Monday, October 8, 2012

50%

I've been pregnant four times, and have only had two children.  So, having a miscarriage/stillbirth rate of 50% is really high.

And that's been on my mind a lot lately - the fear that I'm going to continue to miscarry, to continue to lose children.


 But you know what really sucks about that?  When I'm so focused on what I've lost, I forget to focus on what I HAVE - two insanely beautiful, healthy children.

I love Cade and Mila with everything I have.  They are my world.  And, God willing, I'll have another, but if not...
then...
I have them.  And in the end, that will be enough.


So, I have to publicly acknowledge how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  They bring me more joy than I really ever though I'd have.  In the throes of my my eating disorder, years ago, nothing made me happy.  Now I can smile and laugh out loud and really mean it, because they are my world. They bring that joy and meaning to my life that I didn't ever think I'd find.



And, yes, I've lost two kids...but I have two kids...
and they are so amazing.
They make life beautiful.

So, I"ll take my 50%.  And hope that percentage can swing a little more in my favor, in time.  But if not?

It's ok.
I have my 50%.

10 comments:

Lou said...

I am so sorry for what you have lost. But how great that you are able to see what you have too. Kids are the best at reminding you of the good in the world.

(And speaking of good in the world... Mils's pigtails in the last picture? Too frickin' cute!!)

alriggells said...

I am sorry for your loss and so grateful for the family and love that you have for them. Your family is beautiful and they have a beautiful and special mama. They are lucky just as you are lucky. I love you girl.

simonattic said...

I too forget my blessings when faced with so much pain and sorrow. It's so hard. But yes, you have 2 awesome kids who think the world of you! I too have lost 2 kids, and have only one. But this one on the way is my beautiful rainbow after the storm, and I'll be praying for a rainbow in your life as well.

Tabatha Bourdel said...

You're really wise Brie. We should all be thankful for what we've got, even if it is sometimes hard to focus on the good things in life, when we're feeling so down.
Your kids look wonderful!

Colleen said...

your babies are beautiful and they are blessed to have a mama that loves them as you do.
i'm sorry things have been hard. thinking about you <3

bri said...

I love u Brie. Never forget im always here. I love u so much!! Thinking of u.

Krista said...

I'm sorry you have had to experience two losses. I've miscarried three times now and each has been it's own process of grieving. I don't pretend to know what it's like to have a stillborn, as all of mine were in the first trimester, but I do know that it can be a difficult thing to experience and my heart goes out to you. Thanks for reminding me to hold my two precious kiddos that I do have just a little tighter and to be always grateful for them.

Elizabeth said...

I got the feeling that despite your losses, you see your "50%" as your 100% right now, and that's beautiful:)

Mila and Cade are so lucky to have you as their mother, and hopefully another person will fall into that luck one day too, for you, and for them!

emo said...

I love your post!
The pictures are so sweet and precious. You are such a great Mom and person.
Very positive. Thanks. ")
Thanks for the comment too. It meant a lot.
Yes, you are so blessed with Mila and Cade and many other blessings. So true that we should focus our time more on what we have and not our losses.

Penny said...

What a sweet post and a beautiful spirit tht you have. Your famiy will always be blessed because of who you are and what you have learned. you amaze me.