Sunday, May 18, 2008

Another Invasive Tube Inquiry

Okay, wow. So, for those of you that read my previous post, you know that I’ve been getting some pretty up-front questions about my tubage – all sensitivity flies out the window, and is replaced with a whole lot 'o audacity. But today, folks, well it just takes. the. cake. Seriously. You need to hear this. So keep reading!

Today was the first Sunday since I’ve been tubaged that I’ve dared venture to church. I knew that people would be nothing but kind and compassionate, but they’d also be very inquisitive, and seeing as I’m more or less a pretty intensely private person, (at least where the prying eyes and ears of neighbors are concerned) I didn’t want to go to church because I knew it would raise a lot of questions that I’d rather avoid. But, well, after nearly a month, I thought it was time to go. I didn’t dare go to the two classes, but I did tackle Sacrament Meeting. As I was walking into church, feeling monstrous in my new black dress that’s a size or two too big to compensate for the weight gain that’s on a pilgrimage toward my toosh, I noticed several pair of eyes on me as we sat down, but I tried to ignore them as I fervently wished I had brought a Xanax.
But I survived.
And as soon as the meeting was over, before we could even leave our pew, an acquaintance sidled up to me and exchanged pleasantries with Brandon and me.

Mr. B and I had already come to the conclusion several months ago that we had some mutual ancestors. He found it fascinating, I did not.

So after we swapped the how are you I’m fines, he asked if he could stop by our place today and bring an “interesting book” he had come across about our mutual ancestor (who’s somewhat well-known in our church). I said “Sure…?” And we more or less forgot about it. But about thirty minutes after we got home, while Cade was playing in the backyard and I was fixing sandwiches and Bran was doing the dishes, Mr. B came over with the book.

It took all of about two minutes for me to bore of my oohs and aahs over the book that I had zero interest in to begin with. But, well, he kept making small talk. And I’m thinking, ask me about my tube already. Isn’t this why you’re stalling? Just ask! Let’s get this over with! And of course, he finally did. And then he told me he was a therapist. And you know what went through my head? Oh shit. Yes. A curse word. On a Sunday no less!

So this was why he was here! He was concerned for me. He wanted to therapize me.
And me no likey.
So at this point, I can’t lie and give him the whole I have Chrone’s Disease or a malabsorptive disorder or cancer or whatever I usually say. Because he already knew I had anorexia. In fact, I’m sure he’d known for a long time. So I concede that yes, I do have an eating disorder, but that I’m fine! And great! And thanks for asking! He then tells me he works at a trauma center for people who have mostly been raped or abused, which led to an uncomfortable silence, because what am I supposed to say? Wow, that’s great stuff like that happens to people, cuz I guess it keeps you in business? That wouldn’t have gone over well.

So he just talked and talked, he stayed for probably nearly an hour. Asking what kind of therapy I had done and gone through, he said he had a few patients who struggled with ED’s, so this was helpful for him. But helpful for me? Eh. And then he asks me about my past, yada yada yada, and poor me kept looking at Bran to defend my honor or whatever, but he dutifully continued to stare at the kitchen table and pick dead skin off his hands.

So yeah. Suuuuuuuper interesting afternoon.

He’s even going to make me an imagery CD or something to listen to. Thanks. I think?

So, in conclusion my people: I’m not upset at him, because really, he was just concerned and wanted to help me. But I am a bit nervous that he’ll spread some pretty scintillating gossip around the ‘hood, but then I think, isn’t there some sort of patient/doctor confidentiality? I mean, obviously I’m not his patient, but he still needs to live by that ethical code, right, when it comes to stuff like this?

So yeah. Weird. But at least I got a free therapy sesh today. Ha.


Penny said...

Tell all the would be therapy fixers that if there was one or two words that could actually fix this darn disease then someone would have discovered them by now and they would be a millionaire. ITs like if someone could invent a pill that caused a woman to go into labor on the day of her choice that person would be a billionaire. But for now I do it the old fashioned way, one therapist at a time and one day at a time where i get to become stronger and more committed despite all that are around me.

