|Mila, 4 weeks old|
Breastfeeding is going better, but still not great. I think I can officially say that I am neither that great at breastfeeding, nor do I particularly enjoy it like some women do. I've been having a bit of trouble with producing enough breastmilk for Mila, so that's sucked. I'm trying to increase my food intake in the hopes that will help, but it's been rough. Thankfully my, er, nipples are starting to feel a bit better, which is good, because I swear I was like convinced they were going to fall off or something - that's how bad they hurt. Anyway, breasfeeding is like this art that I just don't get. I won't lie. I'm glad I can breastfeed Mila, because I know it's good for her, and she much prefers it over a bottle, but it's still harder than I remembered or expected. Hopefully it'll continue to get easier.
I think I'm definitely struggling with some depression. I don't know if it's post-partum, or if it's just my regular 'ol depression, or what, but it's kind of been bringing me down. I cry a lot. I just feel so tired, and I know the lack of sleep isn't helping either. At what point does depression after a baby become defined as post-partum depression? I'm not sure. My anxiety has been on the rise too, and it's mostly all centered around Mila. I obsess and worry constantly about her safety and health, to the point that it's getting a little out of control. I have nightmares most nights that something bad is happening to her, that I can't protect her and keep her safe. The all-knowing therapist tells me that it's probably pretty normal to feel this way, both because I have a new baby, but also because I lost Kendall, but it's been tough. And scary.
|My cute kids|
And body image? DON'T GET ME STARTED. I'm really struggling with that, too. Most of my pre-pregnancy clothes still don't fit, and I've never weighed this much in my entire life, so it's really really hard. I know I need to be patient, but it's hard to remember that when I wake up in the morning and begin the grueling task of trying to find something to wear. :(
But, despite most of the above paragraphs that articulate how hard things are, I'm happy. :) I am. I love having Mila in our family, and things feel more complete with her around. Cade is just falling in love with her now, and gives her kisses and helps me out by putting her binky in her mouth or grabbing me a diaper. I'm excited to see what a good father Brandon is going to be to our daughter, too. He is just smitten with her. :)
So that's it. This is getting long, but I'll try to be better about posting a little more often.