Lil' Cupcakes

My mom bought Mila and Baby Penny matching cupcake dresses from Baby Gap.  Here are a few photos of the future best friends.  :)  (Thanks Grandma Penny!)

Stressed About Swelling

Hey, have a question and thought I'd throw it out to the Blogxygeners for opinions.

Remember my little tumble that resulted in a really nasty bruise and scrape?  Well, almost a week later, the swelling has not gone down.  And it still hurts like all hell, but that doesn't surprise me much, considering it's still bruised.  But a few people today were telling me that the swelling should have gone down by now, and that if it hasn't, there's a possibility of maybe having a hair-line fracture, or something?  Also, it's still incredibly sore and tender, and I'm not sure how normal that is for going on a week.  So, do I go get it x-rayed?  Or wait a few days to see if the swelling goes down?  Or do I not do anything since the docs won't do anything about a hair-line fracture anyway? 

I'm not big on going to the doc, so my first reaction is to just not go and wait for things to heal up, but if I'm like causing damage by not going, then I will.  What think ya'llsies?

Love

I freaking love my kids so much.  The only way this picture could be better is if Daddy was in it, cuz I really really really adore him too.  Quite.

Miss 5 Months

My little pint-sized bean pole is 5 months old today!  I can't believe she's already getting so old...it's hard for me to believe because she's still so tiny, plus she doesn't really do anything cool, so she kind of seems like a newborn to me still.  But soon I think she's going to be sitting and holding things and maybe even getting a full-time job.  Woo hoo!  ;)

A pint sized furry vest!  Oh my heart!

A few things about Mila:

Nicknames: Miss Mila, Mees, LoverPants, MK (stands for Mila Kunis), Posh Spice, Mila Bean

Mila finally rolled over a few days ago - from stomach to back.  She still can't roll from back to tummy, but hopefully she'll get that soon.  I was so relieved because I was worried about her IQ.  ;)  She is starting to seem a bit more interested in toys, but not much.  So, what does she do all day?  EAT.  She loves her ba ba's.  She also loves to blow spit bubbles.  More on that later.

It was so fun having Mila here for Christmas.  I remember last year at Christmas, I had only found out a few weeks prior that I was pregnant, and it all seemed so surreal...I was already morning sick, but other than that, it seemed so hard to believe I actually had a baby in my belluh, and because I'd lost Kendall, I was really doubtful that I'd even have Mila - I was pretty convinced that something would go wrong.  So to have her here...it was such a delight.  It really was.  She of course had no idea it was a holiday, but she smiled and dutifully looked fantastic in her Christmas outfit.  Good girl!

Mila is a champ sleeper.  She rarely wakes in the night.  In fact, Christmas night she slept from 10:30 pm to 10:30 am.  I honestly think it was her Christmas present to me.  And I loved it!  She's a much better sleeper than Cade ever was, and I'm so grateful for that.  By 1 years old Cade wasn't even sleeping through the night...it was rough.  So this has been a fun surprise.

Mila is a massive spitter.  It's gross, seriously.  She soaks her shirt within an hour of wearing it.  I can't decide if she's teething...I see no evidence of it yet, and she's not acting like she's in any pain, but the drool situation is a little out of control, and not very becoming for a little lady.  Oh wellsies.

Anyway, I love my lil chica.  Can't believe she's growing up so fast!

Deck the Halls with Scrapes and Bruises

Took a little tumble yesterday.  I was walking down a flight of stairs and whammo - before I knew what hit me, I was down.  I didn't even know it was icy.  Poor Mila was in her car seat, so while she was jarred and scared out of her sleep, she fortunately wasn't actually hurt.  Unlike my arm.  And my back.  And my butt.  And my dignity.

My mom and I thought I might have broken my arm at first, but thankfully nothing so scandalous happened - just a really big abrasion and a hella nasty bruise that hurts like a freaking mo fo.

Merry Christmas to me!

I'm Rather Fond of Him

A Pre-Christmas Update!

One of my dear readers so lovingly gave me a kick in the arse and told me to update because she was DYING without my blog.  I seem to have that affect a lot on people.  ;)

So, just for you, here's an update:

Things are okay.  I am indeed doing better than I was in my last post, as cryptic as I may have been.  And, nope, sorry, still not ready to really talk about what happened, but it's safe to say that the worst is definitely behind me, and I'm super dee duper grateful for that.

