Friday, July 18, 2008

Some Glad, Some Bad

We’ll start with the glad:

I have had an overwhelming outpouring of love and insight and inspiration regarding my last post. Here is a part of a comment that was left for me that meant very much to me. It was written by my DDH (dear, dear husband) and really, it pertains to us all – we all help each other in our fight against Ed, do we not? I have been surprised and delighted at the solace and support I have found in the blogosphere. He writes:

Sweety…amazing how you write what you write, just amazing. There is no doubt that there is a battle going on inside of you. It shows in everything you do. It shows in your last blog. That blog spoke of hope and of defeat, though I know hope is what is to be taken and understood. It did convey your battle. We all have our own battlefields. I may not be fighting inside of yours, but I fight a battle on the other side of the hill next to you. I fight to try to hold back things that will make your battle harder. Sometimes it can seem like I am fighting an army and sometimes it can feel like I am fighting a man or two. But whatever I can kill and defeat and stop from coming over the hill into your battle, I try my best to do. Sometimes I can look down the hill at you in your own struggles and see you squashing them. There are some struggles that used to be difficult for you, that now mostly shrink away in your presence, and there are some that are still big and hard for you. Sometimes I see you fighting hard and sweating and screaming and suddenly my fight becomes easy. Other times I see you turn around and walk away with your head down, and my fight becomes impossible to win. I have to give everything I have to stay in the fight myself. I won’t ever leave it, never, but I take injuries, and I get hurt.
…Anyway, enough Braveheart for this email
…I have heard the question from you before, what if I can’t recover? What if I never recover? …It is not the right question [to be asking]. You should not worry about it like it is already decided. You should just start making decisions that help tip the scale [no pun intended, I’m sure] so that you can recover. It is all about what you are doing right now, today. What you do tomorrow will be based on what you did today. You can’t get there without just doing the small things you know you need to and building on them every single day…
…You can recover you can be the new Brie and be her well. You can attach anything you want to the “you can…” and still be able to do it. Pick up your weapons (me, your mom, treatment team, family, close friends) and pick up your secret weapon (Caden, Jane, Sadie) and fight until there is nothing left to fight against. I swear to you that I will never ever give up on you or walk away from you. NEVER. Will you swear to yourself the same?
I love you so much. I look up to you; I envy you even when I see who you are. Please step into this world and rock me hard. Please take me by storm. Please leave a wake of things that don’t matter anymore behind us, and take me with you somewhere else.

Whew. Husband is amazing. And there was so much wisdom, there, that I hope helped you, perhaps, a bit too. I know that I will always help fight the battles of my friends and all of you who struggle. It’s a matter of not surrendering ourselves to our own war, and helping each other along the way. And therein lies victory, baby.

I’d also like to give a quick shout-out to so many of my neighbors and friends and relatives who have helped me during this time. You have all somehow just known that I needed something, a little extra, to make it through. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers.

More glad:
Bran and I are seeing Dark Knight tonight. Me thinky I’m very excited! An actual movie! WOW. With a small man-child around, it gets very difficult to do such things…

Even more glad:
Here are some pics my sis-in-law posted on our family blog from our weekend trip to ID last weekend. We had a lot of fun with their cute little family
Here we are eating snowcones and cooling off. From left to right, my sis-in-law Emily, me, Husband, and my little bro-in-law Bryson.

The boys. Brandon's face is both mildly alarming AND amusing, and Em's husband Craig is in the middle with the, what is it, badminton racket?

Here we are at the gorge. I'm stressed that Cade never looks cute in any pics. Smiling, apparently, is not his thing.

Okay, so this is really funny. Small animals/human beings scare Cade - he does not like them at all. So Blake (my cute little nephew) freaked the poor tike out. This was the closest I'd ever seen Cade let Blake get to him. One day, though, I swear, they'll be best buddies. My fingers are crossed that my kid will one day not be socially retarded...

Okay, well shoot, sheriff. Onto the bad:
My allergies are disgusting. When I blow my nose, the sound is, (and I’m not joking) comparable to that of a fire alarm, or maybe a small earthquake. And, I can barely talk. Pinch your nose and say Brie’s amazing! See how cuh-cuh that sounds? Well, I’m nearly 17 times worse than that. I have to teach a lesson in church on Sunday, too. What if my ward peeps can’t understand me? At this point, it’s entirely possible. Nothing works, btw. Nothing. Modern medicine, in the case of my allergies, blows hardcore.

