Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Ed Transference, Hives, and Weight Gain

I think I’m transferring my eating disorder onto mi gata, Hairy. Well, sort of. See, she’s not picking up on my eating habits or whatnot; I’m sort of forcing them on her. Wait. I know this isn’t making sense, and I promise I’m not an evil cat mama! Let me elaborate:

See, Hairy is like, well, the fluffiest monstrosity I’ve ever had to deal with. I actually feel bad for her, because she has so much fur everywhere, half the time she can’t even see. And it’s getting hot. And she’s starting to shed. She leaves fur clumps everywhere, a pathetic little path that I can track right to her various snuggle spots in my house. So, I decided to do something about it. I took her outside with a comb and a pair of shears and got to work. I just started cutting all of that icky icky fur away. And it felt soooooooooo good. For me. And I hope for her. The poor thing can at least groom herself now without gagging on her profusion of furaliciousness. And the more fur I kept cutting, the thinner I felt. It was so nice to feel empty and skinny again – so satisfying! So then I got the comb and kept brushing and brushing and brushing and got so much fur out, and I couldn’t stop, it was making me feel better. How weird is this? But Hairy loves it, I swear. Last night she was preening around, all soft and sleek and thinner looking, now that I’ve collected nearly a grocery bag full of fur. So then I called Brandon to tell him how beautiful she looks, and it went something like this:

I just cut off some more of Hairy’s fur and brushed her tons, and she looks so pretty, and I saved all the fur so that you can see how much I got.

Oh. Geez. Please. Please, don’t. I don’t want to see this fur. I don’t care. Just throw it away.

No. I want to show it to you, it’s so amazing! You’ll love it as much as me, I promise.

Okay, you can show it to me, but just so you know, I’m probably going to make fun of you a little bit so that you don’t ever save her fur again and want to show it to me.

Okay, that’s cool. But I think I’ll take my chances.

My mom advised I stop. She said she didn’t want me to take all of Hairy’s self-esteem and dignity away, and I agree. But I still comb her several times a day to get all that fur off. And I won’t stop. You can’t make me.

So, I’m pretty sure that since I can’t make myself skinny anymore, I’m trying to make Hairy thin, only instead of limiting her food, I’m limiting her fur. But this is okay. Right?

What else? Oh, yesterday in therapy, my T gave me stress hives. Yup, it’s true. My leg started to itch, and I looked down, and there were those evil itchy red bumps everywhere. And, a few hours later, they were all over my arms and legs and elbows and neck et al. And I totally blame her. I’m fully aware that I may have just told you the nerdiest and/or most pathetic thing ever, (I mean, who gets stress hives?) but I couldn’t help it. Yesterday was such a good sesh, but also very difficult. So my body broke out to deal with the pain or humiliation or anxiety or whatever. It’s looking better, though. Some of the rash still refuses to vacate the premises, but most of it is gone.

Weight gain is definitely coming along. My mom told me yesterday that I looked beautiful, which I intuitively knew meant bigger. And I was right. My face doesn’t look so gaunt or whatever. Also, my coworker just told me that my stomach looks bigger. I kind of wanted to call her a dirty name, but refrained. I know it’s good, I know that weight gain equals life, but it’s still not easy to get those comments.
And now I want to go change my damn shirt.
SLUT. Her, not you.

16 comments:

KC Elaine said...

oh Brie, I needed a laugh. Making Hairy smaller via lack of hair is okay! I'm sure she's grateful. And I'm sure it's hard, sorry, weight gain sucks. :( But like you said, it's for life!

jana bananas said...

I find it odd, disturbing, and slightly rude that someone would comment on your stomach. Like, wtf? Who does that?

I'd kick 'em in the nuts.

lovelynight said...

My kitty loves to be brushed, too! It's amazing how much fur you can get off of her! She's not overly furry, but she sheds like crazy anyways.

Aren't kitties the best? :)

Devon said...

So I'm grievously sad that I didn't get to partake in the latest de-furring session. Since it will surely grow back - do invite me over next time, won't you?

What sort of crazies comment on stomaches. She is a dirty whore. Jana's right - you know RAD - make use of it! ;)

Brandon said...

Brie, if I go home tonight and find some secret stash of hair in a bag under the bed or something, I am going to set up a tent and sleep outside tonight. Oh, and all the boys in the world told me to tell you that you are sexy. Very sexy.

Shannon said...

Um, pretty sure I want to kill your co-worker for saying that. Or maybe just miam...?

Sure wish my puppy liked being brushed as much as your cat. She has matted fur all over and there is nothing I can do. Maybe I need the Brie touch?

brie said...

Oh Husband, how you make me laugh. You won't find a secret stash of kitty hair, because I already ate it.

Wait.

I took it too far, didn't I? ;)

Abby said...

You're my new hero, seriously, and let me tell you why--it's because you managed to write "et al." in a blog. That's classy.

As for the coworker... um, for real? I realize that people are ridiculous, but... huh? Is this person just making things up to try to upset you? Or does the person have the social IQ of a planarian? Or... what? People never cease to amaze me in a bad way.

Krystle said...

Hehehe. Kitty catharsis! This post made me smile. You are indeed a strong, brilliant, funny person!

Keep fighting, and keep up the positive self talk. It was always hard for me when people comment on my appearance, but as you so eloquently stated, healthier means alive, and you ought to be commended.

Take care, and keep smiling.

Always.

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

your stomach didn't look bigger, however, you did look beautiful :)
that is, when i saw you the other day. I think i you are glowing more. Which is what makes a woman beautiful.

heather said...

Holy shmolly...you just made me laugh so hard I almost cried. These past two days have been HORRIBLE and so thanks so much for the humor! Simon sheds like a mad man too..albeit, he's a dog, but I shaved him about a month ago and wow....he's a totally different pup! I could've made a fur bed out of all the fur that came off him! It was actually kinda gross. But I CAN see how it could be quite therapeutic though...shaving your cat....in an insanely weird sorta way! Whatever it takes, I say DO IT, and DO IT WELL...even if Hairy does go bald.

KC Elaine said...

ps tell that coworker who commented on your stomach to fuck-word off. I mean, who says that??

Emily said...

Your coworker who said your stomach's bigger was being incredibly rude. People comment on my stomach a lot (thinking I'm pregnant) and I want to punch them in the face.

Cat catharsis? Works for me. I don't see any harm in that! It's not like you're hurting Hairy or anything. And, by the way, she is a beautiful cat.

And you're beautiful, too. :)

emily said...

te he.

Savannah said...

I am so intrigued with this kitty fur you speak of. I want to see it. Just mail me a little sample.

P.S. I'd stick some of the kitty hair in the co-worker's coffee...yup I would.

Abby said...

Savannah, that's a genius idea!