Friday, May 9, 2008

Cerebral Vomit

I usually try to make my posts cohesive. But this, well, this is going to be everywhere. So deal.

First of all, I would like to talk about how painful it is for me to get in cars as of late. Especially my father-in-law’s. I seem to have developed some sort of debilitating car-sickness, and it’s getting worse, not better. Thanks to Missa, I’ve found that wearing sunglasses helps, even if it’s already dark outside.
Also, positive self-talk helps. Example: Ooooooh, I love feeling sick. I love this nausea in my head and stomach that radiates down to the very tips of my toes. I love it, I need it, I want it, I asked for it. Oh baby, oh baby. (Try it. It helps. Mind over matter, you see.) And yes, I seem to even get car sick when I’m driving! So last night on my way home from rolling, (translation: bowling) I got sick. My in-law’s car possesses some sort of evil power (in the form of a seat protector spray) that brings bile (and Boost) to my throat with every jaunt in the vehicle. Last night, I rolled down the window of the front seat and stuck my entire head out, panting like a Pekingese. And it ruined me for the rest of the night. Even saltines and blue Gatorade couldn’t tame the tidal waves in my stomach. But, turns out I do have a stomach of steel, and I didn’t throw up. Think about how bad that would be with a tube. Are you all thinking this? Picturing it? Yeah, gross. I know.

I’m bored busy today at work. Piles of contracts, emails, spreadsheets, gross. And car-sickness. Why do I feel car sick?

Last night I was a bit high on sleepiness and benzoes. Our curtains were not on our windows, because we had just gotten new windows installed that day, and they still had work that needed to be done. Apparently I asked Brandon if there were any Thomas Peepers around. Peeping Toms, I meant. I think. Apparently I also had a problem pulling my pants up. But I don’t want to talk about it.

Also: My cats are getting fatter. I’m still in denial about Hairy. For the last time, she’s not fat, she’s fluffy! Working off cat fat is really hard. Bobbi and I did it a couple years ago. It took months to work off all the depression weight she put on when I left her to go to treatment. She put it all back on, though, when I birthed Small Man. What should I do?? I’m worried about future heart conditions.

Note to self: never eat salt-water taffy with tubification. Or Gushers.
Also, I think my body has embarked cheerfully on a quest to digest this sucka. I wonder how many calories a tube has?

I’ve also recently noticed as a tube-face that delivery people: mailmen, FedEx or UPS guys, pizza delivery guys…none of these people possess any sort of sensitivity when it comes to my tube. FedEx Man peered at my face inquisitively yesterday, then said: “Is that some sort of medical device taped to your face?” No, it’s a blue tooth, Genius. Go back to your deliveries now. SkyMail Dude walked in just as I was typing this, and he asked me if I had Crohn’s Disease. I said yes.
Btw: What’s Crohn’s Disease?

I feel like such a reject. But at the same time, everybody loves me with this tube. They all feel so bad for me and smile so big, like their cheesy grins are going to get me better. Also, pesky sales people stay away from me. Something ‘bout the tube, it scares them off. Now that’s a perk I love!

So, in conclusion, and just so you all have gotten this straight: I am a high, car-sick Pekingese who has fat cats, a tube, and have recently discovered that salt-water taffy and delivery men don’t mesh with my tubaliscousness. The end.

21 comments:

Emily said...

Ew. Carsickness. I thankfully have not been cursed with that affliction!

I'm bored at home. I kind of wish I was at work. At least there I have things to do.

KC Elaine said...

I know what to do! Send Bobbi to Center for Cats. also, Happy's not fat either, she's fluffy.

it's me, t said...

basically, crohn's disease is an illness where your bowels are inflammed and when eating certain foods you are in extreme pain and unable to digest. a lot of people experience weightloss and therefor since they can't obsorb the nutrience, they are tubed. it's ouchy ouchy.

your medical assistant,
tracy :D

it's me, t said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Cheese said...

Thing is, Ky, Happy really is only fluffy. At 7-8 lbs, that's not fat. Hairy's, like, 13 lbs, maybe more. I dunno. I can't think about it! I just worry about their health. But I don't over-feed them, I wonder if it's because they never get much exercise since they're indoor kitties that live in a small apartment. Hmmm.

The Cheese said...

Yeah, thanks T! Had I known it was some nasty colon issue, I never would've enthusiastically told him I had it! I hear it can make you poop in a bag or something? Wow. And ouch.

Penny said...

