Sunday, July 29, 2012
I said it.
I freaking said it.
I have lost a significant amount of weight in a fairly short period of time.
I was referring to what was happening as a "slip," but it's not. My therapist is right; it's a "relapse."
I am on official weight gain and am eating a large mealplan plus drinking four Boost Pluses a day to gain weight. I am committed to gaining the weight and am literally stuffing my face with food. Because I am so tall and naturally thin and have the metabolism of Lance Armstrong, it takes A LOT of calories to get me to gain.
And in all of this...I keep thinking...
WHY AM I RELAPSING? WHY DID I DO THIS? WHY DID I DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN?
And all I can come up with is...
I'm so angry. I'm angry at my friends who refuse to get better, and at Kendall for not being here, and at myself. Mostly at myself. Because I cannot get better. Because I have this amazing life, but continually ruin it over and over again with the devastating affects of anorexia.
I KNOW I don't value being thin over being happy and being a healthy and competent parent to my children. Yet I let this "slip" get worse and worse, until my BMI has officially put me in the criteria for anorexia. And, the affects are here: I am anxious and irritable and focused on my body. I am grouchy and preoccupied. I have headaches, I get dizzy. I am taking antibiotics to get over a bladder infection, which for me, is a classic and very common symptom I get when I am restricting and dehydrated.
I hate this. I hate how I am.
So I am fixing it. I am fixing what my denial did. I am fixing the stupid justifications I made to myself when I would skip a meal or a snack, that always added up to more and more restricting. I am fixing the lies I told to my dietician and therapist. I am fixing my damaged relationships.
And it takes a lot longer to fix something than it takes to break it.
So I am here, wandering, looking at the devastating mess I've made. And I WILL fix it. I have to.
BUT I have to end this post by telling you I am fixing this. That it's not just empty words. That I am gaining weight. That I am going into therapy and figuring out why this relapse happened.
I'm not going to give up.
And I thank you for your love and support.
© blogalisciousness by brie at 9:10 PM