Caden's Firsts

In the past week, Caden has both started Kindergarten and soccer.  Now, you have to know that my little man has some wicked anxiety - so starting new things, while a breeze for other kids, is a big deal and brings an enormous amount of anxiety for my guy.  So, yesterday as I watched Cade walk into Kindergarten all by himself, and with him acting so brave, filled this mommy's heart with so much pride for my little guy.  I didn't even cry because I was so proud of him, and I was scared that if I cried, he would too! 

Cade on his first day of school

Soccer has been scary for him too. In fact, during his first game, he only played about once, and it lasted all of about 45 seconds, and he wouldn't stop crying and telling me and Brandon that he was "scared." So for his second game on Saturday, Brandon and I took him there with no expectations. We had tried disciplining him and incentivizing him and bribing him and threatening him, and nothing worked - he would NOT play. But on Saturday, he just surprised us both by playing the majority of the time with no tears or anxiety - we were floored, and incredibly proud of him. For parents with kids who have no anxiety, this is not a big deal...but for us? We couldn't have been more proud of him, even if he had won the freaking Nobel Peace Prize. We love you Cade. :)

Cade is #4

Mila Smiles...

I managed to catch this photo of Mila, and I couldn't stop laughing.  Between the double chin, dimples, and baby acne, her facial expressions are getting hilarious.  Don't you agree?

And here's one more, just so you know she can look normal.  :)

4 Weeks Old, and an Update

It's been so long since I've posted anything of substance.  I think I've kind of been trying to survive, and adjust to Mila being here, so I've been a little distracted.  So here's a bit of an update:

Mila, 4 weeks old

Mila is 4 weeks old today.  Can you believe it?  I can't believe it's already been that long!  We love having her around, though it's definitely been an adjustment.  By far, of course, the hardest thing for Brandon and I to get used to is having our sleep so disrupted.  It's been really hard for us both to acclimate to waking up every 2-3 hours to feed the little chica.  I'm always in need of sleep, and fantasize about being able to sleep for like 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep...but of course that can't happen, as I have, you know, the milk that she needs.  Oh well.

Breastfeeding is going better, but still not great.  I think I can officially say that I am neither that great at breastfeeding, nor do I particularly enjoy it like some women do.  I've been having a bit of trouble with producing enough breastmilk for Mila, so that's sucked.  I'm trying to increase my food intake in the hopes that will help, but it's been rough.  Thankfully my, er, nipples are starting to feel a bit better, which is good, because I swear I was like convinced they were going to fall off or something - that's how bad they hurt.  Anyway, breasfeeding is like this art that I just don't get.  I won't lie.  I'm glad I can breastfeed Mila, because I know it's good for her, and she much prefers it over a bottle, but it's still harder than I remembered or expected.  Hopefully it'll continue to get easier.

I think I'm definitely struggling with some depression.  I don't know if it's post-partum, or if it's just my regular 'ol depression, or what, but it's kind of been bringing me down.  I cry a lot.  I just feel so tired, and I know the lack of sleep isn't helping either.  At what point does depression after a baby become defined as post-partum depression?  I'm not sure.  My anxiety has been on the rise too, and it's mostly all centered around Mila.  I obsess and worry constantly about her safety and health, to the point that it's getting a little out of control.  I have nightmares most nights that something bad is happening to her, that I can't protect her and keep her safe.  The all-knowing therapist tells me that it's probably pretty normal to feel this way, both because I have a new baby, but also because I lost Kendall, but it's been tough.  And scary.

My cute kids

And body image?  DON'T GET ME STARTED.  I'm really struggling with that, too.  Most of my pre-pregnancy clothes still don't fit, and I've never weighed this much in my entire life, so it's really really hard.  I know I need to be patient, but it's hard to remember that when I wake up in the morning and begin the grueling task of trying to find something to wear.  :(

But, despite most of the above paragraphs that articulate how hard things are, I'm happy.  :)  I am.  I love having Mila in our family, and things feel more complete with her around.  Cade is just falling in love with her now, and gives her kisses and helps me out by putting her binky in her mouth or grabbing me a diaper.  I'm excited to see what a good father Brandon is going to be to our daughter, too.  He is just smitten with her.  :)

So that's it.  This is getting long, but I'll try to be better about posting a little more often. 

Sleeping Sistas

I've been quiet lately.

I'm just so tired.

