29 Weeks

No real pregnancy update from me today, seeing as I’m grouchy and haven’t been in the mood to blog. So, a few pictures and a little complaining will have to suffice:

I’m almost in tears because I’m so freaking pregnant and huge and miserable. Last night I woke up at about 2 am and threw up because I literally had the worst heart burn I’ve ever had in my entire life. I was up for a couple hours, gagging and curled up in a ball, wishing I was lying on a beach somewhere with a flat tummy that was reflux-free. The pain eventually went away after I took a Zofran for nausea and chewed some Tums, but it was brutal. And I’m scared it’s going to happen again tonight. :(

I’m also headed to an emergency appt with my lung doc in about 90 minutes. My asthma has hit and even on all my preventative medication, it feels a bit out of control. So, I worry that if Mommy isn’t getting enough oxygen, Avery isn’t, either. :( If I end up in the hospital again, I’m going to kill someone, I swear I will.

So, I’m a little miserable right now. :/

Anyway, here are a few pics from this week. Avery is a butternut squash this week, which I’m okay with, because at least I’ve finally heard of it and actually eaten one! (Yum yum in my tum with butter and brown sugar!)

The belt accentuated the tummy.  I was in a store and being silly - don't worry, I didn't actually buy it.

The dreaded materntiy bathing suit.

Glucose Gross

The glucose tolerance test you have to take when you’re 28 weeks pregnant is terrible.
Pretty sure I’d rather give a stool sample, or something equally as horrifying.
I drank the sugary stuff and felt nauseous about 10 minutes after swigging it. After an hour of feeling sick, they finally drew my blood, and after I gratefully pulled out the breakfast I’d packed – so happy to finally be able to eat.
Only, I packed more sugar. (Smart Brie)
A bagel with cream cheese, banana, and Diet Coke later, I still feel sick. (I’m lacking an invite to the protein party.)
If I have Gestational Diabetes I’m gonna kill someone, mostly because it would involve another glucose tolerance test, only I hear this one’s more brutal.
Being pregnant’s fun, eh?

Third Trimester What What!

How Far Along: 28 weeks! Welcome to my world, third trimester.

Size of baby: According to BabyCenter, she weighs around 2 1/4 lbs – maybe a little more. Lengthwise she is about 14.8 inches long, and this week she is being compared to a Chinese cabbage, which again, I’m not sure if I’ve ever eaten, because mainly it just looks like some rather tepid romaine lettuce to me. Hrrrrrm.
Total Weight Gain: I saw my dietician for the first time in a month last Friday, and she really reassured me of my weight gain this pregnancy. Obviously she didn’t tell me how much I’ve gained, (I don’t want to know!) but she did tell me I’m just gaining the “bare minimum” for healthy weight gain, and that I’m just “scraping by.” This was SHOCKING to me, as I would swear up and down to the moon and back about how unnecessarily I’m gaining weight, etc. So this was definitely an eye-opener for me, and I needed it! It’s helped me feel a bit better about my body. A bit.
Maternity Clothes: Oh yesh. Occasionally I glance longingly at my pre-pregnancy clothes and wonder if I could squeeze into them, but I withstand the temptation, because I know that doing so will only result in a tantrum because I can no longer where my designer jeans. (She says, wistfully.)
Gender: Girl! Avery Jane!
Movement: Definitely feeling my little bambina squirm around. I love it!
Sleep: Back pain is definitely hampering my sleep, now. I’m okay once I fall asleep, but I’m having a really hard time getting comfortable enough to actually fall asleep. I keep tossing and turning and kicking Brandon and stuffing my maternity pillow between my legs And I’m thinking, I already feel this terrible and A’s just barely over 2 lbs. How am I going to feel when she’s freaking 7 lbs???
What I miss: Bending over without feeling like I’m smashing poor Baby, being able to get up from a sitting position without the help of Brandon or about 2 minutes of concentrated efforts from myself, and I miss not having to take my smelly pre-natal vitamins that look like little poo pellets. (Though they really do wonders for the hair!)
Cravings: Sugar cookies, or really just ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN IT. My word I’ve never eaten so much chocolate and sugar IN MY LIFE!
Symptoms: Lotsa peeing, and mostly back pain to complain of this week – it’s really hit me over the past few weeks how acutely PREGNANT I feel. The baby’s finally getting big enough where I can really feel the discomfort and changes in my body. And if I’m already complaining now, how bad is it going to be a month from now? Prepare yourselves for the complainage coming your way!
Best Moment of the Week: Hiking with my boys. It was Cade’s first “real” hike where he walked by himself, and I had so much fun with him. I also had A Moment yesterday when Cade was running around the house, hyper as can be, when he suddenly stopped in his tracks, wheeled around to me, planted a kiss on my belly, and said “Avery needed a kiss real bad, Mom.” :)
Appointments This Week? I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday – I’m excited to see a big and developed and happy Avery!
What I’m looking forward to: My ultrasound, and most importantly hearing how well Lil A’s doing in my big belly. I want to hear she’s big and happy and healthy and thriving!
One Thing I've Learned This Week: I think I’m starting to grasp the concept that my body looks the way it does because a baby is transforming it to look this way, and that makes it beautiful. Sometimes I lose track of the fact I’m actually pregnant, and bemoan my growing bod without paying the due respect it deserves, and actually THANKING it, for getting bigger and changing to keep Avery healthy and strong. My body is not needlessly putting on weight – it’s doing it for a purpose. And I need to remember that, and be kinder and gentler to it.
Pictures from this week: I don’t really feel like my bump has grown too much in the last couple of weeks, but here I am at 28 weeks. Hopefully soon it’ll get bigger as Avery does too!

