M and I had an interesting sesh yesterday. I was telling her how I feel I’ve come a long way in that I’m no longer hell-bent on destroying myself. Before I was like, “Hey if it hurts and is bad for me then wheeeee I’m totally in!” but now I’m valuing myself enough or whatever to steer clear of that shiz. So M wants me to come up with 3 goals this week for working toward a better health and general feeling of well-being, not just recovery, because they’re technically two different things.Like, with recovery, I can eat REAL things besides cereal mixed with water and splenda or “sandwiches” (a saltine with sugar-free jelly on it) and be fine. More than fine, actually. If you tried to make me go back to that tasteless crap I used to eat, I’d beg to be shot first. So yeah, that’s part of recovery. EATING. (Who woulda thought?!)
But actually taking care of myself, working toward optimum health is different. For example, I still have the hardest frickin’ time taking vitamins. My D begs me to take a supplement and calcium daily, but I won’t. (I do, however; like Gummy Vites, but they don’t count cuz they’re for kids. Eating two – the recommended serving – apparently isn’t enough for me. I guess I have a lot of surface area…? Gross.)
So anyway when my treatment team asks me why I won’t take vitamins, it’s just like this default reaction in me to not allow myself to take them, because I know they’d actually be good for me, and I don’t deserve something like that, right?
Right?
I mean, that’s how I still think a lot of the time. It’s hard to switch my brain outta that. But I need to, because if I don’t, I’m always going to fighting against those lame pervasive thoughts that tell me I’m not good enough for good things and that I don’t deserve carrots cuz they actually might do my sad ‘lil self some good. This is so frustrating. Does anyone else relate?
So, I know that one goal I’d like to make is to take vites. Is it lame that I’m freaked out about it?
…But coming up with two more is going to be quite the roughie for me. Ideas or experiences are much appreciated, mis chicas bonitas. Gracias!
Better bounce now. Peace.
19 comments:
I totally feel the same way about vitamins! I don't totally know why I have this aversion to taking them, but I do think that at least part of it is that I don't deserve to be healthy or whatever... crazy! I have them sitting on my counter I just don't take them... so maybe I could do that one with you... As far as other things, I'll have to think on it, but go you! Yea for being healthy, and in the REAL way, not the way with the air quotes... "healthy" if yaknowwhati'msayin, which you probably don't, cuz i don't think i really made any sense just then and ohmygosh i think i'm on a caffeine high. Maybe I could cut back on caffeine as well... hmmmm
how about yoga (didn't you use to do that? do you still?). i'm thinking of finding a way to appreciate the strength of your body, which might spur you onto taking care of it(you).
this sounds like a great exercise, babe!
First, I'm glad you are blogging again and are feeling better! Missed you! On the other hand, I'm sorry for the crap you are going through with "recovery." I bet you really hate that word by now. I love you sis!
Hang in there!
fun regular physical activity. like playing volleyball with friends (a group of women in my area play together) or going on bike rides and using you rip stick.
intimate relations is said to be good for your over all health... don't know where you are with that but it is just a thought and you hubby might like it too!
glad you are feeling better.
I am the same way about vitamins -- that's exactly why I have trouble taking them. It's actually my goal this week to take my vitamins consistently. Every day! But my dietitian counts gummy vites as vitamins. I mean, they're vitamins. How can they not count? Just eat more than two. :) I think the fact that you've been able to take gummy vites (and the fact that I've been able to as well) are very positive steps!
I second Sarah's suggestion of yoga. I'm new to it (I started five months ago), and I love it because it's time just for me, and the focussed breathing and movements mean I can concentrate just on myself and what I am thinking and feeling, not on anything that is happening in the outside world. At the end of every session I come away with a greater appreciation of my body and what it can do, and a clearer mind.
I think this is a struggle for any mom, regardless of recovery. We instinctively take care of everyone else, before ourselves. I always hear that the first person a woman/mother should care for IS herself...then she can be the best person possible to take care of everything and everyone else.
I think the best thing you can give yourself is healthy time...time alone, time to write, time to go for a walk (and not one with ankle weights and a brick tied to your back!)
and time with your man. no kids. healthy normal night out.
