So I Will

Hi ya'll.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.  I had a great time with my sister and her family; they let us crash their dinner this year and it was small and cozy and really nice.  Now I'm completely prepping for Christmas; we've strung lights up on the house and I have completely outdone myself and put up TWO trees in the house - one for the living room, and one for the family room.  I feel kind of silly, but it's been fun.  :)  I am nowhere NEAR done with Cmas shopping so feel a bit overwhelmed with all that, but I am looking forward to all the holiday parties coming up.  So much fun to reunite with family and friends.

Just wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's been going on and how I'm doing:

Since going back to treatment 3ish weeks ago, things have been kind of crazy and up and down physically and emotionally.  I have been at a re-feeding risk so for awhile I was constantly getting my labs drawn, and my poor little arms were all sore.  I also had an endoscopy done and they found a wicked bad stomach infection goin on, which help explains all the terrible nausea and tummy pain I've had over the last few months...who knew it wasn't all just anxiety, like I was blaming it on?  So I've been trying to get that under control and also dealing with some really really bad acid reflux.  This is all so delightful, right?  Gah.  So, medically, I've kind of felt crappy over the last few weeks, also with lots of migraines thrown in there for good measure.

But, over the last 5 or so days, I've begun to feel much better.  I've nailed down a time that I take my two tummy meds for them to work at their optimum, and that is helping.  I sleep sitting up to help with the reflux.  Stuff like that - just experimenting and adjusting to help me feel better.

Weight gain wise I am on the right track - have gained some weight, but also have a long way to go.  I think the initial weight gain process has been a little slow because of the re-feeding risk and the tummy issues.  But I'm gettin there, and what's MORE important - I WANT to get there.

I have lots of little morsels I could share with you all, but the most pressing thing I wanted to share was this:
The reason I think my eating disorder recovery will stick this time is because, this time around, with this relapse, it is the first time I have ever felt remorse for what I've done - for engaging in my eating disorder and hurting my body and my husband and kids and those who love me and care about me.  Before, I never took responsibility for it - it was all like, "Poor me, I'm just a product of some crappy things that have happened in my life and therefore I have an eating disorder and I really can't help it blah blah."  And now, I'm more like, "Yeah, life has been hard at times, but I chose to go down this path and I chose my eating disorder, and I need to take responsibility for that and I need to fix it."

I actually feel bad about what I've done to myself.  And I really want to fix it.

So I will.

And also, congratulations to my twin brother Brett and my sweet sis-in-law Angela on welcoming their new daughter, Gwendolyn June Brown, to the family.  She is an absolute doll and I am completely in love with her.  Little Gwen already has a little chunk of my heart.  :) 

(I WOULD HAVE POSTED A PICTURE OF GWENNY PIE BUT STUPID GOOGLE IS TELLING ME I'M OUT OF STORAGE SPACE AND NOW HAVE TO PAY MONEY EVERY MONTH TO PUT PICTURES ON MY BLOG.  I AM MAD.  HENCE THE ALL CAPS.  I WILL EVENTUALLY GIVE INTO THIS DEMAND BUT I NEED THE ANGER TO SETTLE.)  Rah!!!!

My Mess

Why hello everyone.

So few posts from me, I know.  I think I'm just going to stop apologizing about it...I mean, one day, I could very well go back to blogging daily, but for now...just ain't going to happen.  Let's be real.

Just wanted to stop in really quickly to say that I have gone back to treatment.  For the couple months that I didn't have a treatment team, I kinda let things get out of hand.

So, on November 12th, on the 3 year anniversary of losing my baby, I was wondering how I could honor her.  What could I do to remember her and honor her?  And then I decided that the best thing I could do to honor her would be to outline a treatment plan to start to get better.  Kendall  would want that for me.  She would want me to be happy and healthy.

So that's what I did.

It was tricky...financially, and with our sucky insurance...and some providers who specialize in ED's wouldn't see me, because they said I needed to be inpatient.  But I have an excellent provider who is working with me outpatient and I am getting this back under control.

I am scared and I am sad and I am flabbergasted I let it get this bad again.  I am mostly embarrassed of my body and want to hide it.  I am lonely.

But, for the first time, I actually feel remorse for what I am doing to my body, and I think now, that's why this is finally going to click and I'm going to recover.  Before, when I relapsed, my mindset was "Poor me, life sucks and I've been dealt a crappy hand in life, and I'm angry at God and everybody else and life is just so hard I can't do this so I have to keep my ED blah blah."  But now I'm more like, "Life does suck sometimes, and it IS hard, but I'm the one that made this choice to backslide.  I did this.  I need to take responsiblity for it and fix it.  This is no one's fault but mine - not God's, not my parents, not my husband's...nobody is at fault here but me.  So just grit your teeth and DO IT."

