Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Halfway there, Beeyotches

 I'm in my 20th week, which means this pregnancy suckage is halfway over.  I always worry that people are going to get offended when I talk about how awful I am at being pregnant, because they may think I'm whiny or ungrateful, but I am none of these things.  I am simply human.  I have lost a baby late in pregnancy, yet even with my subsequent pregnancies, I still struggle a lot with all the side effects that every woman has to deal with when prego - the weight gain, the worry I'm going to lose the little chum, the peeing every 10 seconds, the growing pains, etc etc.  So just as a general disclaimer: even when I complain, I still love my baby and am excited for him to get here!

Halfway through the pregnancy, things with the little guy I think are going well.  I'll know more tomorrow, when I go in for my big mid-pregnancy ultrasound, but as of my last ultrasound, everything looked well - his heart and vital organs appeared to be intact and whole, and he was growing great, etc. So I am SO happy he is doing well.  Puts my fears at ease a bit.

I am so not doing this pregnancy thing well, though.  I am EXTREMELY conflicted about all the weight I've gained.  I know I shouldn't worry about it, but that's like telling snow not to melt in Hell.  I have gained A LOT of weight so far.  Granted, when I started this preg I was underweight, so this is what was supposed to happen, it doesn't make it any easier.  I HATE the way I look.  I don't mind the baby bump so much, but I would be perfectly content if the giant boobs and thighs would go away.

My lungs are actually a little better - but don't get your hopes up and think that means that they're fantastic, because that's definitely not the case either - but, thankfully, they remain in a state that sucks, but doesn't suck badly enough for some big deal medical intervention.  I hope this trend continues for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I WILL NOT go back on the steroids, so if they get bad enough, I'll be hospitalized over going on those hellish pills again.  I refuse to be put back in the awful mindset that the steroids put me in.  I seriously wanted to die.  Thought VERY bad things.

I'm glad I have treatment throughout this pregnancy.  It's been extremely helpful to have my T to guide me through all of this.  She rocks and is really supportive.

We've chosen a name for the little guy - though I think for now, I'll keep it to myself.  My top choice for a name we ended up deciding not to use, because even though it's not super popular now, I am hearing it more and more, and I'm afraid that in a few years,  every other kid on the block will share his name.  So, we went with a different choice that I seriously love more and more each day.  It's pretty original; I've never met anyone with the name before, but it's also not so weird and out there that people will laugh at his name or make fun of him.  So, for now, on the blog, I'll just refer to him as "Baby R," or "My Little Man Chicken."  :)

Wow, this update ended up being much longer than anticipated!  I'll end with a delightful picture Brandon took last night of me and my Mila chicken.  She fell asleep in my arms, and I seriously never wanted to lay her in her crib...I just wanted to snuggle that sweet little thing all night.  I love sleeping babies.

Okay, I'm out.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Don't much get to do that anymore!


Colleen said...

omgggg, "Baby R" makes me think you've steered away from Derek Morgan for a name?
Your bump is adorable, but I can understand the weight gainage suckage - but you know it's for the man child's health :)

KC said...

"I know I shouldn't worry about it, but that's like telling snow not to melt in Hell." -- very true and perfectly stated! It seems you are doing beautifully even though it's not easy. The struggle is still real and important to talk about.

KC said...

PS i am cheering for you :)