Hey C, I'm totally jeals of your sugar cookie.

Weekend Rehash

Happy Monday to all my readers. Hope you all had a good weekend?

My weekend was pretty neat. We spent lots of time outdoors and with each other, which could have ended badly but fortunately went well.  ;) On Friday afternoon Brandon and I went golfing, and I did much worse than I did the first time I ever went, which I previously posted about. Brandon disagrees that I’m getting worse, but I am. It was horrible because let me tell you a little something about Girlfriend: I am fiercely competitive. I like to be good at things. I consider myself athletic, so when I’m participating in a sport and sucking majorly at it, I get all pissy. I’m not one of those people that gracefully lose. So, I was kinda mad. Plus, we didn’t rent a golf cart, and at 6 ½ months pregnant, call me a whiner, but it was HARD to walk the entire golf course – me gots sooooooo tired! By the 7th hole I was sprawled on the grass and unsure if my groin would let me make it to the green.

So, after this mediocre experience, what did I do Saturday afternoon?
GO GOLFING AGAIN, OF COURSE!  (But this time I insisted B rent a golf cart.)
What was I thinking? I did EVEN WORSE. I’ve decided that I’m thinking too hard. I need to relax and have fun, and maybe I’ll start to improve. Though I doubt that’ll happen, so I’m probably going to take some golf lessons. They are mucho expensivo though, so we’ll have to see.  Is forking up $60 for a 45 minute lesson worth it?  Maybe it is, if my self-esteem is on the wire, here. 

Saturday afternoon we also met Brett and Ang and Baby Penny up at Storm Mountain to roast hot dogs and mallows. It was fun, except it was much colder than anticipated, and it even rained for about 5 dreadful minutes. We went on a mini hike though, and we had a grand time. Sorry no pictures of the weekend, my camera broke, and I’m sad about it HINT HINT HINT HINT BRANDON I WANT A NEW CAMERA MAKE IT ORANGE. Sigh.

Only downside about being in the canyon this weekend (other than the a-little-too-chilly-for-comfort weather) was the fact I needed to pee, and that I am stoutly against gwoss mountain bathrooms. While we were hiking, I seriously pondered peeing in the bushes, but exposing my nether regions to rattle snakes and ants THAT COULD FLY just didn’t seem right. Plus, I’m not sure the wild was ready for my big bum. So I held it, and I held it in misery! Other than that, though, we had a lotta fun. :)

Yesterday was great kite-flying weather, even though we didn’t fly a kite. We thought about it a lot though, but I guess it just never happened? We did, though, make it to the park and Brandon played with Cade on the playground while I delved into the fabulous memoir I’m reading right now. I’m only about half-way, but I highly recommend it – it’s called “Same Kind of Different as Me.”