And so, I am.

I am working to gain weight but am currently dealing with some re-feeding issues.  I am following my treatment team's recommendations, and while things have gone a little slow because of re-feeding/medical issues, pretty soon I hope that will clear up and I'll start gaining faster.

So, this is me taking accountability.  I got myself into a mess.  But I'm getting myself out of it.

Much ado About Nothing

Well, Halloween was kind of anti-climactic, as is my entire life.

Sigh.

Mila got sick with some respiratory flu, which of course I caught, because having the flu three times in a two month period just wasn't enough. My immune system is clearly a winner.

So, Brandon took Cade trick or treating while Mila and I stayed home and handed out candy. I'm kind of glad it worked out that way though, because I had fun meeting some of our new neighbors and kids that came to our house for candy. I didn't have the energy to dress up, but if I had, the neighbors would have been scandalized with a skin-tight Avatar costume that is a full-on UNITARD. Pry best I keep that puppy packed away! Maybe next year. ;)

Photo - A flower, a Captain America, and a Brandon on Halloween.  :)

Mila is still Miss Grumpy Pants, so I fear there is an ear infection a'brewin, but what can ya do? Aside from even that, I am worried about my little chickie. She is not gaining weight, and has dropped from the measly 5th percentile in weight to practically off the charts. I am taking her to see her pediatrician on Tuesday, but I have a feeling a high fat and calorie diet are going to be in order. I KNOW she is not gaining weight because she doesn't have any teeth to eat enough to meet her nutritional demands! Her little body is trying to grow so fast and needs all this energy, but she just can't take in enough food with no chompers. :( That's the main reason I haven't weaned her off her bottle yet...if I did, she'd be getting even way less cals than she is now. At least now, with her Vitamin D milk, she gets calories. Freaking teeth just come in! I need to stop worrying about my baby now. :(

Photo - nursing a sick baby and a sick mama...

I am kind of obsessed with Instagram. I'm basically favoring it over Facebook at this point...especially with all the political posts. From both parties - just stop! I myself am a Mitt lady, but I will support Prez Obama and hope that he leads our country out of this crisis. I don't judge others for their political views and affiliations. I just hate all the political drama on Facebook now. At least I don't have to deal with all this for four more years!! Phew.

November is a hard month for me. Coming up next week is the 3rd anniversary of losing my Kendall. At least in April, when I celebrate her would-have-been-birthday, I can think about her life, and what might have been. But in November...on her death day...there is nothing but sadness and terrible memories and pain and loneliness. I am dreading this day. But, I will get through it, as I always do. It's always more painful than I remember it is going to be.

Photo - my GRAND PURRRFECT BEAUTIFUL LADIES.  I take far more pictures of them than I dare post.. ;)

How do I survive during the summer without primetime television? I am a television whore, and I am proud of it! I don't discriminate - intense dramas, comedies, smutty reality tv, come to me, come to me, and I will watch you! My faves are pry "Criminal Minds" (though I fiercely miss Paget Brewster) and I also love "Modern Family" but omg "Homeland" and "Dexter" top the charts. Oh, "ANTM!" And "Biggest Loser" is coming back in January and JILLIAN WILL BE BACK ON THE SHOW. See, my life can suck, but I have things to look forward to!!! :)

I've kind of not really updated you all much on ED stuff, and I think I'll keep it that way, for now. Just know that I am simultaneously plugging along but also struggling. Does that make sense? I'll get through it, but it still sucks and is hard.

Photo - Mila killin' me today with her outfit.  She is taking after her mama and loving the long cardi, but...those teal skinny jeans...she looks so cute!

Okay, time to do something, like you know, clean my house or some other frivolity. My damn cats lay in my bath tub and get it all furry! It drives me insane! I'm throwing a baby shower for my dear sis-in-law Ang tonight, so I have lots of guests coming over tonight, and I doubt they want to smell the litter box or see this morning's syrup stuck to the counter. Off to clean I go!

The Bloodiest Update Ever

Heya.

