Thursday, July 10, 2008

A Public Bathroom Trauma

Today is bizarre. Aside from the fact I’ve had some really ridiculous and really ironic car troubles (this will be another blog post; perhaps tomorrow when I’m still not so enraged about it) I just had the ODDEST. BATHROOM. ENCOUNTER/EXPERIENCE. EVER. Seriously. Like, I think I’m experiencing some PTSD, here.

So, I’m at work, and on my break, and I need to use the ladies’ facilities. So I traipse on in and occupy the first stall. The first thing I notice after placing the sanitary tissue paper thing on the seat and sitting down was a rather large, hairy spider lingering around my right stiletto shoe. He was quite the menacing one, and I always find these intimidating monsters in the bathroom here at work. It’s so gross, there’s like an infestation of them in there or something. So I’m tinkling, when someone else comes in and completely breaks the public bathroom code of ethics and takes the stall right next to me, instead of doing the “every other stall if at all possible" rule. And then I have this thing…phobia, whatever: I don’t want her to see me. I mean, I know we all pee, but I have to stay in the stall until she gets up and leaves - anonymity is a must. So I’m willing her to finish her biz-nass, all the while quite wary of the giant arachnid waiting to strike and take my life and/or right foot, or perhaps rape me, who knows - anything could happen at this point. So, finally, as she steps out of the stall and washes her hands,my phone starts ringing. I look at the caller ID, and it’s my doc – Docalicious – and I have been waiting for ages to talk to this amazing looking human being/doctor, and I just can’t can’t can’t let it go unanswered. So I let it ring several times before I answer it, until Unknown Woman leaves. And just as she opens the door, I answer my phone – right before it goes to voicemail.

Now, let me pause here. I am fully aware at this point that I am a) in a bathroom stall talking on the phone. This is not only gross, tacky, but non-functional
but also b) that I am sitting on a toilet with my pants down talking on the phone. And not just to anyone, but to, like, a professional who no doubt would be horrified if he knew he was talking to me with my pants down.

But it gets worse. Read on.

So as the lady washes her hands, and opens the door to leave, she also decides to turn off the lights. Yeah. She really did. And these bathrooms have no windows. They have no warming and quaint night-lights plugged into surreptitious outlets. They have nothing but cold hurtful humiliating darkness. Darkness that’s really DARK. As in PITCH DARK.

So there I am, talking to my doctor for nearly ten minutes, sans pants in a pitch black public bathroom. Between trying to focus on my convo with him, I was also able to devote about 47% of my other brain power to either worrying about the arachnid gnawing it’s way through my designer stiletto and starting in on my foot to somebody walking into the bathroom and discovering that there actually is, someone, in fact, who is on their bloody phone in the pitch dark (with their pants down).

Thankfully, neither of these things happened. Once said phone call was over, I was so grateful for my cell, because it was able to double as a flashlight. I had to hover it over the toilet paper dispenser, then use it to find the handle to flush, then use it to unlock the stall, and you get it by now, yada yada yada.

Once the lights were back on, I thoroughly checked my person and could find no greedy spider gobbling at me and my liciousness. I’m still unsure, but I’m pretty positive he’s no longer on the vicinity. (As in, my vicinity.)

So I’m a little shaken. I feel weird. And I can’t stop myself from continuing to ask why the hell would anybody do that? What a reject.

Although, it makes for a great April Fools’ joke come next year...

14 comments:

jana bananas said...

What an odd experience! I think you handled it pretty well. Had it been me, as soon as the lights went out with that spider right by me, I would have freaked and run out (while trying to pull my pants up...hopefully).

I think I have some PTSD from this scary post!

kristin said...

That is a bizarre experience! Someone once turned off the bathroom lights on me in a restaurant. I didn't go to the bathroom at a restaurant without my mom for a while. I hate the dark! Yuck!

Krista said...

I LOVE IT!!! I have missed your enthralling stories. I was actually so enthralled with this one that while I was reading it Jax managed to dump his yogurt drink all over the dog and carpet. DAMN you for being funny and a good writer! I'm really thinking you should have to come clean up...jk! I hope you're still feeling better.

Emily said...

Too funny! I hate it when somebody takes the stall next to me when there are others open.

Keely said...

Hey! I am so glad to read your posts! You never cease to make me laugh. (hug)

emmy. said...

ok, i'm like.. dying over here. not because your ridiculous and petrifying experience totally amuses me (or.. not only because of that) but because this sounds like i story i would be telling my mom after a long day of work. spider included. these are the kinds of situations i find myself in.

but what a great story it makes, hahahaha.



but seriously..
who shuts the light off in a public bathroom???????????????? wtf??????

Tanya said...

OK the lights??? Seriously?? I would have freaked out...especially knowing the spider was there. I can understand the need to answer a phone call that you have been waiting for for a long time, would have done that too. I can't believe she turned out the lights...ugh. I am sorry. But it was a funny story.

Penny said...

Is it possible that you were so quiet in your stall that she thought no one was there? I always turn out lights just to save the Earth or something. My first PTSD experience was with a bathroom. I was 5 and attending a function at the High School at night and my folks were at the Gym and I had TO GO and my mom said to go out and go by myself. Of course I found the restroom and did in fact go, but then trying to leave,the door was locked from the outside. I will and have never forgotten that locked door. I went back into a stall and kneeled down on the grimy floor and prayed outloud to God for help and help did arrive in the form of my mother who came wondering why I was so late in returning to her. Interesting that my first answer to a prayer was in a bathroom. And, of course, now bathrooms are myi favorite place!!(now I wisih myi story was more colorful like yours or maybe I wish that I could just write better.)

Penny said...

But wait, she heard the rings before she left so she knew you were in there. That is much more sinister. Maybe she hates M. H. C. where you work?

brie said...

Mom I love it when you tell me about your first experience with prayer. :) I'm glad Grandma rescued you!

Emmy...sounds like you have some pretty interesting experiences then, too. :) I don't know why the oddest things seem to always happen to me...

Abby said...

Brie, you have an amazing life. That's all I can really say. How do you manage to have these one-of-a-kind experiences?

I must say that I much appreciate you writing about your adventures. I love my boring life and wouldn't trade it in for an interesting one, but sometimes it's nice to have a bit of vicarious excitement!

Palmtreechick said...

Haha, That whole post is hysterical!

Sometimes the light thing is just habit.

Nicholas and Megan Trujillo said...

Hey Brie its your old friend Nick. Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that i quite enjoy reading your blog. You are quite the little writter. Oh and I am still waiting for you and brandon to come hang with megan and I. You and Megan don't even know eachother and I think we could all have some good times ahead. We need to get things crackin. Congrats on the the sweet ride. I'm gonna add you to our blog cool? laters

Krystle said...

Hahaha. This must have been quite a crazy experience indeed! Maybe the spider went off to stalk that reject who turned off the lights when there was clearly someone else in the bathroom! :)