Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hazy Memories

I’ve been home for a few days now, got home Saturday late in the afternoon. My memories of the last week or so are hazy at best, between the morphine and oxycodone, it gets hard to remember.

I do, however, remember this:
Painpainpain lots of it.
My sweet BFF Whit, curling up on the hard-as-hell horrible mattress, sleeping by me at night because she knew I would hurt more if I were alone.
Brandon bringing me fuschia gerber daisies, my favorite.
My mom, coming to stay with me at the drop of a hat, keeping Cade safe and warm and loved, because she is his second favorite person in the world (after me, of course).
A visit from a friend I haven’t seen in years, to bring me a Diet Coke and the softest blanket I’ve ever felt.
Lana, coming to visit at 10 pm and not leaving till midnight, bringing chocolate shakes and Mean Girls, and contemplating having a slumber party with me…
Brandon, my Mom, cleaning my wound, not acting grossed out when I’d need help going to the bathroom or cleaning up my pukage, like someone else would be.
Patience and love and concern from everybody I know.
My sweet little boy, at home, wondering where his mommy could be? Fat tears rolling down his cheeks, bawling, and saying to his daddy, “I wanna see Mommy. I want Mommy come home. Pwease I wanna see Mommy pwease pwease!”
My son insisting on sleeping on his mommy’s pillow while she was gone, because it comforted him.
Weak. So terribly weak. I walk as if I’m 80 years old, hunched over because standing up straight causes incredible pain.
A swollen stomach with a huge tube coming out of it. It's damn attractive.
I’m terribly thin, have lost even more weight. I look terrible, even I, the seasoned anorexic, can see how terrifying I look.
Funny, wide-looking eyes, that have a far away look in them all the time. Painkillers will do that to ya. It’s pretty wild.

So I’ve lied in bed for the past few days, well enough, thank the Lord, to be home, but not well enough to do much of anything else. I still cannot go to work…don’t know when I’ll be back. I need time so that I can get stronger, not look like I’m literally dying when I go back. I’m just so WEAK. Moving is hard, still.

The surgery took a terrible toll on my body.

But at least I’m home, can wipe those tears from my baby’s eyes. I can remember how happy he was to come pick me up from the hospital, wearing his new yellow and blue plaid shorts and his Cars backpack, excitedly riding in the wheel chair with me down to the car. I can remember that he’s beautiful and he’s perfect and he needs his Mommy.

And that reminds me of what I need to do: pump the hell out of my stomach with BOOST. Yeah, baby!


Sarah said...

welcome home. you are so, so loved.

I'm praying for you. I hope it gets better every day.

licketysplit said...

You are a trooper. And that post made me cry. Glad you're home and hope that things keep getting better :)

Zena said...

Glad you are home and feeling a bit better..you will heal it will just take time..I will be praying for you.

Love, Z

Lisa said...

Oh, what an awful, awful time. I'm glad you're home. You've got lots of people out here thinking about you.

Brittney said...

I am so sorry...I hope you can start feeling better really soon so you can play with Cade. You are in my prayers.

HAFC said...

Glad you're out. All that pain, I'm sure sucks awful bad. After I feel down those flight of stairs 3 months ago and got a traumatic head injury from it (who would've known?) I had to be on bed-rest for almost 2 months straight and was in constant pain. So, just a little, I can understand how difficult it can be....the recuperating part, especially when you want life to just get going, dang it! Can you do low-key things in bed while you still feel week, like knitting or sewing or something like that? I did a lot of word searches and watch about a gazillion movies. Read, relax, watch movies, whatever, and soon you'll feel stronger....you're in my prayers.
- Heth

Standing in the Rain said...

wow, that sounds awful. who knew a so-called "simple" surgery would be so rough? man our bodies hate us, don't they?

all i can say is keep resting up and pumping that boost. you're in my prayers, brie!

Stacy said...

I am glad you are home, I am sorry it was so bad, but here's to the way up. Feel better.

tawny said...

Hey girl!!
that pic of you looks painful... so sorry you had to go through sooooo much crap! seriously. i am glad you are feeling a teeny weeny better...I hope you can start eating food again cuz your body NEEDS it!

we miss you and need a sister girls night soon when you recoupe a little!!!!!!

btw, i love the colors on your post...cheery despite the s a d post! hang in there! mom, whit, and bran are awesome! yay
xoxo love tawny

Marissa said...

I'm so, so glad you're home! I'm sorry about that awful, miserable experience with the hospital, and I hope you never have to do anything so horrible again. I'm glad that Cade is happy again too--I miss the little guy, and I'll have to come visit you guys whenever you feel up to it! I love you!

Kara said...

You have been through so much. You are so brave and so courageous. I'm glad that you are home. Get well soon!

Tanya said...

Brie...I am so glad you are home. It sounds horrible...all of it. I am so sorry you had such a terrible time with it all. If there is anything you need please let me know. I would love to come by and visit and bring you some good books or something that you want. Just let me know...Hugs. Much love....take care.

Keely said...

I am so glad your home and on the mend. (hug)

jana bananas said...

Yay, you are home!! That's a very good sign. I know you're feeling like crap ass right now, but it's going to get better. Just keep resting and taking care of yourself, doing what you need to do. I will see you ONE MONTH FROM TOMORROW!

kristin said...

I'm glad that you're home, Brie! Get well!

Love ya!


Laura said...

sending lots of love and continued prayers...

satisfiction said...

It must be so nice to be home. I hate being anywhere but home when I'm feeling sick. I was at my dad's over the weekend even in my gross coming off meds state and I hated it. I have a room there and a bed and a parent, but it still wasn't the same. Being in your own place really helps. Hope your healing speeds right along.


Telstaar said...

Oh Brie, that does not sound pleasant at all. I'm sorry (as in sorrowful) that things are so tricky right now. I do pray that God brings a speedy recovery to your body in all the ways it needs. You're totally wonderbubble for continuing the fight.

Love Telly xo

alana.rachelle said...

whatevs! i totally stayed till almost 2! and i would have stayed all night except i had class in the morning! except that i didn't even make it to my first class anyway... whoops. glad you're doing better. i love your buns! :)

Pattie Cordova said...

Welcome home Briester... you're a fighter and it sounds cheesy but that's the best way to say it.

Pattie Cordova said...
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Brooke said...

What an awful experience. I'm glad you could look at the good points though and bring those out. That is really important.

But....you did forget one really SUPER good thing. The chocolate mousse with the cherry on top that I brought you :) Yuck...That was gross and an even grosser joke.

For reals I'm glad to see you doing better than on this post (since I've seen you since then).