I hate taking vitamins too. I don't, actually. Only in treatment when they make me. I think it comes from my dad and when I was growing up. He's a doctor and believed that if we eat healthfully, than our bodies don't need extra vitamins. Well, that sorta thinking got me really messed up, cuz later when I stopped eating healthfully due to ED, I STILL wouldn't take viatmins to improve my health. I struggle with this even now. Yet.....as weird as it sounds, I can allow myself to eat Flinstone Vitamins. And with those, I usually consume like 4 or 5. Not sure if that's healthy, but oh well. Right now, however, I'm on a vitamimn strike....sorry I can't be more encouraging, cuz I struggle with the same issue. Good Luck.....oh, and I did try some chewable centrum vitamins once and they tasted pretty good...but thus, I stopped after a few days. Don't know why. Nothing in my life seems to make any sense.
What about getting "me" time? I know having a kiddo and hubby kinda cuts back on "me" time, but that could be one of your "healthful things"........if I don't get "me" time, I'm like a really screwed up individual.
Oh I completely relate! I'm so similar. Self-punishment/self-destructive mode! One of my things is to not take my pain medications or to put them off for a really long time because don't I deserve all the pain I cause? Well of course not, it just is, but part of my brain thinks that!!
To be honest, I think working towards health, means choosing goals/activities/ideas that either help you with health (ie taking the vitamins!) or are fun and enjoyable...for me I love to dance (even though I completely suck at it)...so working towards dance classes would be mine (even just occasionally) why, because i deserve it! It's enjoyable! Another thing I want to do is play the piano properly, its fun and it just is! That is health!
I guess, it seems like there are lots of peopel working on your physical health, so that'll probably sort itself over a long time as much as it can...but to be really healthy, you gotta do at least some things for your mental health.
Just my opinion, feel free to disregard! :D Hope I'm not too forward.
Love Telle xo
Sarah's yoga idea is great, and damn if Telstaar didn't beat me to the mental health idea. So... basically I'm just here to say "hey that's a good thing you're doing there" and give you a thumbs up. How productive am I?
-Lindsay
B, go get Viactiv calcium chews! The milk chocolate kind. They are actually GOOD and taste like real chocolate. And they don't hurt your tummy or anything. Seriously, it is the only way I get calcium! All the normal grocery stores carry them. You will looooove it!
xoxo
I think that for soooo long all everyone around you could think of and pray for was for your ED to abate and for you to be able to recover. But now it seems like its that fairy tale ending of "and they all lived happily ever after" that is the culprit. Or its like the young girl who concentrates all of her life on finding the "perfect" man and getting married and then never thinking about the "after." You are in recovery from the ED but now what? Its what you really have never faced yet. Your life for too many long years was consumed with the addiction of it and now you get to choose who to be and how to be and what to do with the rest of your life. I would advise to think of this excercise from your therapist as a most liberating and wonderful assignment. It means that now you can focus on the real you that has been lost for so long. I do not really care what you choose. I am just so happy for you that you now have a life to live and to direct it and to love it. You keep going, girl!
yay! goals are fun... give life purpose. I forget/don't want to take vitamins either... couldn't you drink a bunch of life water? I think that has vitamins in it...
It's 3am here and I'm exhausted so I will try to help come up with ideas for you later...BUT for now, just wanted to tell you that Target carries ADULT CHEWY VITAMINS AND CALCIUMS (not viactive, but a different brand. I haven't tried the chewy vits yet, but the calciums are quite delicious!) Hope this helps!
I know exactly how you feel, sweetie. Taking vitamins is a great goal. :) Keep up the stellar work! xoxoxo
YOu guys, you're rock stars! Seriously, totally appreciate all your ideas and feedback. I DO need to get back into yoga, I kinda stopped doing it because I lost weight again and they didn't really want me to exercise, plus the whole "you're going to die of asthma" thing kinda gets in the way, too. I see my allergist next week and I'm hoping to get the green light for physical exercise. But mental health, alone time, walks, etc, are all awesome. You helped me, so therefore you rock. Gracias!
I think it's great that you WANT more than recovery. Sure, it's along road, but it has some good scenery. It can be hard to "know" it's okay to take care of yourself, instead of just knowing it's okay -- but I have faith in you.
oh, i thought of something! - better late than never right? :) - You can get little flavor packets to add to water that have vitamins in them. Emergen-C is one brand. I think they taste good - esp the orange flavor.
Good luck with your goals! have you thought about meditation?
take care,
shawna
I find this vitamin discussion fascinating, more so because it differs so much from my own experience. I tend to err on the opposite end of the spectrum, i.e. I want to "pill" myself out of truly taking care of myself. I'm a vitamin addict. Somehow I would rather pop a caffeine pill and some B-12 than get more than a few hours of sleep, I would rather eat a handful of vitamins than eat a proper meal, etc., all with the hope that if I just find the right combo of supplements, I won't have to do what's obvious in terms of caring for myself. I love reading this different perspective!
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