The really bad:
Sonny (the small, adorable kitty) is going to another family today. The decision was very tough, and honestly not something I can go into detail or else I’ll start, like, doing this massive sob/chest heaving cry, but two giant fat kitty lovers are enough. I delight in their fat and their fur, and I don’t need a third. I rescued Sonny for him, not for me. And they give me debilitating asthma and hives and allergies – hence the above bad news. I think this is a small step in me taking care of myself, for if I give the little sweetie away, I believe that a little less cat fur around the house can help with the aforementioned allergies. I know he’ll be okay. Am I bad person for doing this? It’s just…I already feed all the skinny kitties in my neighborhood, because I need to save innocent things, but Sonny going to a good family is okay, right? Someone else can save him? …I feel like such a bad person.

Well suck. I need to end on a glad. How about…um…it’s Friday. Yeah, that’ll do. :) Have a great weekend everybody. Iknow that I, for one, plan on having a great time tonight. :)


kristin said...

I don't think you're a bad person for giving Sonny to a good home at all. I think that you did a good thing by rescuing Sonny. You saved Sonny and now you're giving him to a family who can continue to give him a good life and home. I admire you for taking in a kitty and giving the gift of a kitten to a good family.

Take care, Brie.

Oh, and, I have another glad for you: only one week until the XF movie premieres! ;)

love, kristin

Emily said...

Wow, Brandon is amazing. You scored yourself a good one, Brie! :)

I'm sorry you are giving up Sonny. But it's probably for the best, what with your severe allergies and all. He'll go to a good home, I am sure of it. I don't think you are a bad person for doing this. I think it's good that you did it sooner rather than later, so Sonny wouldn't get too attached to your family and then be given away when he's older.

emo said...

Hey Brie!

I was happy to see you posted those pics and I was mentioned on your blog...pretty cool!
Yeah, it is funny how Cade is afraid of Blake because Blake's face seems to light up when he sees Caden,probably because my poor kid doesn't get out and make friends. I think they will like each other more later.
Thanks for visiting us, it was nice hanging out with you.

Krista said...

Okay I am writing this comment to Brandon.

Thanks for what you sharded with Brie. A long time ago, right after I left CFC, one of the techs there told me that this was only the begining of my journey and that in order to succeed I would need to give up even the little things. That has been so so so hard for me to do and I think it has been my down fall and the reason for so many of my relapses. Thank you for reminding me of this. I feel like I relate alot to Brie's family situation because I am married and have one son the same age as Cade. I like to think of him too as my secret weapon. Brie is so lucky to have your support. I wish I could be as open an honest with my husband as she is with you because deep down I know he will support me and love me. I am just so affraid of hurting him and disappointing him. It is so true that you husbands have a battle all your own in watching those you love suffer. You are indeed lucky to have Brie for a wife. She shows courage and a will to fight that inspires so many. Thanks for letting us all be a part of her life.


Keely said...

Is sonny totem?

zubeldia said...

aw, Brie, how beautiful.. what a lovely note from Bran. So much love, my girl. I am GLAD, really glad, that you're taking care of yourself with Sonny. It's so sad, but your health is crucial, and he will find some peace away from your snivels!!! Of course he will miss you, and you him, but you did the right thing, honey.

Love, love, love. Z

Penny said...

I am amazingly overwhelmled with the awesomeness of both Bran and Brie. What you are learning about the point and purpose of life is preparing you both to be beacons to so many. You both are to me. I'll never forget how you are fighting together and in the end your lives will be intertwined and you will have learned so much and you will be stronger and different than you ever would have been. Brie, I like the idea of transforming rather than recovering. Great new concept for me. I'm learning and changing myself and my life too from reading your blog. I appreciate everyone who responds and for all of the insights.

brie said...

Thanks all for making me feel better about Sonny. I cried a lot yesterday, but he's going to a good home, and I know he'll be okay. I still can't think about it though, so I'm going to move on...

Krista, my hubby was so floored at what you wrote - he was very grateful for the things you said, and he asked me to tell you thank you.

Love you all!