Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So Much to Say Today

Hello friends!

I know I have sucked up the Blogosphere lately.  Honestly, since we've moved, things have just been insane for me.  Who gets diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease, has a miscarriage, loses their treatment team, has their best friend move to a different state, AND has a kid who still refuses to grow teeth, all in like the space of FIVE weeks?  I mean seriously!

So, this post is going to be long.  And I'm putting a few random pictures here and there in here that I've taken over the last day or two.

Photo - Cade and Mila had so much fun at Airborne the other day.  And they love each other so much - makes me Mama heart happy.

So, I'm not going to lie.  Things have been rough.  The depression and anxiety has kind of been kicking my butt, but I am really proud to say that I am getting through it.  I wake up every morning and feed myself and the kids before carting Cade off to school.  Then Mila follows me around the house while I do laundry and make the beds and do the dishes and clean.  Then I usually try to have a little down time and watch some TV, or read a book; just something to help me relax and chill a little bit.  After lunch when Mila naps, I will admit that I have kind of been napping a lot too.  And I'm not sure if that's good or bad - to sleep like, every day, but that's more or less been the norm for awhile.  I think sleep is a way that I use to escape the sad/crappy stuff in my life.  But over the last week or so, I have been using the time that Mila naps to read or spend some extra time with Cade or even just have some de-stress time loving on my kitties.  That, I think, is a little bit better than just sleeping my anxiety away.  I think?

But, things really are starting to get better, and I want you all to know that.  I feel happy now when I wake up, instead of dreading the day and waking up to a perma headache the size of Detroit that is brought on by depression and fatigue.  I smile more.  I love on my kids more, because having this miscarriage really reminded me how blessed I am to have them, and how incredibly precious they are.

Photo - Enjoying a beautiful fall afternoon with my little sidekick. 

One thing that has been good AND bad for me since moving into the new house is that I'm cooking more.  I HATE to cook.  I LOATHE it.  I ABHOR it.  Are there any more ways to say how much I cannot stand cooking?  For some reason, eating food that I've cooked vs. food that someone else has cooked for me is so much harder.  It tastes off to me.  It tastes gross.  I get grossed out.  Brandon reminds me almost nightly as I'm gagging down the food I've prepared that I am definitely my harshest critic, and that the food I made tastes fine.  But...it doesn't to me.  Has anyone else ever experienced this?  Is this an ED thing I'm not aware of?  I mean, I've usually heard the opposite when it comes to people with ED's - that they LOVE cooking.  But it gives me all sorts of shivers and eebie jeebies.  I know it is good that I am cooking and learning and doing this, but I am NOT enjoying it.  Though, I am enjoying baking!  Krista, I make at least one pan of those peanut butter bars every week!  That recipe you gave me is amazing.  :)

I'm honestly not sure what direction I want to go with my blog.  There is a part of me that wants to blog more often, but there is also a part of me that is much more reserved and cautious about my privacy and the privacy of my family.  I never wrote about this on my blog, but I was exploited and hurt badly by a "friend" and it got really messy and freaky.  Hence the whole going private thing.  But since that has happened...I have learned first-hand that there are mean and downright HATEFUL people out there that only want to hurt you and embarrass you and air your deepest secrets that you trusted them with out like dirty laundry for the entire FREAKING WORLD to read.  And so now...I'm scared.  To put it very simply.  Quite scared.

Photo - my new glasses!  They are quite trendy right now, which basically means they're cute now, but in 15 years I'll look back at this picture and shriek in horror.  I still stare at pictures of my mom in her glasses back when I was like five, and I'm like, MOM WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??  I can feel this is going to happen!  But nonetheless, I am happy to have them.  I can see a bit better in them - about 20/40 in one eye, and 20/50 in the other.  Not great, but they'll work until I see the eye specialist and get on the list for corneal transplants.

But I miss all of you, and I miss the support from you.  I have pulled back from blogs and facebook and emails and everything.  I used to spend probably, oh, I don't know, an average of maybe two hours a day at my computer.  Now, maybe I average 2 hours a MONTH.  I'm not joking.  In some ways I think it is good to pull away from this and focus more on strengthening my little fam, but I also know that it can be a bit isolating, and I have felt the brunt of that too.  Not sure what to do about all this.