Emily said...

Sorry he got all in your business and such. That sucks. :(

KC Elaine said...

weird/invasive, etc. How annoying!

Lisa said...

Hey, thanks for introducing yourself on my blog! Sorry about your experience today...that is so awkward!!! It sounds like you handled it well though :)

heather said...

That sucks. That's one of the reasons I didn't go to church for like, several months straight, after I got out of you-know-where in TX, cuz I knew everyone in my ward knew and it freaked me out...the gossip and such. But with that aside, he actually had the balls to COME over to your house? It's one thing if it's someone you've invited, but man, I probably wouldn't have been as polite as've seen my bad, evil, wicked side when it comes to some people who won't mind their own business! I'm proud of you though for going to church despite the took a lot of courage, lots...and you survived! Yahoo!

Anonymous said...

You know, there are two things that would solve this kind of situation -- stay away from places like church where people exist only to judge you, and stop using the tube ... if you're "healthy" enough to want the tube (where you're not strapped down having a doctor force it), you should be "healthy" enough to eat.

racher said...

i'm not sure she was looking for you to solve it.

Jamie :) said...

I too am proud of you for going to church. I am sorry for the awkward geneology/therapy session. I admire your attitude toward it and just you in general.

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

I always walk into church feeling judged and analyzed.
I can't tell you how proud I was of you yesterday for not acting shy at the mall. I was surprised how little anyone seemed to stare.

brie said...

Anon, YOU may think I'm "healthy" enough to not have a tube, but my doctors don't. If I don't have it, they'll put me in the hospital and give it to me anyway. You made yourself look quite stupid. I wish you knew what you were talking about.

And, you may not have to agree with my spiritual/religious beliefs, but I'll ask you respect them. I certainly extend the same courtesy to others. I can tell, though, you're probably one of those ignorant people who refuse to admit when they're wrong, so I know it's probably hopeless to help you understand. But that's okay. I'm over it. I don't mind an argumentative comment every once in awhile. It keeps things interesting. Thanks for giving me a laugh tonight.

KC Elaine said...

Anonymous, it amazes me that people can make such judgmental comments when they know so little about a person. Church is a personal thing for everyone - you are being just as or even moreso judgmental as the people you claim are really the judgmental ones. Spirituality is different for everyone, and very personal.

Abby said...

I'll echo Racher... but now I'll move on to a lighter note.

Brie, you make me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh! I do not understand how one person manages to have so many adventures every single day! You have more adventures in a week than I have in... well, about my whole life. And you manage to make every one of them--no matter how miserable they were at the time--sound absolutely hilarious.

About confidentiality and other ethical principles--I can feel a rant coming but will contain it or at least try to. But here is my theory: Too many mental health professionals seem to have somehow developed the delusion that ethical guidelines are to be learned for licensing exams but are not under any circumstances to be used with clients. However, you aren't actually this guy's client! So perhaps you're safe.

Abby said...

Oh, I would have echoed you, too, Kyla, but your comment didn't appear until after I'd posted mine.

And I just now mentally processed the title of this post... as though the tube itself weren't invasive enough, eh?

Stacy said...

your Sunday sounds about as good as mine. BUT going to church was brave, cause even if there are gossips and people who judge, there are those that sometimes awkwardly, but truly care. PLUS you need all the help you can get right and I think if church is your thing that that is a good place to get some uplifting spiritual enlightenment (or something along those lines)
Go you. YOU rock as always.

Tanya said...

WOW...Brie I must admit that he had some gall coming over to your house. I honestly think he cared about you, but I also believe he wanted to get some insight on how to get his patients to fight as much as you are. I really admire you. You are an amazing woman. If any of them have any idea what you have gone through then I am sure that they see you really are a fighter...a survivor, and you will be a victor when it all comes down to it. Hugs.

zubeldia said...