Anywaysies, that’s about all that happened with me. This week I hope I hope passes quickly, because I’m going on my Girls’ Weekend trip on Friday – cannot wait for the much needed break. Take care everyone, and keep your bums safe from flying insects!

Some Important Reminders for Today

1. Emotions are highly exacerbated by pregnancy.
a. My world is not ending.
b. Crying will not kill me.

2. Quitting treatment probbbbbaaaabbbbblllllly is not the finest idea.
a. I need to let my treatment team help me, rather than avoid them.

3. According to my dietician, I have gained the minimum amount of weight that is healthy in pregnancy, considering I was a tad underweight when I conceived.
a. I am not as big as, oh I don’t know, CHINA.

4. Chocolate helps.
a. Go have some chocolate.

5. Isolating makes things worse.
a. So, TALK.
b. Frolic.
c. Pick your wedgie with a friend.
d. Do anything but be alone.

Will someone remind me of these things when life seems too much to handle? I think I need to write these on a post-it and stick it to my face – or, because I see it more, my giant stomach.
Okay. Phew. Reminder duly noted.

PS - Has anyone noticed that their last post has been deleted?  What's up with that?  Where oh where did my haircut post go????

Hairy Changes

I got a haircut yesterday – it was my last ditch effort to do something different without cutting off any length before I gave up and chopped it all off (I tried to get layers about 6 weeks ago, only the finished product seemed to sport NO LAYERS). However, I’ve heard horror stories of pregnant women cutting their hair due to hormonally driven desires, only to regret it after and like sob and sob. Well, I need no more reasons to sob, and I certainly didn’t want to do anything I’d regret, so instead I decided to keep my length, minus an inch or so for a trim – and then get layers - EMPHASIZE ON THE LAYERS. This isn’t the best shot, but you can kind of see the layers here.  At least, this time, for the most part, I got what I paid for:

I also did something on a whim and got a feather hair extension. Apparently they’re all the rage right now, and I first saw it when my sister got one a couple months ago. I ended up choosing a red one, and while this picture doesn’t do it justice, you can kind of at least see it:

Here’s a picture I grabbed from the web on what some feather extensions can look like. Mine isn’t nearly this dramatic, and I have so much hair that often you can’t even see it anyway. I’ll try later to have Brandon take a decent pic of it maybe.

Anyway. You can all start making fun of me now. Sniff.

Body Brave

I was thinking last night, as I was trying to fall asleep – but I couldn’t because I needed Tums about every 10 minutes and I had to get up and waddle around to get my back to stop hurting – that I have changed SO much since this blog’s inception in 2007. And yes, I have changed very much emotionally and with my personality, etc, but I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about my body. Physically. Me on the outside.
I’m way different.

Even if I weren’t pregnant, I’d still look quite different – much heavier. And I’m still trying to come to terms with the way my body looks, and I’m trying to be okay with it and not be embarrassed by the way I look. I will admit to you, dear readers, that I still pine a bit for the way I used to look – in that way, I suppose I still idealize the eating disorder. I do not look at picture of models in magazines, or of someone extremely thin and obviously suffering from an eating disorder, and want to look like them – they do not trigger me – but looking at old pictures of myself? Well, that triggers the hell out of me.  Looking at old blog posts is bittersweet for me.  I love to read back on what I used to be doing, and on my old shenanigans, but seeing pictures of me when I was so thin...ouch...

So, you may have noticed (but maybe just been too kind to say anything) that there have been some pictures I’ve posted on my blog recently where I look particularly…big. Pregnant. Unflattering. Whathaveyou. I can think of a few in particular that stick out to me. I don’t know why, but I just want you all to know that I PURPOSELY put those pictures on my blog to show how different I am, and to show you that I’m working on being okay with it. How would this blog be real or genuine at all if I only posted really thin or really flattering pictures of myself?

