Thursday, July 31, 2008

Today, it's Not About Me

As you all know, my blog is not family-oriented. Every post is not about Brandon, or Cade, but, rather selfishly, it’s usually about me.

But I’ve been reflecting a bit about my dear, sweet son, and I wanted to write a bit about the awesomeness that is him, especially as his second birthday is fast approaching, (on Monday, August 4th) and very soon he will no longer be a baby, but a boy.

Cade has a ridiculously amazing vocabulary for such a young boy. Every single day he surprises me with new words that I have no idea how he learned or where he heard them from. Yesterday, as Brandon was showering, he ran into the bathroom, threw aside the shower curtain, looked at Brandon, and enthusiastically exclaimed,

Daddy’s bum…in the water!

In the morning, after I’ve finished dressing, he’ll look me up and down, and then say, CUUUUUUTE!! Mama’s cute!

Yesterday in the car, I was cut off, and I yelled, “Oh my he--…oh my HECK,” and he then echoed loudly, “HECK! Heck heck heck!” I’m so glad I caught myself on that one…I know that hell is a place and not technically a swear word, but still. I don’t want him repeating that, especially in church, where I swear he’d do it just to humiliate me.

Also, his present obsession is with shoes. I worry about it a little. He preens around in my high heels, and is even better at walking in them than I am – and that’s saying a lot, coming from a previous runway model. :) If I’m not wearing shoes, he has a major freak out and brings me a pair – I must be wearing some, at all times, even if I’m sprawled on the couch with him watching cartoons. He changes his shoes several times a day, going from his cwocs (crocs) to his sandals to his tennies to his chooch (church) shoes. Every morning he’ll pick out a pair for me to wear, and if I set them aside and choose another pair that matches my outfit more, he throws a fit and seems mortally offended I wasn’t as enthusiastic about the shoes he picked out for me as he was.

Yesterday I walked into his bedroom to find him in a pair of my heels with his hand down his pants. How could he simultaneously capture the femininity of heels and the nasty manliness of having your hand down your pants, all at the same time? It was definitely a laugh out loud moment for me. I swept him up in my arms and kissed him and kissed him until he pushed my face away and said, “No mo, mama!” Sigh. Sometimes he seems so over-burdened with my love. But I can’t help it.

I’m so happy I’m a mama. My pregnancy was a surprise, and I was terrified. I was never upset that I got pregnant, or begrudged his little alien presence in my uterus, but I was scared, so fearful of being a mom, of somehow caring for him and raising him to be happy and healthy and relatively sane (well, at least more sane than me – that’d be a worthy goal, right there). Every therapist or mental health professional I’ve ever talked to have all told me that true recovery from an eating disorder only works if you do it for yourself, and not for anybody else. I’m not sure I entirely agree. I truly believe that my Cade man was a gift from God, a beautiful, perfectly made package for me to show me that life is beautiful and kind and can be full of joy. Being a mother has made me want to recover so that I can be there for him emotionally and physically, and actually be there, be entirely present, as my own mother was for me. I want to show my family that I love them more than Ed. I will recover because when I look in Cade’s big blue eyes, framed by the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen on a boy, or when I look at his one perfect dimple on his left cheek, I see that life doesn’t have to be so complicated, or so wrought with panic and chaos and pain. It can be simple, it can be sweet. My little boy has showed me that.

And I thank God for him every single day.

21 comments:

Paige said...

He's such a cute boy! I can't believe he's almost 2.

Brie, I'm SO sorry I forgot to wish you a happy birthday a few days ago. It totally slipped my mind! I'm a horrible friend. so HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY!!!

Devon said...

So I don't have much to say...other than that pose 'ooozed' peace and contentment. I know, bad word choice, but still.

I'm so insanely happy for you and the man child...it's time to go shopping for him - woo me! :D

Brett said...

i just wanted to say that i was with Cade in that first pic, hiking in St George! Cool eh? Brandon took a pic of us inside a mini arch too, did you see that one? we may have been too far away though, since it was Bran's camera phone.

anyway . . . don't let Cade forget how to say "Brett's big bike!"

see ya sis

belinda said...

Hey Brie,
Your son is absolutely beautiful, with the most stunning eyes! I think he looks a lot like his Mum ;)

I tend to agree with you on the parenthood/recovery idea. Although I am not (yet) a parent, I understand the bond and the love. I fail to see how this cannot be anything BUT helpful in helping one find their direction, purpose & happiness in life. I am glad Cade has helped you! (I love the shoe story too - how adorable).

x

brie said...

