Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm Bringing Blogging Back

Alliteration: 3 points!

It’s been a loooong time since I’ve actually blogged. I mean, I’ve posted a plethora of pics, (and, I’m SO sorry – raise your hand if you got sick of staring at me and ‘lil C!) but that doesn’t really actually count as blogging, as I didn’t write much. I just can’t figure out what the H is wrong with me. Not really, you know, superdupersad, but not at all reallyawesomelyhappy, either.

I’m just kind of stuck in this in between place that’s starting to feel a bit uncomfy. Like, you know when you were in the 5th grade and you went on a field trip to see the ballet? And you had to look at the guys in their tights and see the outlines of their hoo hoo’s? That’s what I feel like! It’s awful!

I guess I’ve lost a lot of weight. My T said the word relapse when I saw her last, and I totally had to interrupt her and ask “DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M RELAPSING????” and she looked annoyingly amused and said YES. I beg to differ. I just think I’m LAPSING. Lapsing is waaaaay better than relapsing cuz it means you can dig yourself out of the massive pile of shit you’ve just dumped all over yourself and get clean and all better again without the hospital or treatment or WORSE a feeding tube. Well, scratch that.

I’m actually supposed to start using the feeding tube again. GUYS, that makes me so sad! Anorexia makes me cry!! Why am I so GD stupid? My poor ‘lil body is just realllllllly stressed since I, you know, didn’t really feed it for like 8 years or whatever. And now, when I do eat, my confused small intestines have decided it’d be a terrific idea to just not absorb any of the food or nutrients and instead just slide it right on through. Super annoying. Like, super.

So, I “promised” my T I’d use the tube this week. Does promise mean again that you’re supposed to do what you said you would or else you’re a really bad and un-trust worthy person? Damn. I thought so.

So, I’m at work, and I’m going to drink a Boost at 11. I set my alarm. Also, I’m about to partake of some peanut butter and crackers and maybeif my stomach allows it I’ll put some Cheezits in there. We’ll see. I mean, it’s pretty picky lately. I never know what I’m going to get in a day: Normal Stomach or High Maintenance Stomach. I think it might have multiple personalities.
Note to self: look into this.

Oh, and many thanks to Ms. A and Mrs. L for helping me through this weirdness. Trips to the petting zoo and Mimi’s and RR were much needed. You twosies are the best! Friends forever! Sad stuff never!

So, here I am, still doing the same ‘ol same ‘ol. Work: gotta love contributing to society n stuff. Being a good mama: so my son doesn’t turn out to be a sociopathic serial killer one day. Wifey responsibilities: not throwing gummy bears at B’s face, watching man shows with him, and letting him play Halo. Therapy: listen and learn and do do do.

Well, a real post! Please feel free to blog stalk then for reals stalk me if I continue to post an embarrassing amount of pics. But they say a picture is worth a thousand words orwhatever, right? So if I have no words, then it only makes lots o sense that pictures could do all the talking? Right? I know. Lame excuses. No more yoga pics or sad post-nappy faces anymore. I solemnly swear.

Okay, I have lots of blog catching up to do. On my break, of course. Bretty, call me! We have lots o contracting work to do!

you know you love me,
xo xo


Carlie Michelle said...

So sorry you blah- but so happy you're back!

jana bananas said...

Yeah, you drink that Boost, woman!

alana.rachelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
alana.rachelle said...

"hey upper east siders, gossip girl here. your one and only source to the scandalous lives of manhattan's elite..." oh babes, i heart you! and i adore spending time with you so lets do it more often 'mkay?! follow through with the boost because it'll keep you with your darling familia and out of dreaded treatmenia (dude that's like a disease in and of itself sometimes!). here's an idea, rip all the labels off and grab a random bottle- that way when you take a big swig the flavor's a SURPRISE! haha wow just goes to show how many "creative" ways people have tried to get boost down me through the years huh?! so sad but true so what can ya do?! anyway lover, you're the bomb dot com and i heart you mucho! "xoxo gossip girl"

KC Elaine said...

glad to have you back! I was worried when I saw your pix and read about your breakfast in that questionnaire, glad you're taking care of yourself though. hang in there, and drink your boost! lotsa loves

Krista said...

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! We should play drinking games with your boost. Then at least it might make it fun for ya. If you need the tube so what. Just do it. It does not mean you are weak or a failure, it means you actually care about getting better.

Kathy with a K said...

Seriously (with a dash of humor) if you wait for your stomach and intestines to decide to be reasonable and not so picky you will effectively maintain disordered eating.
Call me crazy, but I think you're a fun, vibrant, intelligent and (really) young woman with a lot of good stuff goin' on WITHOUT the freakin' ed.
Believe me (remember...I'm in my 40's) the ed gets old, tired, tediously boring and UGLY the older you get.
Figure out what the heck it's doing for you and replace it with something that won't kill you, or even WORSE...make you ugly!
Lose the effer ASAP.

alright; end of little speech.

Laura said...

Just as I read that you were losing weight, I was shoving a turkey wrap in my mouth.

I would say more, but it would be a repeat of what K said...we tend to say the same things...and we both know the pain in the ass the ed is.

love you

Emily said...

Brie, if ya need the tube, then ya need the tube. Don't think poorly of yourself or abilities because of it! We all slip. Just gotta get back up, that's all. You can do it! And I am proud of you for drinking the boost. I am glad you are back to blogging, I missed you! Love Emily

Sarah said...

It's the nature of the Beast, the lapsing and relapsing. It sucks bad but you know what to do. You have tools and support and you can pull out of this. You absolutely can. I have complete faith that you can do this.


Cammy said...