I can't believe Christmas is in, like, A WEEK.  Sweet sassy frassy, I still have a TON of shopping to do.  I always think I have plenty of time, until suddenly, I like don't, and I start scrambling around, trying to get everything done before the big day.  It's sufficient to say I am officially in Scrambling Mode.  Also, I'M SELFISH.  I went to the mall yesterday, intent on buying my remaining gifts...only to be waylaid by Buckle and their beautiful Rock  Revivals.  I won't tell you the shameful things that went on there, let's just say though, MERRY EARLY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!!!  Woops.

Anyway, so aside from my selfishness and my need to get more on the ball and shop, I am excited for Christmas.  I LOVE the holidays having kids, because Cade is SO EXCITED for Christmas, and his excitement is infectious.  He has sat on Santa's lap twice, and once he asked for an iPad (crap) and the second time he asked for, well...he asked for a shark blimp.  I wasn't sure of what it was, until I found it on Amazon - it is indeed an inflatable FLYING shark that's about as big as a baby crib.  And yes, your next guess is correct - I am THRILLED about having that piece of crap in my house for the next couple years, taking up precious storage space.  Sheesh.  Whatever happened to wanting normal stuff, like race cars and action figures?  Now my 5 year old wants a computer that's worth more than his life, and a flying shark?  Really?  Sigh.  Good thing Santa's more generous than Cade's own mama... ;)  PS - That Santa looks a little rough around the edges.  Couldn't he at least have combed his gross, pubey beard?

In Mila news, she's great - really she is - but she's kind of useless.  I mean, she STILL can't do anything.  She's 4 1/2 months old and she hasn't yet figured out how to roll over.  She still won't hold toys.  Which, of course, means she entirely depends on me to entertain her.  And I love her, and I'm mostly just teasing, but I kind of want her to start doing something!  Hello baby chica!  Stop being so boring!!  Do you think she'll read this post when she's an adult and wonder if I loved her?  Hmmmm.

Also, please keep our little fam in your thoughts and prayers, because Brandon is going in for an interview at work on Monday for a promotion, and while it's a long shot he'll actually get the job, we're still really hoping.  Dear Santa, or God, or Satan, or Dumbledore, whichever of you is willing to give Brandon this job, I promise to worship you.  Love, Brie.  ;)

And that's it.  I'll try to get better at more regular updates!

New Rockin' 'Do

Oh hi.  Daddy gave me my very first mohawk today.
I dig it.

Shameful Secret

I am reading Tyra Banks' new book, Modelland.

And I am mildly enjoying it.

More Questions Asked than Answered

It's been awhile since I gave a real update, huh?  Truthfully, I've had plenty to say, I just wasn't sure I could say it on my blog, or how to.  And I still don't really know if what's been happening with me for the last week or so is something that I want to put on my blog, so I'm just going to tap dance around what really happened and mostly just say that irrevocably, irrefutably, this has maybe one of the worst weeks I've gone through in a really, really, REALLY long time.

I've had to take some hard, vulnerable, honest looks at myself, and, in doing that, I've made some changes.  Is that vague-tastic enough for you?  Have you ever just been slammed in the face with a pile of you suck bricks that left you reeling and concussed and you're like, what the hell just happened?  How could my life suddenly turn upside down?  What do I do, how am I going to survive?  Do I even WANT to survive?  Have you ever felt like what happened to you might have been a tad unfair, but begrudgingly you admit you probably needed that major kick?  Am I asking enough questions that are thoroughly confusing the skittles out of you?

I  might, at some point, be more ready to talk details with you.  But as it stands, I'm not ready to go there yet.  Let's just say, in Layman's terms, (or if you're Mormon, LAMAN'S TERMS) that I thought I might die this week.  Not physically, I wasn't sick and there wasn't anything wrong with me, but I felt so emotionally SICK that I wanted to die.  I wasn't sure life would go on.  I wasn't sure I even WANTED life to go on.  I've had a lot of figuring out to do and picking up the pieces and changing and working through shite and just figuring out how to be a better person in general.

And, I'm coming out of it.  A week ago today I was, at this very moment, sobbing my eyes out.  But today, I'm okay.  I don't think I'd describe myself as HAPPY or PERKY, but I'm okay.  I'm content.  I think things are on the upswing.  I have hope.

