Thursday, March 19, 2009

We Believe You

Sorry I’ve been quite the downer lately. This whole lung thing has just hit me pretty hard, I guess. Feeling a wee bit ‘mo chipper today, though, so that’s good.

Unforuntately…I don’t have much to say – unless you wanna hear more doom boom you’re gonna die gloom. Wait, you do? Okay!

…Probably have to get a feeding tube again in the next week or so. Have no idea if it’ll be an NJ or a G, but there’s a strong likelihood it’ll be a G since I’m allergic to all that crap taped to my face and going in my nasal orifices. (Seriously I hate that O word. It's the bad one. Nast.) But you know, I’ve been fighting that for so long. (getting the tube, dealing with it, taking it out, having to get it placed again, etc) and do you all realize that I’ve had an NG or an NJ tube on and off for almost a freaking year? That's yuck buckets, right there.
But
To talk to my dietician yesterday, and for her to say, “Brie, I KNOW you’re doing so much better with your eating. I KNOW that you are taking tremendous leaps and bounds with your eating disorder behaviors. I BELIEVE YOU. But right now, despite everything you’re doing, it’s not enough. BUT THAT’S OKAY. Most people with lung disease have feeding tubes for the very reason you will have to get one – because they simply use too many calories trying to get adequate oxygen. But I believe you, Brie. I know this isn’t all your anorexia sucking the weight off you. You're sick. Let's fix it.”

Well shit. Finally! That’s all I’ve wanted – for people to believe me. To believe that I’m eating, and not lying about it. And finally, as horrible as this whole lung diagnosis has been, at least we know what’s going on, why it’s extremely difficult for me to gain weight and maintain, and maybe, just maybe we can try to fix it now.

Seriously, all I freaking care about right now is that my treatment team doesn’t think I’m still hardcore in my anorexic behaviors and lying about it. For so, so long, that’s what they thought. All I heard was you’re in denial, neener neener neener…and it seriously made me burn hot hot hottt with anger. Of course I could be eating better, yes, but I think that is a looooong process every single recovering anorexic will have to go through. But for people to finally acknowledge that Hey, yeah, Brie has been doing pretty good feels sooooooo good. My lungs feel bad, but that, my friends, feels good.

It’s nice to have people believe you. And in you, I might add. :)

22 comments:

Laura said...

Now, THAT is a beautiful picture of my hopeful Brie!!
Happy to see the life back in your eyes!!!!!!!!!!

(would you like me to come over and sing to you...I like to do that,and I know sooooooo many songs with the word BELIEVE in it.....I could sing to you for HOURS....)

brie said...

Laura! I'd love you to sing to me. But really, I'd actually prefer Jack.

Stacy said...

That's the best news. I mean about being acknowledged for how well you are doing. The tube doesn't sound fun, but at least it isn't because of behaviors.
So is it they fix your lungs or you need new ones?

Lisa said...

Boo to the tube, but big, big yay to your dietician's statements. You look lovely and happy in that picture.

Standing in the Rain said...

oh praise the freakin' Lord! they finally understand!!!! that's what i meant when i started talking about CF a few comments ago. most of them have f. tubes because it's SO hard to keep weight on. and long-term a G would be much better than the tubie hanging out of your nose, no? even if it is a little surgery.

so glad they FINALLY get it briester!

Kyla said...

I just caught up on all that has been going on. I am taken aback! I am so sorry your health is so sucktastic but I'm happy they found a reason for your difficulty in weight gain! You can do this!

Kara said...

That sucks that you have to get the tube again, but I'm really glad that they have figured out what is going on and that your lungs are causing you to have a hard time gaining weight. If feels so good to be believed and understood, doesn't it??

Kara said...

I just wrote a post on accepting that life is hard and it sounds like you are doing that. I admire you so much!

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

Wow. I usually lurk Brie, but while I'm sorry about the tube, I'm SO HAPPY that people are finally believing in you. That's fantastic, and it has to feel great. Congratulations on that part! :)

Marste

Krystle said...

I am so glad that they believe you, and you are going to get what you need. You rock! Keep at it, and it will eventually be okay. *hugs*

Jackie said...

I am so happy hun - I know how hard you have been trying and to have your treatment team finally acknowledge that, is great. I am sorry about the tube but you have done everything you possibly can on your own. You willl get through it just like you always have. You have been doing GREAT and we all believe in you. xoxo

jana bananas said...

I am so happy to see a picture of a smiling Brie. You look so much happier (and healthier, too). And I adore your hair. How do you get your bangs to stay over to the side like that? I don't think mine would behave if I had them.

Hey...your new font, while lovely (Papyrus right?), is kinda hard to read. Just throwing that in...

I am glad your treatment team finally believes you. It was always frustrating to hear how they didn't believe you for so long.

I can't wait to see you in May!

Pattie Cordova said...

look at you looking all happy... great to hear about the progress :-) You're glowing like a preggo

Pattie Cordova said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
satisfiction said...

Ok, first off, fancy new font! I like this one. Can't remember what it's called though.

So happy that people believe you! That's a big step, that people are finally acknowledging your effort. Do you think it has something to do with the allergist guy giving you an official medical reason why you're not gaining the weight they expect you to? Whatever the reason, it's great.

Keep up the fight. I can't imagine what a feeding tube is like since I've never had one, but I can tell they do not please you. But, it's a part of your recovery, and your recovery is inspiring. Hey, that's motivation - not only are you helping yourself, you're helping other people, that will find your journey reason to recover themselves. Yay!

- Lindsay

Nichole said...

I love that picture of you! I am so happy things are finally getting worked out for you! Keep it up. Even though you are sick in other ways (lungs) I think it is great that it explains so many other things. Good luck!

HAFC said...

I agree with you. It's nice to finally have, and hear, people say they BELIEVE IN YOU. I'm happy that your D finally "gets it" and that you're getting your lungs some much needed help. Wait a sec....CAN lungs, what you have, be cured or fixed somehow, or will you always have lung difficulties? I just found out I have asthma and it about shocked the crap out of me. But my problem is much more mild, but I really do feel for you....the oxygen thing....it would feel so good to take a deep breath and feel refreshed for once.

Telstaar said...

*happy happy smiles here*

I know how nice it is to be believed!
Sooooo cool :)

sucks re tube, but soooo cool re being believed and knowing that hte tube, isn't really for ED but for yr body due to lungs.

xoxo

kristin said...

I'm so glad that your team is finally believing you! That's awesome! I hope that you can overcome your lung issues and gain some weight, too! :)

Take care!

love, kristin

Wendy said...

Keep up the fight and hang in there! You've got lots of people rooting for you!

Brooke said...

Girl, I think you are doing the best you ever have. I have never seen you do better than you have the last year. I am scared for you about the "lung" stuff and I'm so sorry about that. But, like you said, now it shows that you have been working to eat and your lungs really have been affecting your caloric intake. Wow I sound so professional!

Love you and keep up the hard work of life.

drawandcolor said...

I'm so happy for you! That's such good news.
(And you're beautiful, BTW!)
:)