Truthfully, I’m pretty. I’m not completely unfortunate looking, and for that I’m grateful for. But I’m also not drop dead gorgeous, and I’m not one of those naturally beautiful people who can roll out of bed without any concealer or mascara and look like a bombshell – I’m just not. At night, when I’m going to bed, I look grungy with my hair in a messy pony tail and my makeup smudged off, and I’m okay with that. Because that’s part of who I am – part of the real me. How freaking unrealistic would I be if I only posted glamour shots of me, or if I wouldn’t go out in public until I was perfectly made up? I used to refuse to be seen by anyone until I had my mask on. Now, I’ll throw my hair in a bun and put my Toms and baggy jeans on with my mismatched socks and go to the grocery store with my head held high – I’m just starting to not care. And I’m glad.

So, to be short, I’m trying to be real. Even when the real me is sometimes unflattering or embarrassing. I want to be able to look back on this blog and be proud of the way I looked, whether it’s 6 months pregnant and xx lbs higher than I used to be, or whether I look silly in my I LOVE MY BUMP jammies vegging with Cade. I want to record it all.

My body makes me insecure.
But I’m going to tough it out.
I’m going to be real.
I’m going to be body brave.

The Bum'nTum is Here to Stay

How Far Along: 27 weeks!
Size of baby: According to BabyCenter, she weighs around 2 lbs – maybe a little more. Lengthwise she is about 14 ½ inches long, and this week she is being compared to a head of cauliflower, which disturbingly looks like a brain.
Total Weight Gain: Still right on track, I hear. That’s good enough for me.
Maternity Clothes: Yep. The Bum’nTum is here to stay.
Gender: Girl! Avery Jane!
Movement: Movement has significantly increased this week, which I love. I feel her several times during the day – almost at any time that I sit down and relax. If I’m up and moving, then I don’t feel her as often – maybe all the jostling puts her to sleep – but she kicks and rolls all the time now, and I love it. :)
Sleep: My sleeping hasn’t yet been hampered too much by back pain, but it’s definitely coming. My back aches a lot now when I don’t change position for awhile, and so does my pelvis. When I wake up in the morning and try to get up I just grooooooan and mooooan from the pain in my back and pelvis.
What I miss: Being able to get up from the ground or sofa quickly and without looking like a 90 year old. I also miss walking like a normal human being rather than a penguin.
Cravings: Craving sweets this week was bad – I wanted a lot of chocolate and I had an amazing sugar cookie that I’ll admit caused me some moderate ED freakage outage. But I overcame. :)
Symptoms: Lotsa peeing, back pain, pelvic pain, oh and leg cramps were so annoying this week – I felt like I had a constant charlie horse, and I know I sounded like a weiner whiner with all of my complaining about it; poor Brandon!
Best Moment of the Week: Golfing with my boys. I know this has nothing to do with pregnancy, but it was still awesome to spend some quality time with my men. I also had a fabulous Mothers’ Day, and I loved being celebrated – who doesn’t?
Appointments This Week? Yep, I had an appt this week. Everything looked great – I’m measuring spot on, and Avery’s heartbeat sounded strong and perfect. I’m going in next week for an ultrasound, as they like to monitor fetal growth in people with lung disease, but I’m confident she’ll look just right. :)
What I’m looking forward to: My Sister Trip in 2 weeks – a whole weekend of relaxing in the sun and getting tan and spending some quality time with my mom and sisters and 2 nieces. :)
One Thing I've Learned This Week: Golfing while pregnant throws off your whole center of gravity and makes you quite top-heavy. My swing looks awkward but I think the extra weight I have gives me more power to swing, haha. When I birth this little one, I’ll pry have to learn to swing all over again, sans the little butterball in my tummy.  I've also learned that if unchecked and left to my own devices, I can eat a sugar cookie as big as a dinner plate.  This is not an exaggeration.
Pictures from this week:

Going to the gym at 27 weeks

Golfing Greenie

This weekend I had a first – attempting to golf, past the easy peasy miniature golf variety. Husband goes quite often – at least 2-3 times a week, and I finally agreed to go with him – and guess what? I HAD SO MUCH FUN. It’s fabulous exercise to get while pregnant, because it’s not too intense and doesn’t get me all hot and bothered, and how can I complain when I’m walking around in beautiful 75 degree weather and taking my anger out by swinging a club as hard as I can?