Hang in there, Brie. You deserve so incredibly much better. Think about how hard you worked to fight your way out, you deserve to enjoy the rewards of that instead of letting it suck you back in. I'm experiencing a lot of back-and-forth as far as recoveryness myself right now, I know how frayed that thread can feel sometimes, but keep on keeping on. I really respect you for everything you have accomplished, and it's natural to struggle sometimes, there is no cure for being human. Just remember that each day is YOURS, nothing belongs to the ED, don't let yourself believe any different.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm glad you're back, and I'm sorry you're struggling. But YAY! for catching it NOW instead of later, you know? And yay! for recognizing it and acknowleging it and not denying it. That is freakin' HUGE.

Hang in there, Brie. And remember that there are a lot of people rooting for you. :)


Cara said...

Missus, don't put yourself under pressure to keep us lot amused, we miss you when you're gone, of course, but life gets in the way of writing sometimes, and that's okay. Of course, that said, when you need somewhere to vent, and a mass of shoulders on which to cry, where better to go than a blog?!

Get yourself good and well though, please. Brie, the bright and beautiful, I'll feel less guilty about being disappointed you're choosing photo entries over sharing your musings, then!

I'm sorry, what was that someone said about contradictions...!? Ah, but Ps, you can never post too many pictures of that beautiful baby boy of yours.

(alliteration is contagious, yo)

brie said...

You're right, K squared, why do I want this? What is it giving me? Besides some awful intestinal issues, yellow, yucky skin, that is? I'm so lame. I'll figure it out, though, I swear. I can feel the answer coming next therapy sesh...

brie said...

Oh, and K squared - another thing:

I don't want you think I don't luuurve ballerinas - even of the male variety - it's just that when you're 11 and terribly immature hoo-hoo's are funny, you know?

Anonymous said...

Oh Brie! You better start using the feeding tube again! A relapse is no good. I'm recovering well from my accident and will come ninja kick your butt if you don't gain ASAP!

licketysplit said...

tough stuff chica, but it sounds like you KNOW what you need to do. *unfortunately* the hard part is following through, AND not half-assing (something i'm familiar with...) also, i totally loved the pics,your little fam is adorable (so don't stop posting them!) and ultimately this blog is for you right? you have no reason to apologize to anyone. :)

it's me, t said...

So, I have a few things to say since I haven't said anything in forever. First off, I freaking love you Brie, and I'm so proud of you. In the words of Bren McGuff, "You're a viking." And that's no joke. I hate it when people, especially Ts use the word RELAPS just because they want to get some emotion out of you. I swear it's all a plot to see the tears. Anyway, I also wanted to comment on how when Cade is in the school years, he's going to have one of the hottest mom's possible. Like his little boy friends are going to be having some pretty exciting dreams about you. Also, you mentioned feeling like you do when your 5th grade class visits the ballet.. and you see male "packages," my words, not yours.... well it wouldn't be so traumatising if you had been given that book about the differences between boys and girls when you were little. It's totally natural. That's all I have to say. :D I love you, cheese face.


elizabeth said...

I think lapsing sounds about right. That 're' carries quite a bit of weight that can burry you with the thought of it. ick.
I really hope that something moves a little and that you can find a way to get back into the swings of recovery and everything it implies. It's exhausting stuff. I know you know. Be proud and keep going.

Hostels can be pretty scary. I'm hoping this one is haunted. this house is very victorian looking. It would be a very good story upon return, don't you think?

Penny said...

I, too, am glad that you are back. I know that when you blog, your head is coming back to straight. You figure out stuff through your placing the words on the page and then all of these wonderful friends give all of us great therapy sessions. heck, I feel better after your blog and the ensuing comments. Kudos to all of you and especially to you, dear marcus(Brie). You push the edges but i know that a relaspe is not in your future. There is too much in your future for you to slip very far. I love you.

H said...

I too have been in that "weird" place...not really sad, but not really happy and it sucks big time. Sorry you're experiencing that right now.

And, Brie, you've got the fight in you to battle whatever this is...a "lapse" or a "relapse"...however you want to see it as. You know the tools to get better, but it's really got to come from inside you...to push yourself to DO what you don't necessarily WANT to do, because it means you'll be there for Cade and Brandon in the "here" and in the "forever." I love ya and it saddens me that you're struggling again, but I have faith in you that you can kick ED's ass and finally be free. It can be done. Many have overcome it, as will you. I just know it! And I'm a kindergarten teacher, so in case you didn't know, I know EVERYTHING.....hee, hee. Love ya girl!

Laur said...

maybe me you and alana can watch gossip girls next Monday too!
So anyways i loves you to death. I don't really think you are relapsing because you don't seem to be trying to not eat, however I think you do need to make an extra effort to eat more and eat more fattening foods. I know its hard when you are anxious and food just sounds gross, but just try okay! xoxo

Shannon said...

Blah for the in-betweenies. Hope you start feeling better? more? Not sure what you really hope for, just feeling something, right? Anyway, I enjoyed all your picture posts. It's fun to be silly in pics and I love seeing what a big man Cade is now.
PS-Good job in being a good wife and letting Brandon play Halo. I have a hard time being ok with Halo in my house. Ugh.

Kathy with a K said...

hoo-hoo's are funny at any age! wrap 'em in a dance belt and ballet tights and your just asking for giggles.

Krystle said...

It's great to hear from you, Brie! Anorexia makes me sad as well, but we are stronger than it is, and I believe in you. Take care, and be safe. *Hugs*

kristin said...

Welcome back, Brie! I missed ya! :)

Take care!

love, kristin

Jackie said...

I know how icky and awful the feeding tube is hun. I know what it does to you, but honestly, your little body needs the nutrients. So please, please, please keep your promise to M and do it. Pleeeeeease. I love you so much and want you to be healthy and happy. Sometimes we just can't do it on our own without a little help. I believe in you!!!!