Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Body Brave

I was thinking last night, as I was trying to fall asleep – but I couldn’t because I needed Tums about every 10 minutes and I had to get up and waddle around to get my back to stop hurting – that I have changed SO much since this blog’s inception in 2007. And yes, I have changed very much emotionally and with my personality, etc, but I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about my body. Physically. Me on the outside.
I’m way different.

Even if I weren’t pregnant, I’d still look quite different – much heavier. And I’m still trying to come to terms with the way my body looks, and I’m trying to be okay with it and not be embarrassed by the way I look. I will admit to you, dear readers, that I still pine a bit for the way I used to look – in that way, I suppose I still idealize the eating disorder. I do not look at picture of models in magazines, or of someone extremely thin and obviously suffering from an eating disorder, and want to look like them – they do not trigger me – but looking at old pictures of myself? Well, that triggers the hell out of me.  Looking at old blog posts is bittersweet for me.  I love to read back on what I used to be doing, and on my old shenanigans, but seeing pictures of me when I was so thin...ouch...

So, you may have noticed (but maybe just been too kind to say anything) that there have been some pictures I’ve posted on my blog recently where I look particularly…big. Pregnant. Unflattering. Whathaveyou. I can think of a few in particular that stick out to me. I don’t know why, but I just want you all to know that I PURPOSELY put those pictures on my blog to show how different I am, and to show you that I’m working on being okay with it. How would this blog be real or genuine at all if I only posted really thin or really flattering pictures of myself?

Truthfully, I’m pretty. I’m not completely unfortunate looking, and for that I’m grateful for. But I’m also not drop dead gorgeous, and I’m not one of those naturally beautiful people who can roll out of bed without any concealer or mascara and look like a bombshell – I’m just not. At night, when I’m going to bed, I look grungy with my hair in a messy pony tail and my makeup smudged off, and I’m okay with that. Because that’s part of who I am – part of the real me. How freaking unrealistic would I be if I only posted glamour shots of me, or if I wouldn’t go out in public until I was perfectly made up? I used to refuse to be seen by anyone until I had my mask on. Now, I’ll throw my hair in a bun and put my Toms and baggy jeans on with my mismatched socks and go to the grocery store with my head held high – I’m just starting to not care. And I’m glad.

So, to be short, I’m trying to be real. Even when the real me is sometimes unflattering or embarrassing. I want to be able to look back on this blog and be proud of the way I looked, whether it’s 6 months pregnant and xx lbs higher than I used to be, or whether I look silly in my I LOVE MY BUMP jammies vegging with Cade. I want to record it all.

My body makes me insecure.
But I’m going to tough it out.
I’m going to be real.
I’m going to be body brave.


jpetroroy said...

First time commented, long time lurker. Just wanted to say how amazing it has been to witness your journey over the years. You are absolutely beautiful in body and spirit, and I'm so impressed with your strength. Pregnancy has got to be an interesting experience, and you seem to be navigating it so well.

battleinmind said...

First things first, you know those pregnancy pictures? You look utterly beautiful. I'm not just saying that, it's the total truth, you look stunning and so radiant in those pictures.

This was a challenging post, maybe because I'm still in that 'can't be seen without a mask' phase. (my ex boyfriend NEVER saw me without make up. Never. Not even when I stayed over at his.)

The fact you are challenging yourself is brilliant. You've come so far.

Sairs said...

You are gorgeous and don't you forget it. Your pregnancy pic in your last post, oh my gosh, you look amazing. It's just that the number is higher that is the thing that is bothering you and that you look down and see a bump. You do look amazing. I know you can't see it now but you will look back on this after bub is born and you will see just how beautiful you looked. It's okay to be heavier when you are preggers, that happens, it's a given. I'd be more worried if you weren't putting on weight. Try and think of it that way. Be gentle with yourself!

Natalie said...

Thank you for sharing! This was incredibly inspirational!

Will said...

I always think people look amazing pregnant. Sure thighs have spread and faces get bigger but there is just a look of accomplishment and proudness of a mom that is this glow that a normal person doesn't have. I mean someone is eating lunch...YOU are making a human. Talk about super powers.
ED or not ppl have issues with their body. Just looking back at high school pics, I wish I was 50 pounds thinner again....BUT I'd rather have my happy little family, my bad hair days, my hate shaving days and just BE rather than go back to high school to have the great body b/c really no one cares but you. We spend so much time thinking about ourselves and feeling bad about ourselves and at the end of life you are never going to wish you were x pds thinner. Ever. It's unimportant. Not to get all religious BUT Satan wants us to feel bad- to waste our time thinking about ourselves and wishing we were different. That isn't what God has planned for us. You have a body that can create LIFE. No matter what it looks like physically, it is AMAZING and should be loved no matter what that $(@*ing scale says!
Cade and B think you are the bomb.

Anonymous said...

Just gotta say that I think your pregnancy pictures are the opposite of unflattering (that is to say they are, um, flattering.) You look absolutely gorgeous and, I gotta say, healthy. Which, of course, makes you all the more pretty.
I understand, though, the pining for the old physical self. That is hard, but it does diminish over time. It takes things like posting up current pics of you, like you're doing. Just keep that up.

Sia Jane said...

I agree on all you say about being real.
I must say though, you are thin.
Very thin.
Despite the pregnancy.
So I wonder how distorted that image if you still is.
I also wish to say, that you can be body brave.
And you can learn to leave the past and not seek out that former self.
Allow yourself to grow - emotionally and physically, because it is truly, the most wonderful thing xxxx

Missy said...

I understand where you are coming from I REALLY do. I REALLY REALLY do.
But please remember that to us? You look...pretty all the time and just fine. You actually look like one of those fortunate skinny pregger girls. It's know...that thing in our head we have to deal with.
That being said, I totally get it. And, it sucks, and even as I write this I know it really makes no difference what I say. (Did I mention I REALLY get it?) But, suffie it to say, we don't notice like you do.
Bl-Love you girl.

Stevie said...

You, Brie, are Awesome. With a capital A and everything.

That is all. :)

Cammy said...

This is an awesome post, although I do not accept the premise that your latest photos have been unflattering or unattractive, you look way more gorgeous pregnant and unmade-up than most people could ever hope for. But still, I know we don't always see ourselves as others do, and it's fantastic that you're putting yourself out there and hanging strong even when insecurity creeps in.

I have a ton of respect for you, B.

Penny said...

This post is one of my favorite that you have ever written. It is real. It is honest and I know how hard it is to be soi real. Thank you for sharing your feelings. You teach me everyday. You are on your way to HERO hood!

rachel said...

I agree with Penny. This is amazing. Way to be brave Brie!

ghost girl said...

This is one of my favorite posts, too. lovely!