it is COLD. I'll pray also that this bout of pneumonia does not set you backwards with the eating disorder. I know getting otherwise sick can be a trigger for me.
Take care. xoxoxox

Krista said...

I am late in commenting and so much good stuff had already been said so I will just say that I used to think I was really cool because in one of the stories in chicken soup for the teenage soul there was a story with my full name in it and they referred to her as the most popular girl in school.

Stacy said...

I think this is one instance where being wrong is so great. Hard to accept, yes. I hope someday you can look inside and see the you we all see. The you your husband talked about on Mother's Day.
You are beautiful... just wait and see. We all do.
smile.
xo
Stacy

Marissa said...

Brie, everyone here who loves you has a reason! And it's not because we don't see who you are--it's because we can see how beautiful you are, how amazing and brilliant and wonderful and caring! This reminded me of a short article I read:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I know it's kinda cheesy to leave a huge quote in the comments, but I think that this really fits here. I'm sorry things have been so rough, but they will get better!

I love you, and I hope you feel better soon!

Pattie Cordova said...

I hope you're keeping a journal during this time... seems that you're learning so much right now.

Telstaar said...

Can I say Marissa, wow and cool and that impacted me also, thankyou :)

Sheryl said...

Man, that's SO great that you're feeling this way! I started thinking about some of the same things yesterday while I was lounging after a long hectic trip and was too worn to do anything but sit, relax, and think. Doesn't it feel great and exciting... but terrifying at the same time!?! Oh well - kudos to you and your journey!