Wednesday, August 24, 2011

4 Weeks Old, and an Update

It's been so long since I've posted anything of substance.  I think I've kind of been trying to survive, and adjust to Mila being here, so I've been a little distracted.  So here's a bit of an update:

Mila, 4 weeks old
Mila is 4 weeks old today.  Can you believe it?  I can't believe it's already been that long!  We love having her around, though it's definitely been an adjustment.  By far, of course, the hardest thing for Brandon and I to get used to is having our sleep so disrupted.  It's been really hard for us both to acclimate to waking up every 2-3 hours to feed the little chica.  I'm always in need of sleep, and fantasize about being able to sleep for like 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep...but of course that can't happen, as I have, you know, the milk that she needs.  Oh well.

Breastfeeding is going better, but still not great.  I think I can officially say that I am neither that great at breastfeeding, nor do I particularly enjoy it like some women do.  I've been having a bit of trouble with producing enough breastmilk for Mila, so that's sucked.  I'm trying to increase my food intake in the hopes that will help, but it's been rough.  Thankfully my, er, nipples are starting to feel a bit better, which is good, because I swear I was like convinced they were going to fall off or something - that's how bad they hurt.  Anyway, breasfeeding is like this art that I just don't get.  I won't lie.  I'm glad I can breastfeed Mila, because I know it's good for her, and she much prefers it over a bottle, but it's still harder than I remembered or expected.  Hopefully it'll continue to get easier.

I think I'm definitely struggling with some depression.  I don't know if it's post-partum, or if it's just my regular 'ol depression, or what, but it's kind of been bringing me down.  I cry a lot.  I just feel so tired, and I know the lack of sleep isn't helping either.  At what point does depression after a baby become defined as post-partum depression?  I'm not sure.  My anxiety has been on the rise too, and it's mostly all centered around Mila.  I obsess and worry constantly about her safety and health, to the point that it's getting a little out of control.  I have nightmares most nights that something bad is happening to her, that I can't protect her and keep her safe.  The all-knowing therapist tells me that it's probably pretty normal to feel this way, both because I have a new baby, but also because I lost Kendall, but it's been tough.  And scary.

My cute kids

And body image?  DON'T GET ME STARTED.  I'm really struggling with that, too.  Most of my pre-pregnancy clothes still don't fit, and I've never weighed this much in my entire life, so it's really really hard.  I know I need to be patient, but it's hard to remember that when I wake up in the morning and begin the grueling task of trying to find something to wear.  :(

But, despite most of the above paragraphs that articulate how hard things are, I'm happy.  :)  I am.  I love having Mila in our family, and things feel more complete with her around.  Cade is just falling in love with her now, and gives her kisses and helps me out by putting her binky in her mouth or grabbing me a diaper.  I'm excited to see what a good father Brandon is going to be to our daughter, too.  He is just smitten with her.  :)

So that's it.  This is getting long, but I'll try to be better about posting a little more often. 


Kerri said...

Aww- she looks like you! Breastfeeding is really hard. I remember being in a lot of pain in the beginning too. The no sleep and being the only one that can feed your baby is rough, but it really is only for a short time, even if it doesn't seem so right now. My little man will be 7 in October (only child as I am now single) and sometimes I just wish for a day where I could have my baby back to nurse and cuddle with. The post baby body thing- well, I can't say much, 7 years on and I am still dealing with that due to some very severe stretch marks and the fear of starting to date again. I just do my best to remember without all that, my baby wouldn't be here! Anyway, Mila is beautiful- congrats again. You are doing great. :D

Will said...

talk to your dr. next time you go in. The sadness/over the top worrying can def. be a sign of post partum.
Drink TONS of water and I suggest eating Oatmeal in the morning to help with production. The more you nurse, the more you produce so even though it isn't that fun- nurse and then use your pump (if you have one) to nurse for 5 or 10 more minutes.