I’m excited too, because I know this isn’t something I’d have done 5, 2, or even 1 year ago – being so entrenched in my ED, I’d have had no interest to pursue such random (and difficult!) things such as golfing (or even CROTCH STITCHING). I kind of like to view my leap into trying new and different things as an indication that I’m leaving the ED behind and trying to discover things I like to do and that I’m good at so that I can get this whole “new identity without the ED thing” down.

I look SO pregnant.  Ohemgee.

Anyway, at first golf was frustrating, because before we went to the course, I was learning how to swing in the backyard. A couple of little wieners from next door came and stood at the chain-link fence, intertwined their fingers in it, and started heckling the hell out of me and Brandon! I kid you not – some little 4 and 6 year olds were MAKING FUN OF US and our golf swings. It took EVERYTHING I had in me not to take my pitching wedge to their bratty little butts. Once they got bored of us though, and left us alone, I felt better – the pressure was off, haha. (So sad I feel pressure due to teeny little effers!)

Also, I’m pretty naturally athletic *hair flip* so I think I’m going to pick it up pretty quickly. I even got a “bogie,” and while I’d heard the term before, I never knew what it was until Saturday. Brandon was duly impressed. :)

Anyway, here’s to new hobbies, and to discovering new things and abilities about myself that I never gave myself a chance to discover before!

Also – I hope you all had a fabulous Mothers Day – I had such an amazing day and weekend – Brandon spoiled the crap out of me. He gave me the ahhhmazing yellow Keens you see me wearing in the golf photos, a new set of golf clubs, and a gift card. The best part was getting a card from Cade where he’d worked SO HARD to write his name all by himself…I stared at it in wonder – I get the cheesy mom gifts now – and I love them!

Thanks From a Sickie

Thanks to all for your comments on my previous post.  It helped a lot.
No real post from me today, as I am feeling like a sickie.  I was hoping I was just feeling a little under the weather from being in the sun too long yesterday, but the ickies aren't going away and I'm afraid I've caught a flu bug.  So I'm snuggling into the couch with my crocheting and Smarties and about 10 Gossip Girls to watch. 
Hope you all have a fab weekend!

Also, I think I'm a little sunburned?

Blogxygen Feels Bereft

I know that my blog is for me, and that I should write what I want to write – and I will, I get that.

But I’m just curious – what most do you readers want to know about me or read about? Do you come here for ED adventures and updates? Or to laugh? Or because I’m pregnant? Or something else?

Please, leave a comment and let me know what keeps you coming back, or what you want more of. I want to keep blogging, but lately I’ve really felt pretty stymied as to what to write about, so some help or guidance or suggestions would be appreciated. I’m scraping the bottom of the Blogxygen barrel, here.

A Rather Scattered Update

Figured I’d do a quick update, though I don’t have too much to say, as my days are pretty much the same thing over and over: go to work, go home, play with Cade, crochet, clean the house, dream of eating a giant sugar cookie with pink frosting as big as a paper plate, crochet some more, go to bed, repeat, etc etc. I’m mostly just biding my time until the weather warms up and we can play outside. I have lavish fantasies that involve me sitting in a lawn chair with my feet buried in the grass, observing my world through my fabulously tinted Fossil sunglasses all while basking in the sun, while C happily plays with sidewalk chalk and keeps himself entertained and doesn’t need me whatsoever. In these fantasies he is even capable of getting himself a gogurt and Capri Sun by himself, without whining to me at all. And I get very tan, with no suburnage anywhere. It’ll happen. It has to!

I finally finished my first crocheting project – a blanket and 2 burp cloths. I’d say in total, I logged about 12 hours of work – though the first 3 involved me cursing and losing self-esteem while I made about an inch – or less - of progress. I’ve already started my second blanket – I started it last night, while on Ambien, which I don’t recommend to you Future Crocheters Out There. Everything just seemed so HARD and instead of calling it “crocheting,” I kept mumbling that I couldn’t “crotch stitch.” (Shivers. Doesn’t that put the nastiest picture in your head??) Needless to say, I somehow had the presence of mind to put it away and pull it out when sober!