Here's a little update on what's been happening for us this month:

I'm doing much better, generally.  In good spirits and kind of just plugging my way along.  I quit my job, because it was a 45 minute drive away once we moved, and it just wasn't worth it - the gas $$ was too expensive - and while I miss the girls I worked with, I'm actually really glad to just be at home, chillin with my kids.  No more having to drive to SLC during rush hour - yucko to the max.  I think one of the reasons I don't blog much anymore is because I really and truly don't have much to say anymore.  When I used to blog daily, I had a job, and I had treatment, and I just had all this...stuff...to talk about and relate to you all with.  But now, no treatment, no job.  I have my kids and my family and they are the center of my world, but outside that, I honestly don't do much else.  I mean, do you really want to hear every day about how I did the dishes and watched a couple episodes of "Criminal Minds?"  I don't go anywhere anymore, usually.  I take Cade to school and pick him up, and occasionally an errand or two will be thrown in there, but for the most part, I just stay home.  Because I have so much extra time, I am reading a TON of books.  If you want any recommendations, let me know!  (Or see the GoodReads sidebar on my blog.)

Anyway, I am kind of turning a bit into a recluse.  I don't know if that's good or bad - just the way it is right now.  I am sllloooowwwwwllllly making a few friends and connections in my new neighborhood and ward, but stuff like that takes time, especially with an introvert like me - it's hard to inject myself into someone's life and become their friend.  I do feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not often.  I have my kids and I have my husband and kitties and I have my books and I am mostly just fine.

My eyes suck.  On top of Keratoconus it is likely that I also have Glaucoma.  Major eye surgeries on my horizon, I am just waiting until we have better insurance coverage to deal with all this crap.  Kind of putting it off because it scares me and when I don't deal with it I can pretend it isn't a big deal

.
Brandon is good - happier than I've ever seen him.  And, great news - he just got a new job.  I know, right, ANOTHER new job?  But this one was different; it kind of just fell into his lap, and he wasn't even really looking for a new job!  It is still in Lehi, but at a different software company, but this time he'll be managing an entire department, so I'm super proud of him.  It is a pay raise, which is awesome, but what's even better - a change in insurance!  The current insurance we have is MUCHO EXPENSIVO and also MUCHO SUCKY.  They fight us on EVERYTHING and never want to pay anything.  This new insurance we'll be getting with the new job is one we've had before - it is excellent coverage, and in our experience, they were great about paying for things and not putting up a fit about it.  So, I'm waiting for the change in insurance to deal with my eyes, because ultimately it'll be much cheaper for me to do so.  Anyway, I am proud of my babe.  He is a hard worker and a good man and on top of that he's super handsome and NOT a serial killer!  How did I get so lucky??

Cade is doing great in Kindergarten this year and thriving.  He seems so much more relaxed and happy about going to school than he did last year.  He seems to be keeping up with the work just fine and actually enjoys going to school.  This is a huge relief for me.  Next step: getting him to dare to ride the bus.  This is super scary for him, but I'm hoping that we can work our way up to that.

Mila is 15 months and one hell of a kid.  I love her so much and I can't believe how sweet and silly she is.  She has one tooth (finally!) but it has only just barely popped through her gums, and hasn't come in all the way yet.  Her gums are swollen, so I think the others will be coming in soon, but so far, she is still (mostly) toothless.  I find this baffling.  I can't believe a 15 monther can go so long with out teeth.  I'm half convinced that's why she's so skinny - because she can't eat as much as she wants, with no freakin teeth!  I bet when they come in she'll gain 5 pounds, and I will be one happy mama and delight in her chunky thighs!!  :)

Wanna hear a gross story?  It actually happened today, and is kind of blog-worthy, just because it's so insane and nastified:

So, Cade and Mila and I are in the car today, driving to Brandon's work to meet him for lunch.  When we were about a mile from his work, Cade yelled from the backseat that he had a bloody nose.  I barely glanced to look in my rearview mirror; I mean I was driving, but also, how much harm can a little bloody nose be, anyway, right?  So I reach into the glove compartment and hand him a couple napkins, and I tell him to hold them tight to his nose and keep driving.  About a minute later, Cade starts screaming.  I look back and there is blood everywhere...all on his hands and face and dripping down him and the napkins I gave him are completely soaked through.  So I swerve to the side of the road and pull over, grab some more napkins, and jump in the backseat with Cade.  I look at his nose, and blood is POURING out of it.  Like, GUSHING.  I have never ever in my entire life witnessed a bloody nose like this.  It was freaking me out, but I was trying to stay calm so that I didn't freak Cade out even more - he was already hysterical, but I was frantically mopping up blood while trying to keep him calm.  I had blood all over me.  It was insane.  I finally thought the blood flow was slowing a little bit, so I got back in my car and got to Brandon's work as fast as I could.  When we got close, Cade started screaming again and there was blood everywhere again.  I called Brandon, told him to get out here, and then got back in the backseat and tried to help him.  Blood was coming out of his mouth and his teeth were completely red and he was choking on the blood.  It sounds insane, but I was honestly worried about blood loss - that is how much blood was coming out.  Huge 3 and 4 inch clots we coming out of his nose and mouth and I started to really panic.  Brandon came running out and saw what was happening, then ran back into the building into the bathroom and grabbed an entire roll of toilet paper, then came running back out.  He got into the backseat, while I simultaneously started to drive to an instacare and also called the triage nurse at our pediatrician's office.  She told us that it was probably nothing to worry about (WHAT???!!!) and that he needed to get all the clots out.  So Brandon is in the backseat holding a bag over his nose while blood gushes out of him, and he's choking on blood and spitting it out, and finally he just puked blood everywhere, and all these clots he had swallowed came out.  And Brandon was pulling huge clots from his nose.  But after the pukage and all the clots seemed to come out, the bleeding stopped almost immediately.  Meanwhile, we're parked at the instacare, covered in blood, and we're like, WTF just happened??  The instacare was nice enough to let us use their bathroom to clean up; poor Cade was covered in blood.  But now he seems fine.  I made him drink a Boost and am making him drink lots of fluid and am having him keep eating to make sure he doesn't get low blood sugar etc.  The nurse said 9 times out of 10 something like this is okay and normal, and not to worry...but...seriously?  I've never seen anything like that in my life.  I've had plenty of bloody noses in my life, and I have never puked up blood and clots and literally been choking on my own blood because it was gushing out so fast.  I mean, right?  Geez.

Just glad he is okay, I guess.  We'll keep an eye on it.  If it happens again, I'll take him to the doc immediately.

Okay, gross story over with!

Hope everyone has a great and safe Halloween.  We are taking the kids trick-or-treating, then heading to a friend's house in SLC for a little par-tay.  Should be fun!!

Be well, friends.  And please, don't get a bloody nose.  :)

So Much to Say Today

Hello friends!

I know I have sucked up the Blogosphere lately.  Honestly, since we've moved, things have just been insane for me.  Who gets diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease, has a miscarriage, loses their treatment team, has their best friend move to a different state, AND has a kid who still refuses to grow teeth, all in like the space of FIVE weeks?  I mean seriously!

So, this post is going to be long.  And I'm putting a few random pictures here and there in here that I've taken over the last day or two.

Photo - Cade and Mila had so much fun at Airborne the other day.  And they love each other so much - makes me Mama heart happy.

So, I'm not going to lie.  Things have been rough.  The depression and anxiety has kind of been kicking my butt, but I am really proud to say that I am getting through it.  I wake up every morning and feed myself and the kids before carting Cade off to school.  Then Mila follows me around the house while I do laundry and make the beds and do the dishes and clean.  Then I usually try to have a little down time and watch some TV, or read a book; just something to help me relax and chill a little bit.  After lunch when Mila naps, I will admit that I have kind of been napping a lot too.  And I'm not sure if that's good or bad - to sleep like, every day, but that's more or less been the norm for awhile.  I think sleep is a way that I use to escape the sad/crappy stuff in my life.  But over the last week or so, I have been using the time that Mila naps to read or spend some extra time with Cade or even just have some de-stress time loving on my kitties.  That, I think, is a little bit better than just sleeping my anxiety away.  I think?

But, things really are starting to get better, and I want you all to know that.  I feel happy now when I wake up, instead of dreading the day and waking up to a perma headache the size of Detroit that is brought on by depression and fatigue.  I smile more.  I love on my kids more, because having this miscarriage really reminded me how blessed I am to have them, and how incredibly precious they are.

Photo - Enjoying a beautiful fall afternoon with my little sidekick. 

One thing that has been good AND bad for me since moving into the new house is that I'm cooking more.  I HATE to cook.  I LOATHE it.  I ABHOR it.  Are there any more ways to say how much I cannot stand cooking?  For some reason, eating food that I've cooked vs. food that someone else has cooked for me is so much harder.  It tastes off to me.  It tastes gross.  I get grossed out.  Brandon reminds me almost nightly as I'm gagging down the food I've prepared that I am definitely my harshest critic, and that the food I made tastes fine.  But...it doesn't to me.  Has anyone else ever experienced this?  Is this an ED thing I'm not aware of?  I mean, I've usually heard the opposite when it comes to people with ED's - that they LOVE cooking.  But it gives me all sorts of shivers and eebie jeebies.  I know it is good that I am cooking and learning and doing this, but I am NOT enjoying it.  Though, I am enjoying baking!  Krista, I make at least one pan of those peanut butter bars every week!  That recipe you gave me is amazing.  :)

I'm honestly not sure what direction I want to go with my blog.  There is a part of me that wants to blog more often, but there is also a part of me that is much more reserved and cautious about my privacy and the privacy of my family.  I never wrote about this on my blog, but I was exploited and hurt badly by a "friend" and it got really messy and freaky.  Hence the whole going private thing.  But since that has happened...I have learned first-hand that there are mean and downright HATEFUL people out there that only want to hurt you and embarrass you and air your deepest secrets that you trusted them with out like dirty laundry for the entire FREAKING WORLD to read.  And so now...I'm scared.  To put it very simply.  Quite scared.