In other news, I'm a little worried about Mila Bean.  I mentioned a few posts ago that Mila was a little under-average for weight.  Um, yeah, that's an UNDERSTATEMENT.  I just found out that Mila is only in the 5th percentile for weight.  FIFTH.  As in, 95% of babies her age weigh more than her.  I am stressed.  I don't want my little baybuh to be this little.  She eats like a freakin' tank, I don't know why she's this small.  At 4 months she weighs 11 lbs, 12 oz, and I guess that's just not nearly enough?  I've talked to other moms out there and they have told me not to worry, as long as she continues to eat and gain weight, but it still worries me a bit.  I know I can't like transfer my anorexia to her by like my my kisses or zerberts, but I just want my baby to be chubalicious and ED free for the rest of her life.  I want no underweight trends for Mila now, or EVER.  I started her on solid food but she was so unenthusiastic about it, that I've put that on pause.  Her pediatrician told me to wait until she seems more interested.  I hope that when I resume solid foods, she can start putting on some weight.  If anyone knows of any techniques for getting my baby to gain weight, that include but are not limited to hypnosis, ass-fat transfer, (from mine to hers) or any other form of weight gain, then let me know.  I am open to suggestions.  Obviously.  I am above nothing.

In other news, Cade came home "sick" early from school today.  The little stinker is getting smart, because he is NOT sick.  I told him that if he was going to come home from school, then he had to lay down and not do anything fun, and I'm hoping that will deter him from thinking he can say he's sick to get out of school all the time.  I know he doesn't like school much, and yes that worries me, mostly because I worry and hope that he isn't being bullied or something like that that's making him not want to go to school, but what can I do?  I mean, I've TRIED so much to talk to him about it, but he just won't open up to me.  When I ask him why he doesn't like school, he mostly just says he doesn't like it because it's "long and boring."  No more details other than that are offered.  And I wish I could make things better for him, but I can't.  So every morning I dutifully get him ready and psyched for school, and hope that something will click for him so that he can start to enjoy it.  Any ideas on that front would be awesome too.  Apparently I'm a slacker mom who can't keep her kids happy and thriving?  Sadness face.

Well this post kinda sucked.  Sorry!  At least you can enjoy the pictures of my darling kids (and cat) (and shoes).  Kisses.

Baby it's Cold Outside

 It is officially freaking winter here.  It is SO COLD.  We have to bundle up Miss Mees when we pick up Cade from school.  She looks rather like a reluctant eskimo, doesn't she?

Soliloquy on...er...Socks

I never knew I could be so passionate about, well, socks.  I never knew that I'd get so excited to buy them I'd practically have a heart attack, then go into a coma from the shopping high.  Or something.

I bought Mila these socks yesterday.  They are amazing.  They are so adorable.  I wish I could wear them, seriously, because I would.

If you're interested in buying them for your little one, you can get them at Nordstrom.  Or here, online.  I'm going to buy these ones next.  They had adorable ones for baby boysies, too.

The ribbon, the ballet slipper design, the sweet colors...everything.  I love.  (But my wallet didn't.)  (Oops.)

Also, as a quick aside, Mila went in for her 4 month checkup today.  She is slightly above average for height, and slightly below average for weight.  Her pediatrician wasn't concerned about this at all though, seeing as Mila's mommy and daddy and big brother are all pretty much built the same way.  I guess I just make 'em tall and skinny!

She also had to get her shots today and she was such a brave lil' womanly.  It makes me so sad when they cry because they have no idea why they're being hurt, it just breaks my heart.  But she only cried for a few minutes then completely de-freaked and got it together.  I've given her Tylenol for the pain and she's good as new. 
Especially in her new, dainty socks!

Simply love.

Brandon took a series of pictures of me and the kiddos tonight.  I love it for several reasons:

1. Getting both of my children to be looking in the relative direction of the camera at the same time is unheard of.
2. I love how Mila's tummy is sticking out, all big and healthy and full of milk.  I think it's adorable.
3. Cade with his arms wrapped around my leg.  Somehow it's so comfortable and familiar and "Yeah, I know, Mom's got my back."  Makes me feel good.
4. Lovelovelove that I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans.  Hello Big Stars, I've missed you!
5. Mila's bonnet makes me want to squeeze her cheeks.  I bought it at H&M, possibly the only decent thing in that store.
6. I look so happy in this picture.  Like, REAL happy, not pseudo-smiling-for-the-sake-of-posterity-but-inside-I-feel-like-crap happy.  I think you can really tell.
7. I look at this photo, and I think, "Did I really make those two awesome human beings?  Am I really lucky enough that they are mine?"
8. Why yes, yes I am.  :)

Goofy Girl

Oh hey.  I like to smile.

I also like to make silly faces.

But I haven't quite figured out what to do when this happens...

Goofy girl.  She makes me happy.  :)

Miss 4 Months

Mila is 4 months old today.  I can't believe how fast this time is flying.  It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital, all teeny and red-faced and squirmy.  She is so big now!

