New House

Hello, March!  Hello, kittens!

Meant to update yesterday but then I got too distracted by all this house business.  I am so, so, SO excited to tell you guys that we got approved by our lender, and we have decided to build a house!  Because Brandon got a job farther south, we are also moving about 35 minutes south from where we are now, though for privacy reasons, I won't be saying exactly where we'll be living.  But we are muchos excited.  I have been poring over floor plans and looking at rock and stucco and roofing and crap I've never thought of before.  Do I want carpet or hardwood flooring?  Crown molding or wainscot?  I don't know!  I've never had to decide before, but now that I do, I LOVE IT.  :)

Tomorrow we are meeting with our realtor and builder to secure our lot and sign and get this process going.  As soon as that is a done deal, I have some awesome photos to show you of the home and what the inside will look like.  You gonna be jels, it's sooooo pretty!  ;D

So I'm kind of on a high right now.  Yeah for moving!

A Little Bit of Everything

Man, been one of those days where I don't feel so great but I can't exactly pinpoint why.  My back is still really hurting me, which is a huge stress.  It's been over a week now and I still need muscle relaxants, or else I can hardly walk and move and bend over and be NORMAL.  Even on them I act like a cripple.  I am nervous that I've done something seriously wrong to my back, and I'm nervous this is going to end up being a bigger deal than it should be.  So frustrated.

Mila loves her new exer-saucer!

I got a massage last night, and saying that it was painful is like the grossest understatement I could ever come up with.  If it would have been just "painful," it would have been a walk in the friggin park.  There's pain, and then there's PAIN.  And I asked for it.  When I called and asked for an appointment, I asked for the masseuse that had the repuation for pushing the deepest.  (That's what she said.)  So yeah, it hurt.  But my back does feel a little better today, not much, but a little, so I'll take it.  I'm still a little stymied that I actually PAID for that much pain.  I'm weird.

Brandon and I are more leaning towards building a house now, rather than buying one.  We are hoping to hear back from our lender by today or tomorrow, so we can't do much until then, but we've been talking to builders and looking at floor plans and lots, and we're getting pretty excited.  More news on that when I actually have something concrete to say!

My dietary appointment today got cancelled because my D's babysitter was sick or somethin.  I'm cool with that - truthfully I was NOT looking forward to going, but who am I kidding, it's not as if that surprises you by now or anything.  You know how you can turn a frown upside down?  Well I wish that you could do that with...what's the opposite of motivation?  Ambivalence?  Laziness?  Turn my lazy bum upside down?  Man I am strugglin right now.

Okay, time for me to go waste some brain cells on Dance Moms.  And...the premiere of ANTM is on tonight.  Woo hoo!

Bye, precious baby kittens.

Low Self-Esteem is Complicated

I've been watching a lot of My Cat From Hell lately.  I can't get enough of this stuff.  Jackson Galaxy, (ten bucks that name is REAL) who is a cat behaviorist, says that cats who hiss have low self-esteem, because they're not confident enough of themselves and their surroundings, so when they get nervous, they lash out and hiss to protect themselves but to also comfort themselves and make them seem cooler.  Or something.

Anyway, I was telling all this to my mom today, and I was telling her that I'm worried because I think Hairy has low self-esteem, because she hisses at everybody (but me) even when she has no reason to, and Mom, this stuff is SERIOUS and I want Hairy to love herself and how should I boost her confidence and what do you think about that?

And my mom said,
"Your cat does not have low self-esteem.  She's just stupid.  And hey, you're not going to post this on your blog, are you?"
Me:  "Actually, yeah, I was going to.  Why?"
Mom: "Because then people will think you're weird."

Hmmm.
Thanks for the chat, Mom!  ;D

Miss 7 Months

Man, posts from me the past few weeks have been sparse.  I apologize for that - between sick kids, getting sick myself, and hurting my back, I have not had much time or desire to blog.  However, today is Mila's 7 month birthday, so I decided that warranted bringing me out of blogging hibernation to post a bit about what is happening with her.

Mila is doing great.  She is still my super smiley and super happy baby.  Still no teeth on the horizon, and she still isn't showing any signs of sitting up by herself or even rolling from back to tummy yet.  BUT I'm not yet going to worry, as I still think she's within a normal curve of development.  Mila loves to eat, and her favorite things to eat are sweet potatoes, a strawberry and banana combo, and apples.  She's still quite small - at 7 months, she very easily fits into her 3-6 mos clothes, and in some cases, even her 0-3 mos clothes.  But as long as she is eating and thriving, I'm not too worried about that, either.