Oh Brie, what a difficult situation with the T. I suspect his motives are good and wanted to reach out in someway, however inappropriate his manner. I think you handled it with grace, and I truly doubt he'll be spreading this around the 'hood. People will judge you everywhere, church or the mall, and we have no control over that.. I think this guy was simply wanting to help you - even if it was a bit douche-y.

Anonymous, truly, I am really amazed by your comment. Look, I am not a Christian, I am not religious, but I completely respect Brie's spiritual life, and to make blanket statements about the cognitions of the congregation speaks to a deep ignorance. And then your comment on tube feeding, Brie has a tremendous amount of weight she needs to gain before she is 'healthy'; eating that amount of food would likely cause a lot of distress both physically and psychologically. Brie is extremely brave doing this the way she is. And Brie IS eating, and she is doing brilliantly, but your snarky comments are really and truly unhelpful and mean-spirited. I'm going to try and give you the benefit of the doubt and imagine that your comments emerge from ignorance, but my fear is that your words were designed to cause pain to Brie. I suspect that you have little knowledge about eds, and I suspect that you cannot fathom the suffering that Brie endures. Think about what it means to starve yourself, anon. Think about what sort of suffering drives someone to deplete their bodies, to whittle them down, to cause so much physical damage... Imagine the suffering that leads to this, and imagine the suffering of the eating disorder itself. I hope that you are free of suffering, and I hope you never have to endure this. More than 1 in 10 people with anorexia die from the disease. Brie needs support and really, your comment is not in the least bit supportive.

Sending you some kindness, anon, as I think you could probably do with some.

To Brie... honey, you're being a superhero right now. You're doign what you have to do, and man, that's not easy. But this is worth it. This is really worth it. You deserve a life, sweety.
Love Z

heather said...

Brie...I admire your perseverance and dignity in handling these awkward, and sometimes, ignorant situations and comments. You should feel proud of yourself and how you've handled these things. You're a much "bigger" person than I (and no, I do not mean....bigger as in size...obviously)! You are doing what's right and with such grace. I'm learning a lot from you.

Emily said...

Brie, your Anonymous sounds an awful lot like the Anonymous that comments on my blog. She (I assume it's a she) commented again on my dietician goals entry and said some not very nice things. I am considering disabling anonymous comments. Ya know what, I think I will.

Shannon said...

Wow. That's so annoying/awkward. Go you for braving church. I'm not sure I would have had the courage. You're a stud!

Carlie Michelle said...

Brie- I'm not sure that you remember who I am but I use to be roommates with Whitney. I was being a myspace stalker and looking at all your fabulous modeling pics that you rock at by the way! and saw your address for you blog that I have now been reading for 3 hours. You are a very talented writer! And a very strong woman. Good for you for not being afraid to get out there and show the world your emotions. You are a beautiful, fabulous person! Thanks for letting be in your world for the last three hours. I had a plesant stay:)


p.s. Tell Whitters Hi, and that I love her so much!
p.s.2-- I kinda this "anonymous" is a jerk face!

brie said...

Carlie! Of course I remember you! It was good to hear from you, and I'm very happy I was able to aid in your wasting three hours of your life reading my blog. ;) I did indeed tell Whit hi for you; we were actually talking on the phone just as I pulled up your comment. I forwarded her a link to your blog - I hope you don't mind - she's excited to get on there and see what you've been up to. Thanks for commenting, keep reading, and expect me to be lurking around your blog, too. :)

brie said...

To all of you - (withstanding anon, of course)

You are amazing friends and I couldn't ask for better. Thank you, thank you for your patience and empathy and love and support.

And Z especially, thanks for coming to my rescue (again). You kick ass and take names...

Paige said...

Is it weird I'm a little jealous about the church therapist? I could have used some free therapy this weekend.

But seriously, I'm sorry that people think they can randomly have such personal conversations with you.