Photo - my new glasses!  They are quite trendy right now, which basically means they're cute now, but in 15 years I'll look back at this picture and shriek in horror.  I still stare at pictures of my mom in her glasses back when I was like five, and I'm like, MOM WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??  I can feel this is going to happen!  But nonetheless, I am happy to have them.  I can see a bit better in them - about 20/40 in one eye, and 20/50 in the other.  Not great, but they'll work until I see the eye specialist and get on the list for corneal transplants.

But I miss all of you, and I miss the support from you.  I have pulled back from blogs and facebook and emails and everything.  I used to spend probably, oh, I don't know, an average of maybe two hours a day at my computer.  Now, maybe I average 2 hours a MONTH.  I'm not joking.  In some ways I think it is good to pull away from this and focus more on strengthening my little fam, but I also know that it can be a bit isolating, and I have felt the brunt of that too.  Not sure what to do about all this.

My BFF Whit moved to Arizona a couple months ago, and I miss her terribly, too.  We still talk on the phone all the time, but it's not the same.  I miss so much that we used to be able to just drive in the car and not say anything at all, and not have it be awkward in the slightest, because we were just comfortable enough with each other that we didn't need to fill every silence up with meaningless words.  I love that we could watch episode after episode of SVU together and each eat an entire giant bag of popcorn while urging Benson and Stabler to catch those damn rapists.  ;)  I miss our shopping expeditions, where she'd always have to talk me down from my impulsive purchases.  I miss you, Whit.  I love you.

Photo - just a pic of my outfit today.  I scored the blue cardigan at a thrift store for $4 yesterday!  I felt a stormy outfit was appropriate for a stormy day today...

Okay, I think I'll end the saga for now.  I feel glad I wrote this.  A little bit better.  :)  Thanks for reading this and loving me and supporting me.  You guys are so awesome.

50%

I've been pregnant four times, and have only had two children.  So, having a miscarriage/stillbirth rate of 50% is really high.

And that's been on my mind a lot lately - the fear that I'm going to continue to miscarry, to continue to lose children.

 But you know what really sucks about that?  When I'm so focused on what I've lost, I forget to focus on what I HAVE - two insanely beautiful, healthy children.

I love Cade and Mila with everything I have.  They are my world.  And, God willing, I'll have another, but if not...
then...
I have them.  And in the end, that will be enough.

So, I have to publicly acknowledge how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  They bring me more joy than I really ever though I'd have.  In the throes of my my eating disorder, years ago, nothing made me happy.  Now I can smile and laugh out loud and really mean it, because they are my world. They bring that joy and meaning to my life that I didn't ever think I'd find.

And, yes, I've lost two kids...but I have two kids...
and they are so amazing.
They make life beautiful.

So, I"ll take my 50%.  And hope that percentage can swing a little more in my favor, in time.  But if not?

It's ok.
I have my 50%.

Lots of Loss

Hi, all.  I've been away.  Been a very long month full of lots of changes and ups and downs and losses and just figuring out how to cope.  I know that I only posted once in September, and that's like a record all time low for me.  How you all must have been in Cute Mila Picture Withdrawal!  Sorry I cannot appease your appetite today; I'm kinda busy and stressed and not much in a picture posting mode.  But I will try to get some pictures of the kids up soon.

Lots of Loss this month.  Lost my treatment team.  More on that later, but it was my choice, and I feel okay about it, and I think ultimately it'll be good.  But it's been an adjustment.

Lost a baby.  Wasn't very far along, but miscarriage is tough.  There's no getting around it.

