I know I have sucked up the Blogosphere lately. Honestly, since we've moved, things have just been insane for me. Who gets diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease, has a miscarriage, loses their treatment team, has their best friend move to a different state, AND has a kid who still refuses to grow teeth, all in like the space of FIVE weeks? I mean seriously!
So, this post is going to be long. And I'm putting a few random pictures here and there in here that I've taken over the last day or two.
Photo - Cade and Mila had so much fun at Airborne the other day. And they love each other so much - makes me Mama heart happy.
So, I'm not going to lie. Things have been rough. The depression and anxiety has kind of been kicking my butt, but I am really proud to say that I am getting through it. I wake up every morning and feed myself and the kids before carting Cade off to school. Then Mila follows me around the house while I do laundry and make the beds and do the dishes and clean. Then I usually try to have a little down time and watch some TV, or read a book; just something to help me relax and chill a little bit. After lunch when Mila naps, I will admit that I have kind of been napping a lot too. And I'm not sure if that's good or bad - to sleep like, every day, but that's more or less been the norm for awhile. I think sleep is a way that I use to escape the sad/crappy stuff in my life. But over the last week or so, I have been using the time that Mila naps to read or spend some extra time with Cade or even just have some de-stress time loving on my kitties. That, I think, is a little bit better than just sleeping my anxiety away. I think?
But, things really are starting to get better, and I want you all to know that. I feel happy now when I wake up, instead of dreading the day and waking up to a perma headache the size of Detroit that is brought on by depression and fatigue. I smile more. I love on my kids more, because having this miscarriage really reminded me how blessed I am to have them, and how incredibly precious they are.
Photo - Enjoying a beautiful fall afternoon with my little sidekick.
One thing that has been good AND bad for me since moving into the new house is that I'm cooking more. I HATE to cook. I LOATHE it. I ABHOR it. Are there any more ways to say how much I cannot stand cooking? For some reason, eating food that I've cooked vs. food that someone else has cooked for me is so much harder. It tastes off to me. It tastes gross. I get grossed out. Brandon reminds me almost nightly as I'm gagging down the food I've prepared that I am definitely my harshest critic, and that the food I made tastes fine. But...it doesn't to me. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Is this an ED thing I'm not aware of? I mean, I've usually heard the opposite when it comes to people with ED's - that they LOVE cooking. But it gives me all sorts of shivers and eebie jeebies. I know it is good that I am cooking and learning and doing this, but I am NOT enjoying it. Though, I am enjoying baking! Krista, I make at least one pan of those peanut butter bars every week! That recipe you gave me is amazing. :)
I'm honestly not sure what direction I want to go with my blog. There is a part of me that wants to blog more often, but there is also a part of me that is much more reserved and cautious about my privacy and the privacy of my family. I never wrote about this on my blog, but I was exploited and hurt badly by a "friend" and it got really messy and freaky. Hence the whole going private thing. But since that has happened...I have learned first-hand that there are mean and downright HATEFUL people out there that only want to hurt you and embarrass you and air your deepest secrets that you trusted them with out like dirty laundry for the entire FREAKING WORLD to read. And so now...I'm scared. To put it very simply. Quite scared.
Photo - my new glasses! They are quite trendy right now, which basically means they're cute now, but in 15 years I'll look back at this picture and shriek in horror. I still stare at pictures of my mom in her glasses back when I was like five, and I'm like, MOM WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? I can feel this is going to happen! But nonetheless, I am happy to have them. I can see a bit better in them - about 20/40 in one eye, and 20/50 in the other. Not great, but they'll work until I see the eye specialist and get on the list for corneal transplants.
But I miss all of you, and I miss the support from you. I have pulled back from blogs and facebook and emails and everything. I used to spend probably, oh, I don't know, an average of maybe two hours a day at my computer. Now, maybe I average 2 hours a MONTH. I'm not joking. In some ways I think it is good to pull away from this and focus more on strengthening my little fam, but I also know that it can be a bit isolating, and I have felt the brunt of that too. Not sure what to do about all this.
My BFF Whit moved to Arizona a couple months ago, and I miss her terribly, too. We still talk on the phone all the time, but it's not the same. I miss so much that we used to be able to just drive in the car and not say anything at all, and not have it be awkward in the slightest, because we were just comfortable enough with each other that we didn't need to fill every silence up with meaningless words. I love that we could watch episode after episode of SVU together and each eat an entire giant bag of popcorn while urging Benson and Stabler to catch those damn rapists. ;) I miss our shopping expeditions, where she'd always have to talk me down from my impulsive purchases. I miss you, Whit. I love you.
Photo - just a pic of my outfit today. I scored the blue cardigan at a thrift store for $4 yesterday! I felt a stormy outfit was appropriate for a stormy day today...
Okay, I think I'll end the saga for now. I feel glad I wrote this. A little bit better. :) Thanks for reading this and loving me and supporting me. You guys are so awesome.