Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Going in Circles

I don’t even know what to write about today. I’ve sat in front of the computer for just about an hour this morning, brow furrowed, biting my fingernails, wondering, what should I say? What should I not say? I’ve many ideas circling around up there, but none of them are really cohesive, and none of them are really funny.

I want to be funny today. More so for me, than for you, I guess. Maybe.

Thing is I’m just not really in a funny mood, these past couple days. Maybe I’m PMSing. This is a very real possibility. Or maybe I’m just bored with the same monotonous routine everyday: Wake up, get Cade ready. Take him to the babysitter’s house. Go to work. Blog. Answer the phone, M Healthcare, this is Brie, transfer calls. Pick up C. Swim, or watch cartoons, or read books with him. Change about 3 dirty diapers. Listen to him cry, or whine, or want something, always more, and wonder why I’m not a good mother. Wish I could nap. Eat lunch, or a snack. Nap when Big B comes home, feel guilty but I can’t help it so I’m going to. Eat dinner, watch TV, maybe go for a walk, occupy C while B does homework, go get a drink at the Sev. Tuck C in bed, read a book. Take xanax and wait for my thoughts to slow so I can sleep. Sleep fitfully, dream a lot. Wake up. Repeat, repeat, wax on, wax off.

I love Brandon. I love Cade. But I wish I were more than this. Bigger (HEAVENS NO not literally bigger). I know that everybody’s life is different; everybody’s paths take them to places they never thought or dreamed they’d go, for better or for worse. But I can’t help but thinking of the little 7 year old Brie, with her uneven bangs and dark hair it was almost black, shy but smart, thinking that she’d grow up to be so tired, so tired every day. That she’d be a receptionist at a healthcare company. Spend countless days, months, in treatment. Wait for things to change, only to finally realize, that things don’t change on their own; ambivalence will get you no where. You have to make them change, but change is hard hard hard.

I was supposed to be Somebody. I was supposed to write, make a difference. But knowing isn’t the same as happenstance, I guess.

Now I’m just rambling, and that’s just josie grossie. Want to know what’s on my to-do list today?

Take out the garbages.
Make Bran change the litter (I’m allergic to it).
386 loads of laundry.
Vacuum. (if my asthma lets me)
Clean Cade’s room.
Take 13 quizzes on Facebook. Hope none of them tell me I’m fat ever again.
Try not to nap. This one is usually in vain.
Write the next Great American Novel.
Make cookies for the neighbors.
Pick up litter off the highway.
Realize I’m, like, not fat.
Make a gourmet, 7 course dinner.

How many do you think I’ll get done today? Hmmm. Let’s be optimistic and say I have a lot of motivation to reach this potential of mine, and therefore will get three done. And they’ll probably involve Facebook, napping, and making Brandon take out the litter.

I thought I was made for More. But maybe it’s just not in the cards. Or ho hum maybe I’m just being dramatic and morbid and abysmal and should take a pill, drink some Diet Coke, and get over it.

Yeah, okay. More can wait. You want a Diet Coke? The soda machine’s just down the hall…

Wax on, wax off.


McIntyre Family said...

Hi Brie,

I can only sympathize with a lot of the crud you go through but I can definately empathize with what yo saying here! Hope things get better and those nasty grumpies stay away. You are such an amazing person and just being you is enough!

Angeline said...

Not sure if it means much but you help me a little bit every single day I am at work...and you don't even know me! (Hi...I'm Angie btw) Whenever I need a break I go to Bloxygen for some encouragement. I personally think you are a super star and you honestly have touched my heart and tickled my funny bone.

bananas said...

I totally get it. I have a very similar feeling about work right now...feeling frustrated, feeling like I was meant for more than this, feeling crappy.

Brie, I know you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to, seriously. I have no doubt in your mind that you're going to be a writer, and a fabulous one. If that is what you want, you can have it! Goals and dreams -- they are great. Why poop on them?

Change IS hard. I was just telling my boss that yesterday. God, it's so hard and it feels like it takes forever. But you can do it. I know.

bananas said...

No doubt in my mind I mean. :)

Standing in the Rain said...

oh lord do i get it! maybe this is the little patch after ed's are *mostly* over in which we have to make new plans for our lives. or realize what has happened has happened and now we can only make the best of it. i don't know.

but i do understand.

you aren't alone.

and i hope maybe that eases the dissapointment of it all.

tawny said...

You are living your life and now and you are making an incredible difference in Cade's life, Bran's life, and all your sis's and blog friend lives. We all love and need YOU!

and yes, that is why I made Vanilla Diet coke and my paint colors, and my running such an important part of my life: they cheer me up and they make me so happy in my little day when I have sooooo many other responsibilities for OTHER people.

The little things count amongst the big things! love ya

Abby said...

Aw, Brie. Hi. I guess I haven't been commenting on blogs because... what to say? But of course I'm reading again now that it's summer, and I like this post. I don't know... I'll pass on the Diet Coke because, well, I'm not a fan of Diet Coke. But I'm up for making to-do-three-thirteenths lists... and for wanting More.

Anonymous said...

Do you pay for childcare by the hour or the day? If it's the day, maybe you could spend a couple of hours writing before you pick up the little man? Or in the morning before you get him ready for the day? That's the cool thing about wanting to be a writer -- you can smoosh it into different times of day, unlike say, rock star, which would require nights and a propensity for trashing hotel rooms. Never too late, Brie, ever. Take charge!

licketysplit said...

I just wanted to let you know that I SO relate to this right now. I feel so stuck in my current (unfulfilling) routine, but absolutely powerless to change it. Partly because I don't know what changes I would make and partly because I just don't believe I have the ability. I'm terrified that this is going to be my life for years to come. Everywhere people say to "Just do it" , just try something new and become who you want to be and I feel like a failure because I can't seem to make it happen, I desperately need a change but I can't muster up the motivation. Anyway...I wish I had some life changing advice for you. The thing that kept coming to mind for me while reading your post was that what you ARE doing is so much more important that what you aren't, or any of those things on your list. You ARE still fighting (and winning), you are reaching out to other people and inspiring them to do the same. With all you're up against you haven't given up and that says more about you than any of your perceived "failures". Hope things look up soon :)

Krista said...

Well you made me laugh. Your list sounds like mine, but lets add in watch so you think you can dance.

Laura said...

news flash:
you ARE writing. every day.
and you are SOMEBODY to a little boy, a grown man, a sister to huge family, and friends, both in real life and "internet"

dont get me wrong, you KNOW I feel the same as this post...I talk of this need to be BIGGER and MORE, often....

but I do go to bed and remind myself that God has me right where he wants me to be.
And you, too.

It IS good stuff, when we dont focus on the boringness of it all.

brie said...

you guys...thanks.

don't know what else to say.

just...thanks. :)


Telstaar said...

I have so much to say... but I'll keep it short... Brie, you make such a difference but this isn't all there is. You can do it, health and all... I think the trouble is, figuring out the WHAT more than the how. You CAN do anything you want to...that is a LOT of options for you how does one narrow them down??

Personally, I'd love you to publish...publish the behind bars stuff, publish your story and publish just ANYTHING and everything else you want to! I know so so many people that are inspired and laugh and feel good when I read to them your posts, serious AND funny ones.

But, you're even more than just a writer and a mother and a friend... you are amazing and compassionate and intelligent and beautiful and wow... you can do ANYTHING.

I get the tired of routine and feeling the neverendingness of life, I really do... but I have faith in you, as does everyone else here :).

Love you miss B. xox