My BFF Whit moved to Arizona a couple months ago, and I miss her terribly, too.  We still talk on the phone all the time, but it's not the same.  I miss so much that we used to be able to just drive in the car and not say anything at all, and not have it be awkward in the slightest, because we were just comfortable enough with each other that we didn't need to fill every silence up with meaningless words.  I love that we could watch episode after episode of SVU together and each eat an entire giant bag of popcorn while urging Benson and Stabler to catch those damn rapists.  ;)  I miss our shopping expeditions, where she'd always have to talk me down from my impulsive purchases.  I miss you, Whit.  I love you.

Photo - just a pic of my outfit today.  I scored the blue cardigan at a thrift store for $4 yesterday!  I felt a stormy outfit was appropriate for a stormy day today...

Okay, I think I'll end the saga for now.  I feel glad I wrote this.  A little bit better.  :)  Thanks for reading this and loving me and supporting me.  You guys are so awesome.


bri said...

Im so glad u wrote! Im sorry things have been crazy lately. Im always here lets chat soon!! I love u!

Unknown said...

I don't usually comment much, but I have to tell you that I HAVE THE COOKING ISSUE TOO. When I make food it always just freaks me right out and I don't want to eat it! I think it might be because when you cook food, you have to see the meat and vegetables and everything else in their gross slimy raw nasty states, so when you eat it you're like ... ew. But when someone else cooks, all you see id the beautiful delicious looking finished product and you don't have to think about what it looked/smelled/felt like during the cooking process. I don't know just an idea. So happy you posted, I was missing you! :)

brie said...

you nailed it! can my food just be served to me looking perfect please????

Erica Butterfield said...

I'm glad that you wrote. Sometimes you just have to take a break from writing! Especially when someone betrays your trust. Keep your chin up and stay strong. Some days you just gotta nap and some days you will be able to handle it all in other ways! Cooking sometimes freaks me out too!

KC said...

Sorry about the rough 5 weeks, and not knowing whom you can trust...
Cooking, oh my, that has been my saga of the last year, and I think I conquered it! I couldn't cook a thing and I certainly didn't want to put things like olive oil into food, but a friend/mentor taught me how to cook and we had the most fun cooking late nights together, so now I have a really positive and healthy association with it, and I can feel good about what I make. But before that, it was this looming upsetting issue of doom. We made a little blog about it, although we only put up a few posts. It helped me start eating better too (i.e. gain weight). It has taken a lot of practice learning to pair ingredients and such, but it has changed from an overwhelming to a fun activity.

I relate to not knowing whom to trust. I've finally been dealing with all my trauma this summer and now I sense danger EVERYWHERE. I'm super cautious but I think in time I'm learning to sort out the red flags and the safe people. I don't know if this is relevant, but I found this quote this week that I really like:

"What is required to face trauma is the ability to mourn, fully and deeply, all that has been taken from us. Only through mourning everything we have lost can we discover that we have in fact survived; that our spirits are indestructible.” ~Aurora Levins Morales"

allegri said...

you have had quite the year. It breaks my heart. I am so sorry all of these things have happened to you. As if you weren't emotionally dealing with enough, prior to these losses...

Krista said...

Glad you liked the PB bars! My MIL has the best recipes. Good for you for taking an internet break. I'm thinking I need to do the same. It can be a big time waster and I could work on spending more time with my kiddos. Does Mila show any signs of teeth yet? How old is she now? Your kids are beautiful.

ania said...

Dear Brie,

Your babies are too adorable. I love how happy they look.

I think that naps are great. Honestly, your body needs extra restoration time after your recent loss.

If this is too intrusive of a question, feel free to ignore it, but did I miss something about changes with your job? I've been trying to figure it out.

As far as cooking - when I have the energy and time to do it, I love it. (By the way, what is the peanut butter bar recipe?)I find myself gagging when I am meant to eat food that someone else has prepared for me. It's totally a mind/body thing - but I literally become nauseous a few bites in and so only want to eat what I've cooked for myself.