A few things about Mila at 4 months:
Mila has started solid food and likes it alright.  She's not thrilled about it, but the other day I gave her tapioca pudding and she about died.  She's still not a huge fan of her rice cereal though, and only eats that begrudgingly.  Pretty soon I'm going to start her on sweet potatoes and pears - Cade loved both of those, and I'm hoping Mila will too.

Mila Bean still doesn't roll over or do anything really but hold up her head.  She's still not really into trying to grab toys or anything, and she's not yet hit the stage where she puts everything in her mouth.  She seriously must be so bored!  Doesn't that sound boring?

I don't know what Mila weighs, but I'm taking her in for her 4 month wellness checkup this week, so I'll find out soon.  I'd guesstimate she's probably 11 or 12 lbs though.  She has a big belly and little rolls on her thighs and they are so adorable and I want to squish them!

Mila is a pretty happy baby.  She rarely cries really hard, and almost always if she is, it's because she's hungry.  Usually she's pretty chill enough to just sit and watch Mommy and Daddy play on Mommy's iPad.  ;)  She loves to be near someone though, and she'll just sit and stare at you and smile until you feel so guilty that you're not looking back at her and interacting with her!

I'm excited for Mila to start sitting up and crawling and growing up.  Right now she's kind of in the inbetween stage between newborn and infant, but soon I think she's going to start hitting all these really fun milestones.  I can't wait, because I am just enchanted by everything this girl does.  :)

Love you Miss Mees!

The first and last time

...you will EVER see me dance.

Somehow my sister (which one was it, it had to have been Misty...?) convinced the rest of us to dance in the talent show today.  I am many things, but a dancer is not one of them.  So watch and laugh.  (I'm the one in gray, all the rest of those tall, hot, beautiful women are all my sissies (minus Tawny).  Enjoysies!

Cade Dances

Every year at Thanksgiving, my fam holds a talent show.  Cade spontaneously decided he wanted to dance.  It was so cute.  Here's the vid! (My favorite part is the enthusiastic punch at the end.  :)

Cool.

Used this app to make these pictures.  It allows me to free-form paint over photos.  Pretty cool.

I'm not very good at it yet - there's a ton more to learn, but it's still fun and absolutely addicting and I'm making some pretty cool stuff.

Mila Chows Down

I gave Mila her first solid food today - a bit of rice cereal.  I know she's a little young to be starting solids; I didn't start Cade til he was close to 4 1/2 months - but Mila is READY.  She is hungry all the time, and most of all she's just plain ol' bored and needs something to do, so I decided to let her eat!

The cereal itself is disgusting - a little rice cereal mixed with hot water and formula - I tried a little bit and literally gagged and made that gross/shudder face that a kid makes when sucking on a lemon - but fortunately, Mila is kind of too stupid to know what's good and what's gross, seeing as she's never tasted Diet Coke or maple donuts before.  Her standards are low.

She wasn't very good at eating, but they never are the first time around.  She didn't even know what to do with the stuff in her mouth - she'd kind of slosh it around her mouth then push it back out with her tongue.  It made for a very messy meal, but I'm sure she'll get better at it.  :)

Randomosity

There are no silk pajamas under $50 in the state of Anywhere.  Just ask my sore feet and cranky baby who trolled the mall for 3 hours looking for said jammies.  Sorry, Mom.

On the bright side, I bought C and M's Thanksgiving outfits today.  They are going to look perfect.

I own ZERO articles of clothing from Gap, don't much like their style for me.  However, the majority of my children's wardrobe is from Gap Kids.  Weird?

My Diet Coke consumption is increasing at a dramatic rate.  I stopped drinking it (or had caffeine-free) when I was pregnant and nursing, but now that no little parasite depends on my body for anything, I am filling it with the sweet, sweet nectar of aspartame and carbonation.  I need to tone it down!

I am mostly only posting this today because I didn't want my last blog at the top of the page anymore.  I get nervous and weird when I post about my eating disorder now.

I love my kids.  I am realzing more and more that my calling in this big 'ol world is to be a good mama to my children.  I know this sounds so incredibly after-school-television-special, but when I see them happy and safe and content, it makes me feel better.  Like all is right in the world.

I am debating on going Black Friday shopping or not.  I go every year, but now I'm wondering if the cost of staying up all night and elbowing my way past hysterical women clutching this season's hottest items is worth the benefit for saving a few bucks.  Plus, I have no one to go with.  :(  Any brave takers?