Hey, I'm glad you're baack!!But with a title like "Cerebral Vomit" Thats hard to take. Only loyal readers will cheerfully digest and breathe in, quite happily I might add, your blogoxygen. Thanks for making my day.
Luv ya,
M

Penny said...

Hey, I'm glad you're baack!!But with a title like "Cerebral Vomit" Thats hard to take. Only loyal readers will cheerfully digest and breathe in, quite happily I might add, your blogoxygen. Thanks for making my day.
Luv ya,
M

Penny said...

Hey, I'm glad you're baack!!But with a title like "Cerebral Vomit" Thats hard to take. Only loyal readers will cheerfully digest and breathe in, quite happily I might add, your blogoxygen. Thanks for making my day.
Luv ya,
M

jana bananas said...

Crohn's disease would not be fun. I knew of a dude that had to have parts of his innards removed due to the damage it had done. And while a tube might suck ass, I imagine a poop bag would be so much worse!

So I'm having an issue with my cat as well, as you know. She got down to 5.9 lbs. so I want her to eat more, but she doesn't like her prescription food that is good for her kidneys (which are diseased). So do I also give her regular food that isn't good for her kidneys so she'll be a healthier weight and therefore stronger, or do I only give her the Rx food and have her dislike her food and not eat much? Le sigh. I love this cat to death and I really don't know what the best thing to do is. The regular food seems to make her puke more too, but at least she's eat. Maybe she needs a tube. ;)

The next person that inquires about your tube -- tell them it's the new kind of facial piercing that is coming into style. Instead of a chain from nose to ear, it's a tube. Dude, you could start a trend.

Oh, and I don't think puking with the tube would be pleasant. Yeah, I can't even imagine the suckness that would cause. So, no puking allowed!

Emily said...

Wow, 13 pounds... that really is a lot for a cat. They have special food you can put them on to help manage their weight... have you tried that yet? It's called O.M. by Hill's (the company that makes Science Diet) and is prescription only. I think Science Diet makes a non-prescriton weigh management food too.

The Cheese said...

You think 13 is a lot? That's just Hairy. Bobbi weighs 26 lbs, exactly double that! I've tried the Iam's diet food, but she puked it up all the time, and I swear it was giving her a complex. We ended up working it off on regular food...I would just exercise a helluva lot with her everyday. I seriously can't even hold her with one arm.

Krista said...

I just took Jax to the doctor for an ear infection. He is back on the charts at 10% weighing in at almost 24 lbs! So your cat officially weighs more than my son. Ha ha! I also laughed really hard about Thomas Peepers because Jaxon calls his penis a peeper. Your post really cheered up my day.

heather said...

Thanks for making me laugh today. Work sucked and I'm so sick I'm practically living on the toilet....sorry for being so graphic. You're cats are cute fat. My housemate's cat is gigantic also, but she also has a really skinny (almost anorexic-looking) cat and I much prefer her fat cat! They're just so much more cuddly and fun, ya know? Skinny cat is just, well, uncomfortable.

Emily said...

My parents had a cat who was 24 pounds, but it was all muscle. He was a big boy, that's for sure.

Abby said...

I thought I already left you a comment on this, but now I can't figure out where it went... alas.

Anyway, this is what I wanted to say: I love the word "blogxygen"; it makes me laugh! But... is it possible to say it aloud, or is it for reading purposes only? And if it is indeed pronounceable, could you offer me a pronunciation guide and maybe some speech therapy? (I can't say "sixth," either... I guess something about an X jammed up against certain other consonants is just too much for me.)

The Cheese said...

Abbs, in my head, I pronounce it like blogs-a-gin. Like oxygen, minus the ox, + the blog. I like it too. :)

BryGuy said...

I have a problem pulling my pants up sometimes too, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I love the "no it's blue tooth" that might be the funniest thing I've heard of this year.

Abby said...

Oh, thank you; I guess I don't need speech therapy after all. I was thinking that somehow I was supposed to clearly pronounce both the G and the X, which would make for an "ogks" sort of sound, and that was too much for my feeble mind to comprehend.

Also, confession--even though I read all about the delivery men and Thomas Peepers and whatnot earlier, I actually came back and read it all again. And it was even funnier the second time. I already need treatment for blog addiction, and what's really sick is that I don't even have a blog. Yet. Wow--this could get bad.

Emily said...

Happy early mother's day Brie!

Brookie said...

I get carsick constantly. It definitely helps to wear sunglasses. Missa was right on that one. It also helps to be the driver. If Brandon can handle the fact that the woman is driving, definitely do that! You're doing awesome. Keep going.