Your glasses suit you! And, they are very stylish. Nana Mouskouri (super-famous and talented international singer) has similar signature glasses and I immediately thought of her when I saw you in yours. I'm going to send you a photo of her when she was young (she's 78 now).

I hope that things settle down for you soon, but in the meantime - **Please** try to take good care of yourself.

With support....

Colleen said...

your babes look adorable as usual :) and glad Cade seems to look really happy, I hope he is loving Kindergarten this year :)

glad you posted - i miss your updates! ... but i understand the hesitation after being creeped on. i do love your writing and enjoy the updates, but i respect doing what's best for your fam and also just trying to spend less time online.
if you want to write, i think we'll all be happy to read, and if you want to take a writing break, we'll be around when you're ready :)

... as for the cooking thing, my husband eats whatever i make with reckless abandon, and then proclaims it was delicious. i don't always have the same feelings, but sometimes i think it's just that i'm too hard on myself. as for baking, if you ever want recipe ideas, let me know, i've got lots - i made coconut "blondies" this week (as in, not chocolate brownies, i guess). they were pretty good :)

Tabatha Bourdel said...

Hi Brie!
I'm so happy that you wrote. I totally understand that you feel like taking a break from writing, I just hope that now that your blog is not as accessible as it used to be, you can feel safe with your selected readers. I do hope we can contribute to your feeling fine and safe among us. You've got a group of loving and supporting people reading you now.

The glasses are just amazing on you! Fine choice, who cares what you'll think in 20 years, you just look good right now! I hope that reading our comments you can feel that we do sincerely care about you.

I've been severely depressed a couple of times in my life. And I understand how sleeping, especially taking naps, can help you when you're feeling down.I don't see the harm in that, if you wake up feeling calm and peaceful, as I used to when I was so depressed, well then it's a quite powerful way to heal!Please don't feel guilty for sleeping, if you need it to stay healthy you may as well enjoy it!

Hugs from Paris

Tylaine said...

Brie I've missed your posts! So glad to hear from you.
I'm sorry you've had a rough time of things but glad to hear your fightin' through them! Dang thos hateful people! That sucks and I wish their weren't people like that. I find your honesty so inspiring and refreshing and would be so sad if you decided not to write. (still waitin' for that book :))
You have an adorable family and I totally love your new glasses!!
Cyber HUGS

Maeve said...

I'm sorry that you've had so much on your plate. It sounds like a crazy month to say the least. I do hope that having the new house is helping to offset some of the hurdles you've been facing (not that a new house can in any way make up for a terrible diagnosis or a miscarriage, just that it is a small comfort in a difficult time).

Love the new glasses!!!!

Stacy said...

that is a lot going on. Proud you are doing so well getting through it all. not an easy task. And the cooking. While I love cooking and I think my food is good I get grossed out in the process. I usually do better with crock pot stuff. gives me time to forget the original raw smell and look.

Sorry some people suck

Angela and Brett said...

Weirdly, I have the opposite problem with the food that I cook. I always think it tastes WAY better than other people do... So it scares me to feed other people because they probably all think i'm feeding them disgusting food, while I'm there thinking i'm the shiz and prepared this awesome meal. Baby P told me last night that my dinner was YUCKY. Who taught her that word anyways. I thought it was good.

ania said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ania said...

(Ha-hah, that (^) comment is hilarious.)

emo said...

That is true what you said about the cooking thing. Everything I make is disgusting vs. what anyone else would make would taste lots better. So weird and frustrating!
I love your glasses and the outfit you got!That's a good score on the sweater too.

Penny said...

Since yiou referenced me i
with the glasses, its probably going to be true in twenty iyears. But to be fair, mine were sorta of a mauve color frame and much larger and they were in the 70's. The ble sweter from the thrift store ws a great purchase and i think that your food is good. Your baking is becoming quite professional and I promise your meat and dinner skills will become old hat soon. You won't think about it so much and yiou will just kind of settle into a routine with it all. Loved your pics and i
I love your honesty.
it all.