I have joined Twitter (again) with a little trepidation - last time I used it, I didn't like it much and honestly found all the tweets somewhat annoying.  But I'm more or less liking it this time around.  Find me by @briebreivik or there is a link to my profile page as well on my side-bar.

Breaking Dawn.  The broken headboard and feathers.  The bony (but obviously fake) grossness  of Kristen Stewart.  The wolves talking in robot voices to each other.  All parts of the movie that were supposed to be serious, but in which I roared so hard I was practically rolling in the aisles.

Mila is almost 4 months old.  It's so weird to think she is that old.  Kind of brings back bitter memories, too, because I left Cade to go to inpatient treatment exactly on his 4 month birthday.  It sickens me that I let my eating disorder get so severe that I literally had to leave my own child.  It serves as a good reminder to keep myself healthy at the present because I NEVER want to do that to Mila, and I don't know what Cade would do if I had to leave him again.  Nuh uh no way never.

My iPad is still awesome.

This Time of Year

I'm still sick, but I'm like dying in my boredom, so post an update it is.  Mila is napping and Cade is duly distracted by the Wii, so I have a bit of time to give you guys more of a meaty update, as most of my posts lately have been short or just pictures.

fun picture taking

What is it about this time of year that is difficult?  I LOVE Christmas, especially more so now that I have kids; Cade's excitement and wonderment of the season makes me so happy to witness and share with him.  But there's also no denying that the Thanksgiving/Christmas/Insert that Jewish Holiday too, don't know how to spell it -- is really difficult.  I always seem to struggle more with my ED during the holidays.  I have been thinking a bit about it, about why I do this, and I don't feel I have a concrete answer.

Oh, sure, I have plenty of excuses:  I need to lose pregnancy weight, (though that isn't much of an excuse anymore because I have technically lost it all) I don't like my body, feeling emotions is overrated, the sky is blue, Dumbledore is gay, engaging in my eating disorder seems to make sense in some twisted way. (LOL that rhymed!) I don't know.  It could be some of those things or none of those things or all of those things.

All I know is that right now, I am struggling.  Pretty bad.

And it's not particularly my mood; I think my ED has kind of made this pleasant numbness come over me.  Sure, I have a bit of anxiety, but for the most part I don't feel much.  But I will admit that my eating disorder behaviors are, at times, winning the battle over recovering v. relapsing.  And "relapsing" is a strong word, because I'm nowhere near that.  But if I don't get my shite together, it could eventually get there.

Thanksgiving is particularly tough for me.  I think it is because I have some pretty rough memories from this day over the years...two years ago I had just lost Kendall, very close to Thanksgiving of 2002 I lost my grandmother, and on Thanksgiving day of 2001, I began to engage in my eating disorder so severely that I lost a dramatic amount of weight in a very short time, and a few months later, landed myself in inpatient treatment for the first time.  Why I chose that day over any other in the year, I don't know.  But I don't like it.

But this year I am going to have a big piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and I am going to have some hot rolls with butter that melts in your mouth, and I'll have me some mashed potatoes and gravy, too.  And I won't let past memories from this day bring me down.  And, if I'm lucky, I'll make some truly amazing memories with my sweet little family that I'll cherish and think about when I picture Thanksgiving, rather than some of the prevalent memories that cause some grieving.  And yes, old habits die hard, but I guess it's just time to make some new habits, then, isn't it?

HipstaPrints From a Sickie

I'm feeling quite under the weather, so  no real post from me today.  Me muchos tired.  Instead here are a few pics I've taken, mostly with the Hipstamatic app.  If you have an Apple Toy and don't have this app downloaded, then you are a fool.  A big, giant FOOL.  I am obsessed with this app and can't stop using it.  Anyway, I used it to take a few pics.  So, enjoysies:

I love my kids, and Cade loves his quesadilla.

 Love me my man and my man-child.

 I am taking copious amounts of HipstaPrints of my cats.  It's like crack, only it doesn't kill brain cells and it's not against the WoW.  Plus, my cats are much less wiggly than my children, and Brandon is just unwilling to be my subject, so the cats luck out by default.  But I still think they're precious.

 Bobbi looks like she's posing for a glamour shot.  It's so dramatic it kind of makes me laugh.

Recent Prints

I have been messing around on my iPad and taking some really cool photos, or changing them or enhancing them in some way.  I've had a lot of fun - but admittedly I don't know what I'm doing - hopefully I'll get better at it.  Anyway, thought I'd share, as my children are adorable, despite my mediocre skills.