Also just found out that I have a degenerative eye disorder called Keratoconus.  When I found this out I just cried and cried.  It is a disease that can never be corrected with glasses, contacts, or lasik surgery.  At some point I will need surgery, most likely corneal transplants.  Even with glasses or contacts, I will never be able to see better than 20/40 or 20/50, which barely makes me legal to drive.  And, it's degenerative, so it'll most likely get worse.  To think that my vision is always going to be severely blurred, even with glasses or contacts, for the rest of my life...devastates me.  Maybe it sounds stupid or petty, but it scares me and makes me awfully sad. And, the fact it could get worse...that scares me too.  Most never have to worry about losing their vision, and while I won't go blind, if I get to a point where I can't even see well enough to legally drive, well, that's pretty bad.  Even now, when wearing glasses or contacts, I squint.  I just can't see.  And to find out this news, well, it was devastating.  But I am going to make an appointment at the state's most prestigious eye center with a well-known doc who specializes in this, and hopefully get on the list for a corneal transplant.  They caught the disease quite late; I've had a lot of trouble for a long time but just didn't know why I couldn't see; I assumed the optometrist who last did an eye exam just didn't give me the right prescription.  He wasn't very competent and didn't catch this, which frustrates me.  I could have found this out a lot earlier had people known where and how to look for it.  It's not very common, which I think is why people thought I had extreme astigmatism and not Keratoconus.

So, that's been my month.  Lots of loss.

But I'm not as sad as you would think.  I am okay.  Please know that I am okay.

Mila Growing Up

I caught this one minute video of Mila walking and talking (she says Ma Ma and Da Da) and even waving goodbye.  It is adorable, and in it she wants to show all of you how grown up she is!  Crazy.  Love my baby.

The Official House Pic

I know, I know, I've been in the house three weeksies and I haven't posted any pics.  I'm surprised you haven't been hounding me, honestly.  ;)

I don't have any interior photos to post, because while all the curtains are up, and the furniture is in, our walls are woefully bare, and I want to post pics of each room as they become completely finished.  If this takes 5 gajillion years, well, then, maybe you'll have to wait!  Wall art is expensive and we have so many other expenses right now that are taking priority over that.  Kind of sad, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

So, at least, dear friends, I give you pictures of the exterior of the home.  Obviously we have no yard yet, but maybe dirt is the new grass?   What do you think of the color palette I ended up going with?  It's pretty bold and daring...but hey...isn't that me?!  :)

Overall I LOVE the way it turned out.  I am happy and proud to call this my home.  :)

Finding a Routine

Thanks for all the kindness and concern for me lately, guys.  I am doing better.  Much better, actually, and I'll leave it at that for now.

The following pictures are all of my cats in various poses of weirdness in my bathroom.  They are OBSESSED with my bathroom, especially Hairy.  If I ever am wondering where they are, well, I go into my bathroom, and there they are, lounging in the sink or by the sink or on the counter.  It's rather odd. 

And for some reason it makes me laugh like crazy, only I'm not laughing at times like today when I'm actually cleaning my bathroom and am mopping up a ridiculous amount of cat hair.  Geezy.

Anyway.

Things at the new house are finally starting to settle in, and we are getting into a routine.  We wake the kids up at about 8, get Cade ready for school, feed the kids breakfast, then it's off to work for Brandon and I'm off to take Cade to school.  And then while he's there, I clean the house and (hopefully blog) and also watch Criminal Minds if I can squeeze time for an episode in.  :)  And then I plan dinner, worry about the yucky, pre-cooked creepy meat I'm going to have to touch, do it anyway, and then...pick Cade up from school.  :)  And then we run some errands and chill at the house the rest of the day until Daddy comes home from work.

I think the above photo was my favorite.  It was pitch black int he bathroom, and Hairy was just pondering the loveliness of the sink.  Brandon saw her, looked at her, then said, "That's where we're going to put her when we stuff her."  Heh.

Thrown in there on some days are Cade going to his karate classes that he just started, (he goes 4 times a week and it is ADORABLE) driving 40 minutes back to SLC to hang out with friends or sisters or go to work or doc appointments, and, well, I'm staying pretty busy!

I'm also trying my hand a bit at baking, which I've never EVER done before.  So far I can check chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter bars off the list.  Pretty simple, right?  Next, this afternoon I'm tackling banana bread, which I'm nervous for, because I've never EVEN EVER attempted it.  Oh well, we'll see if I have a baker in me...

Anyway.  What I'm trying to say is that in general, right now, things are good.  I am feeling more settled and more at "home" in my new home.  I am starting to get a bit happier.  I am settling well into my role as a mama and housewife that cleans and cooks like crazy, which I never did before, unfortunately.  So, I feel good.  :)

I'm going to try to set aside time every morning to blog, so I am hoping that more regular, "Brie-like" posts will be coming back soon, that are filled with humor and randomosity.  I think regular blogging will help me feel better too; more like myself.

Love ya'll.

Mila's One Year Stats

Mila went to the doctor today for her 12 month well-child checkup.

She came in at 35th percentile for height, about the same for head size, and is still at a WHOPPING 5th percentile for weight.  At one year old, she weighs 17 pounds.

