Sunday, July 29, 2012

Tell it Like it is

I have relapsed.
There.

I said it.
I freaking said it.

I have lost a significant amount of weight in a fairly short period of time.

I was referring to what was happening as a "slip," but it's not.  My therapist is right; it's a "relapse."

I am on official weight gain and am eating a large mealplan plus drinking four Boost Pluses a day to gain weight.  I am committed to gaining the weight and am literally stuffing my face with food.  Because I am so tall and naturally thin and have the metabolism of Lance Armstrong, it takes A LOT of calories to get me to gain.

And in all of this...I keep thinking...

WHY AM I RELAPSING?  WHY DID I DO THIS?  WHY DID I DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN?

And all I can come up with is...
ANGER.
I'm so angry.  I'm angry at my friends who refuse to get better, and at Kendall for not being here, and at myself.  Mostly at myself.  Because I cannot get better.  Because I have this amazing life, but continually ruin it over and over again with the devastating affects of anorexia.

I KNOW I don't value being thin over being happy and being a healthy and competent parent to my children.  Yet I let this "slip" get worse and worse, until my BMI has officially put me in the criteria for anorexia.  And, the affects are here: I am anxious and irritable and focused on my body.  I am grouchy and preoccupied.  I have headaches, I get dizzy.  I am taking antibiotics to get over a bladder infection, which for me, is a classic and very common symptom I get when I am restricting and dehydrated.

I hate this.  I hate how I am.

So I am fixing it.  I am fixing what my denial did.  I am fixing the stupid justifications I made to myself when I would skip a meal or a snack, that always added up to more and more restricting.  I am fixing the lies I told to my dietician and therapist.  I am fixing my damaged relationships.

And it takes a lot longer to fix something than it takes to break it.

So I am here, wandering, looking at the devastating mess I've made.  And I WILL fix it.  I have to. 

BUT I have to end this post by telling you I am fixing this.  That it's not just empty words.  That I am gaining weight.  That I am going into therapy and figuring out why this relapse happened.
I'm not going to give up.
And I thank you for your love and support.

XO

25 comments:

Laur said...

hugs

I have found transitions to be very difficult.

I don't even normally restrict, but when I started the job I am at now, about 4 years ago, I was anxious as I adjusted to the new job and new routine, and I lost my appetite, and I knew when I skipped snacks and meals that I shouldn't, but I did, and while I didn't get to the point where my BMI was underweight, it was noticeable enough to my friends and Dr.

You are doing exactly the right things, working with your team on this.

It's just a time you really need to tighten down on recovery work!

You're still working hard!

Brandon said...

You will be unlimited. What you just did is sometimes the hardest part. I love you!

Lou said...

Thank you for being honest. I am sorry I don't have anything to say that would be remotely helpful, but I will be cheering you on while you fight back :)

alriggells said...

I love you girl!!! And remember people believe in you, I believe in you 150%. You can and you are doing it for you, for your family, for happiness.

katiemacgregor said...

Not that it's even a great club to be in (because der it's not), but join the club :( Except I haven't yet been as brave as you have just been, & told the people who matter to me the truth. In fact, I'm fairly sure I even have my therapist conned at this point. Which is killing me.

My Boosts & Fortisips & Sustagens & Resources & Ensures are stacking up in the cupboard (while I lie & keep taking new deliveries because of course I'm consuming them), & damn it, it's time I start actually drinking them.

So, woman! Here's to you. Here's to you being brave enough to share your truth. Which in turn inspires me to cut the crap & get back to REAL life. Race you to weight restored! ;)
x

katiemacgregor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
beam said...

Several of my relapses truly were unconscious. I would have a lot of stressful things going on, wasn't paying attention to nutrition, and would find myself in a relapse. Again I was reminded nutrition must be an intentional part of every day, regardless of how long I've been weight restored.

I'm glad you wrote this post. Your motivation to attack the problem is inspiring! Hope you have a good day and week.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

It takes guts to write a post like this. I recognize that and want you to know you are brave. And I see it. I see you, Brie, you brave woman.

I think spilling your guts here (now that it's a safe blog) will help motivate you towards health again. And after all, we know you can do it, because you've done it before! Keep your supports close, be on your guard for that pesky jerk of an eating disorder, and just keep being true. Truthful to yourself above all.

I am sending good thoughts your way (really I am) and I hope things start looking up.

Elizabeth said...

Don't blame yourself for the relapse.. The best you can do is to be responsible for picking up the pieces. And from what I can tell, you're doing a really good job fighting for that to happen. It's inspiring. Don't beat yourself up.. Just do the next right thing. Take it steps at a time.. I know you can do it :)
PS Mila is THE CUTEST!

simonattic said...

Good for being being honest!

This game is no fun. : (

But I know you can get back on the right track. Do you think maybe you have too much going on? New job, big move, raising 2 kids......that's a lot!

Be hard on yourself in a GOOD way....don't let this drag you down and beat you up. I think pretty much everyone in recovery from an Ed relapses.....the important part is you recognize it and tackle it before it gets too bad. Sounds like you're doing that! : )

brie said...

thanks all, so, so much. really. you have no idea how ashamed i have been to admit this on my blog.

but i am doing it. i am fighting. and i will come through. :)

Elissa said...

Brie, I am thinking of you and wish that I had your strength and honesty. I miss you! I wish I knew what to say but I don't except stay strong.

Colleen said...

You are brave, B, and you are strong, too.
I believe that you are able to, and will become Healthy Brie again.
Prayers & love to you <3

Liz said...

My heart goes out to you. It's not always mentioned but sometimes relapse is a part of recovery. I know it hurts but sometimes you have to fall in order to regain your footing. But you are strong and have a strong support team and I fully believe that you can overcome this. Thank you so much for your courage to share this. I have faith that this will make you even stronger. I'll be saying prayers for you.

Erica Butterfield said...

Thank you for your honesty! Sometimes the hardest part is owning your crap and the things you do. But that is the first step to getting anywhere is owning your business. Own your sucesses and your failures...they both lead to progress :)

Tylaine said...

Brie it is amazingly courageous to admit this on your blog and I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I know you can do this if you truly put your mind to it. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful woman and mother. Love you!!

Frustrated Unemployed Actress said...

Proud of you for telling the truth. Keep working at it - recovery is a process. You can do it.

ania said...

Dear Brie,

This will be a time that you look back to. It doesn't define you. I promise.

I'm glad that you aren't (in the end) pushing away your team and support system.

Hang in there, my girl.

With care,

ania said...

I intended to add, you have had Major Life Events going on. That's surely a factor.

ElanaFaye said...

I love Erica's comment above, 'Own your sucesses and your failures...they both lead to progress'. It's SO true. Sometimes we have to take one step back to take two steps forward. It will all be worth it in the end. You are stronger then you know. You ARE good.

Krista said...

Don't give up. Relapsing is part of the recovery process. Learn from it and don't stay in it too long. You are a strong mamma!

Brittney said...

I don't really have anything profound to say but I did want to tell you that you are awesome and you can overcome this! I will be thinking of you. I think it is awesome that you faced this and didn't let it continue!

bri said...

Brie Brie....u are amazing that is such a huge step!!!! I am so proud of u and totally respect and look up to u for your honesty. I am always here for u and am positive u can do it ive seen u wrk ur ass off in recovery and i know for a fact u are one of the strongest girls i know!!! Love u!!

Adam and Cassie said...

Food=Life
Keep it up girl, you got this

Stacy said...

I am just now seeing this... You are doing well by fixing it and reaching out.. I hope things get better as life becomes more stable.... hugs. you are so worth it.