I’d give you an update on how recovery from the ED goes, only not much to report there. I am still, as always, struggling with body image but getting through it. I am making conscious decisions every day to eat healthy, balanced meals for Avery – with some Easter candy thrown in there for good measure – and to not let my ED behaviors win, ESPECIALLY while pregnant. I would never want to live with myself knowing that I was doing anything that could harm my baby. I do find it a little baffling, though, when I hear women tell me that when they were pregnant, it was the ONLY time that they felt free to eat what they wanted and didn’t struggle too much with body or food issues. I can’t relate to that at all. If anything I am even more hyper-vigilant about what I eat and worry incessantly about weight gain, more so than I would if I didn’t have some 2 lb thang inhabiting my rotund bod. I wish I could just RELAX and enjoy eating and be okay with weight gain. But I can’t. I’m still working on it, and who knows, maybe I’ll somehow get to that point in the future, and this idea of being okay with my body that is so ethereal will take on more of a real, tangible thing that I can grasp onto. I hope so. So I try to remain – well sometimes when I’m in a good mood – optimistic.

So that’s it. I’m here, I’m plugging along with my sun fantasies and my crotch stitching and my hopes for a better outlook on my body. What’re you up to?

Wicked Hilarious Pelvic Thrust

How Far Along: 26 weeks!

Size of baby: According to BabyCenter, she weighs between 1 ¾ lb – 2 lbs. She also comes in at just over a foot long, roughly 14 inches. Observe the English hothouse cucumber. Again, I’m pretty sure I’ve never eaten one of those, or even seen one. Oh wellsies, way to be a cucumber, Avery. :)
Total Weight Gain: Definitely more than I want to know. So I remain blissfully unaware.
Maternity Clothes: Yeppers. This weekend I went and bought some maternity jammies; they’re simple black leggings under a long shirt (that goes to my knees) that says “I LOVE MY BUMP.” It’s embarrassing. And so corny. And I’d never wear it non-pregnant, so why do I low-ball my standards now? And, while in the shirt, it really emphasizes my, well, bump, along with my BUTT. In fact, Brandon calls me “Bum’nTum” in it. I feel like Beyonce.
Gender: Girl! Avery Jane!
Movement: Yes feeling her more and more and recognizing times of the day when she moves more than others – she’s quite active in the evening, as I’m lying down for bed, and she’s also active sometimes in the afternoon, between 3-5 pm.
Sleep: I actually think I’ve been sleeping a little less over the past week, but not in a bad way. It’s also harder for me to get comfy at night, and my back is starting to ache when I lay on my right side, and I know that’s only going to get worse…
What I miss: Having a variety in my wardrobe. I do think I definitely have more maternity clothes than most people do, I can’t help it, but it’s still nothing like my regular clothes closet. So, to compensate, I’ve started buying shoes (HELLO BLACK TOMS, WELCOME TO MY SHOE COLLECTION) and handbags. At least I am well accessorized!
Cravings: No real cravings that particularly stuck out to me this week – though I still feel like in general, I crave sweets more than I would if I wasn’t pregnant – Easter candy this year was a doozy!
Symptoms: Lotsa peeing, and a couple of nights ago I had my first Braxton Hicks contraction. I didn’t recognize what it was at first, because it’s been so long since I’ve felt one (5 years ago with Cade) but then I realized my tummy was tightening and I got a little excited – just thinking that my pregnant bod is preparing for labor. :)
Best Moment of the Week: Gaining a couple of self-esteem points by learning to crochet and making Avery a blankie. (A photo of the finished product will be coming soon.) I’ve decided that I’m going to try to make all her blankets, rather than buy them. It’ll give me something productive to do!
Appointments This Week? Yes, I have an appt this Thursday. Will report then.
What I’m looking forward to: The warmer weather so that I can take Cade to the park and to the pool. YES, I will look like a beached whale there, but I’m just deciding not to care.
One Thing I've Learned This Week: I can do a wicked hilarious pelvic thrust with a baby bump!
Pictures from this week:

I Gots Skillz

Oh don't worry, I only learned to crochet this weekend.  What did you losers learn to do?

I, like, make things. (For Avery)

PS - We're out of the triple digits on my baby widget counter downer thinger!  Woohoo!