She's just tiny.  How I made a tiny child, I have no idea, but the doc reassured me several times to not worry, as she is following her own growth curve, so I'm going to just give up and keep stuffing her full of food.

The doc thought it was quite interesting that she didn't have any teeth yet, but told me not to worry quite yet.  When she comes in for her next checkup, if she still doesn't have any teeth, then we'll have to go to a pediatric dentist to make sure she actually HAS them, as apprently some kids are, like, BORN WITHOUT TEETH.  If my child has to gum her way through this life, I will FREAK OUT.

So please, please, send teeth sprouting vibes her way!

I'm not worried...not really...not yet, but c'mon Mila, make some teeth!  I know you are busy growing and walking and learning to talk, but teeth are kind of important, so get on it!

Miss 12 and 13 Months!

I realized I never blogged about Mila's first birthday and 12 month milestones - I was so crazy busy with the house closing and moving; I feel so bad that I forgot!  Well, not really forgot - just had so many other things to do.  :(

Mila turned 13 months today, and she is getting so big and beautiful and hilarious.  A few things about her:

Mila is walking!  I can't believe how fast she did it - she started practicing her walk right at around a year, and by her 13th month she is walking about 90% of the time and loves it.  She still looks like a drunk robot when she walks, and has a wide stance and walks with her arms out, for balance, but she is getting so much better at actually staying upright.  She is walking FAST too, and I wonder where she needs to get in such a hurry!  She is a sweet little busybody.

Mila still has no teeth.  It's funny, because she's still really small for her age, (I'll have 12 month stats in two days when she goes for her checkup) and she has no teeth, so people always assume she's about 6 months or so.  When I correct people and tell them she's actually one, and is walking, nobody can believe it!  I think teeth will be coming in soon, but really, nothing on the horizon yet.  It's sad though because she loves to eat, and I know once her teeth come in she'll love it even more, as now she still has to really sit and gum it around.

Mila is completely off baby food, and eats real human food all the time.  Her favorites are toast with butter, scrambled eggs, cheese, and grapes.  She'll pretty much eat anything we put in front of her though, which is nice to not have a picky child.

Mila is completely sleeping through the night.  We've been at the new house for almost 3 weeks, and in that time, never once have Brandon or I had to go into her bedroom in the middle of the night to give her a bottle - it is SO NICE.  She goes to sleep around 8, and wakes up at 8, with a 2-3 hour nap thrown in the afternoon.  She is sleeping so much better than Cade did at this age, which is fantastic.  I love my sleep and getting enough makes me a much more patient mama during the day!

Mila can say and understand the words "ba ba," "ma ma," and "da da."  She has also once said "kitty" and I'll often point to pictures of Jesus, and now she'll say the very end of his name, "sus."  Kind of sounds like "zussss."  :)  Very cute though.  :)

Mila LOVES her big brother, which is a huge understatement.  She follows him around every where and always wants to be doing what he is doing.  She lights up when he walks in the room and I love how much they love each other. 

Mila still has the bluest eyes in the world and dimples to die for.  She is a petite little thing, but she is strong and healthy.  I love her so much and am so happy she is mine.  Love you little 13 monther!!

Turmoil

I have thought and thought about writing a blog post, but I haven't known exactly what to say, and what to keep quiet, and how to deal with all of this.

So instead, I've just withdrawn into my little Brie shell.

My life is in complete and utter turmoil right now.  This past week I have vacillated between being a sobbing mess to being a robot in a haze that doesn't register or feel anything.

And I haven't even known if I've wanted to blog about it, because truthfully I am not yet ready to share details.  I don't know if I'll ever feel ready.  I don't even know what to say, and if I even wanted to say it, how would I begin?

So instead I sit here, feeling miserable and sad and lost, and not knowing how to cope or what to do.

I am functioning okay.  I am waking up in the morning and feeding the kids and cleaning my house and cooking dinner like a good mother should.  I am loving being in the new house, but that is about the only good thing I've got going for me right now.  I honestly think I am in shock about how the past few days have turned out.  One week ago, I didn't see any of this on the horizon, and it's like...how can FOUR days completely change your life? 

It baffles me.  And it scares me.
I am scared.
I am sad.
I am unsure of the decisions I have made, and if they are right or not.

I hope one day I can share more with you.  I hope I will feel safe enough and comfortable enough to share it with you, but right now it is too new and too raw.

I wish Blogxygen was what it used to be.  When I blogged every day and had oodles of support and had fun with my blog.  When was the last time I had fun with Blogxygen?  When was the last time I giggled while I posted and made you all laugh?  What has happened to me?  To Blogxygen?

