Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Alive

I didn’t sleep well last night. Finally, at 4 am, I got out of bed and took a bath. I looked at my body, and I saw all of my ribs and hip bones. I saw a collarbone you can grab with your entire fist, and knobby shoulders and concaves and hollows where there shouldn’t be.
I see these things every day, but this time, I really saw it.

I shouldn’t be so tired all the time, so broken. I’m 24, and my lungs barely work. I’ve done this all to myself.

And then I cried. A lot.
And then I prayed. A lot.

And I got out of the bath and crawled back into bed with Brandon, wriggled into his arms.
What’s up, Babe?"
And I say
I’m scared.”
and
"I don't want to be sick anymore."

And he pulls me closer to him, by his neck, tucked just under his chin, where I fit just right. He traces circles on my back with his fingers, and I can feel him there, his warm pervasive presence, his solidity, his vitality, and I can breathe just a little easier, literally, because I know that I am safe.

And finally, for the first time in awhile, I feel a little bit more alive.

23 comments:

Sarah said...

I love you honey. And you are safe. You will be taken care of.

Zena said...

I am so sorry you are scared, and I am glad you dont want to be sick anymore...you are here, you are safe...and as long as you keep trying its got to get better...

much love to you,
Z

Stacy said...

I have tried to find words for you. I love ya. I am glad you and your little family have each other and that you are getting better and that you want to be better, and you want LIFE.
smile.

Standing in the Rain said...

i'm glad you "saw" it this morning brie, even if it did hurt and was scary. and i'm even more glad that you have B to find comfort in.

keep going. it has to get better. it just HAS to, right?

licketysplit said...

Thanks for sharing this, it's powerful. We need those moments where everything just kind of hits us and we get a healthy dose of perspective.

Laura said...

It's good to be scared. Scared is usually what happens right before we make a really big, important decision.
Like staying alive.

And alive is a good thing.


love you

Sylvia said...

You are freakin amazing xxx

jana bananas said...

I think sometimes we need the crap scared out of us to really make some big changes. A good kick in the butt.

I am so happy you have Brandon.

tawny said...

Brie

all us sis's were at the park today and Brooke and Ang clued as all in for what's going on with you. I had no idea, well I mean we all knew your allergies and lungs are bad but we didn't know your lungs basically stopped functioning. Holy @#$.... We are all worried sick! and we are all thinking about you. Let's all get together soon when you have a break...we all need to chat.
pls take care!!!!

xoxo love your sista's

Jackie said...

I sent you an e-mail hon. I love you so much - everything will work out. With your desire to get better and the tremendous support you have around you, I just know you will be okay. Hang on.

T.S.T. said...

Fear can, indeed, be a gift, if we respond to that fear adaptively. I suspect that you will, my dear.

Lots of love . . . .

Penny said...

Your essay,(poem) is powerful and beautiful. Even in all of your tribulation, you can still create. Now, go, my dear and do whatever it takes to be truly well. I know that you can and will. I love you and Big B and Cade. You are all in my prayers...

alriggells said...

This was beautiful Brie, thank you for posting it. You have come a long way, and there is no reason you can't continue to become healthier and healthier. I know you got this, and I know you can do it. I love ya girl

Savannah said...

Wow...I may have just cried a little. This truly was one of the most powerful blogs I've read in a long time. Take care of yourself. Miss you and please know how proud I am that through it all...you still never give in. Amazing...just amazing. Love you.

brie said...

Thank you, everyone, for your comments and support. I means a lot right now...

Pattie Cordova said...

*hugs* a million of them going out to you because words are not enough to tell you how much I want you to make it through this.

Afterglow05 said...

Just so you know, I'm scared too. At least you are ready and you WANT to fight. Congrats!

Sarah said...

Brie,

I just wanted to tell you that in many ways I understand how you feel. I have struggled for such a long time with the ways in which I have harmed my body through ED. Grieving for the fact that you have an illness is normal, but it is amplified when you feel a sense of responsibility for the illness. I have literally thrown myself at my husband screaming and crying that I was so sorry that I have ruined his old age with my pre-existing arthritis and my ED-induced bone loss.

His response? "the ILLNESS did that, not you." He pointed out that there was no way on earth I would have purposefully harmed my bones. Same with you--you would never purposefully sabotage your health by hurting your lungs. An eating disorder is, to some extent a choice once you are aware of it, but it also INFLUENCES your choices and your ability to make those choices. You did not choose to have an eating disorder, and by extension you did not choose the consequences.

What you can choose is the next step.

You posted a few days ago about being challenged to take better care of your body with vitamins, etc. Why not use this diagnosis as a challenge to take better care of the things you CAN control? You can't control whether or not you have an ED or lung problems, but you can control taking your vitamins, eating enough, and staying away from exposures that make your conditions worse. Just a thought.

My thoughts are with you.
Sarah

Telstaar said...

Brie, you are wonderbubble. I know what its like to finally "see" and I get how scary that is. You are very definitely wonderbubble.

(Sarah thankyou for your comment, it was good for ME to read too!)

Love Telly xox

brie said...

Sarah, wow. Thank you so much for your reply. It really helped, and I appreciate you taking the time to write it. :)

Brooke said...

Hey Brie. I'm always last to comment. But, hey, I get there. I'm so sorry for how you feel. I have laid many days in John's arms or not and wished to just be out of pain and not be "sick" in my head anymore. Your pain may be more physical than mental right now...but I understand the feeling of just wanting to be better and get rid of all the BULL SHIT!
I wish that for you. I think we should all get together for a ya ya sisterhood night and make it all better for a night.

I'll get on the planning!

Melisa said...

Brie,

This made me cry. Thanks for being so honest and sharing such personal feelings. I hope in some way this helps you heal and realize these are normal feelings. You are an amazing person. I love your blog and I love your determination. Good luck:)

Shannon said...

Sorry for my looong absence from your blog. I thought that I had offended you, so just stayed away, but the other day I checked back in and this post seriously made me cry. It is so tender and sweet. I know how utterly crappy coming to terms with suckyness can be, but how wonderful to have that solid support right there when you need him. I am happy that you have that. It's more than most have. Take care!