A Bum Pizza, and a Lie

Last night Brandon woke me up from my requisite nap and asked what I wanted for dinner. I responded with a grunt, which he intuitively understood to mean pizza. So he goes off to Little Caesar’s, while I snuggle deeper into the covers, with no intention of ever waking up. But well, I eventually do, because I was hungry, and the smell of that ooey gooey cheese and grease was deeeeeee-lish. So I opened up the box, and, and – what the hell?! Okay. So you know how pizzas are usually a uniform, more or less perfect circle that is then cut into pie-like, triangular (this is starting to sound like I’m a Geometry teacher, and it’s frightening me) pieces? Well, it all looked uniform, but there was this one random slice that you could tell had been stuffed in there. It was like the last piece of a puzzle that didn’t fit, but you keep trying desperately to make it work. And my first thought was, who tried to cram that imposter slice in there? And my second thought was, why? So then I lost my appetite. Even Cade would have nothing to do with the bum pizza. He threw his slice on the floor, leaving a nice saucy stain on the carpet that looks like blood. Pizza last night: bad decision.

So, I’m at work today, and there’s a doctor that works here. He still practices part-time, and then does administrative stuff on the side. So, we’ve never said even like one word to each other. He has really great posture and walks with his palms forward, so I always shy away. Something just isn’t right about it, you know? But today, we pass in the hall and I smile, he nods, blah blah blah. But then he turned around, asked me if he could ask me a question, and this is how the conversation proceeded:

“Hi. I’m Dr G. You don’t have to answer this, but I was wondering why you have a feeding tube.”

“Oh, yeah. Umm…I just have a hard time gaining weight, so my doctors thought this was a good idea to help jumpstart the process.”

“Oh, okay. I have an 18 year-old patient coming in this afternoon who has anorexia.” He gives me a conspiratorial grin. “And frankly, I’m not sure what to do with her. I think I need to give her a feeding tube.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Wow. Anorexia. I know someone who struggles with that, and it’s so sad. Such a devastating disease.”

“Yeah, it’s just like the most frustrating thing ever to deal with. She’s so sick, but it’s all within her power to get better. She just has to choose it. It’s very difficult from a doctor’s perspective.”

“Oh yeah. I can imagine that would be tough to deal with. My doctors are glad that I’m doing this willingly. Wow! Anorexia, huh? Well, I guess things could be worse for me, huh?” I give a little laugh.

“Yes, they definitely could be. Just don’t ever go thinking you’re fat, okay? Because you’re very thin. I bet people mistake you for having anorexia all the time. Do they?”

“Um.”

“Anyway, thanks for chatting with me, I’m just trying to solve this little puzzle I’ve got.”

“No problem. Good luck!”

I am such a good liar.