Friday, August 24, 2012

Turmoil

I have thought and thought about writing a blog post, but I haven't known exactly what to say, and what to keep quiet, and how to deal with all of this.

So instead, I've just withdrawn into my little Brie shell.

My life is in complete and utter turmoil right now.  This past week I have vacillated between being a sobbing mess to being a robot in a haze that doesn't register or feel anything.

And I haven't even known if I've wanted to blog about it, because truthfully I am not yet ready to share details.  I don't know if I'll ever feel ready.  I don't even know what to say, and if I even wanted to say it, how would I begin?

So instead I sit here, feeling miserable and sad and lost, and not knowing how to cope or what to do.

I am functioning okay.  I am waking up in the morning and feeding the kids and cleaning my house and cooking dinner like a good mother should.  I am loving being in the new house, but that is about the only good thing I've got going for me right now.  I honestly think I am in shock about how the past few days have turned out.  One week ago, I didn't see any of this on the horizon, and it's like...how can FOUR days completely change your life? 

It baffles me.  And it scares me.
I am scared.
I am sad.
I am unsure of the decisions I have made, and if they are right or not.

I hope one day I can share more with you.  I hope I will feel safe enough and comfortable enough to share it with you, but right now it is too new and too raw.

I wish Blogxygen was what it used to be.  When I blogged every day and had oodles of support and had fun with my blog.  When was the last time I had fun with Blogxygen?  When was the last time I giggled while I posted and made you all laugh?  What has happened to me?  To Blogxygen?

I guess I'm disappointed in the way this has all turned out.  I feel like I've let you all down, and the hundreds of readers I used to have that no longer are able to read because I had to make Blogxygen private.

Everything about my life is private now.  I share nothing, with anyone.  And while I felt this was a necessary measure to keep my family safe, I am lonely.  I am sad.

I've thought about reaching out to a few of you via email or texting, and maybe I will.  I don't know.  I could really use a friend right now.

Sorry this blog was all over the place.  Just trying to get some of this out.

Bye for now.

20 comments:

Tabatha Bourdel said...

Hold on Brie! You'll get better!

We all go through ups and downs, that's life. Right now, my life is pretty gloomy too, but I know I can get better with time.

We're not disappointed by you, sharing your true feelings, including pessimistic ones, make your blog interesting and unique.

Take care.

Much love from Paris, France, I know that's quite far away, but the good vibrations will surely reach you.

Brittney said...

I don't comment very much, mostly because I don't feel like I have anything insightful to say, but I want you to know that I am around if you ever need anything. As far as not writing posts that make people laugh, I know those will come again. Honestly, It is kind of refreshing to me to read a blog that doesn't just talk about how everything is perfect and it is great to see how strong you are during those not so perfect times. I hope that things get better soon!

The Kind Life said...

I'm always here for you gal. Sometimes opening up and being vulnerable, versus trying to hold it all in, can be pretty dang relieving and empowering.

Luv ya,

Maeve said...

Whatever is going on we are here for you.

We want you to write happy posts only because we want you to be happy. We don't want you to feel like you owe us something or we need this blog to be something. It's your blog and you should feel free to write what you want.

I hope that you feel better soon!!!

Jenn said...

brie, i am so sorry that things are feeling so horrible right now. i know sometimes things can be so scary and we don't know what to do but i KNOW you are going to rise above this. i know this because you have fought and overcome so much already. you are a strong woman and even though you feel broken right now... you won't feel this way forever. please try to be gentle and patient with yourself. give yourself some time to heal from the things that are causing you pain. i just posted a song on my blog called Faith by Jordin Sparks. it has gotten me through some pretty rough times. if you haven't heard it before, you should listen to it. hang in there, things will get better <3

Liz said...

(HUGS) I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. You're always in my thoughts and prayers.

simonattic said...

: (

So sorry you're having a tough time.

I know we don't talk like we used to, but if you need another outlet, feel free to shoot me an email.

Hang in there, and don't give up! You're in my thoughts!

Frustrated Unemployed Actress said...

Whatever's going on, you haven't let us down. Email if you need to.

Shawnee said...

Oh, Brie. I know we don't actually know each other, but I care about you so much and I hope you know that. I love hearing about what's going on and I'm cheering for you so hard core. You're a rockstar. I wish I knew you better, but please know that I'll always be on your team. Let me know if you ever need anything. For real

alriggells said...

Hang in there girl. I know you have it in you. Remember our Wal-Mart talk a few weeks ago, you have done hard things and blown them out of the water, you can do this as well. I hope you know how much I love and care about you. You really mean a lot to me.

bri said...

Brie baby this breaks my heart. I hope im one of the ones u text or call cause i wanna b there for u. I love u more than i can say and will always b here for u good bad and all between. I love u not because we share the same name but because i truly love u with all my heart. Call me!

katiemacgregor said...

Praying for you. I wish I had more words...
Sending loads of love x

Tylaine said...

Brie I'm so sorry you feel this way. Even though there are so many things in your life I can't relate to I feel like there are so many I can too. My life was pretty rosy up until about 5 years ago so I know that life can definitely throw curve balls that are unexpected. I know it will be rosy again it's just hard to see through the crap sometimes. I know too that you will get through whatever you're going through and things will be better than rosy for you and your beautiful family. Our greatest blessings in life often come through our biggest trials. Love you girl! If there's anything I can do for you please let me know. Hugs :)

Tylaine said...

oh and btw you really look naturally gorgeous in that picture!

Arielle Lee Bair said...

Hey Brie, holding you in a tight friendship hug from afar. And sending you a message now.

Just That ZombieGrrl said...

You are awesome and what you've created Blogxygen for (a place of honesty, recovery, struggles, and support) is awesome, too. Life isn't all puppies and flowers for anyone -- but dumping it all out there can go a long way to having a lighter load on your shoulders. Your readers are here for you and want to support you. When you are ready to share, we are ready to read and send our support. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to be Brie.

Laur said...

hugs. I'm so sorry you're feeling so raw right now. I've followed your blog when you've been funny, when you've been sad...we're here no mater what. Bloxygen is whatever you need it to be. It's not a job with certain outlined duties. I am curious about this big dark news, but I will try to be patient until you are ready to share it, and with whomever you can.

Sarah Hope said...

It's funny, I feel like I know when something's up, simply because you haven't posted. There isn't a freaking cute picture of Cade and Mila, or an update on the cats...then I know something's up. So truthfully, you don't disappear from our hearts and minds (I think I can speak that for all of us, my apologies if I shouldn't!).

I have never once been disappointed. I can scroll through old posts if I need to giggle. You share yourself with us, and we support you. Regardless of what you bring to the blog...

Hang in there. Sometimes getting through the minutes of the day is the best we can do, and it's enough.

The Kind Life said...

Girl-

I've been very worried about ya.
I sent you a text, but didn't hear back. I am sure you have a lot on your plate right now.
Feel free to text me if you need anything- I'm here for ya!

--
L

ania said...

Hi, Brie.

I am sorry that things are difficult right now, and that you're feeling so much upheaval.

I'm not making any assumptions, but want to remind you to remember that taking care of your body will help you through this, even if you're feeling that the opposite is true.

Smell the top Mila's head after a bath. Tickle Cade to elicit some belly giggles.

Please try to lean on the trustworthy and capable people in your life. If you do decide that you can't share all of what's going on, maybe you can talk about your feelings sans event details with some of those people.

Hang in there, my girl.

I'm thinking of you with tender care....