I am loving the tube-free life, it's totally TUBULAR, (get it?) withstanding the nighttime hours, while it's snaked in my innards pumping me full of life-renewing supplement, of course. I can now actually eat food without taking miniscule bites that tease my appetite and make me choke on my tube. I just gobbled a tuna sandwich with foracious abundance, and let me tell you, it felt so good. Placing the tube at night is a...well, is a little tricky. Check out Dev's amazing blog post on the subject (she was at my house witnessing the whole horriffic experience last night). Particularly check out the comment Brandon left as well, because it's hilarious and reminds me all over again why I have a really neat husband.
But, you know, a few uncomf feelings regarding choking, snot, and near brain-pokage is absolutely worth it if people no longer stare at my face and wonder if cancer is killing me or something. Also, I developed an allergy to the tape that held it in place, and consequently developed a self-esteem ruining rash that looked suspiciously like acne all over my left cheek, and I hated it and it itched and made me feel ugly and gross. So now I can still try to recover or whatever, but also do it in the private of my own home, you know? And do it sans-rash, too.
I feel all weird and nervous inside regarding my last post. My first impulse was to delete it just as I posted it, but I tried to be strong and vulnerable (is that an oxymoron?) and show you all a little of the not-so-cool side of Brie Bee. Thanks for not being jerks about it. I'm debating posting some Serious Brie Moments every once in awhile, so we'll see. How's this for serious and sad and un-funny: I feel fat. I am fat. I am no longer special. If I can't be good at anorexia, what can I be good at? I don't want to be insignificant, mediocre. And now I'm just one of the masses. And now it's time to move on.
I'm going out of town this weekend, but I may still try to get an entry or two in. I'm going to get some hella needed R&R at an elite resort and just sun sun sun all weekend. I'll miss my man and my man-child, but really, not very much. ;) It's only for a weekend, after all. The weather in SLC is hideously wretched and moody. One day it's sunny, the next it's windy and back down in the 60's. And really, its bi-polar tendencies are kind of pissing me off.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
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14 comments:
Brie, I'm glad the new tube situation is making you happy. Have fun on your weekend away!
Oh, and I think that putting yourself out there and being vulnerable could possibly be the definition of strength. I think you rock.
I'm glad that you're enjoying your food again without having the tube bother you! That's awesome!
Brie, I think you're really strong and brave. Serious or funny, you're awesome and rock my socks! :)
Have a great weekend away! That sounds like a lot of fun!
I despise bipolar weather! But not my bipolar friends. I love them.
I'm glad the tube situation is working out for you!
And Brie, hon, you are. not. fat. I know you won't believe me (I never believe it about myself), but I thought I'd say it anyway. And I know you've heard it before, but the only good anorexic is a dead one. That's the nature of the disease. No one will ever be good enough for or at an ED, because it is the epitome of not-good-enoughness. But I have similar sentiments. I couldn't even be good at anorexia, so why not give it another go? Because LIFE is worth so much more!
Lots of love.
K
I despise bipolar weather! But not my bipolar friends. I love them.
K, that had me laughing out loud at work. I love my bi-polar peeps, too. :)
Ditto on crappy SLC weather. I swear my moods should not be so tied to the weather, but as we got in the car to go to the park this morning it started raining big fat drops and I was SO bummed about it. So have a great time on your vacation this weekend and don't do guilt, you totally deserve it . . . in fact I think I need to schedule myself a little break too. :) You've inspired me.
this bi polar weather is making me feel bi polar. RARRRRRRRRRr
I am so happy you found a compromise with the tube! Enjoy your weekend away, you deserve it more than anyone. You are an inspiration, as always Brie.
xoJackie
I'm so glad this new tube situation is working out for you!
First of all, you're not fat. Second of all, you're good at a lot of things, including writing. Thirdly, like kc elaine said, the only good anorexic is a dead one. I often feel like I am not "good enough" at my eating disorder, like I am an immense failure just because I didn't get skinny enough, never got tubed, was and am compliant with my treatment, and am now clinically overweight (thanks, binges, you suck). So I know how you feel about never feeling good enough at your ED.
I think you're very strong and brave. I encourage you to write more things that make you vulnerable... know that you are supported by all of us and none of us are going to diss your posts or make you feel like you regret posting something. Okay? Okay. :)
I adore bipolar friends :-) I also think that strength and vulnerability have an inextricable relationship, and your posting your vignettes below was manifest of your inner-Brie-warrior. You are so courageous, my friend.
I am phobic about skin rashes when they appear on my own skin, which is a bit of a pain since I have lupus and thus experience many a rash, but I'm glad, really glad, that the new tubeage situation is improving the quality of your life. You know, I suspect that unless you've been through this - the tubeage - you can't truly appreciate how difficult it is - and on so many levels, too. It just attests to your warrior-ness.
Love to you, sweet brie
Here's my 2 cents about the "I am no longer special.And now I'm just one of the masses." feelings: EVERYONE with an ED feels that way. How original is that? How special is that? It's just one of the hallmarks of being sick. Like every other eating disordered person. One of the masses of eating disordered people. There's real and true original Brie specialness that is ONLY a Brie thing, and not an eating disordered thing. Now that's something to be proud of. Something to work toward, guard and protect.
One of the most disillusioning moments for me was when I realized that I hadn't invented anything new or creative or special to me. The thing I thought was special was a freakin' diagnosis. Damn. Who wants that?
hey lover-
i'm so glad the tube sitch is getting better! hooray! so when i complained to nicoley about the whole "i'm fat and not special, and don't have an identity, and no one will want to be my friend" thing this was her response- it's a great one because it's so simple, and i'm passing it on to you: "people with anorexia are not thought of as elite or special in any way, people pity them and there's no reason to want attention from people who pity you." true story, huh?! i liked it! brie you don't need that kind of attention either. you don't need it, because you're fabulous on your own! :) okay that's enough for the cheesy-ness- call me later, let's go to dinner or something this weekend!
Z Hon, I had no idea you had Lupus. Obviously I'm not going to ask you about it on my blog, but I might through email. ;) Thinking of you...
Dev? Dev? Did you delete the comment you left? You did, you little bugger! In any case, I wanted to let you know that the text seemed very hopeful indeed...keep me updated on the penguin status.
Kathy K-ster...you are so very right, as always. Thank you for your advice and help.
Everyone else...thanks. I love you.
I haven't been around in a while to read your blog entries, but just wanted to say I agree with everyone else! I'm glad they let you only wear the tube at night. That's a good sign...they're trusting you and the process! They MUST see how hard you're working or else they probalby wouldn't have allowed you to do it. Brie, you need a break. Sheesh.....I need an elite resort to go to lickety split! It'll be so nice, relaxing, and nurturing. We all need to feel special....at the very, very, least....once a day (but I think you most definitely deserve it sevearl more times a day!). I got a massage last month and although it wasn't a resort place, it was still pampering, and something I desperately wanted. So, enjoy your away time and RELAX. Focus on all your strengths, and if you ever need help remembering what they are, I'd be happy to fill you in! You're taking care of yourself (not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too)....and that makes me so happy in my heart. Have fun. Let us know how it went!!
Take care,
Heather
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