I guess I'm disappointed in the way this has all turned out.  I feel like I've let you all down, and the hundreds of readers I used to have that no longer are able to read because I had to make Blogxygen private.

Everything about my life is private now.  I share nothing, with anyone.  And while I felt this was a necessary measure to keep my family safe, I am lonely.  I am sad.

I've thought about reaching out to a few of you via email or texting, and maybe I will.  I don't know.  I could really use a friend right now.

Sorry this blog was all over the place.  Just trying to get some of this out.

Bye for now.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

I'm back!  We moved!  Oh don't worry, I'm only typing this in the loft of my brand new house.  :D

We finally got the internet, so I am sitting down to do a quick post.  I have so much cleaning and unpacking and organizing to do, so a full and more cohesive post about the move to come, but I thought I'd share some pics with you that I've taken over the last few days.

Missed you!  Glad I am back!

Very first pic ever taken in the new house.  I was sick with the flu and Cade was an unwilling picture partner.  The best we could do that first night!

Transporting Bobbi and Hairy on the 45 minute drive to the new house was TERRIBLE.  Mila was sick with the flu and had a double ear infection so she was in the backseat wailing the entire time, and then Bobbi was howling, and Hairy was having a panic attack.  I LITERALLY thought she was going to have an anxiety-induced heart attack and I was freaking out and chanting C'MON HAIRY YOU CAN DO IT MOMMY LOVES YOU BE BRAVE WE'RE ALMOST THERE for 45 minutes straight.  These cats are never going anywhere again!  Ever!  And for my sake as much as theirs!

Apparently we had a visitor to the new house.  That is a spider, and the picture doesn't do it justice, but it was literally the biggest spider I've ever seen that wasn't a tarantula.  It was thick and crunchy and I promise I am not lying, YOU COULD SEE ITS FANGS.  Brandon stabbed it like 20 times with a screw driver to kill it, and screamed like a woman the entire time.  And he actually had nightmares about it that night!  Geez that husband of mine.  ;)

Bobbi and Hairy exploring the new pad...

Getting into every nook and cranny...

So, eating is exhausting.  Who can blame a kid?

Bobbi is right at home in the new pad, as you can tell.  She also likes my popcorn.

Tonight we went on our first walk in the new neighborhood.  It was beautiful and so much fun!

Cade and Mila swinging...

Mila's first time on a swing.  She giggled the entire time; it was adorable.

Daddy and Cade havin' fun on the swing...

Love these two.

Taken with Hipstamatic, hence the green hue.  It looks like she ate grass or something icky!

She literally nose-dived into a chocolate donut today.  As you can tell, I'm not even kidding.  :)

So I am happy.  Exhausted and tired but full of adrenaline from all this moving drama.  In my next post I will regale you with woes on closing and all the drama that ensued - it was a nightmare and almost gave me a heart attack.  Lots of tears and panic attacks, seriously.  But all is well now.  :)  It feels so surreal though...Brandon and I keep remarking to each other that we feel like we're on vacation, and that soon we're going to have to go back to the basement apartment, like this was all a dream or something.  Living in this big and beautiful and immaculate house is so insane and surreal...but we love it!

More to come; I'm going to take pics of the house as soon as I get everything in and organized and decorated.  :)

Golden Girl

Mila was all decked out in her gold tank, glittery gold headband, and sparkly gold TOMS.  She looks so old here, like she's waiting for her first date to come pick her up!  Time to bring out the guns and the xanax.  Mommy and Daddy can't handle her getting any bigger or cuter!!  ;D

Reflecting

I am blogging from my phone while sitting at work, watching the little adolescent chickies sleep.

I just wanted to take a second to reflect on the good. My last few posts have been sad and negative. And that's not me. Yes, I feel that way sometimes, but inherently, that's just not me.

So, here are a few things that are good in my life:

1. Being able to celebrate Cade and Mila's birthday. A separate post to come, but it was so much fun.

2. Boost Plus. Because you know what? It's helping me gain weight, and that's a gooood thing! Tastes like a half melted milkshake going down though; über thick. :(

3. Our house! It is hard to be excited sometimes that we are moving because right now there is so much stress and drama surrounding it, but when this is all over, it's going to be amazing and all this will have totally been worth it. Last night we bought furniture for the living room and master retreat, and it's going to look good. :) Next up? A sofa and bedroom furniture! We are hoping to move in by next week. And I'd love your prayers and/or good vibes that this can happen.

So that's that. :) Wanted to start off my morning with a happy post. Hope this works from my phone! Loves y'all.

Not sure how to post pics from my phone, so this'll be an experiment...