I wrote this vignette several months ago, and I think only mi amiga over at Spilled Coffee (who is an editing god) and my mom have read this. A couple posts back, I know that many were gently reminding me that it's okay to not hide behind humor all the time, and trust me, this piece is completely void of anything that will make you chuckle. This is autobiographical, but it was about six years ago - thankfully this is nothing I've done recently. Mom, if you read this, I'm sorry to make you cry over this piece (again). Here it is:
Untitled
I wake, but I do not open my eyes. Where am I? I wonder, but the desire to know is not strong enough to make me move. I breathe in the musty smell of carpet, millimeters from my nose. I feel the chilly middle-of-the-night air blanketing my frail body. I shiver.
I open an eye. A candle, the flame stuttering in the slow measure of my breath, inches from my face.
Oh yes. I remember now. I roll over, look at the clock. 4:27. My body yearns for my bed, rising goliath in the dark above me. But my mind knows that it is a luxury it cannot afford. My spindly, shaking fingers reach for the weak candle, and I inspect my body. Protruding hip bones, ribs. Wasted thighs, taut stomach. Fat. Everywhere. Unacceptable.
I lie on my back and begin. One, two, three, four… Sit up, touch my knees, and back down. Sit up, touch my knees, and back down. You are fat, you are fat, you are fat… I begin to chant my mantra, the whisper nearly as imperceptible as my withered body.
I grit my teeth. I will not fall asleep this time. You are weak, you pig. You deserve nothing. I will exercise all night. I will exercise off my fat, and my fears, and my inadequacy. You are fat, you are fat, you are fat…
You are unacceptable.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
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15 comments:
You know I think this is beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. Thank you for sharing your serious, hurt, vulnerable side.
Thanks for sharing this side of you. This post made me remember what I used to be like, running for miles on an empty stomach every day, almost passing out whenever I'd stop to catch my breath, my frail body throbbing with soreness from even just walking up the stairs. I am so glad I am not in that place now. And I'm glad you're not in that place, either. The piece was beautifully written, and the pain in it shines through. Thank you for being vulnerable. I love you.
I mourn the sadness and emptiness you lived through (it is all to familiar to me). Your writing is impecable, it has so much emotion.
Your progress is now even more amazing to me. Thank you. I know it took a lot for you to share it.
I think those words were beautiful, but what they were saying was so sad. I'm glad that you're no longer in that place. You've come a long way. Thank you for sharing that piece.
Oh Brie, brave girl for sharing this, and how much I want to just come and sit with you on that floor, hold you tight, and to tell you, over and over again that you are okay as you are. You are now, and you were then.
I doubt that some of the feelings which engendered this have gone away completely, and I hope that you know that I, and many others, are here with you, thinking about you and loving you and wanting so much for these feelings and thoughts to leave for good..
love love love to you, sweet Brie.
Sorry I had some tpo's so I reposted this.
I am so glad you chose to share something more serious with us. We all love you so much and hurt when you hurt. This reminds me exactly of myself a few years ago- same feelings, same situation. For me, and probably many other of your readers, I feel like I'm not in the crazy manic eating disorder state, but at the same time I know I am still holding onto parts it. I ask myself why over and over again, but never come up with a good answer. Why do we put ourselves through this? I guess let's all be grateful for the progress we have made and commit to make some other small change. Hopefully we will ALL overcome one step at a time.
Sorry that sounded kind of lame!
Wow. This was hard to read. Thank you for being willing to share this. It is difficult, haunting but beautiful.
Love you, Brie.
And let me just restate what I am completely confident was true then and is true now and will be true in the future:
You are acceptable.
I agree so incredibly strongly with all that has been said, and Abby said it so great....YOU ARE ACCEPTABLE. I want to thank you for sharing and just wanna hug you right now. You are amazing. The pain that you have endured is unspeakable from any other, none have experienced what you yourself have, we are all individual, but we can all relate. You sharing the pain, joy, happiness you go through reminds me of my own experiences. Thank you again for sharing this, and please remember that you mean the world to so many, you are irreplaceable and for me, there would be a void without your presence. Thank you again
I don't know if you remember but you shared this with me a couple months ago, very brave of you to share it with the world.
Its beautifully written Brie...
Thank you so much for sharing that. EDs suck :-(
Brie,
Thanks for sharing this piece. I know it takes a lot to show something so personal to people. Thank you...its sad, but we can all relate. Its striking how much we can all relate. The ED truly does just take over. You are acceptable, and you are beautiful both inside and out. You are also a wonderful mother, daughter, wife, friend and the list goes on...Hugs.
Hey all,
Thanks for your replies. This was actually really tough for me to put out there for everyone to see. It makes me feel quite vulnerable. I was really inclined to delete it after I posted it, but thought it might be good for me to be vulnerable and open for once. I appreciate that I was so kindly and gently recieved. You are all so great, and I can't thank you enough for your support. You're all kick-ass Brie Cheerleaders. ;)
I'll always be your cheerleader!
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