Friday, June 20, 2008

It's My (pity) Party, & I'll Cry if I Want to...

Feeling sorry for yourself is fun, but only for a little while. Like, when you’re up in the middle of the night because you can’t quite stop indulging in your pity party, and you’ve already watched a million Degrassi re-runs, So You Think You Can Dance, and Law & Order SVU (which will, of course, give you nightmares) on your TiVo, and you’re sooo-ooooo tired, but in an effort make yourself even more miserable than you already were, if possible, you decide not to take your anti-depressant/anxiety/psychotic/stupid/suck-tastic meds, and your sleeping pill, so, it’s like 4:00 in the morning, and you're freaking tired,
but you made your bed, dammit, and now you’ll have to lie in it (is that the saying?) and be perfectly miserable the whole time, because
THAT. WAS. THE. PLAN.
And even your kitty lovers like hate you, the whole world hates you it seems, and Hairy is just out of arms reach, and is being a giant fluffalicious SNOT, and she won't sleep with you because even she wouldn't lie in the miserable bed or whatever you had just made.
Anyway. I think it was right around then I stopped having fun. Do I sound crazy? I think I’m going crazy.

15 comments:

jana bananas said...

Well I think if you're feeling crazy, it's from sleep deprivation. Sleep is very important, young lady! Like, very very. And not taking your regular meds wasn't a very good idea. :(

Watching Degrassi is always a good idea though. Sometimes it's just a little too much drama for your mama though. ;)

So tonight, sleep my friend. In fact, I highly recommend a nice nap after work. You deserve to be happy. If that's too much to ask or seems unrealistic, I will say, you do not deserve to feel bad. There, that is perfect. And it's what people have said to me this week and you know what? It actually kinda sunk in.

Mucho grande love,
Bananas

Tanya said...

Sleep is a necessary thing that we must indulge our bodies in...so I think it is the lack of that that made you seem crazy. In fact I am doing a little of that right now.

I also think a nap after work is well deserved...hell a nap during work may even be deserved.

Brie, you deserve the best...and only the best. But I understand the whole not wanting to cooperate with just one thing attitude. Hugs...

Emily said...

Do take your meds. They're important.

Yeah, feeling bad for yourself only feels good for so long. Then it just gets old...

Jackie said...

Brie, Brie, Brie you need to sleep my dear! Lack of sleep drives the best of us crazy. Do you still want to try and do lunch? I can't guarantee I will cheer you up but a pity party is always more fun with two people :) Hang in there and take your medicine!!!

xo Jackie

KC Elaine said...

you know, I have skipped my meds before when I have intentionally wanted to feel like shit...or when I convinced myself that they were making me fat. not sure if that's the case with you, but I always go to a mess when I skip them. love you. I miss your writing. I'm putting together something on inpatient treatment, hope I don't tread on the toes of your behind bars series (which is absoltuely fabulous, as always)

Keely said...

I agree that too much SVU will give you nightmares. :) But having stayed up many a night just because of not taking meds has finally taught me a lesson. Not getting enough sleep when you have things to do the next day sucks. Really bad.

Krista said...

We should midnight blogging parties for all of us night owls. At least we won't be alone while we're all up so late. Hope your feeling better!

Heather said...

Hey girly girl...what's up with hairy not wanting to cuddle????? I think he's the one who's got the issue! But hey, you totally know better than to not take your meds....but I understand the wanting to wallow in your own self-made "pity-party." I do that myself from time to time and I actually think it's healthy. It's okay to feel like crap right now and to feel like "fighting" what's expected of you.......and even what you need. We all have days like that. But, alas, the sun always rises again and we can start afresh....right? Well, SOME of the time. I'm still, unfortunately, a glass half-empty gal. And crazy? Hell yes! Any sleep-deprived person who hasn't taken her meds becomes a bit s-c-a-r-y! But I bet you gained back your sanity once you woke up this morning, yes?

Single said...

I remember the last time I had a night like that. I don't know why the heck I didn't just take the sleeping pill! I'm definitely taking one tonight!

kristin said...

Pity parties are fun, but, yeah, only for a little while.

I have those kind of nights with Boots, too. She won't sleep with me for some reason. And she'll never cuddle with me when I am crying or upset. It almost makes me feel worse, but she will always come crawling back to me later. But anyways..

Having a pity party in the middle of the night is never fun. What I do is I get up and move somewhere else in the house and try to fall asleep there. Sometimes just that change in location helps me to alleviate a bit of my pity party and fall asleep.

Feel better, Brie, and take care.

zubeldia said...

This doesn't sound like a pity party to me, my friend. You know what it sounds like? Someone who is struggling, someone who is frightened, who doesnt feel in control (of anything), it sounds like some who is very sad and desperate feeling, even. ((brie brie)), I, for one, am glad when I get to see other aspects of you, I'm glad when I see a messy and sad Brie because it's human and it's real and it's vulnerable, and of course I want to be with you as you lie awake, and say that you don't have to say things with your body anymore, that you can articulate your fear, and, in fact, everything that fuels your eating disorder. And it won't put me off, it won't be something that I don't want to see, that I would shy away from.

With all that said, I so much want you to be happy, love. And if I could take away some of the sadness I surely would.

I don't take meds - and haven't before, either, but I can understand why you would rebel and not take them. I can really understand it. I can understand why, as you gain weight, you would want to assert some control, harm yourself in other ways, too.

I want to assert the obvious and say that you deserve some joy, that there is no reason to harm yourself.

I'm here, my friend.

Love you.

Katherine said...

Hey Slut! I miss your face!!! Sorry I haven't read in a while--been out of town and away from my computer a lot lately. It breaks my heart that you're having a hard time right now; I truly wish I could take away your pain and suffering, but I do know that as much as it all sucks you will learn and grow stronger from it. blah blah blah, i know. I hope you got some sleep this weekend and things are coming back into perspective, but know that I love you and think of you often (even when you dont return my texts! ;-) but even more importantly than that, I KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THIS MY FRIEND. keep hanging in there

Emily said...

How are you doing, Brie?

Arielle said...

You're not crazy...or at least if you are there are lots of others out there like you who can relate. :)

Sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.

Sleep can cure a lot. Madness included.

Just wanted you to know I'm reading.:)

Much love,
Arielle

BrookeBW said...

I'm glad I have you sis. I know that feeling and I wish it would go away forever for the both of us. I'm always here for you if you in the depths of doom and depression. I believe it is one of the hardest things one person should ever have to go through. And if you haven't been there you'd never understand. I'ts dark.