Brett, Cade talks about you and Angie all the time. He always coincides talking about you with either your "big bike" or a ball. At least it doesn't make you seem like a pansy, eh?

Belinda, thanks for stopping by. And thanks for the invite, too, I look forward to reading your blog. :)

jana bananas said...

What a cutie!

Emily said...

Hey! Your son is adorable. He is the most precious thing I have ever seen. And I think you're a wonderful mom. :)

Krystle said...

This is one of my favorite posts...Correction: My FAVORITE post! He shares my birthday! I am so happy for you. There is such a huge part of me that has wanted to have children, but the prospect frightens me. Would I be a good mom? Would he/she be raised in a healthy and happy environment?...etc. You are simply amazing, and I have to agree that recovery is not always just for us...plus, I think we can make exceptions for our children. He is indeed a gift, and I hope to be half as wonderful at realizing this on a daily basis (should I be lucky enough to have children of my own) as you are, Brie. Keep up the wonderful progress, love. ♥

KC Elaine said...

what a wonderful post! what an amazing son! what a loving mom! such cuties you both are!

Tiptoe said...

This is a great post. Cade is a cutie-pie, and I know he thinks his mom is wonderful. It's wonderful you have him in your life. Even though recovery does need to be for us, sometimes it's knowing that there is something/someone else out there beyond ourselves that can keep us going, can make a difference.

By the way, Happy Belated Birthday. For the record, you're the only one I know with a July 28th birthday ;-)

Penny said...

Well, as a unbiased Grandma i have to agree with everyone that Cade is the cutest! And I love that he loves me too!!Thanks for sharing him and I love watching you become quite an amazing Mom. A shoe fetish is fine compared to what it could be. (by the way, his beautiful eyes are yours' and his eyelashes are from Brandon). I hope that you are both proud.

Krista said...

AMEN to wanting to get better for your child. I understand and too disagree with professionals on only doing it for yourself. Cade is adorable. I think he looks like you.

alriggells said...

I too need to apologize for not wishing you a happy birthday. Lately things have slipped my mind left and right. I am so sorry but hope that you know that I love you with all my heart and am sorry for being such an absent minded friend.

I am taken back by this post. You are a stunning writer, and I am so happy for you. I know that your love for your little man and your hubby is amazing and true. I am so happy that you have them in your life cause you deserve such pure happiness as they offer. Your family is so cute and amazing. I love you all. Thank you for this post I needed a reminder of what family does for us and the importance of our families. Also the reminder of the children we have in our lives. Thank you

Sarah said...

he's gorgeous, just like his mama.

Happy birthday to you both. I hope this is an amazing year for you.

xoxo

Tanya said...

Brie, I am so glad to say that I am glad you have Cade as well. You deserve something so wonderful as he is. And I don't care what they say...I say you can totally find recovery by seeing how your ed hurts those you love most. Because you may start the fight to keep them from the pain, but you end up keeping up the fight so that you can be with them just a little longer...

Hugs...

Laura said...

We need to get out little men together...Luke loves, LOVE, LOOOOOVES my shoes!! High heels, and boots. Usually, a different style on each foot.
Love this post...
xo
foodie

Laura said...

I always need to correct my typos...
that should read "our" not "out"
I feel like by typing "out", I was referring to "getting them out of the closet!"(not that there's anything wrong with that!)
xo

Jordan and Amy said...

Oh, your cute blog about Cade made me want to cry! He is sooo stinkin cute! I love that he has an obsession with shoes and picks out a pair for you to wear everyday. I'm also glad that I'm not the only one that doesn't enjoy camping (referring to the comment you left on my blog) It makes me feel... not so bad I guess.

Love-Aims

Stacy said...

kids are so amazing and inspire such wonderful things within us. You can just feel the love in every letter you wrote. Cade is lucky to have such a loving mama (even if he says no mo, mama. I am in trouble when Haylie starts to talk)

Recoverig for your kids is like recovering for yourself.. they are part of you. and they are part of life and to recover is to truly live.
I love being a mama too!

Heather said...

Wow Brie....I loved this post. It almost made me cry cuz it was so touching.

Laur said...

It is truly amazing how these little tykes, only a couple feet tall, are able to change our lives in such an enormous way.
I always say that when I met Corey I thought I could never love anyone as much as I loved him. I thought I had truly found what love was....boy was I wrong, as much as I love Corey, my heart has expanded EVEN MORE now that Conner has become my son. I hear that you can love your subsequent children just as much as you love your first, I guess that will be my next surprise if and when another child comes into my life. I just can't imagine loving another child the way I love Conner.
Give Caders a kiss from me, I love him, even when he is grouchy at me and Conner :)