Poor baby is sick right now.  She's lethargic and her eyes are all red and puffy and she's got a fever.  I'm hoping it's a quick bug, and that soon she'll be feeling better.  Other than that, not much new is happening in Mila's little world.  I still just love her!  I can't believe it's already been 7 months - it's insane.  Sometimes I just want to squeeze her and tell her to stop growing...I wish I could stop time, because soon she won't be my little baby anymore.  Sigh.

Sorry this post was a little lackluster.  Truthfully I am hurting quite a bit and think I need to lay down.  Tomorrow I will try to post more enthusiastically!

Family Changes

It's 3 AM and I can't sleep because my back is killin me, so I decided to blog, in the hopes that it would distract me from the pain and misery whine whine whine.

I just have to take a minute to brag about my husband, because while I of course affectionately refer to him on my blog quite often, I don't know that I ever really stop to talk about how truly amazing he is.

Brandon is my rock, he is my life.  When I am stuck in some depression or going through an endless cycle of frenetic anxious energy, Brandon can calm me down and make me laugh, and suddenly, when I'm around him, I feel okay.  I know that the feelings I'm experiencing will pass, and I know that with him, everything will be okay.

Brandon is an incredibly hard worker.  He goes to school full-time in addition to working full-time, all so that I can be a stay at home mama.  He NEVER complains about how busy he is; how many responsibilities that he has.  He dutifully goes to work and does his homework, even when all day he is stuck at his computer trying to get it all done.  And, somehow in the midst of all that, he has time to play with the kids.  Mila literally LIGHTS UP the minute he walks through the door.  Cade runs to him and throws his arms around him.  Brandon is their life.  They literally adore him.

And I'm so happy that my kids have a hands-on daddy who wants so desperately to play an intricate role in their life, and he does.  My kids know with out a doubt how much they are loved - especially  by their dad.  They know that Dad will always love them and play with them and help them.  I love that I have such a supportive husband and father of my children.  I am beyond blessed for this.

For the past couple of months, Brandon has been looking for a new job, as his current job just wasn't working out; and he really felt like he should see if he could find a better job; something that fulfilled him more and appreciated him more and compensated him more.  He has been going to many interviews, and of course that is always so stressful.  A couple of weeks ago he saw a listing for a job as a Senior QA Engineer at a software company that is located in Lehi, Utah.  He wasn't sure if he should apply, as Lehi is about 40 minutes away from where we live, and also he wasn't sure he was entirely qualified for the position, but we both agreed he had nothing to lose, and why not try?

So he did.  He applied, interviewed 3 times, and on Wendesday we got the fabulous news that Brandon got the job!  We are so thrilled because not only is it a pay raise, it's a 75% pay raise.  I'm no good at math, but even I know that that is an insane raise!  And I am truly thanking God, because I believe He had a hand in helping us get this job.  Every night we prayed for Brandon being able to get this job, and to hear Cade's prayer every night...it was so sweet.  Without fail, this is what he said:  "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Daddy get a job so we can get a house and a dog, and please help Mommy be happy.  Name of Jesus Christ, amen."
Tears are coming to my eyes, just thinking of this.
The faith of my little 5 year old astounds me.  I love that he is gaining a little testimony of prayer.  And while I don't often talk about my religion and my spirituality on my blog, I will say today, right now, that Cade's faithful prayers to God made my faith grow a little, too.

Because now we can move into our own house.  We are going to be house hunting here very shortly.  And while it scares me that we may have to move farther south in Utah, and I won't be as close to my sisters and parents, I know that this is where we're meant to be right now.  Big changes are happening for my family, but they are good.  And I'm excited, even though I'm also a teensy bit scared, too.

So that's the good news I referred to in my last post.  With Brandon getting this new job, we get a new house and a new dog and I'm excited to start over, too.  :)

So I'm grateful for my husband who works so hard, I'm grateful for Mila for making me so happy, and I'm grateful for my sweet little son who is so innocent and has so much faith.  I'm a lucky girl to have such an amazing little family, aren't I?

