Thursday, March 12, 2009

Back in the Day Thursday

I’m five now. My stomach hurts terribly. I have a fever, and I cry. I can’t stop crying. My older brothers tease me and tell me to stop faking a stomach ache to get more attention from Mom. I’m mad because I know I’m not faking, I’m so sick and I hurt so much. I scream and writhe in pain. Mom takes me to the doctor after two days of getting worse, not better. The doctor (whom I HATE and am terrified of) tells me that she has to get me to the hospital immediately because my appendix are about to burst. I’m in the backseat, and Mom’s speeding on the freeway, trying to get me up to Primary Children’s. She’s scared, and I can see her trying to hide her tears. I’m doubled over, begging her that I’m fine my tummy ache will go away soon I promise Mom please just take me home I’m scared I don’t need to go to the hospital please please please.

I’m rushed into surgery. My appendix ruptures when they open me up. I am saved just in time. I’m in the hospital for a week, and I’m scared. Mom can’t leave me, or else I’ll die. I know it. I get toys and treats, and I like it. But I miss Brett.

I’m home now, but I’m sick again. I have a bad fever and my tummy hurts again. Back to the hospital, the doctor says. I scream again and fight and fight and fight to not go, because I know I’ll die. I know it. More surgery. They hadn’t gotten out all the poison when my appendix burst. I’m really sick. I could die, I hear the doctors telling my mom. The world isn’t safe anymore. I don’t want to die. But I have no control over that.

A month later, I return to school, 10 lbs lighter but much, much heavier. The weight of the world is on me now, because I know it’s not safe and bad things happen and I could die and I’m so scared.

And that affected me for a long, long time.
Far too long.

10 comments:

burningsteady said...

That sounds awful. I can't even imagine how scary that would be.

Sarah said...

oh, sweet girl. i'm sorry you had to carry that with you.

Kara said...

Thank you for this post. It made me think...

Pattie Cordova said...

way scary... my bro had to get his appendix taken out and I was on pins and needles thinking that I was going to be next. scary stuff...

satisfiction said...

Augh! That's scary!

Well, I'm glad you're still alive. :S And, hey, at least your appendix is gone and can't hurt you ever again.

-Lindsay

rachel ramsay said...

how old were you? i had mine out when i was five but under much different circumstances. i faked my stomach pain so i didn't have to do what my mom wanted me to and ended up in surgery... my appendix was fine...and i still missed my cartoon.

Penny said...

Wow, do i ever remember those days also. Nothing was ever really the same after those surgeries for either of us. Wish that I had known it at the time. How I would have handled situations differently!!(But I guess that is the regret of life isn't it, wishing that our foresight was 20/20 like our hindsight. I love you my dear.....

Krystle said...

Aw, sweetie. You must have been so terrified. :(

Telstaar said...

I wrote a post a long time ago now pondering how eating disorders can start and/or be influenced by when we percieve our bodies betraying us and ed's are our way of getting some control back because we don't trust them anymore.

I'm sorry about what you went through and have gone through since. I'm glad that AS you're coming through the other side, I get to have the privilege of reading and being inspired by you. xox

Brooke said...

Hey Brie. That is so scary. I just think of little Boosh because he is five right now. It breaks my heart because I've seen him in the hospital in surgery with anesthesia and crying up bloody tears from eye surgery. The way it breaks a mother's heart. It is interesting to me that you had the out-look that you were going to die. At that young age, I wonder where you got those ideas from. That is so sad. I wonder if Josh has ever wondered that? Wow...I can see now how the world would definitely be a scarier place to be in when you were younger. And carried on with you as you got older.

If I would have known what you were going through back then....ahhh...what a better sister I would have been :( Love you...