So, I originally got my new job because we needed the extra money financially. With our new mortgage, and the expenses of moving into a new home, especially with all the furniture we need to buy, we don't really have any wiggle room. Brandon's paycheck can cover all this, so we'd be golden, IF I didn't need any eating disorder treatment. But paying for therapy, dietary, and group therapy is EXPENSIVE. And we've been able to easily afford it thus far because we live in my parent's basement, and no rent is a huge perk. But that is all changing.
So I thought a lot about maybe wondering if it was time to try things on my own, and quit treatment. I thought about it quite a lot actually, but came to the decision that I'm just not yet ready. I am doing SO MUCH better than I was even a couple years ago, but I don't yet think I'm at a place where I could maintain recovery without a support system consisting of my therapist, dietician, and medical doc.
So, once we decided I sill needed treatment, the conundrum of "How the hell do we pay for it?" came up. And, the obvious answer was that I get a job. Actually working my butt off to pay for my treatment I hope will be a good thing, because maybe I'll appreciate it more, and take it less for granted when I know that all of my own time and effort is going into paying for my sessions, so when I walk into them, I don't want to waste them. With Brandon's new job, although it pays great and we are thrilled he has it...meh...their insurance really sucks and my mental health coverage SUCKS even more and so I am going to have to pay the majority of it out of pocket.
So then, once it got time that I actually needed a job, I considered going back into the healthcare field, where I sat in a cubicle all day and stared at a computer, but I couldn't. I just couldn't go back to doing something like that. It didn't excite or fulfill me. I needed something that I looked forward to doing, and that excited me and something that I felt passionate about. And I feel passionate about helping other people. About sharing all that I've learned, and passing it onto them. So, even though I took a huge pay cut for this job, I decided to work at this treatment center.
And I am loving it. I really am.
Recently, the guilt of working and not being around my kids has started to creep in. If I was only working 10-15 hours a week, (like originally planned) I think I'd be okay, but I've been working a lot more than that, and more and more often, I find myself thinking, while at work, how much I miss Cade and Mila and how guilty I feel that I am not with them. And it doesn't help that this week I am working 32 hours. I just have got to pay off my therapy bill! :( But...realistically I know that they are in excellent hands while I am away; either with my mom or Brandon. But it still hurts that I am not with them. :(
Last night while at work, we were in Community, which is basically a group where the girls go around in a circle and say one good thing about their day, one bad thing, tell us their target behavior goal, and say anything that needs to get off their chest. This isn't a group where we give feedback, we just simply listen to each other. And even the staff participates in this group. So, when it got to be my turn, I told them that a good part of my day had been playing basketball with them during P.E., because those chickies can put me through an intense game of Jungle Ball, (!) but then I said that a bad thing about my day was how much I missed my kids. And, right then and there, I COULD have started crying! Obviously I didn't, but I could have. That's how much I missed them and how guilty I felt.
So now I feel torn. I have to keep this job, and I do want to, but I don't know how to reconcile these feelings of guilt that I am not with my kids as much as I used to be. All you working moms out there, I tip my hats off to you. This is some hard crap to deal with.