So, instead of blogging, I'm going to try to do a little bit more of this:

More later.  xoxo

Miss Mila (Finally!) Opens her Eyes

I realized I've never really posted a picture of Mila with her eyes open - the little stinker sleeps so much, but today I was able to capture this captivating shot.  Isn't she beautiful?  :)

Saturday Afternoon Pictures

No real post from me today.  I'm honestly feeling out of it.  I think things will get easier as we get Mila on a schedule, but for now things still feel up in the air and it's hard to adjust.  I've actually been sleeping all day because I was up with Mila for the better part of the night, so I'm feeling a little grouchy and tired.  I just need to get settled and adjust, I'm sure things will get better...

Here are a few pics we took yesterday, as we were leaving for my nephew's baptism.  Isn't Mila's dress DARLING?






A Post-Baby Update

She looks so small in the crib!

Well, settling into life and a routine with two children has gone well – for the most part. I am actually really grateful that Cade is older, because he is so gentle and kind around Mila, and doesn’t hurt or bug her in any way. At first he all but ignored her, but now he is starting to talk to her and smile at her and touch her head gently, which I’m happy he’s learning to do. I think at first he was a bit intimidated and scared of her, honestly, but now he seems to be adjusting well. I think there are moments when he gets a little jealous, but for the most part he is being a trooper, and I’m happy for that. Cade’s 5th birthday is tomorrow; I can’t believe my little boy is going to be so big. He’s starting Kindergarten in the fall, and I’m just thinking, where did the time go? How is my little boy not so little anymore? How am I old enough to have a child in school? That sounds so WEIRD.

Miss Mila is doing great. I took her to the pediatrician for a weight check, and she’s only lost 6 oz, so she’s down to 7 lbs, but she’s eating like a champ, and her doc expects her to be back up to her birth weight by her two week checkup. Last night she slept from 11 pm to 4 am, and I am astounded that she already slept 5 consecutive hours – it was amazing! I’m not optimistic that it’s a trend that will continue, though I’d love that – but still, it was a nice reprieve from waking up every two hours to feed her. Speaking of feeding her: breastfeeding is really, really hard. :( I find it excruciating. Literally, it feels like a bear cub is gnawing on my nipples. GNAWING. And…no one talks about how much breast-feeding hurts. But it does. And I’m not saying it’s not worth it, because I want Mila to nurse; I like the idea that I can provide something for my baby to grow healthy and strong that no one else can give her – I WANT to nurture her – but I just wish it wasn’t such a painful process. I know it will get easier, but at the moment, Girlfriend is in serious pain over here. How can something that is so small and has no teeth hurt so much?! Hooooooly guacamole.

Mommy and Mila

I’m trying to be patient with my body. It definitely doesn’t look cute and skinny right now, so that’s been a challenge; having the patience to just give it time to get back to where I was, but more slowly. My uterus is still big, so I look about 4 months pregnant still, and that’s been hard – I mean, it doesn’t matter how much I suck in my tummy, that sucka ain’t going away, at least not for a week or two. My dietician has put me on a mealplan that isenough to sustain me while I’m breast-feeding, and I’ll admit that it seems like an awful lot of food, but I am following it because I really and truly want to do what is best for Mila, and I DO NOT want to relapse. There are no thoughts in my brain about going all anorexic again – nuh uh. I really think I’m FINALLY moving past all that stupid crap. So yes, I do want my old, pre-pregnant body back (the healthy one, not the anorexic one) but NO I do not want to resort to eating disorder behaviors, like I did post-Cade, to get there. So, the main thing I think I need right now is patience, because the weight will come off me, but in following this mealplan my dietician has given me, it won’t happen super quickly. It just won’t. And I need to be okay with that.

No Post-Partum Depression to speak of either, though I will say that I think my anxiety is a little higher than normal, but I really think that a combination of falling hormones and lack of sleep is making me a bit nutty. But…in general? I am just so happy with my family. I already can’t imagine how I ever lived without Mila in our little family. It feels really right to just…I dunno…feel content. I like it. :)

And, lastly, I got my haircut today. Mama needed a change. I cut off almost 4 inches and got bangs. You likey?

Enjoy some more pics of Baby Mila. I hope you can’t get enough of her, because at the rate I’m taking pictures, you’re going to be getting a lot more!

I've decided Mila looks absolutely lovely in lavender!