Stuck on the Ground

Well, yesterday absolutely didn't go as planned.  All was well and hunky dory, until about noon, when I was just getting ready to leave and take Cade to school.  I was bending down to lay Mila on the couch, and then WHAMMO, out of nowhere, I didn't something wrong to my back.  And it wasn't the kind of pain that's like, "hmm, oh, that kind of hurts," it was "HOLY FREAKIN CRAP HELP HELP HELP SOMETHING'S WRONG I WANT TO DIE WHAT IS HAPPENING HOLY BALL SACK HELP HELP HELP."  It was obvious I had threw out my back, doing almost nothing.  I was frozen in place, standing and hunched over, while my back was having terrible spasms and I was literally screaming.  I finally made it to lying on the ground, but it took me about another 5 minutes just to get there.  I had Cade get me my phone, and I called my mom and told her she'd better get here quick, because I couldn't move and something was really wrong with my back.  By this time I was screaming and tears were pouring from my eyes.  Poor Cade was crying because he knew something was really wrong.  He kept trying to pull me up, but I was trying to explain to him that I just couldn't move.  Mila was crying too, and I had to keep calming Cade down and instructing him to put the binky in her mouth.

So, my mom finally gets there, only when she was trying to help me get up to get me to the bed, I just kept screaming, it hurt way too bad.  So we decided that I had to stay on the floor until the muscle spasms stopped.  My mom got me a pillow and a heating blanket, and oh don't worry, I was only on the floor for THREE hours.  I eventually made it to my bed, but it was so incredibly painful and a really slow process, and I was just bawling the whole way - walking was that painful for me.

Eventually I figured out this wasn't just a passing thing, so Brandon took me to the ER.  I had to wait for 2 hours, and I was crying in the waiting room almost the entire time because I was in so much pain (still) and I didn't know how much longer I could go.  Once I finally saw a doctor, they have me a (blissfully wonderful) shot of Morphine in my butt, gave me prescriptions for painkillers and muscle relaxants, and told me that at least for the next week, I had to take it easy and not do any heavy lifting.

So here I am, in bed, getting kindasorta high on painkillers.  When I am on the muscle relaxant and painkillers, at least I can walk (very) slowly, but that's all I can do.  I can't bend over or lift things or put on shoes or get dressed or anything like that.  I've always heard that throwing out your back is painful, but I had NO IDEA how really and truly painful and terrible it is.  I'm seriously a complete invalid.

I better bounce because the percocet is starting to kick in and I don't want to say anything embarrassing, which I undoubtedly will.  Send good back vibes my way for a speedy recovery.  Also, I have some really awesome news to share, but it has to wait until tomorrow.  :D  Let's just say I'm really excited.

Intuitive Eating for Me

Yesterday I kind of thought I was dead.  I was THAT sick.  I was so sick that I didn't send Cade to school, because the idea of mustering up enough energy to get him dressed and driven to school made me want to weep.  So instead, I slept.  A lot.  Like 16 hours a lot. 

Today I feel better.  Not all better, but better, and I'll take it, as yesterday it felt like the entire universe was taking a giant dump on me.  Today I still feel sick but not like I would like to promptly puke and then die.  Baby steps.

So, the dietary thing.  I think I've pinpointed my problem with dietary coinciding with my whole distaste for the idea of intuitive eating.  I think it's a great "idea," but that's just it - it seems like only an idea to me - an elusive, ethereal "idea" - and not something that can actually be put into practice and work for me.  I also have a bad taste in my mouth about intuitive eating because of some crap from the last treatment center I was at.  So I told all this to my dietician, and we decided that I'm going to try one last time to do this intuitive eating thing, and I'm going to try to figure out what intuitive eating means for me, and not what it means for my last treatment center, or even for my therapist and dietician now, or even what some of my peers who are in recovery think intuitive eating is.  I want to figure it out for myself.  And I committed to my dietician that I would do it.  So, today I went and bought the book.  I had to buy a 2nd copy because my first copy may have been mysteriously vandalized, defaced, and thrown away...
Ahem.
I'm going to re-read the book with the idea that I'm going to give it a second chance, and hopefully understand it more with this new place in recovery I find myself in.  I'm also going to highlight every part that I disagree with, and bring it in to my dietician so that we can talk about it and figure it out and work through it.

So, for now, I am still going to go to dietary every week.  It may be because of this whole new looking at intuitive eating with Brand New Recovered Eyes, but it may also be because my therapist is demanding it.  More or less.
Ahem.  Man, my throat must have a frog in it... ;)

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I'm going to spend time with friends and the fam, so that should be rad.  Maybe I'll even brush Hairy's lustrous coat, if I'm lucky.  And maybe if I'm even luckier, I'll feel 100% better.  High hopes, I know, but a girl can dream...

Ciao, my precious kittens.