Drug Induced Fun (or some may call it humiliation)

(but it can’t be humiliation if you are in no condition to remember it the following morning. Memory loss nixes the humiliation factor)

I was sick last night. Feeling pretty vomity. I decided that I needed to quickly go to the grocery store and buy saltines and Diet 7Up to settle the stomach. So, Big B and I got in the car around 10:30, but I had refrained to tell him I had taken all my sleepydrunky meds plus a Xanax and, thus, seemed more than slightly inebriated.

Brandon saw that I was sportin’ some serious nipple and said that I started crying in the store when he buttoned up my jacket. He was frantic to cover up my treasures, and that devastated me. I also called oyster crackers snoyster snackers and I was hysterically laughing about it, like, for realsies doubled up in the cracker aisle. Personally, though, I find the word snoyster to be pretty funny. It reminds me of boinker. You know?

The icing on the cake came, I believe, when I told B I could see his vagina. I believe the exact words I used, at least as B says, is “Eeeeeewwwwwwwy, I can see your vagina!” I'm having a hard time with this. Even my two year old son can clearly see the difference between male and female equipment. He can't even say the V word, or the P word, but he knows what's what and where it belongs on whom. He can't say snoyster, but he can tell that a man clearly does not have a V word. But give Mom a Xanax, and she starts seeing V words all over the place, even through baggy male undergarments.

I also read around 45 pages in my book, and today I had to re-read the entire thing because I couldn’t remember a thing. What a waste.

Today hasn’t been nearly as fun. I didn’t spontaneously cry at the mall, and at lunch I didn’t try to show off private parts or say snoyster, though I did chat it up with a gay guy at Nordy’s about jeans. We both decided we are in love with Joe’s Jeans. THAT was fun.

But it was no drug-induced haze of snoysters and confusing private-looking parts.

I guess there’s always tomorrow, or, more likely, tonight.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take my meds.