Saturday, December 22, 2007

No Tale Tells All #2

Who am I?
I know the question is so cliche, but really, who am I?
Tuesday was my last sesh with my therapist. She maintains that I don't need therapy so much as "spiritual guidance." And I do agree. (At least I think?) I mean, my spirituality is a big part of my life, and I would like to strengthen that area - I do agree with her that it would help in the whole recovery aspect.
But for me, living without therapy is like a fish trying to survive out of water. Being Anorexic Brie, the girl who's always in treatment centers, the emaciated girl, the girl who's always in sad and pathetic as it sounds, that's who I was (and maybe still am).
That was my identity. That hopeless, fragile shell of a person was what I knew, was all that I thought I had to offer this world whose idea of a beautiful woman is an emaciated woman.
I know that it's time to grow up and shed that old, tired me. I want to be somebody new, real, vibrant, beautiful.
But I'm scared. What if the Brie I find down the road does not fill me the way my anorexic self did? What if I can't find anything else to be good at?
So, wow.
It's time to try being...well, normal.
Is there even such a thing?
Is there such a thing as me living in this world without my eating disorder?


KC Elaine said...

I promise there is such a thing as Brie without an eating disorder. Anorexia is not who you are, hon. I'm reading Dr. Berrett's book right now, it's pretty good! I know it's scary, but I really do believe and know that you will find who you are without an eating disorder.

alana said...

i can totally relate to you and that intense fear you are describing. to live a certain way for so long is familiar and familiar is comfortable, and its hard to remember that what's familiar and comfortable isn't always synonomous with what's best. oh how i wish it was! you've talked about how you're scared that without the mask and identity of your ED telling you how to live your life that you are scared that you won't measure up; that you won't be enough, but brie, you already ARE enough. through your kindness, friendship, humor, advice- you have already shown that to us time and time again. if anything, the preoccupation of an eating disorder is the one thing that holds you back from being that person that we all know and love. i can't help but think of the nelson mandela quote that talks about our greatest fear not really being that we are inadaquate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. that quote is referring EXACTLY to girls like us. HF has instilled in us SOO much love and talent, but we are just so afraid to tap into it out of fear that once we actually use it, it may somehow not be enough...dude, i know its hella hard, but its time to stop living life according to the "what ifs!" keep fighting dude, because i KNOW you can beat this. plastic power!!!! love you!

KC Elaine said...

ps I also got this book called what are you hungry for? It's another book on spirituality and EDs. they're both nondenominational. I also got the book you recommended, will read it...

Tanya said...

Unfortunately I do not have the answer you are seeking for myself and that makes it hard to help you find one for yourself. I wish this world was simple and easy to live in. I wish the answers to our lifelong question about who we are, and what is our identity destined to be for this lifetime would just fall into our laps...or even that they were there from the day we started thinking in clear thoughts. Knowing what we want and how we want to be known...I wish we could just know what was at the core of what we call ourselves. I do think that maybe the answer will come to you when you try to follow your spiritual path. I pray that it does...for you, for me, and for anyone else who is struggling with this same question of who are we without ed...

Hugs....good luck on your journey for that answer. I hope it ends in the best possible way.

brydelle said...

Wow, that was really insightful. You're not the first person to ask that: who am I? Everyone, I think, asks that question at least once in their life. I started wondering during the end of my senior year, and I struggled with it for a while before I realized that, for me, what I do is who I am, and so I decided that I whatever I did, it would always be honest, always alive. Anyway, that's just my opinion on finding yourself. I'm so glad that you're asking yourself these questions, that you want to do what you can to find the beautiful person you are. You are amazing, and I love every part of you. Good luck.

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

I really like what you have said. I agree with what some of your other friends have said; wondering who you are is something all of us have had to ask ourselves. I still sometimes wonder, but much much less than when we were in highschool.
I think something that has helped me is keeping myself VERY busy. Not giving myself time to think about whether I am good enough, pretty enough, acomplished enough, skinny enough, liked enough.
I can also relate with your fear of having to let go of your true friend and true companion, your eating disorder. There is a thing or two, one thing in particular which I have struggled to let go of for a long long time. I still think about it more than I should, but that is where "Staying busy" has helped. I don't have time to sit and think about myself as much as I used to. I am a mom now, and a wife, and I have a house to keep clean and errands to run and a child to raise. I don't have as much time to sit and dwell on my imperfections.
I think we are scared to let go of those things because they have served as a preocupation and an excuse to not be happy.
"I can't truly be happy because of ......"
Anyway I hope you and I both can give up our tendancy to be so hard on ourselves. Love ya!

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

hey i am going to write you a little message to your facebook so check it okay and write me back.

Emily said...

My dear Brie,
All my professionals tell me really, truly living without an ED is possible, so it must be true. However, I am having trouble believing it myself, so there's no way I can help you. I'm sorry. I can barely help myself on the good days. But do know that I believe in you. You have come so far!

Kate said...

Gosh, Brie. YOU are amazing. You really are. Not to mention talented, beautiful, caring, kind, giving, and loving. You are da bomb....ESPECIALLY without ed.

alriggells said...

Brie, I totally hear you. I don't know what to say, your writing takes me away. You are amazing. Brie I love you to no end, and know that you are fully capable of winning this battle, and that you will win this battle. Brie you are one of the people that I would do anything for, I would die for you. If it took me dying for you to show you that the bastard of ED is not who you are, then I would. You are more then what ED tells you are, you are you, you are Brie Brievik, Cade's amazing mom, Brandon's loving wife, a daughter of God, and your parents, one of the most important people in this world. You measure up, you being you is enough, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Brie I believe in you, I care about you, I know you are going to kick this thing in the ass, I love you for you. I don't know what to say, I LOVE YOU.....YOU!!!!!!!!