Sunday, July 20, 2008

I Think I'm Happy - but the Concept is Pretty Foreign, so I'm Not Sure

This is really weird. I’m actually…happy. Full of joy. Content.

For real.

Wow.

For the past five, six weeks, you all know that I’ve been in this, like, crazy sad/anxiety-riddled/I want to jump off the roof type of depression.

Usually, if someone were to ask me how I was feeling on a scale of 1-10, the number I gave you would be based more or less on the below graph I have made. So, even if I were to tell you that I was, say, a 7 on that graph, you’d be able to understand that what I’m really saying is that, at least for today, I don’t completely want to find a giant black trash bag, put myself in it, dig a hole, and hide in it forever.

But not today. Today, I’d say the graph is more accurately described as this:
And would you believe me if I told you I was probably, on that scale, an 8? Or, maybe, a bit more correctly, a 7.5?

‘Tis true, my friends.

I’ve eaten today, like really well – dare I say almost normally? I did laundry and the dishes and made a dee-lish lunch for me and The Husband. Cade’s typically a bit grumpy, and his asthma’s acting up, which is why I suppose I’m not a bit higher on that scale. But I don’t care, I won’t complain. Because, I may not know all the reasons I’m happy, (though I do have a few ideas, but I won’t bore you with them) but I won’t question them. I’ll just pray I begin to have more and more of them.

Do I dare hope?

18 comments:

Emily said...

I am so relieved you're happy! What an awesome feeling, especially after that big bout of depression you had. You deserve happiness.

jana bananas said...

This cheers me up. :)

KC Elaine said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better! I know it's been an extremely rough several weeks for you, and you really deserve to be happy.

Jackie said...

It made me SO happy to read this post Brie. I am glad you are feeling better. Let's do lunch or tea soon :)

xo Jax

Heather said...

I think days like that give us so much perspective on life! Hang on to that feeling.

Sorry I haven't commented in a while. I've been dealing with my own crap-ola and just couldn't muster the strength to do much at all.

I'm doing better though....not quite as happy as you at the moment ;-)......but hangin' on.

Hey...off the topic for a sec....how in the world did Cade get blond hair? He's so cute, but where does that come from????

kristin said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are happy! :)

Take care, Brie!

love, kristin

Laur said...

Maybe in the past you thought there had to be something AMAZING going on in order for you to be happy. I find myself getting caught in that rut sometimes. Like, there is nothing to be happy about, no upcoming vacations, nothing fun to do today, nothing fun to go buy...etc.
But I think the secret to happiness is just being content and grateful that you are blessed with so much in life. I also think its important for us to realize we dont have to be happy all the time. In this day and age we think we have to be happy all the time or something is wrong with us.
When I think about some of the things that other people in the world are going thru I find myself more happy just because I am so glad for what I have. Then I go and grab Conner and dance around the house singing to him. Just for the simple fact that I am so grateful that he is so healthy and beautiful and not sick or showing any signs of disabilities or anything. When I really sit and think about it, I have no choice but to be happy for that simple fact. And the fact that I have a wonderful husband while other women out there are being beaten and talked down to. You and I are both equally blessed with the most beautiful intelligent little boys in the world along with the greatest husbands in the world. We have to be grateful.
I love your 1-10 reference, you know you got that from ME! I text you and asked you that the other day. haha I am so awesome. My name might not have been metnioned but I made it into Brie's blog its a true acomplishment. :)

alriggells said...

Yet again you bring hope out of the darkness, and shed the light that you have held onto with those around you. Thank you for your inspiration and the realness in your blogs and the truth. I just want you to know that I am extremely proud of you and love you mucho mucho.

Laura said...

sounds like happy to me...
(what did you make for lunch that was so good? I hate lunch, and find it boring...I am so curious...)
hope tomorrow is another happy day...
xo
foodie

Krista said...

YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA
YEA FOR BRIE!

Vickyann said...

Feeling happy is the best thing in the world, everything feels possible and you spread that smile to someone else's lips.

Vicky
XXX

brie said...

Heather - I have no idea how my child got blonde hair. Maybe...um...Brandon's not his actual father? ;) I tease Bran on this all the time, because we both have dark hair, but really, we can't figure it out. I always thought I'd have dark babies, like me, but go figure, huh?

Laura - I made vegetarian tostadas. There's these amazing hard and flat taco shells you can buy, but that particular brand is amazing. Then I put veggie refried beans on them and cheese and broil them in the oven - and afterward top them with this really yummy fresh salsa I can buy at a store...holy cow! I actually had two. I can't remember I had two of anything!

brie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

this makes ME happy.

xoxo

kb said...

Brie,

I've never posted on your blog before, but have viewed it, and I can say that coming out of a severe and bleak depression is such an incredible experience. It's like this 'other side' really does exist where you can connect to other people, and to yourself and your life, and really experience things without having a wall or a film between you and the world.
Enjoy this!
- Kristina

Penny said...

You earned this happiness, my girl. You are working so hard and really trying to live the life you want. Ups and downs are always ahead but you are a blessing to so many, including me.

Tiptoe said...

I know I've felt this way before, almost afraid to say I'm happy even when I'm feeling better. I think the best thing to do is just remember this feeling and know that it can happen.

In the end, feeling happy or whatever word you may want to use, brings positive changes.

brie said...

Oh, thank you all for what you've written.

It's kind of interesting I wrote this yesterday, and I'm glad I did, because I woke up this morning, thinking, Suck. Yeah, my life sucks. I remember now. ...But also, as some of you have pointed out, now I can remember that things can be good. I've been in this darkness for so long, I had almost forgotten.

It was really hard though to go from this amazing happiness to this muck again. :(