"I'm Wicked Through and Through"

I am seeing the broadway musical "Wicked" on Saturday.  On my birthday, I get to go see this amazing musical.  And I am beyond thrilled.  Excited.  Giddy and over the moon.

And here's why:

I read the book "Wicked" six or seven years ago.  I remember thinking about it...meh...it was okay.  Kind of weird.  But I guess worth reading.  But as I got into the soundtrack and the musical, and really decided I wanted to see it on Broadway, I decided I wanted to read the book again, just so that when I saw it live, I'd have an idea of what was going on (though I hear the musical adaptation is MUCH different than the book).

So I began to read "Wicked" a second time.

And I bloody well cried my way through the entire book.

Because I am the Wicked Witch of the West.

I started out good.  I started out with passion and with a desire to help other people.  I was fiery and stubborn and obstinate but GOOD.  Inherently good.

But then I was misunderstood.  And that hurt a lot.  And it jaded me. 

And this poor witch, she became bad, but she didn't even mean to be.  Life turned to shit and she threw her hands up in the air and did what she had to do - even if it was bad.  And she became wicked.  Everyone called her wicked, vile, evil.  And so, she began to label herself that way, too.

But never ever, did she really intend to be.   She never intended to be wicked.

And that is me.  I am wicked, though I don't mean to be.  I am bad and I screw everything up and I am misunderstood.

And so, on Saturday, when I see this musical, I am going to sob my way through it.  Because I am the wicked witch.  And I hurt so much.

I'm bad.  But please, please understand that I don't mean to be.  I want to be Good.

I have been sobbing even THINKING about watching the musical.  I finished the book a few nights ago in the middle of the night and pretty well sobbed my way through the rest of the night.  I relate so much to Elphaba, (the Wicked Witch) so much it kills me.  It is hard to read when you feel like you are reading about yourself.  Really upsetting and hurtful things, too.  No, I don't live in Oz, and no, I'm not magical (duh).  But I am different, and I am not "normal," just as she never was.  People label me pretty quickly, before they get to know me.  I am quiet and introverted, so people label me as a snot and that I think I'm better than them.  I am tall and pretty, and so I intimidate people.  I am anorexic, so people think I am off my rocker.

When really?  All I want to be is me.  Just me.  Brie.

And it doesn't end well for her.  You know that she dies in the end.  She dies and it is unfortunate and needless and so painful for her.  But mostly needless.  This person who could have made such a difference in this world, such an impact, dies an early, needless death.

As I am typing this, I am sobbing.

Because I don't want to be wicked.  I don't want to be misunderstood or have my actions misconstrued.  I want to be me.  I want to be a mother.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to be a writer.  I want to be silly and witty and inspiring and helpful.  But right now, all I feel is wicked.

"I'm wicked through and through."

But I don't want to be.  I am scared and I am sad.