Wednesday, June 11, 2008

On Agonizing Heat, and How it Can Exponentially Increase Road Rage

The AC in my car had a stroke and died a slow and painful death.
Er, I think.
Husband tried to explain that it didn’t pass away, the fan did, but I don’t get it, because that sort of means that the AC’s given up the ghost, because no blessed cold air caresses my skin as I drive, and that’s all I care about. I mean, 2+2=4, right?
(Libby, you may have to help me with the math… ;)

So. Yesterday I had to drive 25 minutes into SLC to see H, my dietician. And I was sweltering. The windows were down, and since I was on the freeway, I couldn’t even hear my own overheated moans due to the semi’s roaring next to me not only scaring the squeakers outta me, but also slightly deafening me. It was like Satan’s own sauna.

To make matters worse, after I finished up with H, I had to leave SLC and head south 45 minutes to see my T. By then, it was well into high afternoon, and the car went from Satan’s sauna to my own personal I want to Vomitorium. Seriously. Even Evil Himself would have had sweaty balls sitting in the scorching metal that is my car.

So naturally, this gives me road rage. And Breezy on road rage is a scary, scary thing. I start calling everybody whores and sluts and (my favorite) jack-holes. I go from a nice LDS girl to a gangsta from the ghetto.

You wanna mess with me, you stupid bleep? Uhhhh-uh. No you di-int. I’m muttering all sorts of these in the ‘hood phrases to myself, getting angrier by the second, too scared to actually say it to anybody aloud because they could very well beat my bony ass to the ground, should they choose. Seriously. Even a senior citizen on the road could knock me flat in less than ten seconds.
Weight gain, guys, I’m getting to it.

But don’t even get me started on the driving of senior citizens.

So, finally I arrive at my T’s office, muttering something like they’re sluts, all of them, put on some deodorant, wipe my sweaty brow, gather up the cheese variety pack my mom bought me from Costco, and stalk into the waiting room. Shutup about the cheese. The irony of an anorectic bringing six pounds of cheese into therapy is not lost on me. But I didn’t want it to stay in the car for the hour and get foul and smelly in the sauna with the sweat off Satan’s balls on it. You understand.

And then I drove home. And the maddening cycle began. Again.

Husband. I need an AC. I’m not even messin’. Don’t make me go black ruffian/gangsta on you.

Anagram of the day:
sweaty balls = beastly awls


Whit said...

I just about threw up at the thought of sweaty balls...Thanks so much for that visual!

KC Elaine said...

hehe, I needed the laugh

Emily said...

Ewwww... sweaty balls. Nasty!

Driving without AC in the summer is bad. Riding a bus in the hottest of summers without AC is (possibly) worse. It makes me crabby, especially when the bus is packed and I'm squished next to some sweaty, stinky dude. It's just gross. Thank goodness most of the bus drivers turn on the AC!

Yes. You need to get the fan replaced in your car quickly.

zubeldia said...

oh jeepers, what a nightmare!!! You didn't mention this in your email.. Poor brie and her cheese :)

Stay cool kiddo...

Love you,

Stacy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
schaars said...

Hey Brie so fun to hear from you. Your little boy is also darling and I think you are the best writer ever your blog posts are amazing! And you are inspiration for anyone who has ever had a eating problem. I have had Crohn's disease since I was 7 so I know what its like to have a life long issue. Good luck and keep in touch. oh and I hope you get your AC fixed!!!!!


Stacy said...

happy thoughts... you don't live in Phoenix with a broke down AC.
and the cheese... well you used to refer to your blogger self as "the cheese" maybe that's why you got 6 lbs of it. Maybe your little man would enjoy some mac and cheese or cheese and crackers. Kids like that stuff right?

I hope your AC recoversand you don't have to deal with Lucifers perspiring testicles stanking up your x-files love mobile.

I will be in Utah in a couple weeks. Is it really that hot there?

Jackie said...

I just have the funniest picture in my mind of you lugging in pounds and pounds of cheese to your therapy session. You made me laugh on a day when I especially needed a laugh :) On a serious note, I am sorry about your A/C! I can't think of anything worse! I would be swearing up a storm too. And I have road rage sooooo bad, the words that I yell cannot be described and I don't have heat as an excuse :)

Heather said...

I'm actually kinda jealous of the heat you have there.....not being able to get out of it really sucks big...but here, in Seattle, it's high of 54. I have yet to take out my "summer" or even "spring" clothes for that matter! I try, but then get way to freezing and have to put on the jeans I've been wearing over and over again for the past 10 months straight of cold, nasty, wet, weather. So, right now, I would LOVE to be in UT! And coming from me, that says a lot. Sorry about your A/C....maybe you just need that liquid stuff you pour in?

Abby said...

I never use my AC here in the land of Northern California... if I could email it to someone, I already would have sent it to Keely a couple of weeks ago; but I guess I could always take my mom's AC and send it to you. But this is an impossible idea anyway, so I'll stop pretending.

As for the cheese... you're clearly a braver and better person than I am--I would have let it melt in the car rather than having to explain why I brought it in! Well, I guess I've never been terribly bothered by wasting food, though... and apparently neither have you, which makes the situation even funnier!

b said...

Today on the freeway, there was a huge gridlock and I wasn't moving anywhere fast. Seriously, the road rage/debilitating heat was a million times worse. It's a good thing I had already written this before I left, because there would have been much more passive agressive anger mixed in with a slew of curse words. You're so lucky.

kristin said...

Pearl's AC died, too, a little while back during a heat wave. It was absolutely horrible! 85+ degrees heat and no AC! I hate the heat and I was dying!

Sweaty balls--hilarious! I love the SNL sketch about sweaty balls! Have you ever seen it? It's absolutely hilarious, too!

Courtney said...

I can totally relate- lack of A/C, or heat in the winter, is pure misery. Our Corolla (that won't die, no matter how much it's falling apart) has the most temperamental heating/cooling system. Pretty much it never works, until we take it to the repair shop and it works like a charm. My poor husband is usually the one to drive the beast and I feel so bad when he comes home from work so sweaty it looks like he just jumped in a pool!

One scorching hot day last summer I was also stuck in I-15 traffic, thankfully I was in my swimsuit so I just stripped down- but I think the neighboring vehicles thought I was a freakshow!

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

i like your jack-holes phrase, maybe i will use it. You can borrow mine, mine is "suck my balls."

Stacy said...

gotta love Utah traffic. no matter what there is always a torn up free way and a standstill. ugggh. I feel bad for you. I see a fan blowing cool with freeon in your future... I hope.

Tanya said...


I so feel you with the heat and crap. I am not looking forward to the warmer weather as it comes in. Luckily my car has an dad knows me better than to stick me with one that doesn't nowadays...but my first car didn't have one and I drove that boat in Texas humid I know how miserable it can get. Hell sometimes I had to take a change of clothes for when I reached my destination...particularly on Sundays. I hope you get your ac fixed soon. Hugs. And the cheese, well I would have done the same, that crap is too damn expensive to let it melt in the car...let alone have your car smell of cheese for the next week...bleck. Anyhow it was good to see you hugs.