Thursday, September 4, 2008

It won’t be the Last Time I hear her Say

My body’s falling apart, she says.
I shake my head no, please, but I know. I know it is.
I look at her, and want to scream why won’t you just eat? Why? whywhywhy
But I don’t
because
I know. I know why.
Sometimes living seems
harder than
dying.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
It hurts. It hurts her.
I could never go to your funeral, I manage. I’d die first.
Ah, you're such a little shit
, she says.
And I smile wearily.
Leave it to her
to work 'little shit' even into a conversation
like this.
Look, I gotta go, she says.
But butbutbutbut
I love you.
I love you too, I echo
And we hang up.
And I pray
It won’t be the last time I hear her say
I love you.

21 comments:

Laura said...

You captured so many feelings in such few lines. And I am left wanting to hear more..
Thanks for sharing this...gives me lots to think about.
Love you

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zubeldia said...

oh honey, as you know my best friend tried to commit suicide on Monday. And before that a few weeks ago - and I discovered that she had od'd (through deduction) and called an ambulance in the UK from here in the US.

She would have died. It's too painful for her to live, she says. And I have to admit that I cannot feel that, because I look at her and see someone wonderful, a brilliant person, funny and oh so kind.. and she's in a despairing place, and it;s hard to watch.

She once jumped off a bridge.

I'm preparing for the call to tell me she's been successful.

Sometimes living is too much. I hope that she makes it.

I'm sorry you're facing this. It hurts, I know it does. What can we do to help support you, Brie?

Emily said...

I'm sorry you are in this situation with your friend. It's a really hard situation to be in. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

Kathy with a K said...

so sorry, Brie.
It's a very helpless and scary position to be in. You sorta know both sides.
Keep pointing her towards health; toward nourishing her body enough to keep it alive.

xo

Tiptoe said...

Brie, hard situation to be in. I've been on both sides of the coin and neither are easy. Hang in there and reach out and keep yourself in recovery too.

Jackie said...

I am so sorry about her hun :( You are doing everything you can though - you know the rest is up to her. I love you honey, hang in there.

xo jax

KC Elaine said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this, hon. Sometimes watching our friends struggle is harder than the struggle we ourselves face. remember what you commented to me in my post about Bret? SOmetimes you've gotta take a step back to protect yourself. It hurts because you love them, but you cannot, cannot lose yourself in the process. call if you need to talk. Kyla

brie said...

Thanks all for your comments. Man, this hurts so much.

Ky, thanks for the advice. I needed a reminder. :)

jana bananas said...

Heartbreaking. That's all I can say.

Krista said...

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I hope things get better.

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

*hugs*

Marste

H said...

Hey you...you have such a way with writing that evokes tears from me, no matter if it's funny or sad. EDs are such a slow suicide, but so many don't realize that. And sometimes, they aren't so slow, which can be quite scary. I know T didn't have an ED, obviously, but knowing someone close who has committed suicide is devestating, no matter how you phrase it. As the "friend' you feel so helpless, yet you want to do SOMETHING to help! It's so difficult. But, as I'm sure you know, to get "better" whether from an ED or depression, that person has to take the steps needed to get help. Us "friends" can't make the change for him or her, although we so desperately want to. I had an inkling something bad was going on with T from our conversation the night before he died, and I've always beat myself up about it....wondering if I could've said something different or helped him in some way to stop him from doing it. It's still hard to reconcile with, but I know I have to let go of those thoughts. I'm sorry you're hurting. When I read what you wrote, part of me thought you were referring to yourself, then I thought that perhaps it was a friend. Just still wondering. Just being the good friend that you are, if this is a friend, is enough. The rest is up to him or her. Be gentle with yourself during this time, as I know you often take the burdens of the world on your shoulders....including cats! : )

H said...

Oh my gosh..I just looked at what I wrote and it's so way too long. Sorry. But I did mean every word of it, if that helps any!

Gaining Back My Life said...

I'm sorry we share some of the elements in this writing of yours. It is deeply moving.

I am so sorry. Just remember it doesn't have to stay this way. It's just a long way out.

brie said...

H, no, this isn't a 2-sided convo with myself - it's an actual one I very recently had...

Cammy said...

It's always hard to see a friend hurting, and sometimes it is even worse when you have an intimate knowledge of the kind of pain they're going through. I remember what you told me about this situation in a comment on one of my posts, I'm really sorry that things are difficult. Hang in there, ok? Remember that in the end it is up to her, please don't feel like you have to shoulder responsibility for this.

H said...

In that case, I'm sad for you...and whoever it was. It's not a good place to "be" on either side of the coin. My thoughts will be with you and your friend. Man, Ed sucks. Big time.

alana.rachelle said...

i loved this b. of course she'd work in "little shit" huh?! silly girl. but it breaks my heart and i just don't know what to say anymore. even the most poinient expressions of pure love can't stop her at this point and it tears me up to know that we have no choice but to sit and watch. but you're a good friend b. she knows you love her. and i pray that she knows i love her. and i surely hope you know by this point that i love you!

ps..."that mother chucker"
pps..."nate, don't f with an f-er."

brie said...

Thanks, a. I know there's not a lot I can do, but it's so hard to just...*watch.*

"I'm Chuck Bass."
S: "Ah, c'mon Blair, you can be nice. Tell me you like my hair."
B: "But your hair looks DISGUSTING."

We should perhaps have a GG party on MOnday?!

alana.rachelle said...

heck yes we should!!! "did you even shower today?!" call me so we can plan! rr before the show???
xoxo