Friday, July 27, 2012

"I'm Wicked Through and Through"

I am seeing the broadway musical "Wicked" on Saturday.  On my birthday, I get to go see this amazing musical.  And I am beyond thrilled.  Excited.  Giddy and over the moon.

And here's why:

I read the book "Wicked" six or seven years ago.  I remember thinking about was okay.  Kind of weird.  But I guess worth reading.  But as I got into the soundtrack and the musical, and really decided I wanted to see it on Broadway, I decided I wanted to read the book again, just so that when I saw it live, I'd have an idea of what was going on (though I hear the musical adaptation is MUCH different than the book).

So I began to read "Wicked" a second time.

And I bloody well cried my way through the entire book.

Because I am the Wicked Witch of the West.

I started out good.  I started out with passion and with a desire to help other people.  I was fiery and stubborn and obstinate but GOOD.  Inherently good.

But then I was misunderstood.  And that hurt a lot.  And it jaded me. 

And this poor witch, she became bad, but she didn't even mean to be.  Life turned to shit and she threw her hands up in the air and did what she had to do - even if it was bad.  And she became wicked.  Everyone called her wicked, vile, evil.  And so, she began to label herself that way, too.

But never ever, did she really intend to be.   She never intended to be wicked.

And that is me.  I am wicked, though I don't mean to be.  I am bad and I screw everything up and I am misunderstood.

And so, on Saturday, when I see this musical, I am going to sob my way through it.  Because I am the wicked witch.  And I hurt so much.

I'm bad.  But please, please understand that I don't mean to be.  I want to be Good.

I have been sobbing even THINKING about watching the musical.  I finished the book a few nights ago in the middle of the night and pretty well sobbed my way through the rest of the night.  I relate so much to Elphaba, (the Wicked Witch) so much it kills me.  It is hard to read when you feel like you are reading about yourself.  Really upsetting and hurtful things, too.  No, I don't live in Oz, and no, I'm not magical (duh).  But I am different, and I am not "normal," just as she never was.  People label me pretty quickly, before they get to know me.  I am quiet and introverted, so people label me as a snot and that I think I'm better than them.  I am tall and pretty, and so I intimidate people.  I am anorexic, so people think I am off my rocker.

When really?  All I want to be is me.  Just me.  Brie.

And it doesn't end well for her.  You know that she dies in the end.  She dies and it is unfortunate and needless and so painful for her.  But mostly needless.  This person who could have made such a difference in this world, such an impact, dies an early, needless death.

As I am typing this, I am sobbing.

Because I don't want to be wicked.  I don't want to be misunderstood or have my actions misconstrued.  I want to be me.  I want to be a mother.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to be a writer.  I want to be silly and witty and inspiring and helpful.  But right now, all I feel is wicked.

"I'm wicked through and through."

But I don't want to be.  I am scared and I am sad.


Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

I don't see you as wicked, Brie. I see you as thoughtful, intuitive, a good mom. You may have your problems, your struggles, your past - but we all do and it makes you real, human, and actually far more normal than abnormal. I think it may be easier for me to see you for who you really are because I have had my own struggles, because I can relate to a lot of what you've said, because I like to think I always look beyond and into what's inside people. I also think that people who feel threatened will be quick to judge and quick to be mean for the sake of being mean. But I am not threatened by you and in fact, I think we'd be good friends if life had thrown us together. I just want you to know that you are not wicked. You are good. You are real. That said, I don't want to minimize your feelings in relation to the book and how you relate to Elphaba. It's real too and you feel it because you lived it. Just remember that the way you perceive yourself will have a lot to do with the way others choose to perceive you. If you think of yourself as wicked, you teach others to treat you as a broken person. And you will continue to feel misunderstood. I think a lot people who read your blog really "get" you, and the parts they don't get they are willing to try to understand. And that is all we can ask of the world. So don't ask for too much of yourself. I have seen Wicked on Broadway (you're gonna ADORE it!) and I can understand why you would feel such a connection to it. I hear ya, lady. But it's okay to cry. And while you're crying, let go of the Brie who is wicked, who sees herself as wicked. And keep crying for Elphaba, who died misunderstood - because she ran out of time. And leave that theatre feeling freer because YOU have time and YOU don't have to end that way. You know th secret now. And you have the power to be Brie. And everyone else will see it, as YOU keep seeing it. You got this. Love to you.

Colleen said...

hey beautiful girl, i honestly don't have the perfect words and wish that i did... just know that despite what you feel right now, i (along with many others, i'm sure) think you're awesome and incredible, and you rock.
take care <3

Tabatha Bourdel said...

You are a wonderful, caring human being, and your blog is a proof that you do relate to people and feel empathy.
Take care Brie.
And of course, it's perfectly natural and normal to cry if you need to.

Krista said...

I have always loved Wicked, and though I can see how one can relate to Elphaba, that in no way makes you "wicked." Elphaba actually has a lot of wisdom to give. Think of the song "Defying Gravity." So many amazing parts. Here are a few of my favorites.

GLINDA (spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry:(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted:
ELPHABA (spoken) I know: (sung) But I don't want it - No - I can't want it Anymore:Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game."

"Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!"

"I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost!"

As someone told me lately
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back form me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity

I think this could be my life's theme song. I do not believe in my heart that you are wicked, but
remember that "wicked" does not equate to "evil."

Kristin said...

Thank you for your honesty within your blog. I have to believe that the ones in your life who are the ones who really matter like your husband children parents and family love you unconditionally and know of your good kind heart. Having faith in humanity and love I have to believe that even when We are not at our best and screw up those who love us the most will work to give us the benefit of the doubt and extend grace to us just as they would want us to do for them. Have a wonderful birthday with those who love you the most, and to those who have misunderstood you, maybe their opinion doesn't matter all that much anyway

e said...

Hi brie you sound sad, I hope you are ok lots of lv dear xx

Sarah Hope said...

I love Wicked. Love it to pieces. Though I barely know the storyline, I do know every song, all the's a problem. :)

So I have to say I was abundantly surprised when you said you identified with the Wicked Witch of the West, and that you identified with the Wicked part. Mostly because I don't see her as "wicked" (and I have read the book!), I see it as a misnomer.

I love these lines from "defying gravity"

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It makes me think that sometimes we apply "wicked" to the decision to stop playing by the rules, being fully obedient, and "good"...and we call that wicked. When it's's just not.

You my dear, are nothing of wickedness.

You are bravery, smarts, beauty, compassion--and good.

Feel better!